"Me?" Mattie took the bag and opened it. It was a book, The Littlest Christmas Tree, which Emma had stumbled across one day when trying to find an activity for her art class. It made her cry every time she read it. "It's for you. Your very own book."
"Wow." Mattie's gaze was reverent as she traced her hand over the glossy cover. "It's beautiful."
"I even put your name in it," Emma said, pointing to the note she'd written on the inside cover. "And I signed my name, so you'll always remember who gave it to you."
Mattie opened the book. "Let's read it right now."
Emma glanced at the clock on the dash. "The pony rides start in an hour. Don't you want to make it in time for those?"
"No." Mattie climbed into the front seat and perched on the console next to Emma. "Read it to me." She tucked herself onto Emma's lap, and opened the book on the steering wheel, nestling her head under Emma's chin.
Tears filled Emma's eyes, and she kissed Mattie's tight braids. "Okay." She turned to the first page and began to read the story of the tiny Christmas tree that had only one Christmas wish: to find a family who would love it. Emma's throat tightened as Christmas grew closer and closer, and every family rejected the tiny tree, until Christmas Eve came, and the owner of the stand took it home for his little boy. And when the little tree stood so proudly at the end of the story, decorated with homemade ornaments while it presided over a tiny pile of presents, there was no way to stop the tears from sliding down her cheeks.
Mattie looked up at her, and then she brushed her finger over Emma's face. "Why are you crying?"
"Because it makes me happy to see that the tree found its family." She managed a smile. "Whenever you read this book, Mattie, I want you to remember that if you believe and don't give up, your wishes can come true as well, even if you're the littlest tree that no one wants."
Mattie's brow furrowed. "I'm not a tree."
Emma laughed and hugged her. "I know, sweetie, but someday, you might feel like one."
"I'm a butterfly," Mattie said seriously.
"Are you now?" Emma wiped her cheek with her sleeve.
"I am. Then, when I'm in South Carolina, I'll fly north with the other butterflies in the spring, and I will go to Birch Crossing and find you." Mattie eyed her. "Did you know butterflies migrate?"
Alarm shot through Emma as she thought of Robbie's disappearance. Was Mattie planning to imitate him? "I didn't know they migrated, but it's awfully far for a butterfly to fly. Maybe..." she cleared her throat. "Maybe the butterflies in South Carolina should find some beautiful flowers down there to enjoy. Butterflies are so little that it would be a dangerous journey for them."
Mattie shrugged. "Butterflies are tough." Her face lit up, as if she'd had a sudden idea. "I think the littlest Christmas tree would have migrated if it hadn't found a family, don't you?"
Fear prickled at Emma. "Mattie, trees don't migrate—"
She held up the book. "This one would have. It wouldn't have given up. Isn't that what you said? Not to give up?" Mattie's face was so genuine and earnest that Emma felt her heart shatter. "I thought that was what you told me. Not to give up, right?"
How could she let this girl be shunted off to her grandparents? Sudden resolution flared through Emma. How could she tell Mattie not to give up, and then fail to fight herself? "Yes," she said. "I did say not to give up. Hop in back, Mattie. We have a stop to make."
Mattie scurried over the console into the back seat. "Where are we going?" she asked as she strapped herself in.
"To visit a friend." Emma started the car, gripping the steering wheel tightly. It was a suicide mission, she knew it was, but dammit, she was tired of living safely, because living safely sucked.
***
Emma held Mattie's hand tightly as she hurried the little girl up the wood stairs of the somewhat decrepit building. Chloe met them at the door, pulling it open and looking nervously over her shoulder. "I can't believe you talked me into this," she whispered. "I could get fired for this."
"It would be worth it." Emma still didn't let go of Mattie's hand, so grateful that Chloe had answered her call on the way over to the courthouse. "Where do we go?"
"This way." Chloe hurried down a quiet hallway.
"Emma?" Mattie tugged at her hand. "What are we doing?"
"Not giving up," Emma said.
"Here." Chloe stopped outside a wooden door that was unmarked, but a shadow on the wood made it appear as though a name plate had once marked it, but had long since disappeared. "They're in here." She managed a quick smile. "Give me five minutes so it doesn't look like I let you in." Then she opened the door and ducked inside.
"Thanks." As Chloe disappeared into the room, Emma crouched in front of Mattie. "Mattie, baby, I want you to know that I will always love you."
Mattie nodded, her braids bouncing with each move of her chin. "I love you, too, Emma."
"I know." She swallowed, her heart pounding as all the warnings she'd heard from everyone else rang in her ears. She shoved them aside, refusing to listen to them. "Listen to me, sweetie. Inside that room, Dottie and the judge are talking about you. They're deciding who you're going to live with."
Mattie's gaze flicked to the door, and Emma saw wisdom in them that no five year old should have. "I thought I had to go to my grandparents."
"There is one other possibility, Mattie." Emma closed her eyes for a moment, Chloe's warnings ringing in her ears about making promises and breaking them. Should she really tell her? But when she opened her eyes and saw Mattie looking at her expectantly, she knew that there was something much worse than being disappointed by someone you love, and that was never knowing that you were loved at all. She had once been Mattie, and she had wanted nothing more than for someone, anyone, to say that they loved her. She'd spent her life craving the security of knowing that there was someone in this world who held her in their heart. Mattie deserved it, on every level, and there was one way for Emma to show her that she had it, even if it didn't work out. "Mattie, I want you to know that if you wanted it, and they agreed, I would take you home and have you live with me forever."
Mattie stared at her. "I thought you didn't want me," she whispered. "Every time I said I wanted to live with you, you didn't say you wanted it, too. You just said you couldn't, that I had to live with my grandparents."
Guilt surged through her at Mattie's interpretation of Emma's attempts to spare her. That was how she'd interpreted it? As Emma not loving her? Forget that. No way was she going to let Mattie live under that delusion for one more minute. She might have to go to South Carolina, but if she did, she was going to go knowing that she was loved dearly. "I love you, Mattie, and I've been trying to adopt you, but it's not easy. I want you to know that I love you dearly, like my own daughter. Do you understand?"
Mattie nodded silently, her eyes huge.
"Unfortunately, sometimes things don't work out the way that we want." She squeezed Mattie's hand. "Even if the judge decides that you should go to South Carolina, or even if you decided that you want to live with your grandparents, I will still love you just as much, forever. Nothing can change that, no matter what."
Mattie's eyes were wide, and she said nothing.
"People think that since you're only five, you don't know what you want, but I don't agree. I think you should be able to speak up." She knew she was breaking rules, but she didn't care. To be disempowered was heart wrenching, and Mattie deserved to be heard, to be taught that she had the right to speak up. She let go of Mattie's hand and knelt in front of her. "Do you want to talk to them?"
Mattie looked at the door again, then shook her head. "No," she whispered.
"No?" Disappointment flooded Emma, but she managed a smile. "That's totally fine, Mattie. You don't need to." She stood up and held out her hand. "Let's go to the fair, then. We'll ride some ponies."
But Mattie didn't take her hand. "I want you to talk to them."
Hope leapt in Emma's heart, but she kept herself calm, as she c
rouched again in front of Mattie. "What do you want me to say to them?"
Mattie lightly grasped Emma's necklace. "I want you to be my mom," she whispered.
Tears filled Emma's eyes, but she managed a nod, even while her heart leapt. "Are you sure, Mattie?" She met Mattie's gaze and spoke with pure truth. "I will love you no matter where you live. If you go to South Carolina, I will always be with you. Always." She drew an "X" over her heart. "Cross my heart."
Mattie made the same symbol over her own heart. "I want you," she said simply.
Emma managed a smile, even as resolution poured through her. She would not let Mattie down. "Okay, I'll go talk to them." She glanced at the door, debating whether to bring Mattie in with her, but then decided that it was important. Even if it didn't work out, Mattie needed to see that Emma loved her enough to fight for her. "You want to come with me?"
Mattie nodded and took her hand.
"Let's go." Emma squeezed her hand and pushed open the door. The shabby office was cluttered, with stacks of paper abounding. A gray-haired woman, presumably the judge, was sitting behind the desk. Dottie was sitting in a chair, her notebook open on her lap, and Chloe was sitting beside her, the three people who were responsible for deciding Mattie's future. They all stopped mid-sentence to stare at her and Mattie.
"What are you doing here?" Dottie asked.
"Breaking rules," Emma said, holding Mattie's hand firmly as she faced the judge. "My name is Emma Larson, and I want to be Mattie's mom."
Chapter Eighteen
Emma was sitting in her living room on the edge of the couch, too tense to think. Clare was making their third pot of coffee, and Astrid was pacing the floor.
"They said they were going to call at two o'clock," Astrid said as she paced the living room, Rosie asleep in her arms "It's two-fifteen. Do they not have clocks in that building?"
"They'll call," said Clare calmly. "Sit down."
It had been five days since the meeting at the courthouse. After Emma had finished her announcement, the office had become ominously silent...but she could have sworn she saw a small smile playing at the corners of Dottie's mouth. It had been Dottie who had broken the impasse, asking Emma what had occurred to make her think that the case should be revisited.
Her only answer had been honesty, pouring out her heart as she hugged Mattie, as Mattie had wrapped her arms around Emma. The two of them together, fighting for a future they wanted. The discussion had gone on for two hours, and then they'd kicked her and Mattie out. Chloe had reported that they'd decided to table the decision about Mattie for two weeks…and they were meeting today. Chloe had emailed yesterday to tell Emma that the meeting was scheduled to end around two, and at ten o'clock, Clare and Astrid had appeared at Emma's house to support her.
It had been the longest day of her life…except perhaps when she'd been waiting to hear if Harlan had died. She wasn't sure which was worse, but they were both torture. Harlan. Just the thought of him still made her heart ache. It had been three weeks, and the pain hadn't lessened. The betrayal of him leaving her, and the memories of that message he'd left her.
"Want some more coffee?" Clare asked, holding up the pot.
Emma hugged herself, her stomach churning. "I can't drink it. I'll throw up. You guys don't need to wait here with me."
Clare set a steaming mug down in front of her on the low table "There's no chance we're leaving you here alone to deal with this. If it's bad news, you shouldn't be alone."
"It can't be bad news," Emma whispered, her belly lurching again. She checked her phone and saw that it still had five bars. "Astrid, try calling me again and make sure my phone works."
"No." Clare sat down next to her. "Your phone is fine. They'll call."
Astrid looked over at her as she patted Rosie's little back "Have you heard from Harlan since that day?"
"No." He'd clearly taken her rejection as truth and had not reached out. Silence had reigned between them ever since. "It's over." God, it hurt to say those words, to say aloud what she knew in her heart. She couldn’t be the one to bridge the gap between them. It had to be him. He had to make the choice to try.
"Don't give up on him," Astrid said. "You should have heard his voice when he called me—"
"No!" Emma held up her hand, her heart twisting at Astrid's words. She had no energy left to hope for Harlan. She simply didn’t. "It's done. It's over. It's—" Her phone rang. She yelped and dove for her phone, knocking the mug of coffee over and spraying it all over her floor. She stumbled to her feet, pressing the phone to her ear. "Hello?"
"Em?" Chloe was breathing heavily, as if she'd run all the way to her office...or was fighting back sobs.
She clutched the phone, barely able to breathe her chest was so tight. "What? Tell me. Please, just tell me."
"Emma...or maybe I should just call you Mom."
"What?" Disbelief poured through Emma, and tears flooded her eyes. "What?"
"Mom," Chloe repeated. "You've been approved. Foster to adopt. You're her new mother."
"Oh, God." Emma sank down onto the couch, her legs shaking too much to stand. She'd done it. All on her own, without a husband. Just her, alone. Her and Mattie. "You mean it? It's definite? They can't change their minds?"
"No, but—" she paused.
"But?" Panic ricocheted through Emma. "But what?"
"The adoption won't be final until you divorce Harlan. He's not part of the package, for obvious reasons, and they don't want him to have the ability to interfere in Mattie's life. But that should be fine in terms of timing, because you would have to foster her for six months first anyway. So the divorce should be final by the time you'd be able to adopt her."
Emma was too shocked to answer, her mind spinning. Divorce him? The words were like a sinking emptiness in her belly. Despite her brave words to her friends and to Harlan himself, she still hadn't done anything to initiate a divorce. She didn't know what she'd been waiting for, but she hadn't been able to do it. But now she had to, in order to adopt Mattie?
"Hello? Em?" Chloe interrupted her thoughts. "That's okay, right?"
She finally managed to catch her breath, and nodded. "Yes, of course." She looked at her friends, who were staring at her breathlessly, waiting for her to tell them what had happened. "I'll call the lawyer today."
"Awesome. I'll call you back in a little while with more details, and to see how quickly we can get Mattie moved into your custody. Congratulations!"
"Thank you," Emma said. "And thank you for all your help. I couldn't have done it without you."
Chloe laughed. "Actually, Emma, I owe you the thanks. You taught me a few things. I admit that I was wrong about how to handle this situation. I'm glad you didn't listen to me. Congratulations. I'll talk to you soon—"
"Wait!"
"What?"
"Can I be the one to tell Mattie?"
She could almost feel Chloe's smile over the phone. "Of course. Give me a little time to get the details and paperwork sorted out, and then we'll discuss it. I'm trying to arrange it so you can get her before the weekend."
Emma's heart stuttered. "This week?"
"Hopefully. Talk soon. Bye."
Emma disconnected and stared at her friends, who were waiting expectantly. Suddenly, as she stared into the faces of the two people who had stood by her, the enormity of it all seemed to descend upon her, and she started to cry.
"Oh, Emma," Clare dropped to her knees beside her. "I'm so sorry—"
"I got her," Emma managed to say.
"What?" Clare shrieked in astonishment. "You're going to adopt her?"
"Yes, but—" She looked at Astrid, feeling helpless. "I have to divorce Harlan first. It needs to be done within six months."
Astrid's smile faded. "He loves you," she said quietly.
"He left me. He left Mattie. He—" She thought back to that message he had left her, where he'd started to say the things she'd been dying to hear...and then he'd said, "Never mind," and hung up. What had he bee
n about to say? She knew that message, that aborted message, was why she hadn't initiated the divorce yet. She'd been hoping, stupidly hoping, that there was still a chance.
Astrid shook her head. "He's broken, Em. Just like you. Just like me. Just like the rest of us. It's not easy to love someone who is broken, but when you do, you see through all their crap to the goodness inside."
"He's not broken—"
"He is!" Astrid set her coffee down. "Do you know how bad his father was? Harlan grew up surrounded by violence, with a mom who didn't want him, and a stepmother who wouldn't stand up for him. Do you think he has any clue how to be a father or a husband, or even to acknowledge he would want to do it? I know, because I was like him. Jason saw through that, and he made me see myself in ways I couldn't."
Emma lurched to her feet. "I know about his past," she snapped. "I know all about it, and I believed in him. I trusted him. But it wasn't enough. Don't you understand, Astrid? It's up to him. I can't do it for him, and I'm so tired of trying to make people be who I want them to be. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him." Tears trickled down her face again, but they weren't tears of joy. They were tears of loss, of grief, of the final abandonment of hope. The elation of being able to adopt Mattie felt tarnished by the hollowness that Harlan wasn't a part of it, that there was no chance he could be a part of it. "I can't live like this anymore," she said. "I'm not okay with a half-marriage, whether it's with a man like Preston, who is nothing more than glitzy poison, or Harlan, who brings my soul to life, but then shreds it with such ease."
"He needs someone to believe in him," Astrid said. "He can't do it alone."
"And what if I try again? What if I fight for him, and they let me stay married to him? What do I say to Mattie when she asks why this man who is supposed to be her father is never there? Why he doesn't love her?"
"He will come around!" Astrid said fiercely. "Tell them you won't accept that condition. Tell them that Harlan is part of the deal."
"Really? And what if they then change their minds and decide I'm not stable enough because of my infatuation with an unreliable man? I barely got them to agree. Is it worth the risk for a man who has shown no signs at all that he cares?"
Prince Charming Can Wait (Ever After) Page 22