by Mia Ford
My life is over. Without Jane, I don’t know who I am, what I can do, what will happen…
Chapter Thirty-Six
Isaac
Jane: Hi Isaac, I know it’s been a while because you and Lexi have been having your issues, but I know that she loves you and she wants to sort it out. I’m just about to go into treatment but I would love it if you came to the hospital later on to see her. It would make my day if you two could make up once more x
Isaac: Of course I will. I want to make things up with Lexi as well. I have missed her like crazy. I will come in later on and see you both, see what we can do for you. I hope everything goes well xx
I smile to myself as I stare at the messages on my phone, knowing that finally I can see the girls again. It’s been killing me to keep away, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. Lexi needed space and I had to give it to her. But if Jane thinks that she is ready to see me again, then I will be there.
It’s been torture to get through the rest of the day, but at least I have been busy. It’s going to be so exciting to tell Lexi and Jane about my company. I bet they’re going to love it.
I walk the usual route towards Jane’s room, knowing the way now, and I step into her room… but immediately I’m struck by the sense that everything is different. It’s empty, which means that she might still be in treatment, but it isn’t just that. It’s not quite what it was before. I don’t understand…
“Excuse me,” I say to the first staff member that I come across. “Where is Jane Tyler?”
I point to the room behind me and immediately her face falls. I can already tell that this is going to be bad before she opens her mouth, but I’m not expecting what she actually says. That stuns me to the core.
“I’m sorry, Miss Tyler passed away this afternoon, she had some complications with her heart…”
Shit. The world falls out from underneath me. I don’t even know what I’m doing, I barely hear the next words that she says, I just fall into a state of sheer terror. I can’t understand how that’s happened, it doesn’t make any sense. I know that she didn’t look great, the treatment wasn’t making her look healthy, but I didn’t know it was that bad. I thought she was good, I didn’t know that she was anywhere near dying…
“Lexi,” I pant out, knowing this will be killing her. “Oh my God, where’s Lexi?”
I take off, running around panicking like a fucking headless chicken. I don’t know where she is, but I’m assuming she must be in the hospital somewhere. Falling apart probably, dying inside too.
I don’t even realize that I’m crying over the loss of Jane until I notice the wetness of my cheeks. She was a wonderful person. Even though I only knew her personally since she has been sick, but she has such a strong will, a funny personality, a feisty fun loving attitude that would inspire everyone.
Now, she’s been put out like a candle and it’s horrible. The world is worse off without her. Of all the people that could have been taken from this planet, the ones who deserve to go, and Jane is gone.
I gulp down, swallowing down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to breathe again. I might not have known Jane for long, but she’s impacted me deeply. I was so looking forward to seeing her again. I’m so sorry to not have one last visit with her. It hurts.
“Lexi!” I see her bundled on the floor, a collapsed heap, and I know that it’s her. “Lexi, oh my God.”
I hope that she doesn’t push me away as I slide down onto the ground and I scoop her up in my arms. She rests against me, leaning her soaking wet face against me and we cry together. With Lexi in my arms, I feel the loss even more intensely. This was the only person left that Lexi had and now… well I don’t know if she will ever be able to recover. I haven’t experienced grief this intense, so there is only so much I can do.
I move both of us slightly towards the wall so that we aren’t in people’s way, and we just remain there in our own little bubble. I have no idea how much time has passed, what we’re going to do next, and to be honest that doesn’t really matter. All I care about is holding this woman. Comforting her. As much as I can anyway.
“She… she’s gone,” she finally bursts out. “This… this treatment was supposed to make her better. Not kill her. It isn’t fair.” She grips hard on to my soaking wet top. “It’s not right. Jane didn’t deserve to die.”
“I know, I know.” I stroke Lexi’s hair, treating her a little like a child. “I’m sorry.”
“She was good, Isaac. Why didn’t I die? She didn’t deserve to go. I didn’t think… I didn’t think that it would be her. And I wasn’t even here when it happened. I wasn’t even with her.”
I don’t think that Jane would have wanted her to be there because she knew how much this was going to tear her sister apart anyway, but that isn’t what Lexi needs to hear right now, I can just sense it.
“I should have been here, maybe she wouldn’t have died if I was. I could have changed things. I might have saved her… and now, now I just need to be on my own. I won’t ever get her back again. How am I supposed to do that, Isaac? How am I supposed to cope? I don’t understand, it isn’t right, none of this is.”
“I love you, Lexi,” I reassure her as best as I can. “And I will be here through anything. Whatever you need, I am here for it. You aren’t alone. I don’t want you to ever think that, because I am here.”
“I love you too,” she pants back. “I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared to be by myself.”
We remain as we are, until one of the doctors comes to get us, because there are things that need to be done. Since Lexi is a mess throughout, I help her as much as I can. Whenever I can do something, I do, and I’m sure that she’s grateful. She’s just in shock at the moment, unable to react to anything.
Once we’re no longer needed, I get Lexi to lead me back to the motel where she’s been staying. We gather up her things and I pay the rest of the tab, so she doesn’t have to worry. Then I bundle her into my car and take her to my place. I just need to take care of her as much as I can, to ensure that she isn’t alone.
“Come on, Lexi, let me get you in the bed,” I tell her softly. “You need to sleep.”
“I don’t think I will be able to sleep,” she weeps. “I’m too sad, Isaac. I can’t do anything.”
“That’s okay. You don’t need to sleep if you don’t want to. Just lie down. Your body is tired.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I just need to rest.” She allows me to walk her upstairs. “I feel ill.”
She lies down on top of the sheets and I stroke her hair. She cries for a little, which is to be expected, and I remain by her side, holding her until she falls asleep. I knew that she would, she’s absolutely shattered, and I hope that it might help to make her feel little better. I know she’ll never be the same again, that the grief will affect her forever, but I’m hoping that she won’t be as broken in the future.
“I love your sister, Jane,” I whisper into the air as if she’s listening. I don’t know if she will, I’m not totally sure what I believe when it comes to life after death, but it’s comforting to imagine her looking down on me. “I will do what I can to take care of her. Thank you for bringing us together at the right moment.”
It really does seem like she did that, like the message came at the exact right time, almost as if it was her way of giving her sister something. I really don’t like to think she knew that death was coming for her, because it’s absolutely gutting to think she didn’t share that with us, but if she did… then that was her last act.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I sneak my arm out from underneath Lexi and I take my cell phone from my pocket. I exit the room to answer so I don’t wake up Lexi. She needs that rest desperately and if she wakes from it, she won’t go back.
“Hey, Mom.” She’s been calling a lot ever since she sort of fixed things between me and Dad. I think she wants to make sur
e that she knows where we stand every single day. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, Isaac. How are you? How were your meetings today? Your father has been worried…”
God, I almost forgot about all of that. Work flew out the window the moment I heard about Jane.
“Erm, yeah, everything was good, Mom… work wise. But er…” It sticks in my throat, I don’t know how to say it. “Lexi’s sister actually passed away today which was a real shock.”
“Oh no, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry to hear that. How is she? I assume that you’re with her.”
“Yeah, she’s here, she’s sleeping in my bed at the moment, Mom.” I huff loudly. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any experience with this, so I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to be there for her.”
“Just being there is honestly enough. You can’t do any more than that. She will be hurt, upset, mad at times… and all you can do is listen and support her. Help her as much as you can, because she is having your baby and this emotional stress won’t be helpful for her. That’s your most important job.”
“Right.” I nod along to her words. “That makes a lot of sense. Thank you, Mom. I appreciate you helping me.”
“If you need me at any time, just call me. I can come around whenever.”
I agree, but I don’t know if I will take her up on that offer. I don’t think Lexi will want to meet my mom for the first time in that way. I’m sure she would prefer it under better circumstances.
“Thanks, Mom, I appreciate it a lot. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replies with a softness to her tone. “I’m here for you, if you need me.”
Once I hang up the phone to my mom, I step back into the bedroom to see Lexi still asleep. She has a child-like innocence in her eyes, a sadness, a need to be taken care of, and all I want to do is do that for her. Mom’s advice is useful though, she’s right, all I can do is be there.
I want to be here forever now. To be the person that she turns to, no matter what happens. If I could be the man that Lexi needs, then my life’s plan has all come together. I don’t need anything else. I always thought that I did need things, material things which I suppose is learned behavior, but now I know different.
It’s only her.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lexi
I don’t know what is happening, everything races around me in a blur. The days seem to blur in to one long one, all in a fog of deep sadness. Half the time, I don’t know if I even move. I just remain in one place, on Isaac’s bed, hurting more than I ever knew I could. I thought that it was bad when Mom died, but this is worse. A lot worse. I think it’s because I’m alone now, I really don’t have anyone, and that sucks like hell.
Well, not no one. I do have my baby. Every time it gets too much for me, I cup my belly, grateful that while he or she isn’t born yet, I still have some family. That’s what I’m living for now, my child, that’s the only reason that I have to keep on going. To eat, to sleep, to drink water, to breathe… to do what Jane would want.
“Lexi.” Isaac touches me softly, bringing me back to the present moment for a second. “Did you want to take a look at the flowers with me? I know this is hard, but choices need to be made for the funeral.”
“Yellow,” I mutter quietly. “Yellow flowers were her favorite. Any yellow.”
“You don’t want to take a look at them with me? I have all the flyers to look at.”
“I can’t handle it,” I admit. “It’s too much. Please can you do it for me?”
I honestly don’t know what I would do without him here. I’m putting a lot on him, I know I am. I should be dealing with the funeral myself, being Jane’s only family left alive, but I just can’t deal with it. I can’t even begin to imagine laying my sister to rest and never seeing her again. It isn’t supposed to be like this, I can’t stop thinking that she’s supposed to be better now. The treatment is supposed to have worked and we should be thinking about her coming out of the hospital, planning for the future, thinking of her meeting my baby, not planning her funeral so that we don’t ever see her again. None of this is right.
“Okay, well if there’s anything you want to help me with then let me know…”
Just as Isaac starts to leave the room, I reach out and grab his hand and hold him tight. I can’t say the words aloud, but I hope that he knows how much he means to me, how much this means to me.
“Hey, Isaac,” I practically whisper. “How did you know?” This has only just hit me. “Where to find me?”
I don’t even need to explain, he knows what I’m talking about. The day. The worst day of my life.
“Jane text me,” he replies. “Earlier that day. She asked me to come, so that we could speak. She knew that we wanted to speak and sort things out, so she asked me to come that evening.”
I clutch his fingers tighter as these words wash over me. Jane knew, she must have. She must have sensed that something was coming for her, and this is the last thing she could do for me. Again, she’s making me get a life, again she’s thinking of only me and not herself. She’s such a wonderful and selfless person, I love her so much… she has made sure that I’m okay, even after death. I need to hold onto this. To keep Isaac forever, because I know that’s what Jane wanted. This is her last wish for me… thank goodness I love him.
“She would do anything for you,” he continues with a loving softness to his voice. “She loved you so much.”
“You know what.” I swing my legs around and force myself into a sitting position. My head spins, I’m consumed by a dizziness for a moment, but I cling to the sheets to keep myself upright. “I will help you with the flowers. It’s not going to be easy, but I will. Because Jane would do it for me.”
Isaac smiles and lifts me to my feet, supporting me through everything. I lean against him, emotionally and physically as we walk down the stairs. I don’t know how much strength I have to face this, but I’m going to try.
It’s challenging to sit and look through funeral flyers, to know what I’m picking everything for, but I have to admit that it does give me a bit of strength. I do feel positive that I’m doing something for Jane. She has given me so much more than she will ever know, and it’s time to give her something back.
“You’re doing good,” Isaac reassures me with a smile. “Your sister would be proud.”
I tilt my head back and try to think about Jane as only the person that she was before she was sick. I need to remember that as I plan this funeral. I would only want it to reflect the person I was without the illness, and I know she would too. “We need to plan the music as well,” I shoot. “Music is important to Jane.”
Isaac never comments as I refer to Jane in the present tense, which is good, because I don’t think I’ll stop.
“Does she have any favorites? Any songs that are special to the both of you?”
“I’ll be able to think of something. Let me go and get all our old CD’s. Can we go look at my place?”
My apartment is more of a storage space at the moment, and I haven’t been back there, but now I have the inspiration to do so. Music is a great way to remember the positive, and that’s what I need right now.
“Of course we can. Let’s go right now. Get anything that you want.”
I know that Isaac still wants me to move in with him, and I’m getting closer to cracking. I don’t want to make any life changing decisions though all of this fog, but it seems like there isn’t anything holding me back anymore. Life is too short to not be happy. If I want anything then I should go for it…
There are a lot of people here. A lot. I thought that Jane had pushed a lot of people away during her illness, but they are all here now to celebrate her life, say goodbye to her. It’s emotional as I glance around the church, seeing all the people who have had their lives touched by my sister, even including people from the hospital. It feels thick in my throat, it’s hard to hold it together. But I need to. Just for a little while
longer.
I touch my belly which is becoming more of a bump every moment, and I find some strength from my child. Today, it feels more than ever like Jane is looking down on me, flooding me with her warmth and love. I love the way that her presence makes me feel. It’s a little easier knowing that I’m not alone.
“Are you okay?” Isaac asks me quietly. “Do you need me to do anything?”
“I’m good.” I suck in a couple of deep breaths. “At least, I think I am.”
I have been asked to talk, to read a poem or something, but I can’t. At least, not in front of everyone, I will crumble. I know that Jane would do it for me, but I also think she’d understand. I’m going to speak my words of love only to her, so she knows how I feel… although I think she knows anyway.
“Let’s take our seats. I think it’s about to start now.”
I allow him to take me and listen intently to the service. The priest is friendly, he’s caring, and that’s why I chose him. I know that he’ll be able to do Jane justice… and he does. He really does. His words make me well up, but I’m not crying with sadness, I’m just remembering how awesome Jane was. Every moment that we shared together in our lives flows through my memory, and I feel really good as they do. It was short, Jane’s time on this planet didn’t last nearly long enough, but she had a good time while she was here. She made the most of it.
I suppose at least her and our mom are together now, which is something.
The service is lovely. Everything goes well, and I feel great knowing that I had a hand in it. Sure, Isaac did the majority because he had to while I fell apart, but I had an input and I can really feel it. Once the service is over, it’s time to head outside, to see her coffin being lowered into the ground. It’s probably the hardest bit of all, I get really choked up about it, but I just about manage to hold it together.