by Jody Hedlund
Caroline.
He may have saved her life, but he’d thrown away his chance of having her.
Chapter 26
There,” Caroline said, pressing the bandage to Ryan’s back. “That ought to hold the skin together and prevent infection.”
He was hunched on the stool she’d had the twins carry down from the tower. The lantern on the sideboard illuminated the remnants of the clean linen she’d used to cover the knife wound Arnie had given him.
Numerous scars covered his broad back, shocking her when she first saw them. One more wouldn’t mar him much. Even so, she’d doctored him with as much care and gentleness as she could. The bruises Arnie had left on her neck paled in comparison with the anguish Ryan had suffered during the war.
“Hopefully it will heal quickly,” she said, letting her fingers linger on the bandage against his cool skin.
He looked at her over his shoulder with tortured eyes, the longing in them causing heat to spread through her middle, just as it had every time their eyes met since that kiss he’d given her outside the tavern.
She shouldn’t have kissed him back. She tried to tell herself that she’d merely been relieved, that she’d been weak and vulnerable and hadn’t really felt anything.
But it was all a lie. She knew it as well as he did. The kiss had been full of all the passion and desire that simmered between them. And now it had boiled over, searing and taunting them about what could never happen again.
The twins had already come and gone, having begged Ryan to retell his role in rescuing Caroline several times. She could hear their animated voices coming from down the hallway and suspected they were in with Sarah, relaying the story to her with boyish embellishment.
Tessa sat quietly in a chair across the table. She hadn’t spoken much since they’d returned. She’d already changed out of the wedding gown into her everyday attire. And she’d prepared a pot of soup that was cooking on the back burner, although Caroline doubted anyone but the twins had an appetite.
Ryan hadn’t looked at Tessa since he walked through the door. And now, hunched over with his elbows on his knees, he stared at the floor again.
Caroline could sense the agony in his every muscle and movement. And she knew it wasn’t from his physical pain. He desired her. Maybe even loved her.
No, he still hadn’t said the words. But he’d come for her, had charged into the tavern to rescue her. His expression had been deadly. He’d wanted to kill Arnie for hurting her. And when he’d finally wrapped his arms around her, she’d felt his love. She knew that he cared for her deeply—just as the reverend had said.
It thrilled her to know that Ryan cared for her instead of Tessa. She couldn’t keep from gloating over it, just a little. It was her only consolation in the completely hopeless situation.
For just a little while, she didn’t care if Tessa knew that Ryan didn’t want to marry her, that he wanted her instead. It served Tessa right for stealing Ryan away from her. And for just a little while she wanted to ignore the fact that Ryan had gotten drunk again. She wanted to pretend that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just one tiny mistake and wouldn’t happen again.
Ryan hung his head lower, the misery weighing heavily upon him.
She couldn’t stop herself from grazing a finger across the bare skin of his back just above the bandage.
He tightened, gave a soft groan, and then bolted off the stool, knocking it over in his haste. He grabbed his bloodstained shirt from the back of the kitchen chair and turned away from her as he tugged it on.
Tessa stared at Ryan’s bare chest boldly. And Caroline couldn’t prevent the jealousy that pinched her heart. “Turn your eyes away, Tessa,” she said crossly. “You’re not married yet, even if you’d like to think you are.”
Tessa had the grace to look embarrassed.
“I’m heading up to the light,” Ryan said behind the flannel shirt sliding over his face.
Caroline glanced out the window, surprised to see the lengthening shadows of early evening. “I’ll go up,” she offered.
He combed his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “I need to go tonight, Caroline.” His tone told her that he wouldn’t be swayed, and his eyes told her that he needed to be alone, that he needed time to think.
“I think I should take over the keeper duties from now on anyway.” He rubbed a hand across his eyes. “Don’t you think?”
She wanted to protest. The thought of not ascending the tower and doing her job was as discouraging as the thought of not marrying Ryan. But she knew she had to stick to her original plan and leave the lighthouse after Ryan and Tessa were married. If being together now was difficult, what would it be like on a daily basis?
“Yes, you should take over now,” she conceded.
Tessa straightened, her black eyes darting between them. “Why does Ryan need to take over? That doesn’t make any sense if we’re leaving.”
Caroline picked up the leftover linen scraps and began folding them. “I’m leaving. Not you. The plan is for you and the boys to stay here with Ryan.”
Panic flitted across Tessa’s features, and she pushed out of her chair. “The plan is for Ryan and I to leave this place. Just as soon as we get married.”
Ryan paused in strapping his suspender back over his shoulder and quirked his brow. “We can’t leave everyone—”
“But you told me you were going West!” Tessa glared at Ryan. “You said you were leaving and giving the lighthouse back to Caroline, that the keeper job belongs to her.”
“Aye, it does belong to her,” Ryan said, blowing out a breath. “The Lighthouse Board couldn’t find a better keeper to run this light.”
“Then let her have the job. And we’ll go,” Tessa said.
Caroline searched her sister’s face. She wanted to understand Tessa’s strong desire to move away, to live somewhere else besides the lighthouse, but she just couldn’t make sense of it—not when her own heart was breaking at the thought of being forced away from the one place she wanted to be.
“I can’t leave the lighthouse now,” he said wearily, his shoulders slumped. “I’ll have a family to support. Sarah and the twins will need someone to take care of them.”
“Caroline can do it,” Tessa suggested.
“Mr. Finick will be back tomorrow to make sure we’re married. And if we leave Caroline here to fend for herself, I have no doubt he’ll send for the sheriff and have her kicked off the grounds.”
Caroline nodded. She wasn’t sure if Mr. Finick would be back tomorrow to check up on whether Ryan married Tessa. He would likely be busy dealing with Arnie. She prayed he wouldn’t let Mr. Simmons sway him out of prosecuting Arnie for setting fire to the lighthouse. Mr. Simmons could be quite persuasive when he wanted to be.
Whatever the case, Mr. Finick would come back to the lighthouse at some point. When he did, he’d make sure Ryan and Tessa were married. And he’d make sure she was gone.
“It’s best for you and Ryan to stay,” Caroline said. “Ryan will take care of all of you, and we won’t have to worry anymore about where we’ll go or what we’ll do.”
Tessa’s eyes flashed. “Don’t tell me what’s best for me! You’ve always tried to run my life. And now that I’m getting married, I don’t want you telling me what to do ever again.”
Tessa’s words echoed in the sudden silence of the house. Even the boys in Sarah’s room had grown quiet.
“If you stopped thinking like a selfish child,” Caroline said, “maybe I wouldn’t have to tell you what to do.”
“You’re just jealous,” Tessa shot back. “You’re jealous that I get Ryan and you don’t.”
“How I feel about Ryan has nothing to do with it. He has a good job here at the light; he’ll be able to provide for you. And he’s willing to let Sarah and the boys stay here. What more could we ask for?”
“It’s a good job for you, but Ryan doesn’t love this place like you do. I can tell.”
Ryan’s mouth wa
s partly open as if he’d tried to speak but was unable to get any words out.
“It doesn’t matter how he feels about it. It’s a job. And that’s all that counts at this point.”
“What matters is that Ryan and I are happy together.”
“What matters is that you think about others for a change.” Caroline knew she wasn’t being fair in her accusations. Tessa tirelessly cared for Sarah and the twins. She did more than most girls her age to help run the house. Even so, she was being entirely too selfish.
Ryan used the pause in their conversation to speak up. “Listen. The situation isn’t ideal for any of us. But now we have to make the best of what’s happened.” Tessa opened her mouth to reply, but Ryan continued before she could interrupt. “Tessa, whether you like it or not, we’re making our home here.” His expression then turned grave. “I hope that if we work hard enough, we’ll be able to be happy together anywhere.”
Another shard of jealousy poked at Caroline, and she had to busy herself again with the linen scraps in order to hide a wave of hurt.
Tessa crossed to him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and laid her head against his chest.
Ryan stood awkwardly without returning the embrace. After a few seconds, he patted her back.
“Please . . .” Tessa tilted her head and peered up at him with her most beguiling smile, her eyes enticing. “Please won’t you take me away from here? Someplace where we can be together, just you and me, where we can start our life together without all the worries of the lighthouse?”
Above Tessa’s head, Ryan’s gaze collided with Caroline’s. For an instant the pain and regret in his eyes mingled together so tangibly that it made her own heart ache with such intensity, tears pricked the backs of her eyes.
She had to look away. She couldn’t let him see how much it hurt her to see him with Tessa.
“We’re staying here,” he said, his voice taking on a sudden edge. “This will be our home. Please resign yourself to the fact.”
With that, he extricated himself from Tessa’s embrace and stepped back. Her lips drooped into a pout, but she didn’t say anything else.
He didn’t speak again either. He grabbed his coat from off a chair and left the room, leaving Caroline and Tessa alone in silence.
For a long while, neither of them moved.
Finally, Tessa shoved a chair back under the table with a clatter. “I hope you’re happy,” she hissed.
“Why would I be happy?” Caroline’s heart was breaking.
“You got Ryan to stay here, that’s why. And now you’ll work your best to woo him away from me.”
Caroline’s anger boiled over. “Stop it, Tessa! Just stop it. You know Ryan and I cared about each other. You know he wanted to marry me. But you decided to take him for yourself regardless. And now you have to continue to make things completely unbearable.”
Remorse flashed in Tessa’s eyes for a brief instant. But she shook her head and glowered back. “If he wanted you so much, then why did he fall into bed so easily with me?”
Caroline had already asked herself that question and had no answer.
“You know I’m telling the truth,” Tessa added, lifting her chin.
Once again, Caroline couldn’t keep from wondering what had gone wrong with her relationship with the girl. What had she done to make Tessa dislike her so much? Sadness settled over Caroline. She’d tried to raise Tessa the way her mother would have wanted, yet somewhere along the way she’d failed her sister.
“Well, I’m moving out tomorrow,” Caroline said. “So I won’t be here to interfere in your relationship with Ryan. Believe it or not, I want you both to be happy . . .”
She was embarrassed when her voice cracked, and she spun away from Tessa before she saw the tears that hovered too near the surface.
Tessa didn’t speak for a long moment. Finally, Caroline heard Tessa’s footsteps softly cross the room and fade down the hallway.
Once she was alone, a sob rose up before she could stop it. It burst out, but she quickly pressed a hand to her mouth to keep back the rest of the sobs swelling in her chest. Her shoulders heaved silently as tears coursed down her cheeks.
Nothing compared to the pain of losing a sister to animosity and anger. Except losing the man she loved too.
The night seemed eternal. But even so, Caroline still wasn’t ready for it to end at the first hint of dawn.
On the one hand, she felt a measure of pride that Ryan had completed all the duties flawlessly during the night, that she hadn’t needed to go up to help him. On the other hand, she wasn’t ready to face the new day and all that it would bring.
In the darkness she slipped into her clothes, the coldness of the unheated bedroom filtering into her flesh all the way to her bones. Rubbing her arms through her thick knitted shawl, she tiptoed down the hallway past Sarah’s closed door.
She tried not to think about the fact that this was Tessa’s last night sleeping with Sarah, that from now on she’d share the bed with Ryan, that he’d wrap his arms around Tessa and bestow upon her his passionate kisses.
And she tried not to think about the fact that this was her final night staying at the lighthouse. The last night she’d be able to call it home. In a few hours she’d leave, and if she ever returned, she’d do so as a guest.
As she stepped into the dark kitchen, she was surprised to find a yellow glow already fanned to life in the stove.
“Caroline.”
She jumped at the soft murmur that came from the table, followed by sniffling.
Through the dimness she saw Tessa’s hunched form.
“Tessa?” Caroline whispered in surprise. “Why are you up so early?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” Tessa’s tone was laced with misery.
“I couldn’t sleep much either,” she admitted. “Change is never easy. Not for any of us.”
Tessa sniffled louder.
Caroline reached for the back of the nearest chair, unsure if she should go to Tessa and comfort her or pretend she didn’t hear her crying. For a long moment, silence stretched between them.
“I’m sorry for getting upset at you last night,” Caroline finally said. And once her words were out, a weight lifted from her chest. No matter that her relationship with Tessa was strained, at least she could try to part ways in peace. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you—”
“You had every right to be angry with me,” Tessa said, cutting her off. “I’m a horrible person!” With the declaration echoing in the quiet of the kitchen, Tessa buried her face in her hands and erupted into heartrending sobs.
Caroline knew she couldn’t ignore the crying any longer. She rounded the table and didn’t hesitate to put her arms around Tessa and draw her into an embrace.
Tessa held herself unyielding only an instant before collapsing against Caroline and sobbing harder.
“Shhh . . .” Caroline murmured, pressing a kiss against Tessa’s wavy hair. “Everything will be all right.”
“It won’t be all right!” Tessa wailed into Caroline’s shoulder.
Caroline hugged her sister tighter and rubbed her back in an effort to soothe her, just as she’d done when Tessa was little.
“You’re just frightened,” Caroline whispered. “Every girl has jitters on her wedding day. It’s normal.”
“I’m not frightened.” Tessa pulled back and wiped at her cheeks and nose with her sleeve. “I just hate myself.”
“Hate?” Caroline smoothed Tessa’s hair. “That’s a strong word.”
“And you’ll hate me too—”
“I could never hate you.”
“You will once you find out what I did.”
Fresh dread pummeled Caroline, and her muscles strained to pull away from Tessa. But she also needed to stand by her word. She’d promised Tessa that she would never hate her. How could she prove it if she distanced herself at the first hint of bad news?
Tessa sniffled again, then said, “I lied, Caroline.”
“About what?”
“About sleeping with Ryan.”
Caroline froze. She wasn’t sure that she’d heard Tessa correctly. She reached for her sister and gripped her arms. “Tell me everything.”
“I didn’t want him to marry you. I wanted him to marry me instead,” Tessa sobbed bitterly. “So I ground up extra pain pills and put it in his birchbark tea after dinner. And then when he started to get groggy, I was the one who pulled out the bottle of whiskey. I was the one who helped him get drunk.”
For a long time, Caroline was speechless, a mix of emotions running through her. “Then he didn’t get drunk on his own?”
Tessa shook her head. “I kept refilling his glass. When he complained of being tired, I told him I’d help him to bed.”
Caroline held her breath, hardly daring to believe what she was hearing. Ryan wasn’t at fault. Tessa had been the one to get him drunk.
“Once he was in bed, he fell right to sleep.”
“So you didn’t share intimacies?” Just speaking the word made Caroline flush.
“I wanted to make it seem like we did, so I undressed us both.” Tessa’s voice was small like that of a child. “And then I crawled in next to him.”
“And you did nothing more than share the bed?”
“No. He was asleep the second his head hit the pillow, and he didn’t wake up until you came in the next morning.”
Caroline struggled to absorb the news. She wasn’t sure if she should be excited or angry.
By the faint glow of the fire in the stove, Tessa’s face was pinched and pale. “He didn’t so much as touch me the entire night.”
Caroline stood back and folded her arms across her chest. Did this mean that Ryan was free of any obligation to Tessa? She had the sinking feeling that he’d still insist on marrying Tessa to keep from tainting her reputation. Even if nothing had happened between them, they’d still been in bed together. And people would gossip about it regardless.
“I’m sorry, Caroline,” Tessa said, her tone subdued. “After our talk last night, I realized I don’t love Ryan. I don’t even think I like him.” Her voice dropped even more. “But I can see that you love him. And he loves you too. I could see how miserable he was last night because he had to marry me and not you.”