The biggest lesson that we learned from this was that it’s better to have only a few rules, protocols, and delineated services – and be able to keep track of every one, remember to enforce them, and have the servant work on perfecting their delivery – than to have a whole lot of rules to which both parties can only give a half-assed amount of attention. We also learned that if we’re going to add a rule, protocol, or service that is untested, and might or might not pass the bar of the annoyance factor for me, it’s best to add only one at a time. Once we’ve determined whether it’s going to be permanent or not, we can try another, but until then we just work on one. It keeps frustrations and disappointments to a minimum, on both sides of the relationship.
It’s often best if both parties try hard not to get strongly invested in any new protocol when it’s still in the experimental stage. It might not work out, and that doesn’t mean that either or both of you have failed, or that whoever came up with it was an idiot. If you can both go into the process of adding protocols with an attitude of “It’d be nice if this works, but if it doesn’t it’s no big deal,” it will make things much easier on the self-esteem of both parties, and their faith in the dynamic will not be dented as easily. Remember that this is a custom-fitted relationship, and all custom-fittings take time. There isn’t anyone watching and judging you on how numerous or master-slavey your protocols are – and if there is, tell them to go away and mind their own business!
Optimizing for Priorities
Priorities are the source of many arguments and misunderstandings between masters and servants. It was an “aha!” moment for Joshua when he finally figured out that when he and Raven disagreed on how a job should be done, it was because they were optimizing for different priorities. One of the triggers for that moment was when Joshua asked Raven why he carried the laundry out the front door and all the way around the house to the line, instead of going out the back door which was much closer. Raven answered, “Because I hate hanging the laundry, and walking through my beautiful herb garden on the way there helps motivate me to do it.” Joshua was optimizing for efficiency; Raven was optimizing for pleasure.
Sometimes the servant is focused on absolute efficiency and the master wants to do it the way that makes them feel the best. Sometimes the master is focused on absolute efficiency and the servant wants to do it the way that makes them feel the most “slavey”. Sometimes one of them is relying on an archetype of “how these things should be done” and the other is looking at what would be more useful for the actual situation. Sometimes both are prioritizing for different sets of equally irrational cultural values or avoidance of psychological triggers.
What’s the answer when this happens? It’s both easy and terribly hard: the master’s priorities win every time. While the master might choose to take the servant’s ideas into consideration, and might even change their minds if they think the ideas are good enough, they are not obligated to do so. The servant is obligated to do things the master’s way, and if they’re a good servant, they should work on not acting too resentful while they’re doing it. A good thought process to focus on during those trying times might be, “I’m serving this person because I believe they’re worthy of it. Their way makes sense from their perspective, given who they are and how their mind works. If I trust that person and that mind, I can do it their way.” Another even simpler one might be “No one is going to die if I do things Master’s way.”
The issue of priorities is one that generally comes up more fully in a slightly later stage of relationship development. This is because of the necessary order of give-and-take required by a deeply and consciously inegalitarian relationship. It’s necessary for the M-type to earn the s-type’s trust first, and that’s the way that it has to be, because they are so vulnerable. The M-type has to prove to the s-type that they really do want complete honesty (and possibly transparency, depending on their negotiated dynamic) and in order to do that, they have to meet every “unacceptable” honest thought the s-type hesitantly communicates to them with calm, non-defensive assurance, no matter what they are actually feeling. This process may take months or years. After it’s done, they can decide if they want to give the s-type the privilege of actually seeing their emotions in the moment, and actually seeing the process by which they decide their priorities.
It is very much an act of great trust for the M-type to pull the curtain aside and fully show their intimate selves, and it’s important that the s-type understands that seeing their process is a privilege that must be earned, just as their own trust was earned. The relationship has to evolve to a certain maturity first, and the s-type has to prove that they are going to meet the unveiling of this process with the kind of forbearance that the M-type showed for their honesty. If the M-type’s priorities are occasionally unflattering in situations with difficult choices, they will be depending on the s-type’s discretion. If the s-type doesn’t like their priorities, attempts by the s-type to change them is not only inappropriate to their position but probably futile. The servant’s choices are to adapt – which can include asking the M-type to help them find a way to adapt – or decide that they need to find someone whose priorities are a better fit.
For Masters: Integrating the Servant Into the Routine
When we talk about service that isn’t just sexual or fetish, some masters become a bit squirrelly. They don’t want service, they tell me, because they pride themselves on being self-sufficient and they don’t need the slave to do anything for them. Sometimes there’s an underlying feeling of “I don’t want to become dependent on anyone for anything,” which is its own kind of insecurity. Assuming that the power in a relationship belongs to whoever is less invested is a big mistake, as experienced masters and mistresses will tell you. However, sometimes the objection is more pragmatic. “But I like cooking and doing the laundry. Why should I give that away to my slave?” In some cases they tell me, “I’m a better cook (or auto mechanic or whatever) than my slave. Why shouldn’t I be the one to do it?”
The answer is: If you want to be the one to do it, of course you should be the one to do it. If there are certain chores that you love and that you’re good at, by all means do them. However, even the most beloved of chores may have little fiddly parts that you’d rather not bother with, and that can be handled by a slave, thus giving you a more enjoyable experience. You’re a great chef and you like to do the cooking … but do you really want to chop every little piece of garlic yourself, grease pans, whip interminable amounts of egg white, or stop in the middle to wash up that big bowl? You like to do the laundry … but do you like running downstairs halfway through the cycle to put in the softener? You want to vacuum the carpets yourself … but do you want to have your flow impeded by stopping to move the furniture around? You want to do the taxes yourself … but do you want to waste your time calling up those credit card accounts to figure out what sort of forgotten purchases were made? You want to change the oil in the car … but do you want to haul yourself out from underneath halfway through because you forgot the right wrench?
There are useful ways to integrate a servant into your routine, ways to ensure that you work together as a team and not at cross-purposes. First, go through your usual tasks with extra mindfulness. Take note of every time you sigh in frustration because some small boring part of the process isn’t as fun as the rest of it, or when it would go faster if you had two sets of hands. If you have a good servant, you have that. Use them for the bits that you wish could just happen “automagically”, if they can be trained to do them properly (and often those bits aren’t the parts that require great skill, just attention, conscientiousness, and the willingness to do boring, repetitive labor).
Second, visualize adapting the slave to fit in with the routine. Do they have the requisite skill and patience already, or would they require extensive training? Should you order them to come into the process partway through, or should they be observing and jump in at a pre-arranged “cue”? Would their contr
ibution be time-sensitive? How will they adapt to that? It’s useful to walk through it in your head before walking them through it, because it means less dithering during the actual training.
There’s another good reason that you should integrate them into the work process: it will give them a close-up, hands-on experience of how you like things done. Many servants are very set in their ways when it comes to how certain tasks – especially household ones – should be done. They may have trouble getting over their ideas in favor of yours. (“But Mistress, it’s so much more efficient if you do it this way!”) This is an error on their part; it’s not their job to change your process or find a better one. It’s their job to learn to do things the way that you want them done.
Third, begin to slowly integrate them into the process. There can be a good deal of trial and error in this, and the best method is to be patient. If you give them a piece of the process and then later decide that you want it back, it’s all right to change your mind. It’s also all right to keep them hanging around doing very little, just in case you need them for something. You don’t need to feel obligated to find something for them to do right then just because they’re bored. It may be irritating to them, but it’s part of the process that can’t be rushed. A little waiting around in the beginning is worth it for everyone to know what is expected of them. If, after thorough consideration of the situation, you really can’t find any way for them to actually benefit you by their involvement, set the idea aside for now. Maybe at some time in the future an idea might come to you.
If they need training in skills or information in order to help effectively, this doesn’t necessarily need to be hugely time-consuming for you. For example, if you want the servant to be able to get you supplies or equipment while you work, they need to be able to accurately identify those items and locate them reasonably quickly. You can go over the names and locations of the most commonly used items while the servant takes notes (or perhaps photos) to study on their own. Especially if they do not live with you, it can be very effective to assign them skills to practice, or techniques to research and learn on their own. However, some people enjoy taking a very hands-on approach to training, and might make a game out of testing their servant’s new knowledge, incorporating rewards, punishments, or “funishments” based on their performance.
Don’t feel obligated to let them reorganize your tools or modify your process right away. It is common for some servants to approach this sort of work with a stance of, “I can’t possibly help you unless you change to accommodate me.” While this might be true to some extent, it can set up an unhealthy pattern, so you if you have a pushy or opinionated servant you may want to be very conservative in how much input you allow them to have in the process. With some servants, it can be very effective to eventually allow them to reorganize your tools as a reward for them achieving a certain level of competency in assisting, and in this context it reinforces the power dynamic, rather than positioning them as someone who is compensating for your failings.
We are assuming, in this book, that the tasks you will give to your servant are real jobs that actually need doing, and that you have a vested interest in the results being satisfactory. This means that you need to give accurate feedback, and they need to be able to hear the feedback and take it graciously. A good servant sees criticism as useful information that will help them to do a better job. Make it clear that during this process, you will critique their performance, but you’re doing it as a way to get them to where you want them more quickly. Reinforce the idea that feedback shows that you actually care about how they’re doing, and aren’t just settling for the less-than-optimal job which is all you think they’re capable of. Putting it this way can put an entirely different spin on criticism for all but the most insecure servants.
So far we’ve emphasized that you should be teaching them your way rather than asking them for their input. The sole exception to this might be if you asked them to find you a better way to do something, and if that’s the case, they should be designing that better way with you and your satisfaction in mind. In order to do that skillfully, they need to log many hours of watching you work and solve problems; otherwise it will simply be the solution that works for them, not the one that works for you. If they aren’t sure, their best bet is to bring you more than one “formal proposal” and let you decide which one suits you best. If they tend toward bossiness, but you want their input anyway, it can help to make them offer the proposal in a format that you are more comfortable with than they are. This interrupts the habitual “bossy” behavior and gives them the opportunity to develop a more service-oriented way of expressing their suggestions.
In these situations, there is often a great deal of temptation to slant things toward the process that they feel is the most correct, or that makes their job easier or more interesting, rather than the one that will satisfy you the most. The best way to handle this is a continual and consistent policy of positive reinforcement for honesty and negative reinforcement for white lies in the rest of the relationship. This includes the times when their honesty is difficult for you to hear and you must respond calmly and gracefully to it anyway. Be a role model for not using the dynamic to coddle your pride, and point out to them where the standard goes both ways.
For Servants: Minimally Invasive Organizing
In general, this book suggests specific services a person might provide but does not describe in detail how to provide those services. There are no recipes, no tips on natural cleansers, and no advice on making the perfect pot of tea. If a servant is genuinely interested in learning how to be a better cook, housekeeper, handyman, or secretary, they ought to be able to find information on how to do that without someone spoon-feeding it to them. However, we decided that it was important for Joshua to describe his approach to organizing in a fair amount of detail. Not only is it a skill that many people find useful, but it provides an example of how the servant can render a service in accordance with the master’s preferences, while maintaining an attitude appropriate to their role.
Masters who are very organized generally have no trouble instructing the servant in their methods, but the less organized master is often unsure of how to proceed if a servant suggests organizing their space. If the master feels guilty about their own lack of organizational skills, they may allow the servant to change their space in ways that don’t work for them, or they may be reluctant to set firm boundaries about what the servant is and is not permitted to organize. If the servant is the primary person using the space, then it makes sense to let them organize it however they like, but if the master uses the space in any significant way, it is best for the master to insist that the space be organized in a way that suits them.
There are countless sources for advice on organizing a space, but most of them are based on the idea that the person whose space is being organized wants to be part of the organizational effort and is willing to substantially change their routine. They also tend to assume that for household organizing, the person doing the organizing (i.e. “Mom”) has the right to attempt to change the behavior of other members of the household. Joshua’s approach is based on disrupting the master’s routine as little as possible, and organizing in ways that make use of the master’s natural tendencies.
Under no circumstances is it appropriate for a servant to dispose of items the master would have chosen to keep, even if they are certain the master won’t ever miss it. Even if the disposed items are grubby unmatched Tupperware, it is still a huge breach of the trust a master places in a servant who is charged with stewarding the master’s possessions.
This is the basic process for the servant to follow:
1. Observe the way the master uses the space. What items do they use frequently? What items do they use together? What items do they need to be able to access in a hurry? What items do they never use? What items have they bought replacements for because they couldn’t find the ones they already had?
2. Talk to the maste
r about their personal preferences. Do they like certain things to remain in plain sight? Do they like complex storage boxes with lots of little compartments? Do they want storage containers to be decorative? Do they value a highly flexible, adaptable system? Do they like things thoroughly labeled, alphabetized, and color-coded, or does that seem excessively anal-retentive to them? Do they enjoy browsing through a selection of items to find the right item, or do they generally know exactly what item they want? How much money are they willing to spend on organizational supplies? Are they looking for a radical change in the space, or would they be more comfortable with a few small changes to start out?
3. Determine whether the master is interested in getting rid of unused items. If they are, should the items be thrown away, given to charity, sold, or disposed of otherwise? If they are not, then drop the issue without argument or further discussion. If the master expresses reluctance to allow the servant to get rid of anything, the servant should not push the issue. Aside from being inappropriate, obtaining a grudging agreement to purge items will frequently result in a time-consuming and aggravating struggle over every other item selected for disposal, on the grounds that it has sentimental value or that they “might need it one day”. It is far better to simply pack up the unused items and store them in a safe, out-of-the-way location, and reassess the situation the next time the area is organized.
4. Figure out categories that fit with the master’s way of working and their way of thinking. Don’t try to impose categories that don’t make sense to them. Before you get too deep into the process, tell them your general idea and see if they like it. If they have ideas about categorization, use those ideas to the fullest extent practical. You don’t need to agree with their categorization, or understand why it works for them, but ideally you should be able to figure out how to categorize an item according to their “system”.
Real Service Page 4