by J. Bengtsson
Plus, as much as I hated to admit, Kyle was a misfit by circumstance only. I was certain that in his everyday life, he wasn’t some sad sap sitting on the sidelines watching life pass him by. As much as Gene had tried to put him in his place, it was obvious to me that Kyle had the clear makings of a quarterback, and one everyone would follow.
Then it came to my second, more personal, concern… Aisha. She was all that I wasn’t: tall, gorgeous, and glamorous. I’d never known what life was like at her status level. When you looked the way she did, the world granted you certain privileges that us mere mortals could only dream of. I realized I was unfairly generalizing, and I understood that there were gorgeous women with big, beautiful hearts I just didn’t want them taking the attention of my island boy. I’d already claimed Kyle as my own on day one, and I didn’t want to share him, especially not with the likes of Aisha. A girl like her, who had never gone to a dance without a date or been left off a party list, would win the boy every time.
Aisha’s laugh brought me back to the present. My eyes narrowed in on my competition, or more accurately the bikini body of my competition. I couldn’t dream of coming close to that level of perfection. More laughter. Dammit, Kyle! Stop using your charm on her. I had to get out there and run interference before everything I’d built in the past two days fell apart. Would it be too obvious if I interrupted him now? Would he think I didn’t trust him? Would he think I was jealous?
When Bobby waded out there, my insecure girl worries were replaced with ruthless game strategy. No way was I going to allow them to take away my most important ally. I ran down to the beach and, too distracted to remove my shorts, I just trudged in with them still on. Determined and focused, I was totally unprepared for the rock that broke my stride, and I face-planted onto the shallow ocean floor.
Kyle sat beside me on the log as we dried ourselves near the raging fire. Dale and Marsha fed the flames, incredibly proud of their offering. Although they were praised all around, I couldn’t help but think those same people wouldn’t hesitate to cut them down first chance they got.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” I stood up and caught Kyle’s eye.
“I’ll come with you.”
We walked in silence until we were clear of camp.
“That was quite an entrance you made earlier.”
“Oh, you mean in the water? Yeah, I meant to do that,” I grinned.
“Oh, right, of course.”
I stared up at him before asking in a serious tone of voice, “Did they get to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just be honest, Kyle. Are you with them now?”
“No. Why would I be with them?”
“Because… I have a feeling that’s where you belong.”
He stopped walking and stared at me. “Belong?”
“Yes. With the winners.”
Kyle’s eyes widened. He seemed genuinely surprised by my comment. “Really? You think so?”
“I know so.”
He shook his head.
“What?”
Kyle was quiet for a moment. He seemed to be searching for the right words. “I’m no winner, Kenzie.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Kyle didn’t elaborate. We continued on until we came to the entrance of the poophole and then went our separate ways. His admission surprised me. This wasn’t Kyle being self-deprecating, no; this was a guy who truly believed he was nothing special. Suddenly I wanted to make it my mission to figure out why.
Fire was our most important resource. If it went out, there was no telling how long it would take to get it started again. Without it, we had no fresh water and no rice. Every member of the tribe realized this, so it was a smart move on Gene’s part to assign shifts throughout the night to keep it going.
I pulled a middle of the night shift with, of all people, Carl. He had barely spoken a word to me since the game began. I tried to make small talk with the man, but he didn’t have a lot to say. The long minutes of silence were excruciating. How did this man function in his everyday life?
A rustling in the bushes caught our attention.
Carl jerked forward; the look of fear on his face was palpable. I could almost see the little hairs standing up on the nape of his neck.
“What’s that?” he whispered, wide-eyed and afraid.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” I offered back feebly. I was no hero, but certainly I wasn’t as freaked out as this big lug of a man seemed to be.
“If it’s a snake, I’m going to scream like a little girl. I’m just warning you.”
I laughed until I realized he was actually serious.
“You’re afraid of snakes?”
“That’s weird to you?” he asked, sounding taken aback by my question.
“Well, you just don’t look like the type of person who is afraid of anything.” He didn’t respond right away, seemingly annoyed by my reaction. In an attempt to ease the tension, I added, “And I read somewhere there are no snakes on the Cook Islands, so you can relax.”
“Really? That’s wonderful news.” He exhaled loudly, and then did the unthinkable: Carl smiled. At first I thought it was just a facial twitch caused by the stress of the situation, but when his lip turned up in the right corner and a row of teeth could be seen peeking out from below, it was unmistakable. “I’m afraid of rodents and spiders too,” he confessed.
He was making a joke. Wow. This was a major breakthrough. I laughed before commenting, “Well, damn, Carl, you are an actual human being.”
“What species did you think I was?”
“Honestly, I thought they made a whole new category just for you.”
He nodded.
“So I have to ask…is it just snakes, rodents, and spiders, or do you have issues with other creatures?”
“I pretty much run the gamut when it comes to things that scurry or slither.”
“Like how scared are we talking?”
“The type of scared where I stand on a chair if I see a mouse.”
I laughed at the mental picture of this giant of a man teetering on a chair four times too small for him.
“You’re married with kids, right?”
“Was. And I have one kid. A daughter.”
“Oh, never mind.”
“No, what? Why were you asking?”
“Did you make your wife kill the spiders when you were married?”
“I did. I’d be standing in a corner screaming for her to catch it and, at the same time, begging her not to kill it.” He shook his head as if remembering something distasteful. “It was just awful. She would ruthlessly smash out his little life like she was some callous killing machine. It really was the beginning of the end.”
“You divorced her over a spider?”
“No, that just pissed me off. We divorced because I told her I like men.”
I gaped at Carl, not sure if I’d heard him correctly. “Wait. Are you gay?”
“Yes, you heard me correctly, and I know what you’re thinking: I’m the last guy on earth you’d expect would be gay. Blah, blah, blah, I’ve heard it all before.”
My mouth must have been hanging open.
“You might want to close that before a bug flies in,” Carl grumbled. “Because then I can’t sit with you anymore.”
“Oh, sorry,” I said, closing my gaping mouth. “Wow, I swear I never would have guessed.”
“We gays come in all shapes and sizes.”
“Apparently. I think what I find even more surprising than the fact that you’re gay is the fact that you’re the sensitive type who has a no-kill policy for spiders.”
“I’m an animal lover.” Carl shrugged.
“But you hate snakes and rodents and spiders.”
He sighed, as if explaining himself to me was such a giant chore. “Well certainly I don’t want to have tea with them, but I don’t wish them dead, either.”
I shook my head, smiling. “Wow, Carl, I just thought you were one of
Gene’s boring old, mindless cronies.”
“I am one of Gene’s mindless cronies, only I’m a big, dumb, gay one.”
I snorted out a laugh and had to mask it to keep from waking the others.
“Can you do me a favor, Kenzie?”
“Sure,” I said, with a newfound fondness for this goliath.
“Don’t blab it around.”
“That you’re gay?”
“No, that I’m afraid of spiders. It would totally ruin my tough guy image.”
I giggled my approval. “Your secret is safe with me.”
After his shocking moment of levity, Carl reverted back to the introvert he was known to be. I was confused and even more fascinated by this man than I had been before. What was Carl thinking? Shutting people out the way he did was no way to endear yourself to people. If this game were based on just the physical aspects, Carl would obviously excel. But it wasn’t. You couldn’t survive out here on your own-not for long, anyway. My eyes darted in his direction. Carl caught me staring and I quickly looked away. Man, this guy had a way of making those around him feel uncomfortable.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Okay, what gives?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“We were having a nice conversation and then nothing.”
“Oh.” He seemed perplexed. “I thought we’d finished talking.”
I dropped my head as I took in Carl’s innocent expression. Good lord, the guy wasn’t being rude, he was just that socially awkward.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said, his attitude turning hostile.
“I’m not making fun of you. I’m just surprised. Are you shy?”
There was an uncomfortable pause, and I noticed his cheeks burning red in embarrassment. Then he nodded.
“So that’s why you don’t talk to anyone?”
“I talk when it’s necessary. When it’s not, I don’t.”
“You understand this might not be the best reality show for you, Carl.”
“You don’t think I know that?”
“Why are you here, then?”
“Why are you here?” he challenged. “I’m pretty sure for the same reason I am.”
“So then you don’t actually hate everyone?”
“No, I hate everyone,” he said with that strange ogre smile. There was a pause and then, as if he were trying not to offend, he added, “present company excluded.”
“Well, thank you,” I beamed. “But, this is the first conversation we’ve ever had, and look, we hit it off. Don’t you think maybe if you gave the others a chance, you might be surprised?”
Carl considered my words for a moment and then shook his head. “Gene’s an anal retentive big mouth. Summer believes in unicorns. Really? I mean, come on, unicorns, Kenzie! Bobby’s a candy-ass prick. Aisha,” he stopped, looked around nervously, then whispered, “I think she’s a Scientologist. And Dale, he does that weird mouth breather thing. Kyle, I’m pretty sure he was a crack baby. And Marsha, she’s just bat-shit crazy.”
His overly critical assessment of our tribe mates surprised, amused, and concerned me. Is this how we were seen by viewers, or was it just a grumpy guy’s ramblings?
“Geez, Carl, tell me how you really feel.”
He shrugged his enormous shoulders in response.
“Do I even want to know what you labeled me?” I asked, slightly worried.
Carl caught my eye and I saw a flicker of gaiety before he averted them. “Probably not.”
I smiled, and then stood up and stoked the fire. “I hope you realize that you’re going to need these people to get to the end.”
“Do you think I like being this way?” he groused. As he dipped his head forward, I noticed Carl’s body slump under the weight of his own hang-ups. “I can’t help it. I’ve never been good with social interactions. When I was a kid, I got picked on pretty fiercely. I mean, look at me. I was a freak, over six feet tall at the age of nine. I guess I just assume people are making fun of me at all times, so that’s why I’m not nice back.”
“That’s pretty cynical thinking,” I said, leaving the fire to sit down next to him on the log. “You stand out, obviously, but that doesn’t mean people are making fun of you. They’re just fascinated.”
“Yeah, well, I never asked to be a seven-foot-two-inch-tall freak.”
“And I never asked to be a motherless eight-year-old. We don’t always get to choose, Carl.”
My very personal admission shut Carl down. He shifted uncomfortably. If I didn’t take action now, the two of us would fall back into that painful silence.
“Oh, stop,” I smiled.
“Now I feel bad.”
“Don’t. I wasn’t whining; just stating a fact. You know, when I first saw you, I admit, I was mesmerized by your overall appearance. But I wanted to get to know you. You were the one that put up the wall.”
“I know,” he sighed. “I need to be less defensive. I get that.”
He seemed so vulnerable. A variety of emotions were swirling around inside my head for this guy. He was like a sweet, wounded man living inside a crotchety giant’s body. Suddenly I felt the need to protect him. Reaching out, I touched his massive shoulder, my hand dwarfed in comparison.
“Would you let me help you?” I asked.
“How?”
“With your social game. You won’t last long out here without one.”
Carl eyed me, a look of disbelief evident on his face. “Why would you do that?”
I understood his skepticism. Why would I help him? He was basically the enemy. If I were really playing the game only to win, I’d let him choke on his own neuroses. His misfortune was my gain, after all. But I’d already grown attached to Carl, and I couldn’t just leave him hanging. Tomorrow I’d start playing a ruthless game, but tonight, I was just Kenzie, the girl who put everyone else first.
“I like you. No other reason. Tomorrow we start your cotillion lessons.”
Carl and I talked the rest of our shift. He told me about his life as a lumberjack as well as his side career in Hollywood. He played roles in movies that needed exceptionally tall characters. It didn’t bring in much money, but it was something, and was also how he’d been discovered for this show. After some prodding, Carl opened up about his divorce, his daughter, and coming out at thirty-five. Not surprisingly, Carl’s surly temperament didn’t play well in the gay crowd, and he had yet to find love, or even ‘like,’ for that matter. As far as I could tell, the only good thing he had in his life was his daughter, and he rarely got to see her as his ex-wife had moved with their daughter to another state after the divorce. There was a deep sadness in Carl that touched my heart and made me want to help him. By the end of our two-hour shift, I felt connected to this gentle giant in ways I never would have thought possible. We even hugged it out before he wandered back to his side of the bamboo tracks and I to mine.
Kyle was sleeping soundly when I got to our sleeping quarters. I wanted to curl up into his body the exact way I had woken up this morning, but I knew that wasn’t appropriate given our very short and very platonic relationship. But the memory of his arms wrapped around me sent warmth through my body. If it were raining I’d have an excuse, but as it was now-with clear, warm skies- there was just no justifiable way to get me some cuddling time in without totally freaking the dude out. Bummed, I slipped in between him and Marsha.
As I lay there waiting for sleep to take me, I watched Kyle’s peaceful face. He definitely intrigued me. There was more to him than met the eye. I was sure of it. Unable to fall asleep, I lay there and endlessly speculated what his story might be. His comment earlier about not being a winner played over and over in my mind. I thought I’d heard just the slightest hint of sadness in his words. Kyle presented himself to the world as just some funny, goofy guy, but I had to wonder if that smile was there to mask something deeper… a pain that remained unspoken.
TV Confessional
“I’m going to put the jolly in Carl
’s green giant. Wait, that didn’t sound right, did it?”
—Kenzie
17
Kyle: Udder’s Day
It was day three, and I was sitting by myself on the beach reflecting on the changes I’d noticed since arriving on the island. Inhaling deeply, I marveled at the relaxed sense of calm I was feeling. The anxiety that had gripped me for weeks leading up to the start of the game was miraculously gone. Being cut off from Jake, with no way to contact him, was actually freeing in a way I never would have thought possible. I’d spent the past ten years tethered to my brother, not only because he needed the support but because I did too. Our shared past haunted me in ways that I’d never been able to shake. Of course it affected Jake so much more. I wasn’t trying to downplay his suffering, but his was an accepted pain, maybe even an expected one. Jake’s nightmare was out there for the world to see and judge. Me? I was just a background player in the story of his tragic life. No one knew or cared what I’d gone through all those years ago. Yeah, it wasn’t anything next to the magnitude of what Jake had survived, but to me it was real and terrifying, and the memories still lived on in my head.
For all my bravado, deep down, I was just a scared kid. New experiences terrified me. Being alone without the support of a trusted few filled me with dread. Just the fact that I was out here at all was a major accomplishment.
I hadn’t always been this way. There was a time, many years ago, that I was one of those daredevil kids. You know the type – the kid all other kids admired for his fearlessness and the one other parents shook their heads at in disapproval. I’d broken many bones in my attempts to experience all that life had to offer. Whether it was riding my bike off a store rooftop or flipping through the air on my skateboard, I was always up for a new challenge. The old Kyle would have reveled in an adventure like this, but I’d stopped being that kid a long time ago.