by Mia Ford
“Okay, so do you want to discuss options?”
“To be honest, I just want to wrap my head around it before I discuss anything.”
“How about I give you some flyers then? You can take the information home with you and look at it at your own leisure when you’re in a better frame of mind to consider things.”
I nod, numb still. “And you’re sure about this? There’s no chance you’ve made a mistake.”
“Miss Tyler, you are having a baby, I am sure of it.”
Fuck. Of all the options that I considered, this was never one…
Dear Isaac Janie,
I am sorry to hand in my resignation like this, but I cannot continue working for you. My personal life is now becoming too overwhelming and I can’t hold it all together…
“No.” I shake my head and drop my pen. “That won’t work. He’ll know I’m lying.”
This is about the thirtieth letter that I have written, and none of them are working. I just can’t find the right excuse to leave the personal assistant job that I definitely can’t continue to hold down with this giant secret swimming around inside of me. It isn’t exactly something to easily keep a secret anyway, is it? As the baby grows, so will my stomach and Isaac will immediately know what’s going on.
He’ll know the baby is his and it will freak him out. I don’t want us to end this way.
It’ll be nice to end things on as good a point as they can be, and that last time we shared was incredible. Me and him hugging in his bed, all the worries in the world melting away because we were together. I would much prefer that, than an intense fiery argument where me and my child get rejected and my heart is shattered.
I know that I should probably just tell him, that he has a right to know because it’s his baby too, but my gut is telling me this is the wrong thing to do. I might even be protecting him by keeping it from him. I don’t know.
I touch my hand to my belly, feeling an intense power surging through me. Now that I know, it feels incredible to me that I went through all that time unaware that I had a baby inside of me. It’s just so obvious. I know I have that information from the doctor, that I have options available to me, but really there is only one choice. This baby is mine, he or she belongs to me, and is my family. I’m running low on family. I need all I can get. Also, there’s a boundless love, like nothing I have ever felt before, surging all the way through me. It really is unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. It’s deeper, powerful, shocking, bolting. It’s the best thing in the world. I’m sure it will only get better when my baby is born, and my life moves to another chapter.
I am going to have this baby, and I’m going to be the best mom I can. Before my mother passed away, she was a wonderful role model. She has shown me the way and she did it alone, I can do the same. I can allow her memory to live on through my mothering skills. That’s actually quite nice, it’ll be a great way to honor her.
“I just need a plan,” I tell myself. “For me, for Jane, and for the baby.”
It’s another weight, it’s far more pressure, but like I always do, I will raise my head high and get through it. I will suck in a few breaths, roll my shoulders back, and I will keep on going forwards.
“Maybe I don’t need to write a stupid letter of resignation. I might even be fired anyway.”
People don’t just get away with not going into work all the time, and I do have a whole lot of voice mails that I know are from Isaac… I just can’t face listening to them. Even now, when I know I should, I don’t.
“This problem might all just go away, huh, little one, what do you think?”
It’s almost laughable, I have gone nuts, but I’m already talking to my little baby. But I’m so much in love. I know that it’s a messed up situation, far from ideal, but this baby was created through love… at least on my behalf. Even though I won’t have that little family that everyone craves, it’s better than nothing. Things don’t have to look a certain way to be happy and perfect.
I make my way over to the couch and collapse onto the cushions, smiling to myself. I have been here for a while, just lying on the couch in sadness, assuming that my life is over, so this is nice. Scary but nice.
“Me and you can do this, can’t we, baby?” There are tears in my eyes. But happy ones. “We can be alone.”
Jane hasn’t been talking to me and she’s hardly been replying to my text messages either, but she’s going to have to stop this blocking me off now. I need to see her, to tell her what’s happening with me.
Lexi: Hey, Jane, I hope that everything is alright with you. I miss you still. Please let me come and see you soon, I have some big news that I absolutely need to share with you. Love you so much, Lexi xxx
I wait impatiently a few moments, but I don’t get a reply. She’s probably just sleeping, it seems like she’s been really tired recently. I guess the treatment isn’t getting any better for her, which sucks, but I suppose as long as it’s working, that’s the main thing. She’ll love this, I’m sure it will give her hope and push her forwards. It’ll give her something new to think about while she’s suffering in the damn hospital, trying to recover.
“Everything surely changed today,” I tell myself, or maybe my baby, with a laugh. “Just not in the way that I was expecting. I can handle the sickness, knowing that it’s for you, my little one. I can take anything.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Isaac
I leave the office practically skipping, glad to be done for the week. No one else knows it yet, but my plans are really starting to come together. After a lot of research, I know what I want to do, and I’m slowly starting to work out how I’m going to make it happen. I’m going to use Lexi as an inspiration, and work for something that means a lot to me. What I want is to help young people with troubles, particular those who have lost parents. It must be a scary time, and I can’t even begin to imagine what they would do. What I want is to offer jobs or help people get jobs, assist them with finding apartments, that sort of thing. Plus, the therapy side and the emotional support. I will do fundraisers and sell goods on the side to help fund this, plus I think there will be a lot of people who want to volunteer their services to help me out with such a good cause. I might even work with the hospital.
It’s a lot. I know it is, it will be an uphill battle and take a lot from me, but I’m passionate about it. It helps people and it’s something that I really want to do… not like this marketing company.
But there is one person that I really want to share all of this with, and I haven’t.
I call Lexi, like I do every single day, and she doesn’t answer, the same as every day. I think that it’s clear now that she doesn’t want anything to do with me, but I can’t accept that. I don’t know what I did wrong.
“I need to see her,” I mutter to myself. “I need to figure this out.”
I don’t know where she lives though, that’s the issue. I don’t know how I’m supposed to see her. There’s only one place she might be, and as much as it’s kinda sucky to do this, I’m going to go to the hospital and find out if she’s with her sister. I just need to see her even once to find out what’s going on with her.
I dive into my car and head in the direction of the hospital, zig zagging between happy and sad. I’m pleased that my life is heading in the right direction, however slowly that might be happening, but I’m sad Lexi isn’t in it. She’s my sunshine, everything is so much better when she’s around.
By the time I get to the hospital, I’ve turned to pure nerves. Everything else slides to the side and I’m a mess. I have to wait for a few moments, sucking in deep and panicked breaths, and I eventually step out. I keep an air of cool confidence around me as I walk, but internally I’m a shaky mess.
“Hi,” I say to the receptionist sitting behind the main desk. “I’m looking for Jane Tyler.”
I put my best smile on my face, and I give her the puppy dog eyes. This look has gotten me my own way a lot of times w
hich is why I’ve pulled it off again. I have never needed it more than this.
Her expression is stoic, but I can see myself wearing her down. Ever so slowly, her lips turn up and she ends up grinning at me too. “Okay, sure I will just look up the name and see which department she’s in.”
It takes a couple of minutes but once I get the department, I head there quickly. My sweet talking doesn’t work quite as quickly with the nurses, they are much harder to melt, but eventually I do it. The nurse walks me towards a room where I find a woman with similar features to Lexi, although she’s clearly a lot sicker.
She groans and turns over in the bed, her eyes widening with shock as she sees me. She tries to sit up straighter, but it seems like the pain pins her back down again. I feel terrible, I didn’t want to create this issue.
“Who are you?” she moans. “I thought that you were Lexi coming to see me…”
“Lexi isn’t here?” I ask, unable to keep the disappointment from my voice.
“No, she hasn’t been here for a long time. I keep pushing her away. I… well, that’s why I thought that it might be her, actually. She said that she has something to tell me. But in a selfish way, I didn’t answer her because I don’t want her to see me like this. I thought that she might have come anyway, but…”
Oh God, something really bad has been happening. “I thought she was here because she hasn’t been at work.”
“She hasn’t?” Jane looks really confused. “That’s not like her. Lexi is a very reliable person.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. But I know that she’s wanted to be with you a lot…” Jane’s face falls. Immediately, I know that was the wrong thing to say. “I mean, well… there’s obviously a reason.”
A tear rolls down her cheek, she looks gutted. “I’ve hurt her. I’m really sorry, it sucks. I bet I’ve really made her sad, not letting her come. I thought that I was doing her a favor, but I guess not.” She lets out an awkward laugh. “I told her to get a life, I didn’t want her to waste all of her time here at the hospital with me, but now I feel what I’ve actually done is push her further into her shell. I feel awful.”
I can’t stop myself anymore. This woman needs comfort and I’m going to give it to her. I race to her side and wrap an arm around her, hugging her. She leans into me, gaining at least some relief from my comfort.
“So, you are Lexi’s boss?” she eventually asks me in a quiet voice. “The guy from the restaurant.”
“Yeah.” I smile at the memory. “That’s me. I take it you have heard of me.”
Jane pulls back to look at me. “Yes, and I have to let you know that I was on your side from the start.”
“My side?” I furrow my brows at her. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well, it was obvious that Will wasn’t going to be the guy for her, but I saw a new passion in Lexi when she began talking about you. Sure, it was laced with hate at first, but it soon changed to something more.”
I can just imagine the conversation between them right now after my hilariously rude behavior during her date.
“I think she might be falling for you,” Jane tells me. “I think that’s been happening for ages.”
“Has she said that to you?” My heart skips about ten beats. “She’s talked about her feelings?”
“She’s never said it in those words, but I know my sister and she’s falling for you.”
“I’m falling for her too.” It feels so freeing to say those words aloud. It may not be the right person to say it to, I probably should have said those things to Lexi first, but Jane needs to hear this. “I adore her.”
“I can see it.” She smiles. “I can see how much you care about her and that makes me very happy. All I want is for Lexi to be happy, and since I don’t know what’s going on with me, I don’t know if I will be able to be around forever and it’s good to know that there is someone there for her.”
“I want to be there for her… if she will let me.”
“Yeah, I know what she’s like. I know that she can be very stubborn… we’re both like that. But what I really wanted, was for Lexi to get a proper life for herself and if she would have been doing that while still coming here, I would never have stopped her from seeing me. But now if she is she’s just sitting at home, worrying about me, then I fucked up, bad.”
“I’m sure she will forgive you. Lexi is bound to understand.”
“Will you go and see her?” Jane asks me. “If I give you her address, will you go to her place and check on her? And while you’re there, please let her know that I’m sorry and I really want to see her.”
“Of course I will.” This is ideal, it gives me the perfect excuse to see Lexi. “Anything you need.”
Jane reaches across and grabs some paper and writes down Lexi’s address for me. As she hands it to me, she smiles. “You seem like a really good guy. I’m glad that Lexi has you. Just promise you’ll take care of her.”
A thick ball of emotion lodges in my throat. I don’t know what’s happening with Jane, how this treatment is working out for her, but those words feel heavy and absolutely loaded with meaning.
“I will, I promise that I will take good care of her. I… I love her.”
“That makes me so happy. Thank you, Isaac.”
“You’re welcome, Jane. And it was lovely to meet you.”
“You too, I hope I get to see you again soon. Maybe with Lexi next time.”
“I would love that.”
Emotion floods me as I head out of the hospital. Jane is a wonderful person and she doesn’t deserve anything that’s happening to her. I can see now why this is crushing Lexi as much as it is. I have always wanted to do anything for my girl, and now I know better.
Now, I’m going to be exactly what she needs me to damn well be.
Sadness and guilt weighs heavily down on me as I drive, everything swirls painfully through my system. There is so much heartache in the world. It makes me want my business even more, because it might not be big, but I can still help. If only it was more of a profit maker and I could get my father on board. But he won’t want anything charity related, so this one is all on me. Then again, perhaps that will make it even better.
My thoughts dart all over the place as I speed along the roads, I can’t focus on anything. I’m raw and exposed, a bit of a mess and seeing Lexi is just going to make that worse. I would be scared if she isn’t at her home. But, I know how dedicated she is to her sister and she will just be waiting for the news that Jane wants her to go back to the hospital. I’m glad I can take that information with me. I hope the famous stubbornness doesn’t get in the way and prevent Lexi from going, because those sisters need to reconnect more than anyone in the world. More than ever while Jane is in the hospital. It’s necessary.
“This is going to be good,” I tell myself quietly. “This is the start of the next chapter for us.”
It’ll be slow, it isn’t going to be a whirlwind thing, but I don’t mind that. I’m willing to go at whatever pace Lexi needs because like I said to her sister, I really love her. I never thought that I would be in love, but here I am… fully in. It might even be time to tell that to her. To say those three words aloud.
“I love you,” I practice saying them and it feels really good. “I love you, Lexi. I fucking love you.”
I grin, thinking about what her face is going to be when I say those words. I seriously hope that she’s excited. I hope she says them back to me as well. It’ll be okay if she doesn’t, but I would love it.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lexi
I pace up and down my apartment, checking my email for like the hundredth time to see if I have had any replies to the jobs that I have applied for, but still there’s nothing. I clearly haven’t been fired by Isaac yet, as promised the money is still coming into my account, keeping me afloat and assisting me in paying for Jane’s continued treatment, but I can’t keep that up forever. It isn’t fair. That’s why I need to get another j
ob.
“No one even knows that I’m pregnant!” I yell out in frustration. “Why don’t they want me?”
I throw my phone on to the couch and let out a scream of frustration. I have already done a day outside, strolling the fucking streets and handing out my resume to almost every place that’s hiring. I don’t know if I have the strength to do it again. I just want someone to give me a chance. Anyone. Any job will do. I don’t even care if the pay is shit, I just can’t be sitting idle and doing nothing. I have so much weighing down on me right now, its killing me.
If only I could see Jane. None of this would be quite so intense, if I could just get a chance to see her. The odd message now and again isn’t sustaining me. The fact that she doesn’t even want to know my news is too much.
How can she not want to know? Jane is a massive gossip. She loves this sort of thing. She must be curious. If she had said that to me, then I would be losing my mind over it. I’d need to know right away.
Knock, knock.
I freeze up, immediately panicking for some reason. I almost don’t want to answer the door… but then I recall a shop that I ordered online from, as I didn’t want to go out, and this might be that.
“Coming,” I call out while grabbing my robe. “Hold on, just wait a minute.”
I race to the door and pull it open, expecting to see the face of a stranger, but I’m stunned to the core when I see a face that I know. One that’s been in my dreams, but I’ve ignored that as much as I can in reality.
“I… Isaac?” I stammer. “How are you…? What are you…? How did you end up here?”
I never brought him here, he doesn’t know my address, what the hell is going on? Some warning would have been nice… although maybe he did warn me, and I just ignored the messages like always.