by Leanne Davis
Kylie finally got her hearing with the disciplinary board and the news came back: Tommy was found not guilty. There was insufficient evidence of any wrongdoing, so he was allowed to remain fully instated at school with no limitations. Kylie shocked everyone by handling the outcome with grace and understanding. She remained calm and rational.
Ally, however, did not. But no one knew that. Just Nate. He held her trembling, crying body the night after the verdict was read. Ally was so disillusioned with the court system. And so hurt. She swore at the injustice in the world and her entire focus shifted. She was suddenly burning with anger and a desire to fight the court’s ruling. She intended to fight for women’s justice. She started spending hours doing research on it and logging into different websites, support groups, as well as writers and poets who supported victims. She even considered changing her career focus to criminal law instead of environmental law. Which of course she had years to decide. Coincidentally, they had both, separate of each other, done early admission to UC Davis School of Law and been accepted to start the following fall. It was easy to start fantasizing what going to law school together could be like. But to date, their relationship was so new they hadn’t made any more than general references to being there together.
Nate wondered how serious she was. He knew it was messing up her sense of wellbeing. Ally withdrew from Nate in every way; emotionally, mentally and physically. He didn’t complain about the sudden infrequency of sex. They hadn’t made love since the day before she discovered Kylie was raped. Incidentally, that was also the day he found out what she did in her bathroom. It wasn’t the sex Nate missed, but Ally. She didn’t act the same, talk the same or interact with him the same. She was aloof and quiet and serious. Crazy, with how serious she’d suddenly become about women’s rights and victims being shamed and blamed; worst of all, rapists getting away with it.
Ally associated Kylie’s rape with any kind of sex. Nate understood why. There was nothing seductive about this time in Ally’s life. She was grappling with a huge event in her sister’s life that affected how Kylie interacted with Ally. The most stunning revelation was how that changed her view of the one person she was previously so confident she knew, and expected to confide in her. Kylie pulled the proverbial rug out from under Ally, triggering doubts in her own self-confidence and how she perceived others. Including Nate.
Nate didn’t get upset when Ally only rarely let him hold or kiss her. When she was crying, however, she always let him hold her. And he didn’t get upset when days passed without her seeing or talking to him. He didn’t even mind when Ally obsessively followed Tommy and tracked his whereabouts. She wanted to make sure he didn’t rape anyone else. Nate was resigned to let her. He let her do her thing in the bathroom too. But he also knew her behavior was inappropriate to what it should have been, and she was only growing worse.
He couldn’t continue to do nothing. His inertia was only enabling a terrible situation and delaying an inevitable confrontation. But no matter how many times he resolved to start a conversation with Ally about her problem, he just… didn’t. He could not find the words to even start, so he let it keep sliding. Meanwhile, they grew further and further apart. Together, but sometimes it was like they were alone even if they were in the same room.
Nate went back to his dad’s again out of frustration and needing someone to talk to. Vickie took one glance at him and sighed. “What happened?”
He shrugged listlessly as he sprawled on the couch and sipped the pop he took from his dad’s stash. “A friend of mine. She does something that I can’t understand. I don’t know what to do about it.”
“What does she do?”
He winced and made a face to convey his disgust, scrunching it up and wrinkling his nose. “She throws up her food after meals. She eats gargantuan amounts and then regurgitates it.”
Vickie was painting her nails. She capped the purple bottle of nail polish, blew on her nails, and leaned towards him, widening her eyes with surprise. “Bulimic?”
“Yeah. I guess so. Do you know anyone who does that?”
“No. But I had a friend years ago who was anorexic; and of course, Tracy always worried that Kylie was. But bulimia for me? No way. The barfing kept me from doing that.” Vickie shook her shoulders as the thought of it grossed her out. Nate dropped his head, feeling the same childish urge anytime he imagined someone purposely inducing vomit. “Is it someone close to you?”
“Yes.” He kept his gaze glued to his knee, which bobbed up and down with anxiety. He didn’t know what to say, and there was nothing Vickie could do to help him. But… all that food. And all the time she insisted on being alone. Ally was withdrawing by the day from everything and everyone. Even her strangely eccentric reaction to her B+ wasn’t like her behavior now.
Vickie straightened her posture. “Like a girlfriend? Nate? Do you have a girlfriend?”
He swallowed. Ally would hate him. If Ally found out Nate told anyone first of all, that she was his girlfriend; and second, that she was bulimic and he asked for help about what to do, she’d detest him. She’d break up with him on the spot and not speak to him again. He knew how cut and dried she was. He knew it firsthand. She would not hesitate to clip someone permanently from her life. He would be the first one up to be cut by her. Finally, he nodded his head to answer Vickie’s question. She gasped. “Oh Nate. And she’s the one with the eating problem?”
He nodded again and crossed his hands together over his knee to stop it from trembling. “She doesn’t know that I know. But I figured it out. I just don’t know what the fuck to do about it.”
“So you came here to ask your dad? The day I was crying here about Kylie, you wanted to talk about that, didn’t you?”
“It wasn’t the right time then. Besides, what can I do? It’s her problem. If we don’t discuss it, how can I help? And if I dare confront her, she’ll end it with me. And that will be that with her and for good.”
Vickie rose, drawing his eyes with her sudden and pronounced movement. “You fucking do something about it. Even if she breaks up with you. Jesus, Nate, would you rather have a girlfriend or let her die? That’s the road this girl is on. You don’t just ‘get over’ something like bulimia. Just like you don’t get over being an alcoholic. It’s a compulsive habit she most likely can’t help, like mine was. Do you think you’re being noble somehow by protecting her? Enabling her?”
His mouth was open halfway through her impassioned tirade. “I—I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her. Or for her to get hurt, of course, but I don’t want to lose her either. You don’t understand how cut-and-dried she is. How easily she can turn away from me. Or how long I waited to get her.”
Vickie was pacing by then and crossed the room and came back. Nate hadn’t considered the comparison between alcoholism and eating disorders. It was simple. And Vickie had suffered for years from alcoholism. He listened to her talk about it plenty of times to know. But Ally? He glanced at Vickie and nearly rubbed his eyes. Imagine Vickie and Ally, of all the family members, being so alike? It was awkward at first glance, but then again, it fit in other ways. They were both strong personalities. Whether you liked them or not depended on how much you liked or didn’t like their particular personalities. Those who didn’t like Vickie found it hard to deal with her many… quirks, and could not accept them as easily as Nate did. As easily as he accepted Ally. He sighed. Where Ally aimed for perfection in all things, Vickie aimed for fun, and being young and forever carefree. Both women dived head first after what they wanted, but their choices were completely opposite things. And both women had a secret compulsion, an addiction that no one suspected or sensed from them.
Vickie stopped dead, her bare feet curling into the carpet. “Cut and dried she is? Years you’ve waited…” Vickie was muttering to herself. Then her gaze suddenly snapped up and landed on his. With a fierce, glowering scowl, she exclaimed, “Holy mother of my fucking God! It’s Ally. You’re talking about Ally. There’s no one el
se you’ve longed for as much you have her. There’s no one else as cut and dried as she is either.” Vickie’s entire body sagged towards the floor as she started shaking her head. “Oh, God! Tracy. How much more can my poor sister take?” She was shaking her head. “We have to tell Tracy. Now. You stupid little shit. You can’t sit on news about someone’s health like this. She’s my niece. For God’s sake, Nate, you should have come running and screaming to all of us right off the bat.”
Vickie was already gathering up her shoes and purse as she kept screaming at him. Nate was on his feet. No! No! No! He didn’t expect Vickie to guess or go running out so fast to her sister. To Ally’s mom. She was going to rat him out. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen. All those warnings about Vickie played in his head. But he remembered how well she did know him, so of course, she noticed his crush on Ally. He nearly smacked his head. How could he think she hadn’t noticed? And now, she’d what? Keep quiet? Be discreet? Be respectful? Be low key? Yeah, not one of those words described Vickie because they all described Ally. Ally would loathe, detest, and never again look at Nate when she found out he went to Vickie, of all people, before he even asked her about it. He should have warned her. Or given her a chance to explain, or change, or promise to get help… but deep in his gut, he knew why he hadn’t. She’d have simply broken up with him, then denied it without receiving help.
“You want to march in right now and tell her mother?”
Vickie stopped dead. “I most certainly intend to. You need to come with me. You know more than I do.”
He stared her down, but she shook her head and finally gentled her tone. “I can imagine how much you wanted her. I know this feels wrong, perhaps like you are betraying her, but her health isn’t something you get to risk while you try to figure it out.”
“But there are ways of handling such delicate things with sensitivity and care, neither of which you are known for having, Vickie.”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, no, duh. Luckily, I’m not the one doing the dealing, Tracy will be, and she’s got a pretty easy touch. Do you want to drive?”
Nerves made his stomach flutter but he nodded. After they arrived at Tracy’s, Vickie walked right in, yelling, “Tracy?”
Tracy came out from the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel, having obviously just washed the dinner dishes. “Vickie? Nate? What are you two doing here?”
Vickie’s face remained stoic. “We need to talk. It’s important. Very important. Kylie-rape kind of important. Is Donny here?”
Tracy’s eyes instantly fastened on her sister and then on him. “What? What’s happened now?”
“Is Donny here?” Vickie repeated.
“No, he had to work late.”
“You need to call him, Trace.” Vickie’s tone was softer and she grabbed her sister’s hands in hers. “It’s about Ally.”
Nate marveled at Vickie. She was such a damn blow-hard, twit, and screw-up, but she had some moments where her depth and real caring and sincerity emerged. And it mostly happened with her two sisters. Oddly enough, she seemed content that her ex-husband, one of four, was married to Tracy.
Tracy stared in disbelief, her eyes going wide as she shook her head. Her mouth opened, then closed. Helplessly, she slumped down and sat on the chair ottoman just a few feet away. “What more could there be? Ally? Is she… tell me she’s all right?”
“She is for now. But she’s not going to be. And you have to get there fast. Through all the sadness, disbelief and grief. You have to act now, and feel it all later. Nate? Why don’t you explain what’s going on?”
Tracy shifted her gaze to him. Her eyeballs already looked glazed over. She seemed dazed and shell-shocked as if she couldn’t totally process or face it. Nate shuffled forward, miserable under her scrutiny and still so unsure of what he was doing and why. Mostly for what it could mean to Ally… and for him. “I’ve been dating Ally. Since January. It’s pretty serious, at least, it is from my end. The thing is—”
He blew out some air. How could he say this to her mother? The sense of betrayal made his tongue feel so thick it was like he glued it to the roof of his mouth. He drew his shoulders back. Ally’s health. This was about her health. Not their relationship. Or her feelings towards him. Those were all secondary to Ally’s health and well-being. Judging by the serious way Vickie was reacting, he was right to be so concerned. He was not exaggerating or being overly sensitive. What Ally did was bad. Really bad. And even Vickie understood that and knew what to do about it.
“You and Ally? I had no idea. Through all this stuff with Kylie, she didn’t tell us about you.”
“It was a secret. I’m not sure why. I just went along with it. Glad just to have a chance with her.”
“Okay, so what’s going on? Why the dramatic entrance?”
Nate took in a deep breath. “Ally has a problem. With… with food.”
Tracy’s entire face changed: her cheeks sagged, her nose wrinkled, and her lips sneered.
“What? Ally? A food disorder? No. She’s perfect. Not too skinny. Not heavy either, obviously. She eats quite healthy meals… no, it’s Kylie we always worried about. But even then, I wasn’t sure. But she’s convinced me now, she’s not and never was.”
“Ally eats healthy meals with you. But when she’s away from you? She stashes and hides ridiculous amounts of snack and junk food. I’ve found the empty wrappers hidden in bags around her room. I’m not sure what that’s about, but I know she does it. The day Tristan called about Kylie and Ally figured out what happened to her? She ran into the bathroom and made herself throw up. I witnessed it. I was… totally flummoxed by it. I didn’t believe what I just observed her doing. She pretended like nothing out of the ordinary happened. But I knew what I saw. I waited until she left and I found them. All the empty packages and wrappers. All the food.”
Shame filled him and heat burned his cheeks and neck. Was he betraying Ally? Or merely stating her problem out loud?
“Bulimia?” Tracy’s voice interrupted his racing, panicky doubts. He lifted his gaze to her. He’d have sworn she didn’t believe him. “You’re saying Ally, my Ally, is bulimic? Throws up her meals? That doesn’t even make sense. She doesn’t do that. She’s about the most rationally minded twenty-one-year-old that I’ve met. She wouldn’t do that. She has no reason to do that. That’s just ludicrous.”
Nate expected tears or recrimination from Tracy. He would not have been surprised if she simply passed out from all the stress she had to endure in recent months. But to suggest he was wrong or lying to her? He didn’t foresee this development.
He glanced at Vickie for help. She stepped forward and touched Tracy’s shoulder. “I know you have a lot on your plate right now from Kylie; and I can’t imagine how painful it must be for you right now, but Nate isn’t making this up. And he is not wrong. If he saw it, it exists. I’d stake my life on it.” Nate glanced up at Vickie, grateful for her unconditional belief in him.
“Ally wouldn’t sleep with you; she hated knowing you’d been with Vickie.”
Nate dropped his head, embarrassment overcoming him. “That’s the biggest reason she kept it so secret.”
Tracy was quiet. Nate didn’t dare lift his head. He stared at his palms, feeling so wrong, like he opened up a can of worms for no good reason. Tracy stood up. She left the room and came out with her purse.
“Where are you going?” Vickie asked, voicing Nate’s thoughts.
“To her apartment, of course. I’m going to find out what the hell is going on. No more goddamned secrets.” Tracy’s hands were trembling. Nate jumped up and so did Vickie who stepped forward and grabbed Tracy’s keys. “Let Nate drive. We’ll go with you.”
Tracy nodded, and tears filled her eyes. She suddenly whipped around and grabbed Nate’s forearm, squeezing hard, as if she were using it to maintain her balance. “Are you sure about this?” she whispered softly, the pain much more evident in her voice than her denial.
“Yes.” He glanced away.<
br />
She closed her eyes and drew in a breath. Then, she let him go and walked with her shoulders set squarely to the car.
They were all silent on the drive. Nate’s stomach was still twisting in painful knots that only squeezed his midsection more tightly when he breathed deeply. There was no sign of Ally’s car and she did not answer their persistent knocking. Tracy produced a key and entered. She marched into Ally’s bedroom and started ransacking it. Nate stood back, gulping down the sudden lump in his throat as he watched in anticipation. When Tracy found all the bags she started to cry and sat down in the middle of the floor with the garbage spread all around her. She huddled into a crying heap and Vickie wrapped her arms around her.
Tracy licked her lips, using both hands to clutch Vickie’s arm. “What did I do that was so wrong? First, Kylie… too scared to report a date rape to us for two years, and now… oh, God, now Ally, the one I never even suspected of having problems… Now Ally does this? I don’t know where I went wrong. What did I do to them to make them so screwed up? I mean why does she keep all this…” Tracy lifted up wrappers and let them float down from her hand to the floor. Her overwhelming helplessness bright in her eyes, as she nearly cried out, “this garbage? Why would Ally do this? I just don’t understand.”