“What are you going to do now?” CeCe asks her.
“Leaving…naturally.”
“Where?”
“Ah…see, if I tell you that, you might be forced to give it up during interrogation. I promise, once I’m settled, I will tell you. It’s a good thing, I need a change. I never felt like I really fit in here, anyways.”
“Well, I know, for a fact, I will really miss you. You know, when he first showed up with you, I knew you were special. He doesn’t just make friends, and he never lets anyone into this part of his life. But it wasn’t until I got to know you that I realized you weren’t just special to him. You’re a truly, lovely young woman. Strong. Stronger than a lot of women I’ve known.”
“Why do I feel like I got eaten alive, then?” she whispers.
CeCesmiles. “We all get eaten alive. The true sign of strength is the ability to weather it and still look good. And, hon, you are beautiful.”
Alice swallows her tears and nods. “Thanks. I wish I had been stronger, though. I do. I just can’t. I’m not going to fight him anymore. I tried, CeCe, I really did.”
“I know you did. You aren’t walking away because you gave up, I know. We all want what’s best for the ones we love.”
She nods and hugs her again. “Thanks, that means a lot.”
She slowly starts to move towards the doorway. Her eyes flutter around the room, still foreign and cold, like stock houses realtors take their clients to. “Do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t tell him I’m gone, like, really gone. Tell him I called you and needed a few more days. Tell him I’ll be in touch.”
“You want me to lie to him?”
“A white lie. He needs to focus on his movie. I don’t want to make it any worse.”
“Willyou be in touch?”
Alice smiles sadly. “With you, yes. But once I leave someone, that’s it. I’m done.”
“Take care of yourself, Alice.”
“You, too.”
“What are you saying, Julian?” Michael glowers at his client, sitting in the make-up trailer, getting powdered.
“I’m saying we broke up. She dumped me. What’s hard to understand?”
Mike leans against the counter facing Julian, his hands folded in his lap. He purses his lips with a great annoyance as he struggles to control his building hostility. Julian glances up at him and then rolls his eyes.
“Look, Mike,” he says,“I know you don’t like it. But it wasn’t working. She broke it off, and I’m glad. I just didn’t feel it with her, that’s all. It’s not really a big deal.”
“No, it’s a little bit of a big deal,” Mike sighs, rubbing his eyes.
“These things happen all the time. People get together and break up. It’s good. Right before I start working. I’m free to focus on what’s important again,” he says.
“Is this because of your PA? I was there, Julian, the whole goddamn world was there. We all saw what happened.”
Julian does not respond. He stretches his face up for the make-up artist, shifting in his costume and avoiding eye contact with Michael.
“You aren’t serious about her, right? Tell me you’re not, please, Julian.”
“Mike, I don’t know what’s going to happen, okay? Right now, she’s taking a few days off,we’re both giving each other some space. But…yeah, you know…I’m in love with her.”
“JEESUS CHRIST!” Mike growls dramatically, causing both Julian and the make-up artist to jump. “Do you even know what you’re saying right now?!”
“What? Yeah, I know! It’s not-is it really that shocking? I mean, really? Honestly?”
“No, no it’s not shocking, not at all. What is shocking is that you don’t seem to understand that dumping a princess like Sharleen for the helpis potential suicide. They’ll rip you to pieces. It’ll be a feeding frenzy. One that can destroy you.”
“She dumped me! Oh, god, I’m so sickof this,” Julian says, shaking his head and laughing. “What am I working for, Mike? What good is doing all this if I can’t have what’s important?”
“What is important, Julian? Your career, your art, your work? Or a girl you love today, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, but maybe not forever? Are you willing to sacrifice everything you worked for, everything you are for her? For anyone? If that’s true, where’s all that integrity you maintained until now, through hell and back, fighting to get what you want, do what you want, make what you want? If you’re willing to sacrifice everything, what was all that fightfor?”
He stares at his own reflection, the chiseled nose, the strong jaw, the deep seteyes. “It’s not about winning the fight, Mike. It’s about proving I can go the distance.”
Julian pulls his Land Rover into his drive-way, his heart jumping at the sight of her car parked in front of him. He leaps and barrels into the home. It has been nearly a week without a word from her, a week of wondering if he ever would again. The hours he spent filming were hell, digging into him, tearing him apart with their torturous demand. As soon as he stepped off the set, he went to his home and waited. He worked out, he watched television, he tried to read. But mostly, he just waited. His house was a cold, empty tomb, foreign without her. He remembered his life before her, how similar it suddenly was to the present, and he became further agitated with impatience.
He races through the rooms, through the veranda and yard, through to the kitchen. CeCe looks up at him in surprise.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Where is she?”
“Who?”
“Where’s Alice?”
CeCefrowns, her face pales. She glances around, and then at him again, nervously. “What are you talking about, Julian? Alice isn’t here.”
“Her car’s here, though,” he protests. “Why’s her car here?”
CeCe bows her head and closes her laptop. She tucks her hair behind her ears and turns to him, standing before him with a hand on her hip and the other on her computer.
“Julian…Alice left the car. She quit.”
Julian blinks in confusion. “She quit?”
“Yes, hon, she quit.”
He grabs his phone and starts to dial her number. A phone on the counter beside CeCe starts to vibrate. CeCe sighs.
“She left the car and her phone here this morning.”
“Fucking hell…”
“Julian, it’s too late.”
Her tone was very clear and foreboding. His spine stiffens, his arms clench. His eyes shoot up and lock on hers and she knows it will break his heart. She looks away.
“CeCe, what’s too late? What happened?”
“Julian, listen, hon, it’s what she wanted. She made it very clear that she needs this space and distance.”
“What kind of distance? CeCe, where the fuck did she go?”
“I don’t know. She wouldn’t tell me. She only told me she was going, moving out of L.A..”
“Fucking hell!” he growls, turning and running out towards the door.
“You better hurry! She dropped the car off an hour ago!” CeCe calls after him.
He slams on the brakes in front of her house and races up the small hill of grass and furniture, ignoring the confused stares of her neighbors stringing up their laundry. He bangs on the door and listens for the sounds of Dirt Bag. There are no sounds, no noises of any kind. He peeks his head in the windows. All of her paintings and posters are gone, everything but the couch and television removed. For a moment, his mind skips, searching desperately for any kind of information that would lead him to her. He frowns and squints at the skyline before remembering Rolando.
The doors of the dark pool hall swing open, blinding the occupants with the setting sun. Rolando shields his eyes and squeezes his pool cue, watching the large, charging form approaching him. It is not until Julian is in front of him that he sees his face and smiles.
“Look it who it is! Lincoln, the famous movie star!” he laughs, taking Julian’s outstretched hand.
“I knew you weren’t no spinner. Although, I might argue there’s little difference.”
“Rolando,” Julian nods, breathless.
“You want a beer? Eddie, get him a beer.”
“No, thanks. I’m in a hurry, actually. I’m looking for Alice.”
Rolando nods, smiling slyly as he takes a swig of his own beer. “Ah, yes. My little Alice the Wonder. She said you might be coming by, looking for her. I’m personally kind of impressed. Didn’t think you had the balls. I still don’t. But showing up, looking for her, that says something, I guess.”
“Do you know where she went?”
“Yes. Yes, I do know. And no, I’m not telling you. I promised her I wouldn’t.” He sets his beer on the table and leans over, taking a shot. The balls slide into pockets and he moves like a panther around to the other end, lining another shot. He looks up at Julian and smirks.
“But that’s not why I won’t. I’m not‘not’ telling you because she said not to. I am not going to tell you because you’re not good enough. Alice deserves a man, a real man, unafraid, unafraid to love openly and honestly, who doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks and does what he wants to do.”
“You’re making a lot of assumptions about me, Rolando. And I don’t appreciate it,” Julian says.
The men surrounding them shift their weight and hiss, shaking their heads. Rolando smiles and takes his shot again, knocking the balls into their pockets. He stands up and leans on his stick, his eyes down cast at Julian. “Is that right? You think my opinion is based on assumptions, huh? You think I get to be a man in my position, making assumptions?”
“That’s not what I meant,” Julian protests.
“No, no it is, that’s okay. I wouldn’t expect any less from an ignorant fuck like you. But just so we’re clear, let’s go over a few things as to whyI don’t think you’re good enough. See, Alice tells me everything. The times she isn’t working for you, she’s here, sitting right at that table, reading, drawing, talking to me about everything. I told you when I first met you, she was my favorite. What I meant was that she’s my favorite woman, not including my mother. And I have six daughters and more ex wives than I can count on my hands. Do you know what that means to me, then? I love that girl like my own blood. And she told me all about you. I know more about you than any man should know about another man. I know what kind of fuckin’ yogurt you hate, how you love spaghetti westerns and Korean movies, what kind of fuckin’ sake you like with your sushi. I know your brother and you don’t get along, and I know that your hot girlfriend is total putaAlice can’t stand. Hours and hours, she’d sit there, her little dog at her feet, talking about you like you was some sort of royalty. And one thing was real clear. She loved the shit out of you the whole time. For months, probably from the moment you met. Clear as day, clear as fucking crystal. So I ask myself, if it’s this clear to me, not even there, in person on a daily basis to witness this, how is it not clear to you? It’s your job to read people, to get in their heads and transform into them, no? So how can it notbe clear to you?”
Rolando comes around the table and stands before him, looking sidelong at the rows of tables. His hooded eyes lock up at Julian, deadly serious.
“There are only two possible reasons, holmes. One: you did know, but you got off on it. You liked to be served and taken care of like a fuckin’ baby boy‘cuzthat’s what they do for big shots like you, right? Women all over the place, coming and going like meals and left-overs. So you let her do it, you paid her to do it, and pretended you didn’t know. In which case, you and me have a much more serious problem than this, right now.”
Julian’s brow furrows and he shifts his weight, glancing down at the lean man, knowing it was a fight he would lose very quickly, even without the assistance of Rolando’s men.
“Two: you felt the same way, but you were too self-absorbed and afraid to admit it. Too much of a coward. Too much of a little coward to deal with your emotions like a real man. That’s not good enough for Alice, you hear me? She deserves better than that, way better. If this is the case, I need to hear you say it. Do you understand me? You need to come clean. I need you to tell me you’re a coward.”
Julian glares at him. In the back of his mind, he is screaming, knowing he is running out of time. His pride and panic wrestle, his eyes locked on Rolando’s cold, fierce expression. He exhales slowly and blinks, realizing Rolando’s words were absolutely true, and understanding just how bad it really was. Rolando loved Alice, and Julian understood what he said and did was out of that love. He understood that, were the position reversed, Julian might not be as forgiving as Rolando. He bows his head and drops his gaze.
“You’re right,” he whispers.
“Excuse me?” Rolando asks, tilting his ear to him. “I couldn’t quite hear that.”
“You’re right. I’m a coward. I was too self-absorbed. Too fucking stupid and afraid. I love her. That’s it, that’s all. I love her and it scares the shit out of me to think I fucked this up.”
“Oh, there’s no mistaking it, you definitely fucked it up, real good,” Rolando laughs, returning to the table.
“I can fix it.”
“Doubt it. Alice is an incredible human. She’s got many beautiful attributes. But forgiveness is not one of them,” he says.
“I have to try. I have to at least tell her and try.”
“Yes, you do. Good luck with it,” Rolando says.
Julian blinks in disbelief. “You’re not going to tell me where she is?”
“No, man, I told you I wasn’t!” Rolando exclaims. “My word is bond! I don’t fucking break my promises!”
Julian locks his jaw and grinds his teeth. Rolando stops and looks up at him again, shaking his head.
“I can’t tell you, man, I’m sorry. But I’m not the only one who knows her, right? And I can say this, those other friends of hers are apt to be more charmed by that pretty boy smile than I.”
Julian’s eyes widen and he turns, bolting towards the door, Rolando and his friends laughing as he goes.
The juice bar is packed with dinner rush. Hungry young models, rich, cougar moms and yoga instructors twist in a sloppy line, waiting grumpily for their feeding. The blenders whirl in a symphony of grinding twisters. The juicer roars as it continuously liquefies handfuls of produce. Julian pushes past the crowd, squeezing between the surprised faces, towards the front counter. The customer he cuts in front of him looks at him indignantly for a moment before realizing who he is.
“Oh my god…” she whispers, stepping back and quickly reaching for her phone.
“Trina!”
Trina whips around, thoroughly annoyed and disheartened by her job. Her jaw drops upon seeing him. The crowd around him erupts into a series of whispers and astonishment at his presence. She rushes to the counter with a smile on her face, the curious gaze of the surrounding customers shifting back and forth between the two.
“Where is she?”
Trina blinks, confused, before realizing what he asks. She shakes her head but it is clear she is uncertain. “I’m not suppose to-”
“I love her. Where is she?”
“Bus station. Downtown.”
He turns and runs through the crowd,faintly hearing her yell,“HURRY!” above the noise.
Alice hugs Chris one last time. He rubs her back and fights off his own sadness. She pulls away and tucks her long hair behind her ears.
“Okay, I guess I better get going. No use putting off the painful,” she says, scooping up Dirt Bag. “Tell Will I love him. I’ll call you guys when I get in.”
“Okay, hon. We’re gonnamiss the shit out of you,” Chris says, walking her to the bus.
“I know, me too. But hey, you can visit. And when I come back here, I’ll stay with you. We’ll have 24 hour movie marathon pajama parties.”
“Yeah, it’ll be fun.”
She steps up onto the bus and looks at him with a sad smile.
“You sure you’re doing the right thing,
Alice?”
“Yeah…it’s for the best. I need to start over. Get my shit together. It all felt like it was too good to last, you know? The car, the life, the parties…”
“The giant flat screen. I can’t believe you gave that to Trina.”
“It’s just a TV. Doesn’t mean anything.” She leans down and kisses his cheek. “I’ll see you around.”
She moves to the back of the bus and curls up on the chair. Chris waves to her, moving to the curb as the bus starts up. It rises up onto its shocks, the doors shut. She waves one last time and leans her head against the window, closing her eyes as tears begin to fall. The bus slowly lurches away.
“Wait! Stop it! Wait!”
Julian runs breathless towards the bus as it gains momentum. He charges past Chris, reaching the back window.
“Alice! Wait!!”
He waves his arms frantically at her but she does not see him, her eyes still closed as the bus gathers speed and rolls down the street, Julian still chasing it.
For a long moment, he stands breathless, heaving, watching the bus disappear down into traffic. He feels as if some broad mistake has been made, like the bus would loop back around again and reset the scene. He stands up slowly and runs his hands through his hair, pulling it and fighting, realizing there was no second take.
“Fuck!! Fuck me, FUCK!”
He puts his hands on his hips and turns back to the bus depot, ignoring the curious eyes that watch him, including Chris, whom he has not yet recognized. He looks to those nearest the bus departure, and runs to them.
“Excuse me, man,” he asks a young man with headphones.“Do you know where that bus was going?” The man shakes his head.
He asks another passerby and another, still not seeing Chris, watching him in astonishment. Finally, his eyes drop to the slight, nerdy young man, grinning at him. Julian recognizes him at last and rushes to him.
“Chris, right?”
“Right. That’s correct…Julian, right?”
“Chris, where’s she going?”
“I uh, I don’t know if it’s a good idea I tell you,” he says, shaking his head.
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