Jake dropped his fork and wiped the corners of his mouth with a napkin before crumbling the paper up in his fist. The words sat on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to spit it out, but his eyes studied me for a moment before he finally stated, “You miss him.”
I exhaled. “You have no idea.”
Brief silence wrapped a noose around my neck, and I wondered if this was how the rest of my life would be—silently suffocating in the memory of him. I knew I would never find what Ollie and I shared again. “Embrace it, Mia. Every moment, no matter how long it lasts, it’s all worth it, yeah?” Ollie had once said.
Yeah, Ollie. It was all worth it.
“Sweet mother of Jesus,” Jake whispered, reeling me back to reality. “I forgot how fine Prince Harry over there was. His sweet ass is turning my bigger bollock blue,”—Jake leaned into me— “What’s his name again?”
Shaking my head, I pulled the fork from my mouth. “Ethan Scott.”
“That’s right.” Jake picked up his fork, but his eyes stayed on the security guard, opened mouthed and watering. “Never been into redheads, but I’ll gladly start a forest fire with that one.”
I laughed. An honest laugh. God, I missed Jake. “Good luck with that.”
“Oh, c’mon. You can’t tell me he isn’t fit as hell,” Jake dropped his head closer to me, “Can you imagine what he’s hiding behind the uniform?”
I lifted my attention from my food and found Ethan’s electric blue eyes from across the mess hall. Ethan sent me a wink with a slight head nod.
Jake dropped his fork. “Yup, my john just jerked.”
“Jake!”
“How the hell do you know him like that?” he asked me, but his eyes we’re still on Ethan.
“We’re friends,” I casually said, remembering the day so vividly. Originally, Ethan and I met when he had questioned me in the nurse’s station after Oscar’s attack. He had been the officer to take my statement. Now he was a security guard at Dolor, and the day Ollie slipped away, Ethan had scooped me from the hallway, carried me outside, and held me until I thawed from the mental state I’d been stuck in. His only explanation at the time was he didn’t want anyone seeing me like that—didn’t want them to send me back to the psych ward. Ethan had sat quietly at my side until day turned to night and I had no tears left to cry.
“Friends?”
“Yes, friends. He was the one who convinced me to start a support group.” I glanced from Ethan back to Jake, and Jake’s disbelieving grin didn’t falter. I pointed my fork to his tray. “Whatever, eat your dinner.”
“I’d much rather be eating something else.”
“If it isn’t Jake-the-bollock,” Bria chimed, taking a seat beside me.
“I prefer Jake-the-bull,” Jake smirked, “the raging bull.”
“Oh, you wish,” I laughed.
Bria and Jake exchanged summer adventures as we finished our dinner. Hearing Bria gloating about our program made me smile. Her eyes lit up every time she talked about the plans she made for the upcoming year. If Ollie were here to see this change in her, he would be elated. Of course, I took a little credit myself.
“So, we’re heading to new guy’s dorm to see what he’s all about,” Jake explained, lifting his tray. “You coming, Bria?”
Bria nodded as she finished her juice before tossing it into the nearest trashcan.
As we made our way out of the mess hall, Ethan ushered me over with a small nudge of the head. “I’ll be right there,” I called out to the two of them.
“Jake Tomson, he’s from last year, yeah?” Ethan asked, looking straight ahead with his hands fastened securely to his belt.
I’d known Ethan for seven months now. Over the summer, we’d established an unusual bond no one could know about. He’d become overprotective of me, and at times I believed Ethan used me to replace the relationship he used to have with his sister before she died. Other times, I wasn’t so sure. Ethan was very back and forth, treating me like a child, but also looked at me with pining blue eyes. He was hard to read, and I’d always been fascinated by him and his ways.
Ethan was a challenge—a tough case to crack.
But I was determined to figure him out.
“Jake Tomson is harmless, Ethan.”
Ethan tilted his head down, and for a brief moment, his icy blue eyes met my gaze before turning back to the mess hall before him. “No one is harmless, Jett,” he drew in a deep breath and adjusted his stance, “Don’t be stupid. There’s a bunch of dodgy blokes at this school. I can’t be looking after you at all times.”
“I never asked you to look after me.”
“Fine. You’re on your own tonight then.” His arms crossed over his chest, and my nerves twisted into knots.
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Rolling my eyes, I walked away before picking up into a light jog to catch up with Jake and Bria.
“No running in the halls,” Ethan called out, sarcasm dripping from his tone. A slow smile stretched across my face knowing Ethan turned back to watch me, and I didn’t slow down either because I was still the rebellious badass.
This was our relationship: hitting me with such comments, but his eyes held a different story. Though Ethan never smiled, he was the first one to help me find mine after Ollie left. The rest of last semester I’d spent in a fog, but Ethan pulled me out. If I’d never met Ollie, I could have easily fallen for Ethan, despite the way he treated me like a little sister. But I did meet Ollie, and there would never be anyone else.
“Is this the right door?” Jake asked as I approached them down the second wing.
“Yeah … this … it’s the one,” I panted with my hands over my knees.
Jake looked me over with wide eyes. “Damn, girl. You seriously need to exercise more. You were in great shape when Ollie was here.”
Bria laughed.
I didn’t.
Jake swung an arm over my shoulder. “Come on, lighten up a little bit.”
The door before us swung open, and the three of us immediately straightened our posture. A man over six-feet-tall stood over us, long dark hair just above the shoulders, and drooped earlobes from those big hole earrings, I’d assumed. The guy’s pale skin glowed against his black clothing, and his lips were perfection. Frosty blue eyes sliced through the three of us between his long black lashes. “Can I help you?”
“I … um … ye…” Jake shoved my shoulder for assistance as he fell into a hypnotized state.
“I’m Mia. This is Jake and Bria. We just wanted to welcome you to Dolor.” Being new at this whole introducing thing, I tried to remember how Jake and Alicia did this when they appeared at my door on the first day. “Want to be a part of our pity-party?”
The dark-haired guy raised his brow. “Pity party?”
“Well, no. That was a joke. You see, when I first arriv—
Bria dug her heel into my foot to silence me. “What she means to say is, if you’re ever looking for a good time, let us know.”
“Ah, a good time? What makes you think I’m down?”
Bria rocked on her heels and ran her finger across her lip. She had this in the bag. “I guess there’s only way to find out. Friday. Meet us after breakfast.”
He leaned over and planted his palm over the dorm frame. “In the morning?”
“I-it-it’s kind of an all-day event,” Bria stammered.
Great, she was buckling. I had Jake to my right who was still in shock and drooling, and Bria who forgot how to use her voice box.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
The dark-haired guy’s pale blue eyes slid to me in the middle. “Jude.”
“See you on Friday, Jude,” I grabbed both helpless humans from beside me and dragged them away from his door. “You two need to get a grip,” I whispered when we got at least ten feet awa
y. I turned back around to find Jude’s head hanging out of the door frame, and his lip turned up in the corner.
“Easy for you to say, you only have eyes for the one bloke who isn’t here,” Bria finally spoke after coming back from her Jude-induced coma. “Ollie’s not coming back, Mia. It’s been seven months. Time to have some fun.”
“You mean to tell me Mia hasn’t … in seven months?” Jake’s expression utterly shocked.
“Bria either,” I countered with my eyes shooting daggers at her.
“I have a good reason. I’m still adjusting,” Bria said defensively. Instantly, guilt washed over me for mentioning it. Bria was still recovering from what happened New Years, but I became proud of all she had accomplished since then. “Although, Jude is just what I needed to push me into full recovery.”
Turning the corner, I’m face to face with another wall of books rising to the ceiling. Colors of their bindings blur together along with my vision as I spin in circles, looking for a way out. There is no way out. Running through the maze, my heart pounds inside my ears and it hurts to breathe. The moment I stop running is the moment I give up. I know this, and I keep running.
“Ollie, I can’t find you!” I cry out, my head turning in all directions. All I see are books, dozens of them closing in on me. “Call out to me!”
The books laugh back at me, taunting whispers flow through their pages. Their words wrap around my windpipe. Each aisle I run through inch smaller and smaller, shelves cave in, and before I know it, I have to squeeze through the aisles.
My legs give out and my body collapses to the ground. I drop my head into my hands as my senses overpower with defeat.
“Wake up!”
My eyes flew open to see someone leaning over my bed with a hand over my shoulder. “Ollie?”
His jaw clenched. “Ethan.”
“Ethan…” I echoed through a sigh, blinking rapidly. Sweat built up between me and the sheet and my hair stuck to my face. I kicked the top sheet off me. The room was dark, but I managed to make out Ethan’s silhouette as he took a seat beside me on the edge of the mattress. He wiped a cold towel over my face like he did every other time in the middle of the night. “You said you wouldn’t come anymore.”
Ethan stayed silent, gathering my hair in his hand and pulling it off my neck. The cold towel at my nape soothed the fever of my night terror.
“Ignoring your screams is torture,” he mumbled.
The night terrors had come every night since Ollie left, and I could rarely recall what my nightmares were about, but for seven months, Ethan had been the one to pull me from them.
My breathing steadied, and I rolled over and looked up at Ethan as he moved the towel across my neck and over my collarbone. He never touched me with his bare hands, only the cool hand towel he always had prepared.
And every night I needed it.
But tonight, I needed more.
Slowly, my fingers inched to his over the wet towel. My mind raced, and I didn’t know what I was doing, but my body starved for any source of physical comfort. Ollie was gone, and I was desperate. My irrational thoughts spun, thinking Ethan’s hands could heal me from the loss. Or perhaps I just needed someone to hold me because when my eyes closed, the ache surfaced. Ollie wasn’t here to take it away, but Ethan was.
Ethan didn’t move. He froze, seeing what would come of it. His eyes stayed on mine as I pulled his hand to my face. I closed my eyes against his warm skin. It was nothing like Ollie’s hand, but comforting in its own way. Releasing an exhale, I held his hand there, waiting.
Ethan rubbed his thumb against my cheek and let out a small breath of his own. When I opened my eyes, I found him again. “Please, don’t leave me,” I choked out. “Stay with me for just a little bit. Until I fall back asleep?”
Ethan’s mouth set in a hard line as he pushed more strands away from my face, but his eyes never wavered from mine. “Don’t put me in that position.”
He removed his hand and turned his eyes away.
Then he stood and adjusted his belt. I used to fear the jingle of those keys, but Ethan’s presence had replaced that fear. I no longer flinched at the sound. Now, I begged to hear it.
Ethan turned back around to face me, and his eyes wandered up and down my sweaty body until they landed on my face. “I’ll see you in the morning, Jett.”
He’d never call me by my first name, and I never understood it. Rolling back over in the bed, each of his footfalls gripped my already broken heart before the door clicked closed behind him.
Chapter Two
“You’re desperate, I know, but
his touch is never going to fix it.
You’re empty, I know, but
he can never fill the place I once did.
I warned you, my love, but
you’re stubborn and never listen.”
—Oliver Masters
mia
“I HAVE TO SAY, Mia, I’m very impressed with how far you’ve come over the summer compared to where you were last semester,” Dr. Conway said as we sat in her office. “Do you have any goals for this year?”
One more week until school started, and between the support group I conducted once a week and my night terrors, there was still plenty of time for my mind to stray to Ollie. No matter how busy I tried to keep myself, he was everywhere.
“Goals,” I laughed lightly from the leather couch, “There’s a word I would never have attached to my name before.”
Dr. Conway’s face sank under her 80’s bangs. “Stop with all this self-deprecating…” she mumbled before turning in her chair and raised to her feet. My eyes followed her as she walked toward a small side table on the opposite side of the room and pulled out a drawer. “Ah-hah.” She held a green velvet notebook in the air, waving it around as if it were the winning lotto ticket.
“What’s that?”
“This, my dear, is your first assignment for the new school year,” she handed me the notebook, “I want you to start writing in a journal. It will be therapeutic.”
I groaned and fell back into the couch. “Why do all your assignments include reading and writing?”
“Because it stimulates the brain.”
“My brain isn’t the muscle that needs stimulating.”
Dr. Conway shot her palms over her ears. “No, you didn’t say that. I didn’t hear it.”
I laughed, and she re-took her seat in her swivel chair, recovering from my comment. “Have you thought about what you want to do once you leave here? Will you continue school?”
“Haven’t given it much thought.”
Ollie and I had made plans. We’d talked about his dreams of publishing his poetry, traveling across the world, and giving back to those who went without. We’d talked about my dreams of watching him fulfill his because truth be told, Ollie had been my dream all along. That was until he took it all away from me. Though he was gone now, my plans of running away with Ollie were still in motion. One more year left at Dolor, and I would find him and remind him of what we had.
“I want you to start thinking about it. You have your whole life in front of you, Mia. By the second semester, I can help you apply for colleges in the states.”
“Thanks.” I ran my hand over the front of the fuzzy journal. The shade changed as my fingers swiped down, then lightened as they swiped back up. I did appreciate Conway’s offer, but I didn’t want to go back to Pennsylvania. There was nothing left for me there.
The UK became my home.
Ollie was my home.
On my way back to my dorm, footsteps sounded behind me. Each time I paused and turned around, the noise stopped. After waiting a moment, I continued again. The footfalls started shortly after, growing louder and closer together with each step I took. My feet picked up the pace and I snapped my head behind me right before I turned the corner when I slamme
d into what felt like a brick wall.
My notebook fell to the floor, and strong hands grabbed my elbows to keep me steady. “Whoa, darling,” a low voice said.
Glancing up, Jude peered down at me with pale blue eyes and my arms in his secured hold. My muscles tensed. “Sorry, I thought I….” My head whipped around to see nothing behind me, and I shook my head. “I don’t know. I thought I heard someone behind me.”
Jude released me and took a step back.
“What are you doing on my wing anyway?” I asked, crouching down to pick up the notebook. “You’re in second wing,”
Jude shook his black hair from his face and lifted a shoulder. “I got lost.”
An awkward silence loomed over us as Jude’s eyes kept me pinned in place.
“Everything alright over here?” Ethan’s level voice came from behind. He laid a hand over my shoulder. “Jett? Is he bothering you?”
I swallowed. “No, I—
“Just looking for the loo, mate,” Jude interjected.
Ethan withdrew his hand and pointed behind me. “Your loo is that way. Different wing. And I’m not your mate.”
Jude dropped his chin and scurried off around the corner.
I turned to face Ethan. “You didn’t have to be so rude, you know. I ran into him.”
Ethan’s gaze followed Jude, watching intently. “He had no business being down here.”
“He was lost, Ethan.”
Ethan’s eyes shifted from Jude’s back to me. “Don’t call me Ethan.”
“Okay, Officer Scott,” I blew out air, “I’m starting to think you should be a patient here instead of an employee.”
Ethan pinched his brows together and his eyes bounced between mine. Without giving him a chance to reply, I turned and walked away.
Over the summer, Ethan and I spent many nights together, talking until the sun came up. Our conversations typically consisted of differences between the states and the UK, television shows, and music. I’d learned Ethan was only a few years older than me, but he hardly talked about himself. He mentioned he had to complete a year here to advance in his career. Out of all the institutions, he was stuck with Dolor.
Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Page 2