by Leanne Davis
Ally buried her face into her hands. “Oh, my God,” she muttered. Tracy glanced at Tabitha.
“Do you mind if we have the apartment to ourselves for a while? There’s some stuff going on we need to discuss.”
Tabitha nodded eagerly, her gaze focused solely on Ally. “Sure, Mrs. McKinley. Of course.” Tabitha glanced toward him and Nate just shrugged, staring intently at the floor. He had no help to offer anyone else when it came to compartmentalizing what this was or what it meant.
The door slammed and Tracy’s quiet murmurs filled the room until she and Ally sat down together on her bed. Ally still hadn’t admitted or confirmed Nate’s information. Any idiot could see she was upset. Nate had no idea, however, how she would spin this.
Nate turned and left, he was so unsure of what to do. He felt like a peeper, lurking on the outside of a melodrama that he didn’t understand and had no place in. He dropped down on the couch, dejected, shaken, and completely freaked out. Even his hands were shaking and his breath became erratic. He was physically depleted as he tried to calm his own anxiety caused by Ally’s violent and angry outburst.
Leaping up when he heard the apartment door being opened, Kylie rushed in with Tristan close behind. Kylie stopped dead in the hallway when she noticed Nate.
“Nate? What are you doing here?”
Good freaking question. “Ally and I have been dating.”
Kylie’s mouth dropped in astonishment. “You’ve been dating Ally? No way. She can’t stand you.” Kylie covered her lips with her fingers in an “oops!” gesture. “Sorry, I meant, she hates your relationship with Vickie.”
“She still does. Don’t worry, she tells me often enough. But she had decided to date me anyway.”
“How?”
Nate sighed, his shoulders slumping as he dropped back onto the couch and began staring dejectedly at his sneakers. “Drunken hook-up one night that didn’t stop.”
What was the use of telling her he had a crush, and was half in love with her for years? He wondered how the bulimia issue would affect them.
“Ally doesn’t do drunken hook-ups.”
Nate sighed. “There is probably a lot nobody knows that Ally does.”
Kylie came closer, placing her hands on her hips. “Donny called me. He was asked to come home by Mom, only to find the house empty. Getting worried, he called me and asked me to go to Ally’s and check on her, since this crisis had something to do with Ally. What is it? What is going on?”
Nate ran his hands restlessly into his hair. “Your mom and Vickie are in there now with her. She’s… hell, I don’t know… pretty upset. I divulged a secret she didn’t want known, something that she wouldn’t have told anyone, and now…”
“What? What did you tell?”
“Ally’s bulimic. I saw her vomit and I found her stashes of food wrappers. Tracy didn’t believe me when I told her so she came straight here to see for herself. So now, here we are.” His tone was slightly frigid. No doubt because he felt numb, almost like he was witnessing the scene from somewhere else.
“Ally? Makes herself throw up?”
Nate kept his head down, and his voice was hollow when he answered, “Yes. I know it’s shocking, and it’s so not like her. I know. I’ve had all the same arguments. The tragedy is, it is her. And the first thing that everyone, me included, must come to terms with is that unhappy revelation about Ally.”
Kylie lowered her butt into a chair and sat there for almost a full minute without speaking. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth still agape. “My sister? Ally? Has an eating disorder?”
Nate finally lifted his gaze. “Ironic, isn’t it? Everybody thought you had the problem, but it was always Ally.”
“I didn’t see it, Nate. Not even the most remote sign. As you say it now, I still don’t believe you. Not one time in our lives together did I observe any kind of behavior from Ally that might support such an accusation. But then again… well, she’s so, so perfect. Nobody’s that perfect; but I just thought she might be.”
Nate stared at his fingertips, steepling them together and pulling them apart and then together again. “Yeah, well, she isn’t.” His words sounded so cold, and his tone was somewhat strangled.
“It’s true?”
“Yes, it’s true.” Nate sighed, he was so tired. He sympathized with Kylie’s disbelief and the quiet way she spoke was almost reverent, as if someone who was much beloved just died. It was such an odd scenario. Ally McKinley purposely ejecting the contents in her stomach from her body? It just didn’t fit the chic, neat, organized, totally responsible image, and persona Ally embodied. Nate appreciated it when Kylie stopped arguing with him. He could tell by her tone that she believed him, and was just having a difficult time believing it. Reconciling bulimia with the sister she knew, cherished and admired was a nearly impossible task.
Kylie pressed her temple and nearly whispered, “I can’t grasp any of this.”
“I can’t either, not really,” Nate agreed.
“Oh, God, all that stuff with me…”
“Didn’t help her, let’s just say that. I might not have known if she hadn’t gotten so careless. Her outrage over your rape was why she began to do it more often. Or at least, that’s what I think. I don’t actually know the whole story.”
“You haven’t talked to her?”
“No, I talked to Vickie, who guessed it was Ally that I was referring to, and she immediately went to your mom. Then your mom stormed in here and Ally walked in… Let’s just say I didn’t intend for anything like this to happen. Not like this.”
“Vickie? Oh.”
“Yes, she won’t like knowing that at all.”
“I imagine she didn’t like it either. I’m sorry, Nate. I’ll go in there and talk to them. Just… don’t give up on Ally. She might seem rigid and uncompromising, but really, she’s actually the opposite. She sincerely wants the best for everyone she loves… even if her methods of implementation don’t reflect that.”
Nate smiled, lifting only a corner of his mouth. “You do know her. I think she wanted to believe that only she knew the real you.”
Kylie shook her head. “No. I know her. I just didn’t know about this. I think I took her for granted, figuring she had all her shit together, from her grades to her emotions. Nothing like this could have ever crossed my mind.”
Nate lifted his eyes and asked, “Did you know she got a B+ fall quarter?”
“No. I didn’t. She didn’t tell me. But that would definitely not be okay for her.”
Nate inhaled a deep breath. “No. It wasn’t okay with her. Do you have any idea how she obsessed over it? It nearly paralyzed her and she couldn’t do her schoolwork, she was so afraid she might get another one. It seemed like she thought she failed so epically, she didn’t trust herself not to do it again.”
“And then all this stuff with me?”
“Yes, she took it really hard.”
Kylie closed her eyes and Tristan reached over to squeeze her shoulder. “Hey, you didn’t do it on purpose.”
Kylie blinked swiftly and nodded. “No. But it doesn’t change that I should have noticed something.”
Nate scoffed. “She was too good at hiding it. She wouldn’t have let you see her that way. I was practically living here before I saw her do it.”
Kylie shook her head. “Damn. Well, I’m going in there to find out what’s going on.”
She left Nate and the female voices rose in a soft murmur before fading as Kylie shut the bedroom door. Tristan stared at Nate for a long moment before taking the chair Kylie just vacated. “These girls…”
Nate nodded, running his fingers over his weary eyes. “Not easy, are they?”
“No, they’re not,” Tristan agreed quietly. Then they both fell silent. Nate couldn’t stop thinking, reviewing, and obsessing. What should he have done differently? What, if anything, did he do right? Was telling Vickie the right thing to do? But if he hadn’t drawn someone’s attention to it, no one would ha
ve ever known. He was sure of that. Their collective guilt at not noticing Ally’s problem was wasted. She was brilliant at hiding it, and convincing people not to worry.
Eventually, the door opened and Vickie came out. She flopped down beside Nate. “Well?”
“They’re talking. She finally admitted it to Tracy. They’re all talking about it, why and how the urges come and all that. But more importantly, what do we do now?”
“I should go,” Nate replied, his tone sounding dull. He rubbed his eyes.
“Go?” Vickie’s gaze sharpened on him. “Where do you plan to go?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. But I doubt she wants to see me right now.”
“Are you running away?” Vickie asked bluntly. “Are you just going to bail on her?”
Nate shifted around, visibly uncomfortable at her accusation. “Not bailing on her. Just… giving her more space. I’ll let her decide when she is ready to contact me.”
“Oh, sure, you’re just thinking of her. It’s all for Ally, right? So now you need to leave? Honestly? I’m disappointed, I didn’t think you would ever do that.”
Tristan let out a half laugh, half snort. “Wow, you don’t sugarcoat what you say, do you?”
“No. I don’t,” Vickie answered. “Probably my best and worst trait. Among others.”
“You heard her in there.”
“Yeah, I heard a young girl in a lot of pain, feeling helpless and out of control and pretty lost. Yeah, I know how that feels. The compulsive craving for something you know is so wrong and bad and terrible for you makes you so ashamed about it. I know what it’s like to hide it at all costs from those you love and respect the most. You know what Donny did when he finally discovered I binge drank? Just like Ally binge eats? He threatened to leave me unless I started rehab.”
“Which didn’t work,” Nate pointed out gently. “Neither the rehab, nor the relationship.”
“Not that time, but eventually, it did. And our relationship wasn’t destroyed by my alcoholism, but only because we were a terrible match.” As Vickie spoke, the apartment door opened again and Donny Lindstrom rushed in, his face strained with worry. Vickie waved, and her expression was grim as she continued, “And he fell in love with my sister, of course.”
Donny rolled his eyes and Vickie smiled. Then she turned back to Nate. “You don’t run, Nate. That’s the point of my story. You don’t hide. You don’t get all pansy-ass. You confront it, head on, and face the music. Give her an ultimatum; demand that she get treatment immediately, but reassure her of your support, and convince her you’ll always be there.”
Donny walked over to Vickie as she stood up. “Dane is taking care of Julia,” Donny muttered as he hugged Vickie and she returned his hug. “What’s happening here anyway? Tracy called, but she was pretty reticent.”
“Ally’s been suffering from bulimia since about age sixteen. No one knew until now. Nate started dating her on the sly and he figured it out. He asked for my advice, never suspecting I might guess whom he was talking about, but of course, I did… and here we are,” Vickie recapped quickly, cutting right to the chase.
“You’re dating Ally? On the sly. But weren’t you…” Donny glared at Nate, who sighed, standing up. Nate had to give this family kudos, they were all in. Every last one of them.
“Yes, I slept with my stepmother who is now your ex-wife and married to my father. Yes, Ally hates that. But she was getting over it. It’s all bat-shit stupid. But mostly, yes, I walked in on Ally making herself throw up.”
Donny shut his eyes, just like Kylie had. Shaking his head, Donny seemed as stunned by the news as every other person. Everyone was floored to hear Ally had such a detrimental secret and managed to hide it so well and appear so normal. Nate wasn’t the only one. It both stung Nate and soothed him how all the people around her finally saw their first glimpse of the real Ally, which she successfully kept secret from the most important people in her life. No wonder he wasn’t sure if there was something off with her at first. There were no signs or evidence. It was simply freak luck that he witnessed it happening when he did. If Tristan’s call about Kylie hadn’t totally freaked her out, Nate wouldn’t have seen what she did to herself. Of that, he was very sure.
“So Vickie was just lecturing you; why?”
“I thought maybe I should leave.”
Donny nodded. “This is a lot to handle.”
“It is,” Nate agreed quietly. His stomach was churning in knots. Bile climbed up his throat. Who would willingly choose to feel that way? he wondered. It was so hard for him to even sympathize with or understand, even though he desperately wanted to.
“I hate my daughters freaking dating,” Donny muttered, rubbing his hands over his face. He was glaring first at Tristan and then at Nate. “But if you abandon her now, I’ll skin the hide off your ass, and if not me, I’ll make your father do it. Your father, who is now married to my ex-wife and watching my daughter right now. Jesus. Will the ceaselessly weird relationships never end with this family?”
Vickie pushed at his chest. “As if you aren’t the guiltiest participant.”
Donny nodded. “I’m going in to check on them.”
The whole family wanted to be there for Ally.
She’d freaking hate that. Nate knew it as surely as his name. Having her apartment filled with her family members so worried, concerned, and afraid for her would completely freak Ally out. She wasn’t needy in their eyes, not like this. She had no idea how to fill this new role.
Nate eventually grew hungry. Yet, the very action of grabbing food made him stare vacantly for a prolonged moment. What was it like to struggle with eating it? Hating it? Loving it? Devouring it? Craving it? He could not imagine fearing what he ate or desired. Now he wondered what they should do? Did they offer Ally food, since she surely needed it? What was the protocol in such a situation? If someone has an eating disorder, they still have to eat. That was a profound revelation for Nate. He glanced at Vickie, remembering she had the same compulsion for drinking alcohol. Part of her recovery required that she never drink any alcohol again. Ally? She couldn’t go without any food. She had to still eat. How could she gain control over something she was addicted to? How could Ally partake in the very behavior she was trying to avoid? How could she eat to maintain her health? It was such an odd problem. And the solution seemed entirely part of the problem to Nate. She’d have learn to eat to control her eating problem. How?
And in all that turmoil, where exactly did that leave Nate in Ally’s life?
He felt a deep gnawing uncertainty that this was more than he could handle. What kind of person did that make him? Too scared to contemplate that answer he simply stared down and said nothing to anyone.
Chapter Thirteen
EVERYONE KNEW NOW. ALLY buried her head in her hands as the truth rippled through her brain and body like a shock wave after a nuclear bomb detonates. Having lived for years with the fear of someone finding out, and not just someone, but everyone she loved, respected and whose opinions mattered most to her, she felt humiliated, horrified, ashamed… and relieved.
Spinning a knot in her stomach, Ally longed to escape. She yearned to lock herself in her bathroom again, although she knew they wouldn’t allow her to do that.
Hearing a subtle knock at the door, Ally looked up to see Kylie. Their gazes met briefly before Ally looked down and tears filled her eyes once more. Kylie rushed forward and wrapped her skinny, long arms around her sister. “Ally, oh, Ally. I’m here. I’m here, we’ll figure this out.”
Ally looked up and wiped her eyes, which were red and irritated. The fresh tears and fresh wiping stung. “I’m supposed to say that to you.”
“Not this time,” Kylie muttered, pushing her fingers through the front of Ally’s hair as a mother might comfort her child. “Not this time. This time, we’re all here for you.”
“Bad timing. I mean, you got raped. Hurt. Abused. And it wasn’t your fault. Whereas I do this to myself.”
“You don’t do it on purpose. There’s no fault or blame involved. Come on, Ally, we’re more sophisticated than that, and a lot more caring. No one blames you or thinks any less of you. You simply have a disease, illness, addiction, or compulsion, whatever you want to call it. You need help to cure it. Treatment. And our love. You already have all of our love.”
Kylie and Ally sat on her bed, hugging. Tracy and Ally had already discussed her whatever you want to call it at length. Finally, Kylie asked, “What now? What happens next?”
“I guess I’ll probably have to take some time off school to get help or whatever.”
“Are you willing to do that?” Kylie asked bluntly.
“I suppose I can’t ignore it anymore, now, can I?”
“Probably not.”
Tracy spoke up. “I think, for a short while, Ally may require some in-patient therapy to start, and then she can move on to being an outpatient. I don’t know. This is all new for me. I have some research to do… and obviously, I plan to learn all I can.”
Ally traced the pattern of her bedspread with one finger. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I do it?”
Kylie bit her lower lip. “Come on, Ally, it’s me. I understand about finding ways to cope. Even if they’re unhealthy ways.”
Ally’s lips trembled. “You are very nonjudgmental.”
“I think you are mostly hypercritical of yourself.”
“Mom called Gretchen. She knows of a good place I should go. They approach it as a whole person and include dietary, psychological, and group therapy treatment.”
Kylie nodded. “I think you should do it.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Tracy got up and went over to talk for a few moments to Donny.
Ally kept her gaze down, softly asking, “Is Nate still here?”
“Yes, but shell-shocked isn’t an adequate word to describe him at this minute.”
“Yeah, real healthy start to a relationship, huh?”
“You and Nate? A drunken hook-up that kept going on? You are so full of… surprises.”