by M. Mabie
But then, he didn’t write. Didn’t call. Didn’t visit. And without him around, I was lonely and broke the promises I’d made.
“I didn’t wait for you, Aaron.”
His brows rose. “But I can wait for you.”
It was the first time he’d mentioned it since he’d come home. It had been four years of neither of us bringing it up.
Why now?
“Aaron?” The popping slowed, and I walked to the machine. He didn’t know what he was saying. He had no idea how different things were. I had a life full of baggage. No time. No energy to give him what he needed.
“I am waiting,” he countered to my back. The words seemed to hang in the air like a flickering neon sign in the dimly lit bar.
After dumping the contents of the kettle, I filled two paper dishes for the table of card players, and brought it over to them. Nervous and killing time, I got back to the machine and filled another for the girls.
I was at work. Flirting was one thing, but I couldn’t have that conversation there. What had I been thinking, wanting him to show up?
His eyes followed me around as I did my job. I could feel them on me all the way back to where he sat. Maybe I was looking for some fun, some nostalgia, but what he was saying was too much to handle. “You don’t mean that.”
“Try me, Fay.”
He was the only person to ever call me that and hearing it sent warmth across my skin.
“You don’t know what you’re saying. Things aren’t like they used to be. I’m not who I was.”
“Neither am I, but maybe who we are now will work. We could try.”
The faucet squeaked as I twisted the handle to wash the dishes, avoiding the shift in thoughts from attraction to emotion. To keep myself busy, I let the water run warm over the fingers of my left hand, leaning my weight atop the bar with my right.
I wanted him, in countless ways, but most of them weren’t possible and it wasn’t fair.
His hand touched mine alongside my pinky. A gentle swipe. A stroke. My eyes fluttered as I stared at the water filling the basin. It had been so long since I’d been touched by a man—by anyone—like that. Then Aaron put his index finger on the top of my hand and left it there.
My knees threatened to quit on me. The idea of us was entertaining and nice to think about, but in real life I didn’t have anything to offer. I had work to do. A daughter to raise. A better job to look for. Barely any time to sleep or eat or relax. I had nothing for him.
“I can’t do this right now.” I hadn’t meant for it to be a whisper. Hell, it was no secret. But the words were heavy and barely squeezed their way out.
“Then just tell me that you want to. That’s enough for now.”
I looked up at him through my lashes. My chin trembled, hearing my old words repeated, and I hated it.
I hated all of it.
How I couldn’t control my life any more than I could get a handle on my emotions. How I would disappoint him. How if I let myself have him—in any capacity—the odds were he’d leave again.
How stupid and selfish I was for wanting him anyway.
Chapter Seven
AARON
It had been bold to touch her. She was at work. I especially hadn’t meant to upset her and hadn’t noticed before how tired she looked. At that moment, she seemed so weary.
Her hair fell to the side as she nodded, and then she frowned.
My pulse hammered in my ears.
“I want to, but I don’t think I can. I don’t have the time.”
All I could focus on was the I want to part. That and putting a smile on her face again.
“Trust me, at this point, I won’t need much time.” That was the damn truth.
My dumb joke worked. The tension in her shoulders relaxed and she quietly laughed. It was an old trick, making her smile when things got too heavy, but in the past I’d never teased like that. I’d always hidden how badly I wanted her. Denied it, hoping it would help it go away when I left.
That hadn’t worked out for me, and there’d been times I wished I’d given her what she’d asked for back then. God, I made a lot of mistakes trying to do the right thing.
Look where that got us.
Her eyes brightened, but she pulled her hand away to wash something in the sink. “You know what I mean,” she contended.
The beer was going down too easily and it helped. “But if you had more time?”
“I don’t know, Aaron. What do you want me to say? That you’d be the first in line? You would be.” She shrugged and dunked another glass in the water. “But my life is complicated. I have a kid. I can’t just drop what I’m doing and go on dates. She’s my number one priority. That isn’t going to change.”
She was missing the point. “I wouldn’t expect it to, but while you’re busy making sure she has what she needs, what about you? You’ve more than proved you don’t need a man, Faith, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”
Her glassy eyes returned to mine.
Years ago she would have argued with me. Fought me tooth and nail, but she didn’t. She didn’t have to say anything; her face said it all. It explained how she wished things were different. It told me she didn’t think it was even up to her. Mostly, it showed her disappointment.
I finished the last of my High Life and dug my wallet out of my jeans. A twenty was the first bill I came to, and I put it under the empty bottle as I stood and tucked the stool under the ledge.
“I’m heading out.”
I didn’t want to leave, but I’d said my piece and done what I came to do. I wasn’t about to give up, and I sensed she didn’t want me to, but I couldn’t stay any longer. She had enough to think about.
“You’ve only had two.”
I confessed, “Yeah, well, it took two at home to get me here.” I’d only planned to drink one at Sally’s, but it paid off in the end. My whole reason for going was to let her know I’d been thinking about her.
Who knew, after all that time, it took four beers instead of three.
That’s all I needed for the night, and what she did with that information was up to her. I wanted her, however that might be, and she needed to know I was waiting.
I’D BEEN AT A GRASS fire, a controlled burn which turned out not so controlled, for almost ten hours. About thirty acres smoldered in the field, and basically I was just staying until it was out. Burns like that were commonplace, but it had been on a weekday and not many volunteers were able to make it.
Luckily, we managed to keep the flames from spreading to the thick brush and woods between the track of land and my friends’ place. Rhett and Sunny’s property was across the creek, but close enough.
“What time did you get here?” Rhett asked, walking across the field. “You should have called me. I was just mowing the levee for Dad.”
“It wasn’t that bad after we got a fire line trenched. Willis had a few guys come over and Randy was here when it was going strong.”
It was late afternoon and Willis, the field owner, and his workers were watching the side that was closest to an old barn at the north end of the burn. I raked and thatched on the Caraways’ side.
“Hell, I still could have helped.” He examined how close it had gotten to his timber in a spot near us. “I called Sunny to let her know I was stopping here first, and she didn’t even know what was going on. She’s been down in the studio all day—totally clueless.” He laughed since the situation wasn’t too worrisome anymore, although it could have been.
His wife, Sunny, was my cousin and a few years older than me. I didn’t know Rhett very much in school. He’d been younger, closer to Faith’s age, but after he got together with Sunny I now considered him one of my closest friends, along with Vaughn and Dean. Our group was pretty solid, and without my family in Wynne, it was nice having people to hang out with from time to time.
“The new landscape around the house looks damn nice,” I mentioned, having seen it as I drove by that morning. I hadn’
t been out that way for a while but had helped him with the frame and trusses when he was building.
“Thanks, it’ll take a few years to fill in, but Sunny likes it. So I’m happy.”
I leaned against the shovel I’d been using. “Hannah said you did great in the St. Louis race.”
He bent, picked up a rock, and threw it into the woods. “I did, but could have done better. My head wasn’t in it. Did Vaughn tell you their news?”
“About the baby?” I walked a few feet down and tamped out a lingering ember in the grass.
“Yeah, that’s kind of what Sunny and I were arguing about before the race. I’m ready. She says she isn’t.”
Normally, Rhett and I didn’t talk about that sort of stuff. Most of our conversations were about grant work I did for the station and one he’d recently written for a local youth ag program. Sometimes we talked about side jobs I had or just random town things, but women and kids never came up.
Rhett was young, but accomplished. He had a degree, a new home, a family business, and a wife he adored. I could see where kids would be the next step, the next goal, and I think we all expected it sooner than later.
Then again, Sunny had always done things in her own time. Why would children be any different?
I did my best to stay objective. “Not ready yet isn’t a bad thing, is it?”
“I guess not.” He stomped at the ground beside him, and I decided it was probably time to walk the fire line once more before I left Willis to tend to it on his own.
I aimed my shovel across the field. “I need to walk down there. Check it’s safe before I go.”
He nodded and came along. “Ever thought about having kids?”
“I have.” Actually, I thought about it all the time.
My boots crunched over the charred ground. Walking a fire line wasn’t a race, and as I walked I scoured the area for anything that might be a problem later if the wind picked up.
Rhett kept his head down, and as we trekked to the far side he tamped out hot spots too. “It’s just that I’ve been sure about Sunny my whole life. You know?”
I could relate.
“And I want a big family,” he admitted and laughed. “Don’t get me wrong, that’s something we’ll have to agree on, and I don’t expect Sunny to pop a kid out every year or two, but I don’t see the point in waiting to get started either. I’m excited for the next phase.”
The air was harsh with the charred smell of a field-sized campfire, causing my throat to dry. I coughed into the collar of my shirt and said, “To tell you the truth, I never thought about kids until I came back home.”
“I get that. They weren’t on my radar until I got with Sunny. Now it’s like there’s something in my farmer’s DNA saying do it. And she’ll be a great mom. God, this shit probably sounds fucked up to you. You’re still living the bachelor’s life.”
It wasn’t taking us long to get to the end of the line with two of us inspecting the ground. When Rhett came to a patch that was smoldering more than he liked, he dutifully reached for the handle of my shovel and pounded it out, turning the soil over to smother it.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone about Faith. Ever. In fact, in the Air Force, I began exchanging her name with Foxtrot when I thought about her, with the hopes that it wouldn’t conjure up her image every night. It didn’t help.
Hell, maybe my strategy for putting the ball in her court wasn’t going to work either because it had been nearly a week since I’d gone to the bar. Almost a whole fucking week since I’d seen her eyes or heard her voice, and as Rhett and I talked over what was going on with him, I missed her.
“I’m not single by choice,” I confessed. “I just have shitty timing.”
He stopped and cocked his head. “No shit?”
“No shit.”
“Someone in town?” he asked and marched ahead a few paces. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to say, but he’d been after Sunny since he was a kid and it turned out all right for him. Some advice couldn’t hurt.
“Yeah, but she’s got a lot going on so it’s never the right time.”
“I know all about that. It sucks.”
We got to the end and turned around, which had us walking straight into the afternoon sun. It was a hot one and my turn-outs would definitely be due for a wash when I got back to the station.
“Does she know?” He picked up another rock and tossed it as we headed over the hill, back to our trucks.
“She knows, but there’s history there and it’s kind of a mess.” I dug and covered another spot and he stopped to wait. “What happens next is up to her. There’s not much else I can do. Just keep waiting, I guess.”
He tipped his head to the sky. “Fuck. The waiting. It sucked.”
“Exactly.”
“It’s like they know your breaking point, and they let you get right there.” He chucked yet another rock into the woods. “I guess you just have to ask yourself if it’s worth the wait.”
“Likewise,” I countered, referring to his desire to start a family.
“Right?” He strolled up to his truck bed and pulled a bottle of water from his cooler, and then tossed it to me. Digging for another, he added, “I don’t give up easily, though, and convincing my wife to do things is half the fun.” He slapped the side of his leg and pulled his phone out of a cargo pocket. “Speak of the blue-eyed devil herself.” He swiped it open and answered. “Hello, sunshine.”
I put the tools I’d used that afternoon into their compartments and listened to him talk.
“It’s mostly out now. They had a hold of it long before I got here. If you want, put some real shoes on. We’ll take the four wheeler out when I get back and I’ll show you.” He laughed listening to her. “Yeah right. You haven’t been outside all day.”
I still needed to talk to Willis before I left, so I waved at Rhett who was climbing into the cab of his truck.
“Hold on a second,” he said into the cellphone before he pulled it away from his ear. “I’ll see you later, Aaron,” he called. “And, hey, it is worth the wait.”
I climbed into engine number one and waved out the window, letting him pull away first. He laughed as he headed home to the woman on the other end of the line.
Maybe I should call Faith.
Chapter Eight
FAITH
There was a line inside the bank, and I’d be waiting a while. So I spent a few minutes in the vestibule checking the community board. Garage sales. Used vehicles and farm equipment advertisements. Public auctions. Wood for sale.
At the bottom left, I read a help wanted ad.
Clerk/teller position with advancement opportunities. Competitive pay. Benefits. Full-time. Monday thru Friday, some weekends. Apply inside.
Holy shit. How nice would that be? Those hours. Benefits. Shit that could change my life.
I ripped the paper off the wall and shoved it into my purse, then looked around hoping nobody saw me. I probably shouldn’t have torn it off like that, but I didn’t want anyone else to see it. I wanted that job.
Advancement opportunities? I didn’t even know what those might be, but they sounded amazing. My jobs weren’t going anywhere.
I entered the lobby and stood in line, pulling my phone out of my purse since it would be a few more minutes. Immediately, I opened my chat thread.
Me: Holy shit! The bank is hiring. I need this job.
Noel: OMG! You need a better job. No offense. I know you work for your mom, but they don’t call them “banker’s hours” for nothing. Probably good money too. DO IT!
Me: I know. Benefits too. That alone would save me so much.
I was barely able to pay for insurance for Delaney and myself, even with the discounts we qualified for. Things could’ve always been worse, and I made every cent count, but if I was able to eliminate a few hundred dollars a month then I could probably stop bartending.
I was getting ahead of myself.
Someone walked up behind me, and I glanced forward
to make sure I was still where I needed to be in line. I didn’t want to be the rude chick on her phone when people had things to do. It was Friday afternoon and the bank was the hub in the middle of our town, so what had I expected?
Emma: YAS. Then you’ll have time to get laid.
Noel: She needs laid so bad.
Me: Bitches.
However trivial it was, they were right. If I got the job, I could possibly get laid.
Hell, who was I kidding? I would have been satisfied with kissed.
I didn’t always want to be the girl who rolled my eyes when the three of them were chatting about sex. I was confined to only chiming in when the conversation dipped into solo events. Otherwise, I just felt like a buzzkill, so I usually just let them go on about it without my two cents. In the love life department, I didn’t have anything to bitch or brag about. I had nada.
With more free hours in a day, maybe I could have some adult time. Some me time. More quality Delaney time. Perhaps, some Aaron time—if he’d been serious—but he hadn’t been into the restaurant or the bar all week.
So on that front, I was confused.
Noel: You could fuck the fireman instead of just perving on him.
Emma: Oh yeah. I vote the fireman too. That was the lame reason you had for not seeing him, Faith.
Emma: This is karma.
Emma: OMG. What if he has a great big dick and you’re like a virgin again. Hahahahaha. I need this to happen.
Noel: Oh, she’s for sure a reborn virgin.
I looked up as the lady in front of me turned, smiled at me, and left.
ME: brb
I’d wolfed down a protein bar in my car before I came in and prayed there wasn’t any chocolate on my teeth or face as I stepped up to the counter.
I didn’t know when I’d run into Aaron again, but oddly enough, I’d been taking a little more time in the morning to look ... I don’t know ... not as homely? Not so yeast infection commercially? Basically, I’d blown out my crazy hair and put some makeup on. I wasn’t winning any pageants, but it could have been worse. In fact, just that morning, Delaney had told me my face looked nicer.