“Never crossed my mind.” Until now, thanks to him.
“Good.”
“Good.”
“See ya later, Jett,” Ethan finally said with a thick voice full of something I couldn’t put my finger on, and he slipped out the door without a trace.
I fell back against the mattress with anxious thoughts of where this was heading. Ethan said it could never go down that path, but now that path was coursing through my mind. Ethan was easy. He was secure. He was everything Ollie wasn’t right now. Ethan would be the right decision if I had a choice to decide at all.
But I didn’t have a choice. Ollie took that away the moment he stepped into my life.
Instead of joining Bria in the woods, I opted for Movie Day in the recreation room, a place I hardly visited. I stood by the entryway, door ajar, and scanned for a familiar face in unfamiliar territory. The lights were out, and all eyes faced the 1990’s television resting on a rolling cart like back in high school. Beanbag chairs sprawled out in front of the room, and an oversized couch sat in the back. Many brought their pillows and blankets from their dorm rooms, and silent whispers and giggles played out under the subtle sounds of the crackling TV.
A security guard sat under the covered window with his feet kicked up and his hands stuffed into a chip bag, indulged in whatever was playing.
“Mia,” a voice whispered, and my eyes filtered through the room when a small hand waved into the air. Tyler. A breath of relief spilled out of me as I made my way toward her near the back with Gwen curled next to her.
Tyler moved from the corner of the couch, and I slid beside her as Gwen greeted me. “What are we watching?” I asked.
“Two words: Dylan O’Brien,” Gwen said through a sigh and a hand over her heart.
“Dylan?”
Gwen pointed in front of her just as a boy ran across the screen through two walls closing in on him.
“Ahh, gotcha.”
“Crushing on blokes you know you can’t have is so much easier than the real deal. They can’t hurt you,” she added casually with a shrug.
Tyler snorted a laugh. “They also can’t please you.”
“Eh, I always do a better job myself anyway,” Gwen confessed before pursing her lips with an added head jerk. Tyler threw her head back, unable to fight her laughter when two kids sitting on a bean bag in front of us snapped their heads around, hushing us. Gwen flipped them off and turned back to face me. “Speaking of getting hurt, how are you holding up?”
I curled into the couch and drifted my gaze back to the TV, buying time and wondering which incident she was talking about. Did she somehow know about the glass incident? My father? “What do you mean?”
“The whole Maddie and Ollie thing. Figured it’d crush you, no? Unless of course, you have someone else now.”
“I’m fine. A kiss doesn’t bother me.” Except that it did, but showing an inkling amount of weakness to anyone in this place puts a target on your back, and I already had enough people gunning for me. Still, you couldn’t show tears. You couldn’t show emotion. If people found out your weaknesses, your secrets, they have weapons to use against you. And Ollie is the one weapon that could destroy me.
Gwen shook her head, her large breasts peeking from her low-cut shirt moving like Jell-O. “I’m not talking about the kiss. I’m talking about Ollie banging her.” My heart plummeted to my stomach. My eyes slid to hers, and I had no control over my expression. “And if I have to hear one more time how he plays with her fanny like a bloody guitar, I swear I’m goi—
“Gwen!” Tyler screeched, head dipping away from Gwen and shoving her in the shoulder. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Wordlessly, I’d managed to get back to my feet, and the rest of Tyler’s words blurred behind me as I made my way to the door.
After everything I’d been through over the last month, nothing hurt worse than finding out Ollie wasted no time sticking his dick into someone else. Not just anyone else, but Maddie of all people. Even with him keeping his distance, he still had the power to burn me. But this wasn’t the same burn we embraced before. This burn hurt like hell.
Each foot felt heavy as if tied down by cinder blocks as I trudged through the halls in hopes of coming in contact with him. The burn in my heart raced up my chest to my neck and behind my eyes. My head throbbed from holding in the rage and tears wanting to let go. I didn’t have a plan, or what I would say, all I knew was I had to see him to confront him. Had he stooped so low, only to ruin our future entirely?
When I reached my wing, another origami rose waiting outside my door only fueled my fury toward him. Swiping up the reminder he had left me, I marched toward his door and pounded until the door opened and Ollie stood on the other side with wide eyes and disheveled hair.
“Mia?”
The burn spread to all my senses—behind my eyes, in my nose, to the back of my throat, and ultimately ringing in my ears. I slapped the rose against his bare tattooed chest with a shaking hand and kept my eyes locked on his as it fell to the floor. “You bastard,” I’d managed to say, and I wanted to hurt him and have him feel the same agony that brewed inside me.
“You know.” Those two words came out as a statement instead of a question, and he hung his head in defeat.
“It’s just me now. There is no you and I anymore. You and I were done the moment you quit fighting for us,” each word stained by a love I once knew, but seeped out with every ounce of strength I managed to gather.
Call me a hypocrite. Call me selfish. Go on and hate me.
The thing was, Ollie had known what I’d needed to get me to this place. He’d, somehow, known the very thing I’d needed to break down my walls was by him pushing and pushing me and never letting go.
And I knew exactly what Ollie needed this very moment.
The only way to get Ollie back was to give him the girl without emotion. The girl without feelings. The fucking sociopath—the girl he fought so hard for once upon a time.
“I didn’t mean those words at the vigil! I never stopped fighting!” Ollie’s voice grew louder, “Listen, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, but I’m fighting. Every day is a constant battle, but I’ve never given up. Despite everything I said, I’m not giving up … ”
Through Ollie’s plea, I managed to close my eyes and turn off the lights. It’s only temporary, I kept reminding myself. Only for a little while.
I mentally counted until the burn subsided and my heart maintained a steady rhythm.
Then I opened my eyes.
Ollie’s words ran together before they came to a complete stop.
He looked at me.
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down at our feet. “Pick it up.”
“Mia?” Ollie’s chest heaved and he snapped his brows together.
“The rose,” I kicked the paper at our feet, “pick up the rose.”
Ollie hesitantly bent down and scooped up the rose before returning his eyes to me. His expression remained confused as he tried to read me. But I’d turned unreachable. Hollow. I’d figured it out, and he could no longer hurt me with my mask on.
I had done this for him. It was the only way to get through to him.
“Now tear it up.”
“No,” he whispered. “Don’t do this.”
“Tear it up, Ollie!” I screamed, and Ollie slammed his eyes shut. My tone dripped with anger and my body shook in its wake, but I kept the lights off in my eyes. I had to keep them off. Slowly, Ollie tore the rose up as each piece floated to our feet. Once the last piece landed on my boot, I snapped my eyes back to him. “Now, say you’re sorry.”
“Mia, please. You’re not making any sense.” He reached out to me, but I took a step back.
“You love the word so much, what’s the hold up now?”
He dropped his arms to the side. “I’m sorry
!”
“Not to me, to the rose.”
Ollie dropped his chin and stretched his arms out to the side. “I’m fucking sorry,” he looked back up at me, “Better?”
I looked down; the rose still in pieces at our feet. With my foot, I kicked the pieces around. “Nope still broken. Looks like ‘sorry’ didn’t do shit. That’s me,”—I pointed to the pieces— “that’s my fucking heart, and your apology isn’t going to mend or heal your mistakes anymore. Your ‘sorry’ doesn’t piece back what you’ve broken. And this time, it was us you broke. For good.”
The realization hit him, and he dug both palms into his eyes as he took a step back. “Mia, you’re wrong about this. You’re so wrong … you don’t understand,” he fell to his knees, “I can fix this. I can fix us … we’re going to get through because we’re supposed to be together … ” Ollie continued to mumble through tears as he picked up the pieces at my feet. “I couldn’t go through with it. Nothing would let me … I’m going to make this right.”
I took a step back, and I finally had Ollie right where I wanted him—crawling on his knees, begging. His long fingers gripped my thighs, refusing to allow me to move as he dug his face between my legs, continuing to mumble incoherent promises and apologies.
“Stay in hell, Ollie.” I jerked back, causing him to land on his palms. “You’re nothing to me.”
Power. Love was power. But by being dominated by love can bring out the best and the worst in people, a back and forth game of tag to make sure you’re not the one left powerless. You can mark that as my worst moment—purposely hurting the only person I ever loved just to prove a point. Yes, I wanted to hurt him, but only to bring him back.
This had to work.
With one foot in front of the other, I blinked my lights back on successfully.
Ollie called out my name. The burn returned and the tears finally fell from the corner of my eyes.
Come back to me, Ollie.
Chapter Eleven
“Even cold-hearted beasts
have a warm touch.”
—Oliver Masters
Ollie.
“WHY THE FUCK did I tear this up to begin with?” I mumbled to myself … to Zeke … to the heavens above … to whoever would bloody listen. I kneeled on the floor over the edge of the mattress, sprawling the pieces out in front of me. The small and flimsy pieces slipped through my fingers as Mia had.
My brain, heart, and body are—for the hundredth bloody time—fighting against each other, yet she was the one slipping now.
I had to fix this. I needed to fix this.
I can’t have her lose her fucking grip herself.
“I gotta fix this, mate. I have to,” I said, and Zeke tossed a tube of glue over the mattress before me. Glue? I jerked my head in his direction, snatching the glue and holding it up between us. Controlling my breathing, I pushed my anger to the side knowing he’s only trying to help. “Where did you get this?”
Zeke shrugged and signed some words.
“I didn’t know there was a craft room here.” Turning back to face the broken pieces, I tried gluing two small bits back together. Impatient for perfection, and only wanting to see it sitting together before me once more, I pressed them together between my thumb and my forefinger, only to have them split into two soggy pieces and tearing upon pulling my fingers apart. “Bloody hell,” I scoffed, swiping an arm across the mattress, shoving the scattered paper in all directions. I fell backward onto the floor and dropped my head in my hands. “She’s right, mate. I don’t think I can fix it this time.”
A warm hand landed over my shoulder, and Zeke shook me. Glancing up, I met eyes with him as he signed, You’re Mia and Ollie. Never broken, only bent.
I tapped the side of my head. “I’m not right in the head. I’m fucked up. I can’t think straight, and I sure as hell can’t trust myself anymore. I’m only making matters worse for her.” Zeke’s eyes fell before his hand did, giving up on me too. I parted my mouth, choking back words I wanted to say, but couldn’t. They weren’t words intended for Zeke’s ears. They should be spewed in Maddie’s.
Maddie.
Pushing up off the floor, I brushed past Zeke and out the door.
Love and hate existed on the same thin line. Love is dangerous. Hate is nasty. But just like love, hate controls you—consumes you. Compels you to do things you would never do sober, and right now, all I wanted to do was banish the blame, beat it into Maddie. My heart screamed to stop, but my body moved forward to no avail, with only one objective.
I dropped a single nod in the security guard’s direction as I headed toward Maddie’s door. Using one knuckle, I knocked and leaned into the door to listen for movement.
“She’s not in there,” a whiney voice broke out.
Jerking around, Gwen came to a stop before me. Spearing a shaken hand through my hair, I lifted my eyes from her chest. “Where is she?” Gwen crossed her arms, only pushing her chest higher as her breasts spilled out of her shirt. My eyes darted down the hall then back to her. “Don’t make me ask you twice.”
“Oh yeah? Or what?” She laughed. I damn near hit her.
A woman.
No fucking control.
Settling for option two, I closed the distance between us and leaned into her ear, spinning my finger around a lock of blonde hair, and pulled—hard. “Do you really want to find out?” I whispered, and Gwen bit her lip, shaking her pretty head. The guard’s eyes fixated on us, waiting for something to go down—waiting for me to lose my shit. “Now I’m not in the fucking mood to play games. Where is she?”
“In the woods,” she uttered. “She’s with Bria.”
Dropping my finger, I took a step back. “Maddie’s with Bria?” Chuckling incredulously, I grabbed her hand and yanked her down the hall. “Prove it.”
Gwen didn’t argue. Once I knew she wouldn’t leave my side, I dropped her hand as we pushed our way through the double doors and outside under the cloud-covered sky. Long strides ahead, we made it halfway down the hill when Gwen stopped and pointed forward into the woods. “See, she’s right there. I’m not going with you.”
I scanned the woods, and turned back to Gwen, looking her up and down. “What don’t I know?”
“Nothing,” she barked, leaning into her hip and folding her arms over her chest, retreating. Cowering. “This is between you two. Leave me out of it.”
She wasn’t worth my time anymore. Brisk autumn air stirred around us, and I couldn’t help but notice Gwen’s nipples harden beneath her shirt as she looked around nervously. My knob pulsed to its own accord, and I wet my dry lips, hungry for a release that could never come because my heart was with Mia.
“Get out of here, Gwen.” I turned back around and continued my walk down the hill. The grass faded to leaves. The forest grew thicker. The day’s light around me dimmed from the branches overhead, darker and darker until I reached the girls.
Maddie had been my mistake, but girls with loose mouths should be punished. If anyone should have told Mia, it should’ve been me, and I had planned to tell her as soon as I deserved her again. Maddie stripped me of that option.
“Coming back for seconds?” Maddie chimed, causing past regrets to consume my memory—unwelcomed flashes of my fingers inside her, her toying with herself, me watching. But I didn’t stop my pace, eating away the distance between us like a cancer.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Words flew out of me, and all I saw was blood-red. Bria took a step back with a wicked smirk stretching her face, and Maddie looked almost … scared? Maddie didn’t get scared. “What lies have you told?”
Maddie’s dark eyes darted toward where Bria stood, and I followed her gaze when Bria lifted her arms in the air. Patience completely diminished, I slammed Maddie against the nearest tree and fear sprang in her eyes.
“You’re scaring me
,” she choked out.
I tilted my head and leaned into her. “What’s the matter? You’ve never been scared of me before.” Truth. Maddie never once withered against me.
“I know you, Ollie. I know when to be scared and when not to, and right now you’re fucking pissed, and I don’t know why.”
“What did you say to Mia?”
Her brows snapped together. “Mia?” confusion spilled out from her lips. She doesn’t get to say her name like that. She doesn’t get to say her name at all. “I haven’t talked to that cow.”
I slammed my palm against the tree, purposely avoiding her head, trying to control the demons inside before they became a permanent fixture inside me. I wanted to ruin her. I wanted her to disappear. Worst of all, I wanted to fade away because I couldn’t live a life without Mia in it. I couldn’t fathom it. “Who did you tell?”
“Does it matter?” She pushed me off her and straightened her shirt. “It’s done, Ollie. You two are done, and that’s not even the funny part.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not the one you should be angry with,” Maddie hissed—returning to her normal self. Here she was, the Maddie I’d known well.
At the corner of my eye, Bria took a step forward and laid a hand on my arm. “Come on, let’s go. She’s not worth it.” My nerves reached its limit, officially at capacity. I couldn’t contain it anymore. I didn’t know whether to scream, cry, drive my fist through a tree, or my dick into a pussy. There was only one girl that could make this all go away, and I wasn’t looking at her. “I’ll walk with you back to the building.”
I pulled away from Bria’s grasp and shoved my fists into my pockets. Clenching. Controlling. Containing. “No, I don’t need your fucking pity.” Turning to face Maddie, I fought back the evil wanting to backhand her. “Stay away from Mia, and stay away from me.”
Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Page 12