I feel the pressure begin to build. To grow. My mind possessed by some primordial desire to copulate and recreate. To fuck. To lose myself in hedonistic escapism where nothing in the universe matters more than the need to be deeper, harder,.. closer to the edge… to exploding… to …
A white light engulfs me. My mind turns to mush. To nothing. To everything.
Jane screams, spasms against me at almost exactly the same moments then together we fall forwards onto the table top, all resistance gone. Our minds undone.
Our bodies spent.
--------------------
“Wow…” I mutter a few minutes later, as my mind begins to clear, and the world begins to suck me back to reality. “That … was…”
“Amazing…” Jane finishes, squirming around underneath me and turning around so she can look up at my face. “Where did that come from?”
“I don’t know…” I reply. “ I think you cast a spell on me the last time I was here. Resistance became futile…”
“Or maybe it’s just lock-in fever.”
We’re both silent for a moment, then we speak again at exactly the same moment.
“I’m sorry,” I begin to say. “I feel quite bad… I… don’t know… I don’t want to confuse things… That was purely physical… It doesn’t mean…”
“Maybe I took advantage of you…” Jane starts…
We stop speaking, then both laugh.
“Don’t worry, James. I won’t hold it against you. I was probably as desperate as you, and I know we’re … separated… but perhaps a ‘quickie’ or whatever you might want to call it, is maybe allowable once every eight years or so?”
I nod. “Well, if you put it like that…”
“I’ve just got one request, though, James…”
“Which is?” I wonder.
“Maybe, after we’ve eaten, and got some more energy, could we perhaps do it again?”
--------------------
It’s interesting. When she suggests this, I don’t get worried that she’s expecting anything more than that. Just another ‘quickie’ as she puts it so quaintly. Before, if the old Jane had said that, I would have been worried about what she really wanted, and if it was something I couldn’t give her. But this time around, she seems to be a much different person. More self-assured. More confident. If she wants me now, it’s not because she ‘needs’ me, but because she’s attracted to me. Perhaps just for sex, and nothing more. If I say no, I think she’ll just smile and that will be the end of that.
No pressure.
Which all goes together to making her more attractive than ever before.
I begin to feel more relaxed around her, and for the first time since the first month I met her after I arrived in this world, I’m actually intrigued to learn more about her, about who she is, what’s she’s thinking…without being tempted to run a mile.
After helping her to zip her clothes back up, I sit down and drink some of my wine as I wait for her to fetch the meal which she’s cooked for me from the main house.
We eat together. We talk. And truth be told, as the conversation progresses and even begins to flow naturally, I soon realise that we are both flirting with each other.
Seriously flirting.
Jane has changed a lot… Actually, perhaps she hasn’t changed, maybe she’s just gone back to who she was before the other version of me messed her up and turned her into somebody she wasn’t.
I like the new Jane.
Attractive. Assertive. Confident. Clever. Caring. Protective of her children.
She’s got a new career now. Is independent.
I ask her about boyfriends.
She’s had a few. Several long term lovers.
But nothing totally serious yet.
No one she would yet consider sacrificing her new found freedom for. For her, she admits, it’s more important to build stability and love into her daughter’s lives.
The ’18 has put paid to romance, anyway. And she candidly admits that having sex with me is something she needs and wants as much as it seems I need it with her.
After dinner we move from the table to sit on the comfortable chairs beside the large windows looking out on the garden. Jane sits beside me at the other end of the couch. After talking about her life, Jane casually moves the conversation round to Sarah.
“Tell me about Sarah,” she asks.
So I do.
I tell her everything.
It’s almost cathartic. After a year of living with her and hiding the truth, I reveal every deep dark secret about my other life: my real life.
I even tell her about how, just before I made the first jump from my W1 to W2, I had begun to wonder what other lives were like. I told her how I had begun to wonder just how green the grass was in other lives. And I confessed that in my real world, I had begun to have fantasies about her.
“About Sarah?” she asks, surprised.
“No,” I reply. “About you.”
She almost drops her glass and sits up straight, the smile dropping from her face and being replaced by one of pure confusion.
“You were fantasising about ME?”
“More than that. In my world, the other one, before I made the jump to here, I had tracked you down again. I hadn’t seen you for years. And when I found you, we clicked. We very nearly almost became lovers. It was on the cards. It would have happened, probably. But then, one morning, I did the jump. I stepped from my world through to here…and that day you became my wife, … and Sarah was the other woman.”
“I loved you, James.”
“That wasn’t me…”
“No… it was you James. I mean, I loved you. The moment you arrived in our world, I knew that you were different…obviously I hadn’t got a clue that you were a time traveller… or whatever it is you are… a parallel-world-swapper-man?”
I shrug my shoulders and screw my face up in reply. I don’t know.
“Anyway, you treated me differently. And I pushed you away…I’m sorry… I messed up…and I lost you. If only I’d…”
“Jane,” I interrupt. “You mustn’t go down that rat hole. There’s nothing you or I could have done differently. I have to admit that when I arrived here I realised that living with you was not the same as fantasising about you. Sarah was a good wife. Things had maybe got stale, and that was mostly my fault. But she didn’t deserve what I did to her…”
“And what did you do to her?”
“I left her.”
“Deliberately? I thought that you stepped through a time portal and you ended up here?”
“Yes…I did.”
“Then, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t leave her. You just left your universe and ended up here. It seems to me like you didn’t have any control over any of it.”
“Actually, none. You’re right.” I admit to her. “I’m just a bloody pawn being blown around a time travel chessboard and I haven’t got a clue what’s happening to me. I want to go home. Back to my girls. To Sarah. But I don’t know if it will ever happen. For all I know I could be stuck here forever…”
I say the words, but as soon as I do, I remember that that’s not the case. I am going home sometime. James 2 has proved that, by virtue of him being sent back to this world from mine. It’s not ‘if’, but ‘when’ it will happen.
“Was I so terrible?” Jane asks, softly. ”When you found yourself stuck with me?”
“Oh… no, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant…”
“Yes?”
“I… I meant that although I still thought you were one of the most sexy and beautiful women I knew, you weren’t Sarah, and I didn’t realise I missed being with her so much until it was too late.”
“You thought I was sexy?” she asks.
“Absolutely.” I admit. “And I still do. You’re… amazing. And this time around… meeting you now… you’re very different. Not like before. You’re…
“I’m more me. And I feel it too. I’ve never been so
happy. And I owe that to you, James.”
She leans forward and kisses me.
I kiss her back.
“I need to go and check on the girls.” She says, pulling back and standing up.
I watch her as she goes. Tall. Athletic. Voluptuous. Attractive. Any sensible man’s dream.
For a moment, just a moment, I think of Sarah, but I react angrily to myself, and quickly shut out the thought.
I can’t go on living like this.
Not knowing when I may be going home. Perpetually alone. Lonely. Constantly wondering what the hell is going on.
I love Sarah. More than anything. But…
Fuck it…
I jump up from the sofa and start to pace the room.
“What’s the matter? Are you okay?” I hear Jane asking me, as the door opens and she steps back inside.
I turn, walk over to her, and then pull her towards me.
Our lips meet.
We kiss.
Passionately.
“The curtains…” Jane reminds me.
Quickly, I draw them closed, then turn back to Jane.
Slowly, I remove her dress.
Her bra.
Her panties.
Her high heels, one shoe at a time.
Then I let her undress me.
This time we do not fuck each other.
We make love.
Slowly.
Passionately.
In the next hour, I fulfil every fantasy I have ever had about Jane, and afterwards, when we are lying curled up in each other’s arms on the carpet, she confesses to me what her fantasy has always been. Then when I discover that her fantasy has never yet been fulfilled, I oblige. Surprising myself. Actually, not bad for such an old man.
It’s an evening neither of us will ever forget. Or want to forget.
When I leave early the next morning, neither of us know if it will ever be repeated.
There are no expectations, and no promises.
And, it was, undoubtedly, the best night I have spent in the past eight years.
Chapter Forty Nine
No Mercy
.
I have barely got back into my apartment the next morning, when my phone rings.
It’s Caroline.
“James, good… you’re home now. I was worried about you. I tried calling you last night, but you weren’t there.”
“Sorry, I never heard you ring.”
“How are you? I haven’t heard from you for a few days. Everything okay?”
“Yup. Absolutely fine. You?”
“Good. All good. Busy. Very busy…” A pause. “Listen, James… I was thinking about popping over to see you today… there’s something I would like to tell you… if you have time.”
“I’ve always got time for you, Caroline. You know that.”
“Right answer. How about lunch?”
She arrives an hour later, just after I emerge from the shower. We kiss, on the cheeks, then make ourselves comfortable in the lounge while we wait for the lunch I ordered to arrive from downstairs.
Caroline seems a little nervous. Which is unusual for her.
“You okay?” I ask.
“Yes… but there’s a couple of things I thought I should let you know about. Confidentially. Between you and me and no one else.”
“The Professor?”
“You can tell him the first part, but not the second.”
“Intriguing… so…hit me. What’s the news.”
“The first part is good news. We’re going to start lifting a lot of the lock-in restrictions. We’ll start opening up again. The infection rate is very low now, and … on balance…we…the government, think it’s time to let people out of their homes. People need to restock on food daily. Deaths from starvation have started to eclipse deaths from The ’18.”
“What? I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“We’ve kept it quiet. It’s one of many truths which are better suppressed than told. Anyway, the point is, that limited public transport will start functioning again in a few days’ time. Including certain sections of the underground.”
She lets the last sentence hang in the air. Waiting for its significance to dawn on me. It doesn’t take long.
“The Jubilee Line?”
“Yes. Not all of it. But most of it. Enough for what you’ll need it for.”
I jump up from the sofa and start to pace the room.
“When does it open?”
“Next Saturday for tests and maintenance. It’ll fully open in two weeks’ time, although there will be restrictions on exactly who will be able to travel on it. But your Blue Pass will give you full access at all times.”
“I need to speak to the Professor. You know what this means, don’t you?” I say, asking a stupid question. Of course she knows. She’s the one telling me for exactly that reason.
“Yes. You could be going home.”
“Can we call him now? I need to discuss this…see if he’s finished his calculations yet. Maybe he can give me an update on when he thinks the portal might open.”
“Can you do it later? There’s something else I need to tell you…”
Her tone is serious.
I’m excited, my mind is racing… but something tells me I should pay attention, so I return to my seat on the sofa.
“What is it?” I ask.
She pauses, looks straight at me, and then announces, “James. I’m pregnant.”
--------------------
The contrast between the two pieces of news Caroline has just given me couldn’t be greater.
One, you’re potentially going home to your wife and your children.
Two, I’m pregnant.
Fuck.
I just stare at her. For a moment, just for a moment, my perspective on everything had changed for the better. Hope had suddenly surged afresh. The negativity and initial feelings of depression that had engulfed me in recent days had spontaneously been blown away… I could be going home…!
But then… what, Caroline’s pregnant?!!
Fuck!
“It’s as much a surprise to me as it is to you.”
“But… are you allowed to have children?” I ask, the words jumping into my mouth without any proper thought.
“As Home Secretary, or as a cripple?” she asks.
“No…sorry, I didn’t meant that….”
“Well, what did you mean?” she asks.
“I meant, can you have children? Is it advisable?”
“My legs don’t work. Everything else does.” Her answer is short and to the point. Caroline doesn’t mince words.
“How … how do you feel about it?” I blurt out. My thoughts are all over the place. I suddenly think of Sarah, both of them. A wall of guilt overpowers me.
Fuck.
Shit, shit, SHIT!
This can’t be happening!
“It? What do you mean? About being pregnant, or are you calling our baby ‘it?’” She asks.
“No… I mean, how do you feel about being pregnant?...” I attempt to clarify, but I’m stumbling for words, and struggling to think clearly.
“Excited. The big question is, how do you feel, James?”
Then she pauses. Says nothing more. The power of silence.
Pushing me for further response.
“Caroline…it’s a lot to take in. Having another child just now is… it’s not ideal. I’m trying my best to get home to my world… I don’t want to leave a baby behind that I can’t support, or love. And, if do stay, you know that I’m in love with another woman… sorry, but that’s basically the truth… and, I haven’t really ever hidden that, have I?”
“Sarah doesn’t want you, James. She’s married. And you have to move on with your life. You’ve always wanted another son. Maybe my being pregnant can help you fulfil that dream!”
I look at her. She has a point. In a way.
But there is a big difference. In spite of everything, I know that I still love Sarah
. I’m in lust with Caroline. Yes, until now, there was the possibility that I may have fallen in bed with her again, but in recent weeks I’ve realised that I will probably not be falling in love with her.
And then there’s Jane. Last night was interesting. Surprisingly so.
There is also the fact that she is currently my wife.
A little, small fact. However, perhaps still one of major significance.
Also, on the basis of how well we actually got on with each other last night, perhaps… just perhaps, I may want to see her again.
“Of course, you also might be thinking about Jane now, too.” Caroline interjects. Ripping into my thoughts again.
“Shit… how do you do that, Caroline? How do you know what I’m thinking about all the time. It’s really spooky!” I reply, perhaps stupidly admitting a little too much information.
“I don’t know. I’m just good at reading people, I guess. It’s what a lot of politicians do.” She pauses. Then continues with, “And given you’re probably now sleeping with Jane as well as me, maybe you’re having second thoughts about divorcing her?”
“What?” I reply, a little alarm bell going off in my head. “Why do you think I was sleeping with her?”
“Well, you spent last night, all night, with her at her house. It’s a long time to be just playing scrabble.”
“How do you know I was there? Are you tracking me?”
“I’m the Home Secretary. You’re my protégé in this world. I have to know where you are. What you’re up to.”
“No you don’t. What I do is my business. Not yours. You’ve no right to monitor who I see or where I go.”
“I do. I have every right. I can track or monitor anyone I choose to. It’s part of my job remit.”
“Caroline? Are you jealous? Actually jealous? I didn’t think we had that sort of relationship?” I argue back, parking the argument about what she’s entitled to do, or not. It’s not one I’m going to win.
“Perhaps a little. More so since I discovered I’m carrying your child. It’s just natural, I suppose, to begin to have second thoughts about letting the person I’m involved with sleep around.”
Am I Dead? Page 33