Gazelle

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Gazelle Page 12

by Bello, Gloria

“Oh, yeah?”

  “I would love to help. I know it’d mean a lot to him if I did. I mean, I’m going to be there, naturally, but I want to do more, you know? Help out?”

  Take the credit, you mean, Alice thinks. “Help how, exactly?”

  Sharleensmiles, her hands dangling delicately as she moves towards Alice in the most feminine, most annoying way Alice has ever seen anyone move. “You tell me! You’re the party expert.”

  “Not really. I’ve never thrown a party before in my life.”

  “Really? He told me you’re taking him to a party tonight, right? Didn’t you arrange that one, too?”

  Here it is, this is why she‘forgot’ the folder. “Um, no. It’s a friend of mine. His mother’s birthday. It’s not really a party, just a bar-b-q. I honestly don’t know what CeCeis arranging for his party. I think it’s going to be low key…his family, some of his friends from around here and New York…you….”

  “Oh! That sounds perfect! He’s a little on the hermit side, doesn’t really like big things much, right? So, this‘friend’ of yours…is he your boyfriend?” She winks and smiles, her teeth blending into the room around her.

  “No…he’s just a friend. I don’t have a boyfriend. Not since the last time you asked me…two days ago.”

  “Well, you never know. You’re kind of a mystery, Alice. So quiet and shy. It’s hard to imagine some of the stories Julian tells me about you.”

  “What stories? What does he say?”

  “Oh, nothing bad! Just that you’re, you know, pretty outspoken. Sort of tough. Don’t take this the wrong way but, I was convinced you were a lesbian when we first met.”

  Alice laughs a hard laugh of contempt and shakes her head.

  “Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” Sharleenadds quickly. “And it was solely based on some of the stories he told me.”

  “So…he described me as a tough bitch, and you deduced‘lesbian.’ How very‘PC’ of you.”

  “No! Not just that, I mean, you don’t really dress in skirts or dresses…I’ve never seen you in anything but sneakers until today. Those are cute, by the way.”

  “Oh, ug,thanks. I better get going,” Alicegrowls, shaking her head and turning to leave.“I’ll let you know if there’s anything you can do.”

  “I’m sorry…I offended you, didn’t I? I totally didn’t mean anything bad. It just came out all wrong. I’m such a dummy!”

  “Oh, no, I doubt that very much,” Alice calls from the elevator, studying the look of triumph on Sharleen’s face as the doors close.

  “Hi, Nathan. How’s it going?”

  “Good. Good, really good. I’m calling to check in with you. Are you ready?”

  “I’m getting there. Are you?”

  “I couldn’t be more fucking excited, friend. We still on for breakfast tomorrow? We can go over last minute script shit then.”

  “Yeah, yes. Definitely. I’m uh, I’m feeling pretty positive about the talk we had. It’s really helped out.”

  There is a brief pause. Julian winces, feeling as if Nathan has and always will see through him. “That’s good. I’m glad. I know this has been a real challenge for you, man. I want you to know that when it comes down to it, I trust you. This-this film means everything to me. And I know it means everything to you, too. You’ve been working right alongside me…it’s both of us, okay? Remember that. I trust you with it, you hear me?”

  “I know. Thank you, man.”

  “No problem, no problem. Get some proper rest and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “You, too. Bye.”

  He breathes slowly, steadily, staring hard at his reflection, his eyes locked, blazing. Nathan wasn’t buying it anymore. He could see right through him, he knew he was a fraud. There’s nothing behind those pretty eyes except one or two expressions you copied from someone truly talented, he thinks. You’re nothing but a toy chameleon, just about out of batteries. He exhales and focuses on the connection, latching onto the character, infecting himself with it, losing himself, detaching, re-attaching, reaching in and stopping just short in terror, but struggling onwards, relying on those mastered expressions like a splintering crutch.

  “ ‘I waited.’ Fuck… ‘I didwait. I waited long after the debris cleared and everyone went home to their nice, cozy little lies and forgot it ever happened, and made me dress up and play with the other kids. I waited in hell with a fucking smile plastered to my face, eating shit because you promised you would come back. Nobody did, though…you didn’t come back. You lied to me. You looked me in the fucking faceand you lied….tell me, tell me now, how you do that to your own kid? Your own blood?’”

  He drops his head, shaking, wincing, squeezinghis fists into balls. “Fuck me…fucking shit script…” he whispers, fighting his tears of frustration.

  CeCetaps lightly on the door. “Julian…”

  “Come back later!”

  “Julian, your brother’s on the phone.”

  Julian grabs the towel and wipes his face, wipes away the traces of struggle, and swings open the bathroom door. He glares at CeCe and yanks the phone from her. She says nothing, disappearing back down the hall. He listens until he can no longer hear her heels before putting the phone to his ear. He forces all his fear and frustration, his panic down behind the biggest wall he can muster, rubbing his temple violently as he struggles to control his voice and sound completely at ease.

  “James.”

  “Julian. How’re you doing?”

  “Good, you?”

  “Excellent.”

  “Great. Are you guys set then? You coming to visit? The party’s next Saturday.”

  “It looks good. Your assistant confirmed all of the hotel arrangements yesterday. Mom says she can’t wait. Sarah and the boys are excited, too. I think we might head there early and spend a few days doing the Disney-Magic Mountain tour. You interested?”

  Julian grunts, his brow narrowing despite himself.“Seriously?”

  “Yeah, I’m serious, uncleJulian. The kids would love it. Come on, family vacation.”

  “I can’t just go to Disneyland.”

  “It’d mean a lot to us, to mom. She’s getting up there. Who knows how long she’ll be around.”

  For a moment, he imagines telling his brother the truth. That he’s close to losing his grip again. That he’s going to mess up this last opportunity and have to start all over again. That he doesn’t have it in him to start over again, knowing he’ll never break free. He’s mediocre, just short of greatness, and that will never change, no matter how hard he works or runs. He purses his lips and closes his eyes, bracing himself. “James…the party is my going away party, too. I start shooting soon. I have to finish up things here. It’s not a good time.”

  There is a long silence, deafening silence Julian has learned to accept from his family. It crushes him now, squashing his hope that he is not alone.

  “Of course it’s not.”

  “I can’t just take a vacation,” Julian snaps. “I don’t have‘personal days.’ I can’t tell the office I’m going to be gone for a few weeks and that’s that. You know that.”

  “No, I know. I guess I was just hoping it wasn’t unfeasible.”

  “Well, it is, right now it is. Maybe after the shoot.”

  “Yeah, sure, after the shoot. Listen, I gottaget going. I’ll see you in next week.” His brother is done, he can hear it in his voice. His brother has given up on him yet again. Julian has heard this tone of disappointment, disapproval and ultimate dismissal so often throughout his life from his brother, yet it slices through him nonetheless, enraging him, filling him with hatred.

  “Yeah, okay, see you.”

  “Take care, buddy.”

  “You, too.”

  He stands with the phone pressed to his cheek a long time after the call has ended, hugging himself and glaring down the brown walls of the hall, fighting the rage. The conversation replays in the background of his brother, calling on the pretense that he cares, tha
t he wants to see Julian. Magic Mountain. He doesn’t care. He got what he wanted. He wants to see me be a dick, push people I love aside. He wants me to say no so he can run back to the rest of them and disappoint them on my behalf. He wants everyone to think I’m too self-centered to care about them. Disneyland.Wants me to fake it just like everyone else. Doesn’t give a shit about me, about what I’m going through. Giant, ivory vases border a full-length antique mirror at the end of it, reflecting him, rocking side to side, clutching the phone.

  “ ‘Uncle Julian’…Son of a BITCH!” he screams, heaving the phone at the mirror.

  Alice moves very cautiously through the quiet Los Feliz home to the kitchen. She peeks in before she tip-toes towards CeCe, bent over her laptop. Her heels are off, her blazer draped across her bag. CeCe looks up and smiles sadly, raising a long hand and giving her a short wave.

  “That bad, huh?” Alice asks, slumping next to her.

  “Pretty bad.”

  “Yeah…he was scary quiet this morning when I left. I’ve never seen him so serious.”

  “Oh, he isn’t quiet anymore. You should have heard him ten minutes ago. You know that mirror in the hall?”

  “Yeah?”

  “He cracked it, along with my phone.”

  “What? No way.”

  “Yep. I’m ordering a new one right now.”

  “That’s seven years of bad luck…probably double because that thing was humungous.”

  “Triple. It was an antique. Paid thousands for it. It was suppose to be good feng shui. I don’t honestly know what’s going on with him.”

  “Is this what happened last time he made a movie?”

  Ceceshook her head, tucking a stray behind her ear and studying the steel shine of the refrigerator. “No, no he’s never been like this. Not even when he was making‘Heist.’ It’s always…he’s really focused and serious, quiet. Sort of reclusive? This time…it’s the opposite. One minute, he’s having the time of his life, going to parties and clubs with her, smiling and laughing and the next…”

  “I know!” Alice exclaims. “It’s like, he’s a completely different person here when she’s gone. Like, he’s in a perpetual evil mood.”

  “Honestly, I think he’s struggling with the script. I overheard him talking to Mike about it the other night. He said something like the closer it gets to becominga reality, with the shoot and all, the more fake and forced he feels. He said he felt like he couldn’t pull it off. I think he might back out.”

  “No…”

  “Yes! He’s coming unraveled and, frankly,” she holds up her shattered phone, “manic.”

  “Where is he now?”

  “Where else?”” CeCe says, rolling her eyes and turning back to her computer.

  Alice sighs and tosses her own giant Vuitton on the counter. CeCe looks up at it in shock.

  “Is that real??”

  “Yes, it’s real!”

  “My god, it’s gorgeous!”

  Alice sighs and runs a slow, loving hand over her new bag. “I know.”

  “Look at you! All grown up and dressed to play in your Maddens and your Vuitton!” CeCe laughs.

  “That’s not why I bought it,” Alice says in a matter-of-fact tone. “I read something that said purses were symbolic of the womb. The reason women covet expensive bags is because they want men, and other women, to know their wombs are invaluable. It’s an evolutionary instinct. That, and I got it at the discount outlet for hellacheap!”

  CeCe laughs a sharp, loud laugh, covering her mouth quickly and looking around.

  “I’m gonnago check on him,” Alice smiles. “Pray for me.”

  She moves out onto the back patio in slow, twisting steps, her arms locked behind her. He sits hunched over, talking low into his phone, his back rippling through a tight, black shirt, his hand running continuously through his hair, which has lightened considerably from his most recent trip with Sharleen. He reminds her of a bull, pacing in its pen moments before it is released into the streets. For a moment, she feels the urge to run, to turn and run from the entire situation. She pictures herself cashiering at Healthy Grocery again, never having to fetch food or laundry, make sure his bills are paid or make travel arrangements, never having to criss-crossthe city through traffic trying to get papers or clothes here or there, never having to stand and wait at endless photo shoots or scroll through scripts he might like while he hangs out with his girlfriend at fancy restaurants and parties she’s never invited to anymore. She sees herself standing at the register, wishing she was painting or walking the dog, or even paying her own bills, without once thinking about his life. And, for a second, it seems so, so much better than this. She turns, confused, to move out of the room before he sees her. Instinctively, his head shoots back and he waves, beckoning her towards him. His face is a scowl, deadly and wrathful. There is no pretense; he is exactly what he appears. She stands straight and juts out her chin as she strolls towards him. I don’t give a fuck who he is, she thinks, I hold my own.

  He hangs up the phone and stares up at her from beneath his brow, chewing his upper lip.

  “What’s up?” she asks.

  “You tell me.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know what I’m talking about. What happened at Sharleen’s?”

  “Nothing. I dropped off her shit.”

  “Did you say anything?”

  “About?”

  “Did you give her attitude.”

  “No more than usual.”

  He sighs and rubs his scalp. “What the hell, Alice. Why?”

  “Why is it a big deal?”

  “The big deal is that she’s my girlfriend. You hurt her feelings. She’s trying to be nice, she’s trying to help and she thinks you hate her.”

  “I don’t hate her.”

  He gives her a look.

  “Okay, I do hate her. But you don’t understand!”

  “No, youdon’t understand. I don’t need this caddy bullshit, not right now. I’m having a hard enough time as it is with this fucking movie, my goddamn family is coming into town next week, Mike’s riding my ass about that pile of scripts which you said you were gonnago through-“

  “I did!”

  “Where are your notes, huh? If you did, where’re you’re notes?”

  “I gave them to Sharleenwhen you guys went to Costa Rica. She said she’d make sure you read them.”

  He snorts and shakes his head. “It’s not her responsibility to make sure I read, it’s yours! What the hell is happening here? Is this too much for you?”

  “What?!No!”

  “Then what, huh? Tell me. What?”

  “Nothing! I’m fine! I don’t know why you’re totally overreacting.”

  “Fuck that, I’m not‘overreacting.’ If anything, I should have taken care of this in the beginning.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning something’s going on with you.”

  “With me?”

  “Yeah, you! If you have something to say, just say it, okay? I don’t have time for this passive aggressive shit anymore, I’m so fucking sick of it.”

  “You wannaknow what’s going on?”

  “Yes! Jesus!”

  “Fine! It’s not me, it’s you. This is all you. You’re flipping out over nothing, like, all the time. Everything’s fine-”

  “Everything is not fine!”

  “Yes, it is! You’re freaking out because your gonnastart filming soon. You’re all megatrontestosterone 24/7! The only time you aren’t is when she comes around and drags you out into public for another photo op where you haveto look happy!”

  “Yeah…thank god I have her…”

  Alice bites her lip and looks away, her eyes narrowing. “Yeah, you get to ignore yourself completely.”

  “See, that’s the shit I’m talking about! What’s thatsuppose to mean, huh? Really?”

  “I don’t-I don’t know. I just...we’re all worried about you, that’s all.”


  “You are? Really? Great, then do something about it. Stop picking these goddamn little cat fights with Sharleenand do what you said you do!”

  “I am!”

  “No, you aren’t! You said you’d be there, no matter what!”

  “I am!”

  “This is the‘no matter what,’” he says, jabbing a finger at the ground and staring at her hard. “Doing shit you don’t want to, putting up with shit you don’t want to so that I don’t have to! I told you it’d get rough and you said,‘Blah, blah, blah, I’m from Oaktown, you don’t know from rough.’ Remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember. And I am still here. You can shatter all the fucking mirrors in this ridiculous place, break my stupid phones, I don’t give a fuck. I won’t fucking flinch.”

  He hangs his head, shaking it from side to side. “You are not here. If you were here, you wouldn’t be making my life any harder with Sharleen. Do you think I’m blind? I’m that self-absorbed I can’t sense it? It’s like dull, little knives stabbing my eyeballs every time I have to watch the two of you interact. You completely shut down and just stand there with this-suffocating silence that reminds me of my fucking family, just-like, fucking…judging her and me!”

  “That’s a little bit much, don’t you think?” Alice snaps.

  “Alice, I like her, I like her a lot. I don’t know why you hate her, and, frankly, I don’t care anymore. I just need you to have my back on this.”

  Alice stares hard at him for a long time. “I do. You are blind if you think I don’t.”

  He looks up at her and nods. “Okay. Good. Because this, how it is now, this is before I have to go to work. And I can’t do it like this, not with petty shit like this hanging over me. I don’t need it.”

  A tense silence falls over them, both of them wrapped in the words of the other. She fights off the hurt, his face contorted with such coldness and detachment. It was the first time she ever felt like an employee. She knew most of that wasn’t about her. She had been feeling the lash of his displaced anxiety for a while now. She suddenly felt ridiculous and degraded to think she had taken that lash not out of friendship, but for money. Her face drops and her eyes water.

  He looks up at her, seeing not the person he has been struggling with but the friend he once knew, vulnerable and sweet. There is no trace of her toughness, no semblance of her sass. Her cheeks are flushed red, her great lashes blink rapidly and before he can call her on it, she turns and starts towards the door. A wave of guilt and shame overwhelms him and stands suddenly, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her chin up in concern. “Are you actually crying?”

 

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