But the sad part was, if it came down to Ethan and Ollie, I’d choose Ollie. Ethan understood this, too, yet he still held on, taking the time we both had until Ollie came back around, allowing me to use him in ways I needed. Perhaps Ethan used me too.
We killed each other’s loneliness.
“There was a suicide in a dorm room in second wing,” Ethan said dryly. “Lynch wanted to make sure we had a headcount and clear the area for police presence.”
I flipped around to face him, and he moved the stubborn hair from my face. “Did you see?”
Ethan nodded. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore, alright?” It was my turn to nod, and Ethan turned his eyes away and looked to the ceiling, his brain working overtime.
Ethan’s seen enough death. He should be numb to it all, but it still seemed to rupture him every time. Ethan turned back to face me, lips pressed together, world shaken up. “I need tonight,” he whispered.
I’d never seen him like this, and I’d wondered if he was close to the person who took their own life. “What do you need from me?”
“I need nothing from you, Jett. I just need you.”
“Okay.”
We laid there in silence as he dug his face into the groove of my neck, every part of him on the edge of breaking but refusing to. I should have told him it was better just to let go—to cry because your heart can only be forgiving for so long.
Though this was Ethan we were talking about.
Ethan had a soul of stone and the heart of a grim reaper.
His fingers laced in mine as he pinned my back to his chest, squeezing his broken away.
Dr. Conway entered my second class of the day. Tyler sat beside me with her brow in the air as whispers bounced through the small classroom.
“Today is going to be a little different,” Ms. Chandler announced, sending a nod in confirmation to Dr. Conway. “Everyone here is familiar with Dr. Conway, and today she’s going to talk about bullying and suicide help and prevention.”
Tyler turned to face me and whispered, “Every time someone commits suicide, they have to make it a big deal as if it were a contagious disease.”
I shook my head and gave her the keep-your-thoughts-to-yourself eyes.
Dr. Conway cleared her throat, and Tyler and I snapped our heads forward.
“It’s the people you would never expect, Tyler. Something that shouldn’t be taken lightly,” Dr. Conway stated before returning her attention to the rest of the class. Tyler’s blonde hair fell around her shoulders as her eyes found the surface of her desk.
Dr. Conway went on to talk about what had happened the night before. Not in detail, of course, but how Haden was a confident young man with many friends. He had never been bullied, but the one to bully others. Internal struggle was invisible, and sometimes the easiest way to counteract the silent pain was to try and beat it into someone else. You would’ve never known what he had planned to do, and those are the types of people who are the most danger to themselves because there is no cry for help. But she still listed signs to look out for and how to go about reporting suspicious behavior.
Then there were people like Livy.
“Who’s Livy?” Tyler asked in a hushed tone.
I pointed back to Dr. Conway, advising her to listen as I remembered the night Alicia told me the tale of Livy and Tommy last year.
Livy had walked through the doors of Dolor broken and confused, much like myself. Then found herself again through Thomas, like the way I did through Ollie.
Livy had been in love.
Livy had been happy.
Livy had planned on making it out of Dolor alive.
Except she didn’t.
Livy and Tommy fell victim to the curse of Dolor.
“Livy took her life after months and months of being strong against people like Haden. Ironic how both were struggling with demons of their own, and if we only opened our eyes and hearts to one another, if only we listened, they would both still be here,” Dr. Conway explained.
What Dr. Conway failed to mention was Livy had been gang-raped, which would be enough for some. She still held on until she became pregnant, then later lost her only source of continuance when Tommy had been taken to jail after he killed one of the rapists. Losing Tommy was her breaking point. Livy had been later found in her dorm room, hanging from the ceiling.
After she had stepped off the chair, I wondered what had gone through her head—If she’d regretted it. If flashes of the rapist and people who taunted her had entered her wounded mind. If she’d thought about Tommy, and what her decision would do to him.
Over a year had passed since Tommy’s vengeance and Livy’s death, but students still talked about them in whispers as if they were a myth or a spell you could cast onto another.
“We will hold a vigil tonight after dinner for Haden and Livy,” Ms. Chandler finished up as Dr. Conway gathered her materials. “It is not mandatory, but we expect your respect at the very least.”
After dinner, Tyler, Bria, and I walked side by side across the lawn toward the dimly lit lights in the center. The burnt orange sky bled across the starry canvas as night fell. Jude stood beside Liam, while Jake kept a distance on the other side of the circle—eyes wandering back and forth from the center to Liam.
Maddie giggled behind me as she walked up with Ollie by her side.
“That’s annoying,” Bria whispered beside me.
I shrugged and allowed the quietness to take over the moment.
A few students said words about Haden. No one said anything about Livy. No one knew Livy. My sights landed on Ethan, who stood off in the distance—caught in a daze and lost in another place, another time. His face was a mask, shielding his thoughts, saying nothing though his fingers wrapped around his belt, knuckles turning white.
“I’ll be right back,” I said quietly to the girls.
I slipped out of the circle unnoticed and stood beside Ethan. His attention remained forward, and we both looked down at the circle from the top of the hill. Grabbing his hand from his belt, I pulled our linked hands behind him, and he let out a long breath and closed his eyes.
We stood like that for the rest of the vigil—his lips parted, his breathing uneven, and my comfort hidden from the rest of the world. But it was what he needed.
The wind blew, flickering the candles the staff were holding.
Words were done being spoken, but the sudden quiet was the loudest. Ollie looked up with narrowed eyes and a pained expression at the two of us.
Then the clouds parted, and rain broke out.
The circle scattered as students ran up the hill toward the school, but Ethan and I were frozen in place, his hand squeezing mine from behind him, unwilling to let go.
“Let’s get on with headcount,” another security guard said as he approached, eyeing Ethan’s demeanor.
Ethan released my hand and returned his eyes to the security guard, speaking up for the first time within the last twenty minutes. “I’m right behind you, Jerry.”
Jerry gave me a nod under the falling sky before leaving as the rest of the students blew past us in a frenzy.
Ethan turned to look at me.
“You don’t have to say anything, I know,” I said. It was hard for him to admit when he needed someone, let alone say thank you. But with me, he never had to.
Ethan’s eyes twitched away toward where the circle used to stand and back to me, “You have five minutes before you’re back in your dorm room.” My gaze landed where Ethan’s gaze just left to see Ollie standing at the bottom of the hill with his back to us. “Five minutes, Jett.”
It had been over a month now since Ollie and I had spoken, not counting our time in the shower because we hardly uttered two words.
I walked toward Ollie. He’d stripped off his hoodie and was down to his white tee which was soaked
and clinging to his wet skin. His bird tattoos were visible as they crawled up his back from his side, and he hung his head as I approached. “Are you fucking him?” his tone clipped and his focus off in the distance.
“No,” I immediately said and took a step out in front of him.
He lifted his passive gaze to me and tilted his head as he clutched his hoodie in his fist. “Are you lying to me?”
“No.”
He let out an exhale and blinked raindrops away. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know … No … I don’t think I am.”
Ollie looked away and shook his head as a clap of thunder broke the silence. “I hate this,” he stated, undisturbed by the weather around us. “Dammit, Mia … I fucked up bad. I did so—
Silencing him, I grabbed his wrist. “Please, I don’t want to know.”
“I miss you,” he said harshly. “I miss you so fucking much it hurts.” His brows snapped together as he clenched his fist tighter. “Do you remember how we felt? Are you hurting from constantly thinking about me the way I am about you, or do you have someone else to ease it? Do I ever fucking cross your mind at all? Because I can’t help but think I’m going through this alone.”
I blinked the rain from my lashes as I looked at him wordlessly.
“Fucking answer me!” Ollie demanded, causing me to wince. “Or do you enjoy torturing me?”
“You have no idea what I’ve been going through.”
I turned to walk away when Ollie snatched my wrist and jerked in front of me.
“You have my blessing, Mia. You’re set free, no point in waiting around for me anymore. Turns out, I’m just like my brother. I’ll never be the person you once knew. That bloke you fancied so much, he’s fucking gone.”
His green eyes held a void I badly wanted to fill again. It wasn’t my Ollie staring back at me. This side of darkness knew him well. So damn well, his demons were rejoicing to have him back and if I didn’t stop now, his darkness would swallow me too.
Chapter Ten
“Do not fear the hurt in their eyes.
Instead, fear when hurt fades to hollow.
For the difference between
the two is the heart.”
—Oliver Masters
mia.
“I’M SO OVER THIS WEEK,” Bria whined. “Where’s Tyler?”
A full week had passed since the vigil, and I looked around to see both Tyler and Jude missing from the mess hall. Immediately, my thoughts went to Tyler and her safety. “I don’t know,”—I stood up from my chair— “I’ll be right back. I’m going to check her room.”
Bria nodded as Jake commented on a girl all over Liam at another table. As far as I knew, Bria didn’t know about Jake and Liam’s relationship. But that didn’t stop Jake’s inability to control his mouth. Bria’s thoughts were somewhere else and didn’t see much into it, anyway.
I walked through third wing and approached Tyler’s door. Soft cries sounded, and my heart jumped into my throat as I pushed the door open.
My eyes landed on Jude’s bare ass as he thrust into Tyler from behind. “Oh-my-god,” I mumbled as I immediately closed the door. With wide eyes and frozen feet, I stood on the other side of the door, trying to piece together and shut out the image I just witnessed. My hand still glued to the doorknob, Jude swung the door open from the other side and brushed past me.
“Mia, I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to see that,” Tyler said out of breath. I turned to face her through the opened door as she slipped a shirt over her head and shoved her legs through pajama pants. “Please, you can’t tell Bria. She’ll kill me.”
Her blonde hair was in as much as a wreck as this situation she put me in. “Why can’t I tell Bria?”
“Because … ” she huffed. “They’re like a thing now.”
“Tyler! Why would you do that to her?”
“I like him, and I haven’t found anyone I’ve liked enough since the … you know … since I was forced. I’m done putting myself on the back burner and letting people walk all over me!”
“I can’t deal with this right now,” I rubbed my temples, “I came to check on you to make sure you were okay. I don’t trust that guy, Ty. You shouldn’t either.”
“He’s good, Mia. You have him all wrong. If you would just get to know him.”
“No, I’m not wrong about this.” How do I tell her that I think it’s him playing harmful pranks on me? Who put glass in my mattress and into my back?
Her blank stare stuck on me. “Say you won’t say anything. At least let me figure this out first. Then, I’ll tell her myself.”
“Fine.” I threw my hands up in the air. “It’s your funeral.”
Unable to face anyone, I decided not to go back to the mess hall and retreated to my dorm instead, spilling my secrets into my only trusted friend—my journal.
Our weekly meeting of Woman Against Sexual Assault was awkward that evening. Tyler, Bria, two new girls, and I sat spaced out on the floor. The new girls helped deflect the big fat elephant in the room—the elephant being Tyler and Bria sitting across from one another and sleeping with the same guy.
My loyalties laid out before me. I glanced over at Bria, her listening intently to the small mouse-like teen with a voice to match, nodding in moments when she was supposed to, completely unaware of what was happening behind her back.
Then there’s Tyler turned blonde-bombshell playboy model after losing a quick ten pounds in a month, gaze sailing back and forth between Bria and me with guilt hovering over her like a raincloud. I nudged my eyes over to Bria, instigating this was the safest place to spill her confession, but she only shook her head with wide eyes.
“ … and now here I am. I know it was so long ago, and I should be over it by now … ” the new girl continued.
Bria interjected, hushing her. “No, that stuff stays with you forever. The important thing is you’re here now.” Bria crawled across the floor and offered the girl a hug.
“What about you? Can I hear your story?” the girl asked.
Bria glanced over at me before settling into a spot beside her. “My story isn’t even mine; it’s Mia’s.” Bria held her hand over her heart. “The wanker who raped me only did it because another bloke wanted to get to her. I was never the objective … only an opportunity for distraction.”
“Thank you, Bria,” I clipped out, not wanting to hear that night all over again. Bria shot me a small smile to comfort me, but I didn’t need comforting. What I needed was Tyler’s confession to be out in the open because I didn’t know how long I could hold on to this one for.
After our session, the girls branched off as Bria and I fell into step back to our wing. My mouth ran without admission, trying to keep the subject away from all things Jude and Tyler, only to talk about safe matters such as being sick of the cafeteria food and craving a taco and a mocha iced coffee when Bria stopped me in my tracks, placing a hand on my arm before we turned a corner. Her black bob grazed her shoulders as she turned her head around to make sure we were alone. “Want to know a secret?”
No. Fuck no. Absolutely not. No. Uh-uh.
“Sure,” I said, my voice vacant and my teeth grinding.
Bria’s lips quirked. “Jerry got me some … ” she pinched her forefinger and thumb together and brought it to her mouth, imitating a blunt.
My eyes bulged. “Jerry, the security guard?”
Bria nodded excitedly, hooking her arm into mine and ushered me forward around the corner. “I’ll let you join me in the woods tomorrow, but only you.” She faced forward but my eyes stayed on her, trusting she wouldn’t lead me into a cement wall.
“How did you get Jerry to get you something like that?”
She shrugged as we stopped in front of her door, “I caught him banging one of the doctors while everyone was at dinner. A small threat can go a
long way.” A snort blew out before my head fell back into a silent cackle. “Mia!” Bria nudged me with her shoulder. “You can’t say anything. Got it?”
“Okay … okay. I got it.” I quickly recovered, but my smile still lingered.
The next morning, I woke with Ethan snoring lightly beside me. I jerked my head out the window to see the sun shining blatantly through, meaning it was past seven. Frantically, I shook him until his eyes sprang open.
“Fuck,” he jumped to his feet, looking around blindly for his clothes scattered across the floor, “bloody hell, Jett.” Black boxers clung around his waist and thighs. Bare-chested and beautiful, I couldn’t help but admire the way his muscles moved under his untouched-by-ink skin. My gaze drifted across his chest, down his abdomen, to the morning wood stretching in his boxers. “Jett!”
I hadn’t noticed he stopped his movements to watch me ogle at him, and Ethan did nothing to hide his huge morning surprise as it stared right back at me. No, instead, he planted two hands over his hipbones and leaned forward. “Jett … ” he said slowly.
I snapped my eyes back to his face. “Wh-wh-why were you naked?”
“Oh, grow up.” Ethan shook his head. “This isn’t naked, and I had to get comfortable.” He pulled a white tee over his head, and the hem draped over his boner like it was no big deal. “I can’t sleep with clothes on.”
To distract myself, I leaned over the edge of the mattress and snatched up his pants before throwing it at him and covering my eyes. “Put that away. You’re going to hurt someone with that thing.”
Ethan forced back a laugh, but a smirk did push through his features, and it was a rare moment that should be documented. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“I think we just passed a boundary in our friendship.”
“That boundary was pushed the moment you dropped your towel in the bathroom.” One by one, he pushed his legs through his pants. “And the second you invited me into your bed.” After securing his pants, he scooped up his uniform shirt and stood over me. His hand came over the top of my head and he ruffled my hair like a child. “Don’t worry. I don’t come in second for no one. It can never go where you’re thinking.”
Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Page 11