by Mia Ford
“Look, your father doesn’t think that it’s ‘totally fine’.” He actually does air quotes like an asshole. “He wanted me to have a meeting with you because he doesn’t think that things are going well at all. You aren’t here enough, you’re always out partying, and it’s starting to get in the way of business. We are losing contracts because people don’t know that they can trust you. It’s affecting all of us now.”
I roll my eyes and look away. “It doesn’t matter. We make so much money that a few contracts from a few stuck up assholes don’t matter. Why would my father even give a shit? And if he does care that much, then why isn’t he here giving me this bullshit speech himself?”
“You really want you father to come down here?” He folds his arms across his chest, knowing that he has me. The last thing I want is my dad showing up and throwing his weight around. “Exactly, that’s what I thought. So, instead of me calling him and getting him down here, me and you are going to have a talk and make things right. We aren’t leaving this board room until we have to come to some sort of agreement.”
“Right, I see. So, you’re here to give me some serious shit and then we can leave. Get it over with then.”
“No, no, no, this isn’t going to be something that we just ‘get over’, this is going to be something that we discuss properly like adults and we will be on the same page when were.”
“I’ll come into the office more. Does that make you happy?”
“No… well, yes, that is something that we’re aiming for, but it isn’t the only end goal. There are a lot of changes that we need to make. You are a smart man, Isaac, a very smart man. Your father paid out of his ass to make sure that you got the best education. He gave you the job managing his most successful company because he believes in you, he thinks that you can make it work. He wants more for you than it seems like you want for yourself. I really think that it’s time to grow the hell up and start to realize what you have here.”
My blood boils, a red mist descends. A temper that I have never felt so powerfully before overcomes me. How dare he? Yes, I know that I have been given chance after chance, and that I’ve had it all, but that’s just because my father wanted to mold me into another version of him. That’s what all of this is about really. He doesn’t want me to break free, to go out on my own in the world, to make my own path.
I want to make my own path, but instead I’ve been a fucking idiot and taken the easy way out, always. I’ve done what my father wanted, I’ve become the molded version of what he wants.
“I care about this job, you know,” I spit out. “I do want to do well here, but I don’t want the…”
“If you want to be here,” Charlie interrupts, refusing to let me get into my impassioned speech. “Then you need to show it. You need to make things better. You need to prove to your father and everyone else that you give a shit and you want to make this work. Because right now, no one can see it.”
I let those words wash over me for a moment. Is he right? Do I need to change? To pull my finger out my ass and start being a better version of who I already am? I do love partying and fucking around, and I hate getting up early… but I could do better, couldn’t I? Prove to the world… or would that be me becoming more of a mold?
“Whatever, Charlie.” I just want this bullshit meeting over with now. “I will make more effort.”
“I don’t know if I quite believe you. It doesn’t feel right.”
“I can’t tell you, can I? It doesn’t work like that. I’ll prove it to you.”
Charlie says nothing, he simply continues to stare me down like I’m a piece of dirt underneath his shoes. We both know that I’m lying, but he could at least pretend that he thinks I might be speaking the truth, for both of our benefits. This is the way that our relationship works best.
I slowly start edging my way towards the door, searching for a rapid escape but before I get there, it seems like Charlie has one last dig to get in. I should have known that he’d do this. This is his favorite.
“Oh, and Isaac, why did Amelia quit? That must make your workload worse…”
I roll my eyes and stare at the door, willing time to pass so I can go inside. “She got another job.”
“She didn’t though, did she? Because I read the full report that she sent to HR.”
“Oh fuck.” This isn’t good, this is going to end up in a real mess. “Okay, well it is what it is.”
“She quit because of you. Because of your behavior. And you know what I’m talking about.” He gives me a meaningful look. “That is something I believe we should properly discuss.”
“No, we’re done here, Charlie. We don’t need to discuss that at all. We’re done talking. What are you going to do? Give me a warning? We both know that shit won’t fly."
Charlie is silenced. He knows this is right, he can’t touch me. There isn’t a damn thing that he can do.
“Well, look, we at least need to get a replacement for her, don’t we? This office was practically run by Amelia. Especially when you weren’t around too much. We need someone to fit in.”
For a brief moment, that idea annoys the living hell out of me. I don’t want to be told what to do, to know that he thinks I’m not good enough to work this shit out alone. Especially since I’ve just told him that I’m going to be in the office more in the future. But then I think of the possibilities… a new girl around the office… could be fun. I’m growing tired of all the ones that we have around at the moment, that’s why I don’t bother.
“Okay, fine. I’m going to get a new PA. Does that make you happy?”
Charlie shakes his head, giving up on me. “Sure, that’s fine, but make it quick. Because I might have already read the report, but your father hasn’t yet. He will treat you with more aggression than I ever could.”
“I know, I know, my father is a bastard. He will kill me. Whatever. Can I go now?”
“Yes, I suppose so, I just want to… I just want things to be better around here. Acting as a go between isn’t my main job, yet it seems to be all I do. Trying to make you and your father happy, and it’s getting exhausting when neither of you seems to care about how the other one feels.”
That strikes me a bit, but only for a moment. “Yeah, see, it isn’t just me. He’s just as bad. I’m not on my own in this cycle. You know that as well as I do. Don’t pretend that you don’t see it, Charlie.”
I’m burning all over, full of anger. It isn’t fair. We’re both adults, him even more so than me since he’s been doing it for a lot longer, so why exactly does all the stress need to rest only on my shoulders?
“One of you needs to break the loop, that’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“Well, it shouldn’t have to be me. You’re right, I agree, but I don’t see why it should have to be me.”
With that, I stalk out and I slam the door behind me. I head all the way to my office, and I take a seat in my super comfortable office chair. It’s nice to be here, where I can relax. I have it this way on purpose so I can sleep it off if I need to. But today I guess there won’t be any sleeping. Today I’m going to have to get this job ad sorted so I can get a new PA in here sooner rather than later. I suppose it’s best for me to appease Charlie. I really don’t want my dad coming down here. He’s always a mega dick when he comes in.
“Right, so what do I want?” I mutter to myself. “What qualities do I need in a PA?”
I know what qualities that I want, but they might not be right so I guess all that I can do is get a big standard message out into the world, one that represents the ‘company values’ and go from there. See who comes in.
“God, I need to get out of here,” I mutter to myself. “I should strike out on my own.”
I want to, and I have some ideas as well. I kinda know what I want, but I’m scared. I guess being on my own would be a big risk and I’d really have to commit to it. That terrifies me, so does the idea of failure. I can’t handle it. Which is why I stay here, stuck in th
is loop that I don’t like one bit. In this job, with no way out.
Fear. That’s why.
“Coward.”
I hate myself for it, especially when I’m so confident in other areas of my life. But I suppose at least my cowardice is deep inside where no one can see it. Except my father. I think that he might see it which is half of the problem between us. I hate anyone knowing what’s going on underneath the surface and seeing who I really am. It’s why I don’t let anyone in properly. I have my flings, my fun, but I don’t let anyone ever get to know the real me.
I don’t screw around and party all the time just because I want to, although I do like it, I do that because I have to. Because it keeps me who I am… or it keeps the mask on anyway. Right where I need it to be.
Chapter Five
Lexi
Fuck. My brain races at the speed of light. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel way out of my depth, like I’m spinning out of control. If this wasn’t absolutely necessary, then there’s no way in hell that I would be on the subway now, heading to the posh end of the city where I really won’t fit in, to interview for a job that I know I won’t get.
I’ve taken a day off from work for this, I’m missing out on a whole shift at the restaurant, which is money that I’m really going to miss… all because I got called in for an interview, probably just to fill up a quota. In this day and age, people probably need to have a certain amount of no hopers come in, just to make up numbers or make themselves look good. Honestly, if the salary wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t even be considering this. But it is. It’s the sort of money that could make a real difference in Jane’s life.
That’s why I need to do this, that’s why I have to give it a try, even if it’s hopeless. For her. I’ve been reading the documentation, trying to see how good this treatment could be, and while it’s experimental with no guarantees, it could really work. The initial testing has been positive, and I need to strive for that.
I just hope that whoever is interviewing me, sees through the lack of experience I have. I need this. If anyone knew what I was going through, they would know how hard I’d work for them, but I can’t say that, can I? I can’t beg. I will just have to make sure that I show the interviewer how dedicated I can be.
You can do this, I try my hardest to convince myself as we pull into the subway station. You can. You are worthwhile, you have the skills that people will want. You can make this work for yourself.
But this isn’t for me, thank goodness, it’s for the one person in the world who inspires me. Admittedly, I falter when I walk down the street and I see the building where I’m hoping to get a job. It’s just so sleek and professional. None of the people that I’m used to serving and dealing with would set foot in here. Kick ass women with sparky attitudes and dirty infectious laughs. Men with dirty shoes and grease on their clothes. No, this will be suits, suits, and more suits. Not my sort of people at all. But I’m doing my best. I’m wearing the closest thing to a suit that I own today, since I couldn’t afford anything new. Maybe if I hadn’t chucked money at Will on that date, trying to prove that I’m not the sort of woman who needs to be paid for… but I do, I could have got myself something new.
Still, a white blouse with a bow at the neckline, a navy blue blazer, and a black pencil skirt will do. Plus, heels so sky high that I can barely walk in them, and stockings with a line up the back of my leg. Sure, you can still see some of my tattoos, they are impossible to hide, but I’m still looking about as good as I can. I think. I even braided my hair to keep it off my face. It’s the smartest that I can possibly look, so it will have to work. I need to be good enough. I’ve made a serious effort on Jane’s behalf.
I suck in a couple of deep breaths before I finally brave taking a step inside. I’m shaking, I’ve lost too much confidence for my liking. I need to get it back, to remember who I am. I step towards the reception desk where I find a woman with bright red lips and nails almost as long as my fingers. She has a prissy, cheerleader look about her, and I stupidly find myself intimidated, like I’m still in high school.
“Err, hello?” My voice is weak, I’m falling apart already, and I haven’t even got to the interview part yet. If I had any pride at all I would turn around and run for the hills. Forgetting everything. “I’m here for the…”
“Interview,” she replies, making a real effort to sound bored. “Over there.”
She points to an area of the clean white room that almost gleams it’s so bright, and there I find myself looking at a bunch of clones. Or they might as well be clones. They are all sleek and smooth looking, with poker straight hair in various shades of brown, and proper pant suits. Every single one of them would look right here, unlike me. I’m the only one who would stand out like a sore thumb.
I sigh loudly, my head shaking as a sense of regret overcomes me. I feel eyes darting towards me every so often, the other girls wanting to know who this person is that’s sitting among them. I can’t help but wonder why there aren’t any guys here. It’s weird, some must have applied for the position… perhaps the boss is a giant perv who only wants a female to be his personal assistant. No… surely not. That can’t be right. No one is like that these days, surely. It’s illegal… or against human rights or something. I don’t know.
Eventually, a name is called, and someone has to go into the office meaning that my time is growing near. If I let them, my nerves will get the better of me, and since I’m already at a major disadvantage here I want to be calm, as much as I can. I need something to distract myself, to calm myself down and there is only one person who can help me with that. Someone I wish could be here with me instead of at the hospital.
Thank goodness I told her about this job interview, even if I didn’t tell her why I want it.
Lexi: I’m not going to get this job, Jane. I don’t fit in at all. Help me xx
I tap my foot nervously on the floor while I wait for a reply. As far as I know, Jane doesn’t have anything specific today, medical treatment wise, so she should be able to respond pretty quickly.
Jane: Remember how kick ass you are, Lexi. You’re better than any of those bitches xx
I smile to myself, imagining her saying those words in my ear. I might not have ever believed in myself, but Jane has always been my biggest supporter. And she’s never pushed me to be more than I am. She was happy for me to scoot by being a waitress, even as she trained to be a lawyer, as long as I was happy.
Fucking hell, I really can’t lose her. How am I going to make this work?
Lexi: This place is intimidating, I don’t know if I can do it xx
Jane: I’m sorry, who the hell is this texting me? You don’t sound like Lexi at all xx
Lexi: I know, I know, but I’m in a strange situation. It’s making me crazy xx
Jane: Crazy is good… you’re at your best when you’re crazy xx
As another name is called out, I use the chance to head into the bathroom. Luckily, it’s very clearly labeled so I don’t need to ask any of the terrifying staff members where it is.
“Woah.” I shake my head in shock. “This bathroom is luxury. Don’t these people have anything crummy?” It might be a weird thing to wish for, but crummy I understand, crummy I can do.
I take the chance to use the facilities, for what I’m sure will be the first and the last time, and I carefully wash my hands using the liquid soap that smells like actual flowers. Almost good enough to eat. Then I gaze into the mirror to check my reflection. I want to reassure myself that my look isn’t getting any better than it is. Unfortunately, the soft beautiful lighting makes me look amazing. It’s the sort of lighting used in the changing rooms at clothes stores to make you look so good in the clothes that you feel compelled to buy them… only to get them home and realize that you don’t look like a goddess after all.
“Pretend this is you,” I tell myself softly. “Act like this is how you look. Take that confidence and ace this. For Jane. G
et that treatment for her and give her a chance.”
God, I need to seriously pull my head out of my ass. Nerves and inadequacies are pointless when there’s a life at stake. And the life of the best person in the world. What the hell is wrong with me?
After a few moments of gearing myself up, I make my way back out into the waiting room, where I take my seat among the clones. Perhaps that will work in my favor. Maybe being that little bit different will help me to stand out… I just hope for the right reasons. Making my interviewer want to hire me.
I can be a personal assistant, can’t I? Surely it isn’t too challenging? I might not know how to do admin, but I can learn. Anything can be learned, I’m sure. If I really put my mind to it, I can pick it up. And who knows, I might even end up enjoying it. Stranger things have happened.
Name after name is called into the room. The clones thin out. The longer this process takes, the more on edge I become. What if they have already picked who they want, and this is just a formality now? How will I make myself stand out then? How will I sway a bunch of stuck up toffs who will look at my tattoos in disgust?
Despite the fact that I’ve been waiting for this moment for ages, my name is called out and it’s time to go inside. I nod and rise to my feet, praying that I won’t fall over as I walk. Curious eyes explore me as I go, making it extremely challenging to make each step, but I do it. I should be used to people staring at me by now, because I decide to look a little out of the ordinary. It happens all the time, but in this situation, it almost overshadows what I’m trying to do here.
Jane, Jane, Jane, I think with every clip clop of my heels against the marble floor. Don’t forget Jane.
As I’m shown to the door to the room where my fate will be decided, I suck in a deep breath and smooth my outfit down one last time, trying to do everything that I can to give me the best chance. Then I rise my trembling hand and I turn the doorknob, plastering a bright fake smile on my face as I do…