Before the inspiration of the moment could give way to sore leg muscles, Alissa said she would like to walk with Genevieve the next morning.
“I’ll see you at 6:30 then,” Genevieve said on her front lawn. “And did Shelly tell you about our picnic on the Fourth?”
“I don’t think I told you yet,” Shelly said. “We’re going to barbecue in the backyard. What did we have last year? About thirty people?”
“At least that,” Genevieve said. “Steve will be home on Thursday this week and off for the whole weekend. Isn’t that a nice change!”
“I’ll be working that weekend,” Shelly said. “Sorry I’m going to miss all the fun.”
“We’ll save you some cake,” Genevieve said. “Last year the girls and I made a big flag cake. I had red, white, and blue sprinkles everywhere in the kitchen for weeks.”
They went their separate ways, and after she washed up, Alissa meandered back into the living room. Instead of curling back up with her book on the couch, she walked into the kitchen where Shelly was unloading the dishwasher.
“Would you like to do something tonight?” Alissa asked.
“I’d love to, but I already have plans with some of my friends from church. I usually work Sundays, you know, so this is sort of a vacation day for me.” Shelly put the last plate in the cupboard and said, “You’re welcome to come with us, if you’d like. We’re just going out for dinner.”
“No, thanks anyway. I have some things to do.” Alissa opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of peach-flavored iced tea. “Was this mine or yours?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Shelly said. “I’m not that picky about stuff like that. Whatever you find in there, any time, help yourself to it. The guys sure do.” She leaned against the counter and pulled the clip out of her ponytail, shaking out her long, silky hair and letting it fall freely down her back. “You know what I just realized? The guys have hardly been over since you moved in. I wonder if they feel they don’t have to keep checking on me all the time now that I have a roommate.”
“Or it could be they’re afraid of me,” Alissa said, opening the bottle of tea and taking a drink.
Shelly laughed. “Right. You’re such a threatening person.” She laughed some more. “I’m glad you moved in, Alissa. This is working out better than I had hoped. I don’t think you scare anyone, especially Brad and Jake. Don’t they feel like brothers to you?”
Alissa shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t have any brothers.”
“Sisters?” Shelly asked.
Alissa shook her head.
“Lucky you! I have three sisters, and we were all two years apart. Makes for constant cat fighting around the house. No offense, Chloe,” she said to the cat, who had come wandering into the kitchen to see what was happening.
Alissa picked up her cat and massaged the back of her skull.
“Where do your parents live now?”
“They’re both dead.”
“I’m sorry,” Shelly said.
Then a familiar awkwardness set in. Alissa knew it well. It was that moment of shock when people realized Alissa was a bona fide orphan. They always felt compelled to somehow fix it. She expected Shelly to now extend an invitation that, for every holiday from here on, Alissa was welcome to join her family.
Instead Shelly perched herself on the counter, took a cookie from an open bag beside her, and said, “Tell me about you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, I want to know you.”
No one had ever wanted to know her before. She felt all her defenses rise up around her.
“There’s not much to tell. My dad was in the air force. We lived a lot of places. My mother …,” she hesitated. Knowing that Shelly came from a long line of ministers, she didn’t want to bring up the alcoholism. “My mother used to like to sing.”
“Do you?” Shelly asked.
“I used to. I don’t any more.”
“I can’t carry a tune unless it’s in a Walkman,” Shelly said, smiling at her own humor.
“You have a really soothing voice,” Alissa said, glad for a chance to take the attention off herself. “That’s one of the first things I noticed about you. Are you sure you don’t sing?”
“Positive! Every Christmas they made me the narrator in the church play. My three sisters were always the angels, and they got to sing and wear the halos.”
Shelly popped another Chips Ahoy in her mouth and said, “I believe I can blame all my adult trauma on never getting to wear the white robe and gold halo. Instead, I had to say, ‘There went out a decree from Caesar Augustus,’ and ‘There were shepherds abiding in the fields keeping watch over their flocks by night.’ ”
There was a knock on the door, and Shelly hopped down to greet her friend, who stood at the half-opened dutch door. “Come on in, Lori. I want you to meet Alissa. Alissa, this is Lori.”
The two exchanged polite nods and hellos.
“I was trying to talk Alissa into coming with us. Why don’t you finish convincing her while I get ready.” Shelly disappeared into her bedroom, leaving Alissa alone with Lori.
“You’re welcome to come,” the tall, fair-skinned woman said. “It’s not a real big deal. We’re going to Mi Piace. I’ve been craving some of their pasta all week. We always have a good time.”
Alissa smiled courteously and said, “Thanks, but I really have some things I need to do.” The last thing she wanted to do was break into an established group that always had a good time when they got together. Party crashing may have been her style in her younger days but not anymore.
They talked about how nice the duplex looked with Alissa’s furniture in it and some of the plants outside. Lori asked Alissa what she did, and when Alissa said she was a travel agent, Lori asked for the name of the agency, saying she would be in to arrange a flight for her family’s big Thanksgiving reunion in Oklahoma.
Shelly entered the room, looking bright and ready for some fun. “So, did she convince you?” Shelly asked Alissa. “Are you coming?”
“Not this time. But thanks for the invite.”
“Next time then,” Shelly said, grabbing her keys from the basket on the counter.
As soon as they were gone, Alissa felt sad. Part of her wished she had gone with them. That part of her coaxed her to believe it wasn’t too late to revive her social skills. She needed to change. She couldn’t live the life of a hermit forever.
In an illogical compromise, Alissa took herself out to the movies. She ate popcorn until her stomach hurt. She regretted it the next morning when Genevieve showed up at 6:30, ready to walk.
Alissa did her best to keep up with Genevieve, and at the end of their loop, she felt as if she had definitely had a workout. They agreed to meet again on Wednesday morning, and Alissa spent the rest of Monday and all of Tuesday complaining to herself about her sore leg muscles.
As Genevieve and Alissa rounded the corner on their way back home Wednesday morning, Brad came out his front door and stood watching them. He had on slacks and a short-sleeved, casual shirt. Alissa hadn’t seen him since the wedding and was surprised that he was kind of dressed up—for Brad, anyway. He didn’t look grungy, but he wasn’t formal either; he looked like a normal person.
“Brad!” Genevieve greeted him. “Haven’t seen you around. How are you?”
“Doing fine. I’m off to a sales breakfast.” He walked past them with only a glance at Alissa. “Hope you ladies have a wonderful day.”
“You and Jake know about our Fourth of July barbecue, don’t you?” Genevieve asked.
“Yeah, Jake told me we’re going to do a rerun of last year. Sounds great. We’ll bring the ice cream.”
“Good. See you around four then.” Genevieve waved good-bye to Brad and Alissa at the same time and kept up her long stride on the way to her house.
As Alissa stepped into the shower, she enjoyed the soothing water pouring over her. It felt good. And so did she. Business had been exceptionally good in June, and she expecte
d a bonus this week. She was down another pound on the scale, despite all that stale popcorn. And Brad had treated her like an average person. True, he hadn’t said much to her, but she decided that was better than the verbal fencing that had marked their first few encounters. Life was good, and she was looking forward to this barbecue more than a person who had a normal social life would.
Chapter Eleven
The travel agency was closed on the Fourth, so Alissa slept in—or at least she tried to. But her body was used to waking up early and wouldn’t let her fall back asleep. She finally gave in at 8:10 and climbed out of bed. Instead of showering, she decided she wanted to go for a walk. Genevieve wasn’t planning on walking this morning, but Alissa felt fine about going by herself. She liked the way she felt after exercising.
As she took off on the familiar uphill route, she discovered it was warmer than when they usually walked. She wished she had brought along some water. To distract her thirsty thoughts, she played her favorite mental game, thinking about Rosie and Chet. She tried to decide who Hannah was and how she had managed to capture Chet’s heart. It could have happened like Meg had said: people change, and it had been a long time since Chet had had any contact with Rosie. Maybe he had given up hope of ever being with her.
Hope was a terrible thing to lose, Alissa decided. She had teetered on the brink of that abyss herself. Even now, with circumstances going so well for her, she didn’t have much to look forward to. What she needed was something to hope for, some kind of dream to propel her forward.
She had her dream of running her own agency. But she hadn’t spent much time thinking about that lately. Maybe she needed to put some of those thoughts back into motion.
As much as she hated to admit it, the only frayed bit of a dream she had had lately was to get married. She desired stability, a home, children, and someone she could feel safe with, even after he knew all her intimate secrets, someone who would love her for who she was.
Alissa picked up speed the last two blocks and ended up at her front door sweaty and ready for a shower. As she entered the kitchen, she thought of Shelly’s words from the previous Sunday, “I want to know you.”
It seemed too good to be true. But perhaps Shelly was someone Alissa could trust. And while a roommate certainly wasn’t a husband, Shelly might turn out to be a close companion for Alissa. Of course, Shelly wasn’t there at the moment. Instead, Alissa was alone—and had to face the assignment of making potato salad for thirty people by four that afternoon. After her shower, she set about her task with concentrated effort, deciding to try to forget the loneliness she felt.
Halfway through peeling the potatoes, there was a knock at her front door. Alissa poked her head around the corner of the kitchen to see the sweet little face of Genevieve’s daughter Anna peeking over the top of the open dutch door.
“Hi,” Alissa said. “How are you, Anna?”
“Fine.”
“Would you like to come in?”
She nodded, and Alissa wiped her hands before reaching for the knob. “Have you finished the cake over at your house?”
Anna nodded again. “It’s a flag.”
“Yes, I heard about this cake. I’m making potato salad. Would you like to help me?”
Anna shyly nodded again. Her wispy blond hair was held back on the sides by two barrettes with sunflowers on them. She wore overalls with a sunflower embroidered on the front-centered pocket. Apparently she had been informed of Shelly’s rules about shoes because she took off her white sandals when she entered the house.
“Do you have an apron?” Anna asked.
“As a matter of fact, we do.” Alissa lifted Shelly’s blue-and-white-checked apron from the peg on the wall and tied it around Anna’s pencil-thin waist. The apron slid right off.
“My mom ties it under my arms,” Anna said, lifting both arms so Alissa could wiggle the apron up and try tying it again. The little girl looked so cute with the apron covering her whole front.
A deep longing welled up inside Alissa so powerfully that she had to brace herself against the counter. Her memory of Shawna would never go away. The counselor had told her that. But she hadn’t told Alissa how to deal with these overwhelming moments along the way, when the “what if” questions loomed so large. What if I’d kept her? What if she were standing in front of me today, just like Anna? What if I hadn’t agreed to sign the adoption papers so quickly? What if I could relive my teen years?
The answer to the last question was always simple. I never would have been so sexually active. But because Alissa couldn’t go back and change that reality, she sucked up her courage and moved forward.
With a smile to her innocent guest, Alissa said, “Are you ready to make potato salad?”
Anna nodded.
Alissa lifted Anna up to the counter, holding her close for just a second and breathing in the scent of her sun-warmed hair. Alissa’s only comfort was knowing that somewhere the Christian couple who had been so overjoyed to adopt her Shawna were probably lifting her the same way, holding her close, and showering her with kisses.
“Anna,” Alissa said, swallowing her tears and looking into the face of the young one who gazed back at her from the countertop. “I want you to know you are a very special little girl, and I like you very much.”
Anna gave Alissa a shy smile, indicating Anna had soaked up every word.
A few hours later Anna seemed to have decided Alissa was her favorite grown-up. Twenty or so adults gathered in the backyard, but everywhere Alissa went, Anna followed. Genevieve had set up a long table in the shade where Alissa added her contribution of the potato salad.
“I hope you didn’t put pickles in it,” Jake said, leaning over, examining Alissa’s creation. His dark hair was cut shorter than when she had seem him last, and he had been working on his tan. Alissa wondered if a man like Jake would ever be interested in her. His fresh-scented cologne met her nostrils, and she felt a little overpowered by his good looks and strong presence.
“We didn’t put in any pickles,” Anna answered for both of them.
“Good,” Jake said, dishing up a heaping scoop. “I’m not a pickle fan, especially sweet pickles.” He gave a slight shiver. “They should be outlawed.”
“Where’s Brad?” Anna asked.
“He’s around here somewhere,” Jake said, glancing over his shoulder. “Probably looking for some pretty woman to flirt with.”
“Alissa is the prettiest one here,” Anna said, giving her new friend an admiring smile.
Alissa felt herself blushing as an amused grin spread across Jake’s clean-shaven face. “You know why, don’t you?” Jake said to Anna. “It’s because we only allow beautiful women to live on our street. It’s a rule. Every woman on this block must be at least as adorable as you, Miss Anna.” He gave Anna a tender wink and moved on down the food line.
A swell of emotions caught in Alissa’s throat. She could never have her own daughter back, but perhaps she could always have a special friendship with this little girl who now stood beside her. Anna held out a paper plate with wobbly hands, silently asking Alissa to dish up some potato salad for her.
The evening floated by in interesting conversations and loads of food. Alissa enjoyed being a part of it all, but what she enjoyed most was Anna’s companionship. Genevieve’s husband, Steven, had gifted the garden with a new bench swing on a stand, which was positioned under the shade of the large trees lining the back side of the yard. Alissa and Anna spent the twilight hours there, away from the laughter of the crowd, swinging and talking.
“Did you know God made all these trees?” Anna asked. “How did he do it?”
“I’m not sure,” Alissa said, looking up and seeing the greenness of the leaves anew, through this child’s eyes. “God is pretty amazing, isn’t he?”
“Yes, he is,” Anna answered softly. “I asked Jesus into my heart. Do you have Jesus in your heart?”
“Yes,” Alissa said with a tender smile. “Yes, I do. I gave him my
heart when I was eighteen years old. At the beach. That was a very happy day.”
Anna nestled her head against Alissa’s shoulder, and together they watched the rest of the party carrying on around them. Jake and Brad were clearing a spot on the brick walkway to set off the fireworks. Like two little boys, they began lighting their toys before the sun had completely set. Anna hopped down and joined them when they enticed her in their direction with a lit sparkler. But Alissa was content to watch from a distance, her attention focused on Jake.
Both Jake and Brad were terrific with the six or so children who were at the gathering. The men sometimes let the kids light the fireworks, but most of the fountains, Piccolo Petes, snakes, and shooting candles were brought to life by Brad’s matches. He was more into this than any of the kids. Alissa felt a tenderness for him that hadn’t been there before.
What am I doing? I’m watching these guys as if I were a teen, staking out my next target. They are my neighbors. And if I’m going to stay on good terms with all my neighbors, I certainly can’t date either one of these men. That would ruin everything. I like it here. I want to stay. I can’t be dreaming up some false hope just because I’d like some attention.
After the last fountain was lit and the sulfur haze had begun to dissipate, Genevieve lit the last sparkler and placed it in the middle of her gorgeous flag cake. With a shout of “Happy birthday, America!” she held up the cake and added, “And may God bless America.”
Alissa joined the rest of the party, lining up for cake and ice cream.
“You going to stick around for our bongo-fest?” Brad asked, sliding up to Alissa. It was the first time he had talked to her in a week or so, and she wondered what direction their conversation would go. Would he psychoanalyze her for being an observer rather than a participant during the party? Would the bantering they had going at Chet and Rosie’s wedding start up again?
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