by Zoe Chant
“So,” she said. “There's an evil pack of werewolves who want to kill you so you don't talk and will want to kill me if they find out I've talked to you. They're watching all three towns in the area and anywhere we could get you medical help and probably the roads out of the area, too. And our only chance to avoid them is for you to disappear for so long they decide you died of exposure in the woods. Great. Anything else I should know?”
“Actually,” he said, “There is something.”
Chapter Five
Anna felt weirdly detached from the reality of the situation. It was like they were talking about some summer blockbuster's plot instead of real life. That might be good, because when she came down to earth there might be screaming.
“Oh, well,” she said. “What's one more thing? Go on.”
“It's not about the pack. Well, not directly.” Joshua was avoiding her eyes again and picking at the stir fry. How fast he ate it would be flattering if she was sure he'd eaten anything else recently at all.
“So what is it?” she asked.
“It's about werewolves. And how we work. There's – before I tell you this, I want to make sure I say that nothing's decided. I'm talking about something that could happen, theoretically, if we decided to go ahead and let it happen. Nothing is set in stone, okay?”
“Okay,” she said slowly. She was slightly alarmed by the word “we” in that sentence. And the way he seemed to be preparing to ask her for something. Was he thinking about turning her into a werewolf?
“Werewolves,” he said, “Mate for life. The bonds between mates are magic, I guess. They're formed over time, with contact between people who are compatible that way. You get a sense when people could be your mate, and I've – honestly, I've never met anyone who could before.”
“Until me?” Anna asked, wide eyed.
“Until you,” he confirmed. “I thought you should know that. I don't know you, you don't know me, but if we get to know each other,” he reached for her hand a little awkwardly and squeezed it, “That's a possibility.”
She ran her thumb across his palm and looked at him. And she considered it.
She wasn't looking for love before she met Joshua. She wasn't even sure she believed in it anymore. Anna definitely didn't believe in fairy tale romance – she had school to worry about, and her job, and her family.
Now, though, she found herself believing. She looked into Joshua's eyes and felt like she was falling into the golden gaze. Assuming they got this mess worked out, she found she could see herself with him, even as little as she felt she really knew about him. The longing swept her suddenly, fiercely. She pictured herself in ten or twenty years, living in a house with Joshua and making him dinner. She pictured little golden-eyed children and wondered – was being a werewolf hereditary?
She did know him, didn't she? She knew he was brave, and he'd fought for his life. She knew he was sweet and cared about scaring her even when his own life was in danger. She knew he had put himself into danger to support his family. Those were the really important things – she could worry about the little things later.
She didn't want to worry about the little things. She stroked his palm with her thumb again, watching him shiver with the touch. She felt the sudden urge to move into his lap and kiss him, to reassure him just how much she wanted this.
But he'd just finished telling her about the worst part of his life. Now probably wasn't the time. Anna swallowed her libido down and smiled at him instead. She tried to tell him with her gaze how much she wanted him.
“Thanks for telling me,” she said. “I think it's going to work out, if we get through this. Tell me more about how this works? You said something about magic?”
“Yeah.” He smiled, eyes crinkling. “The pack stuff was awful, but – Stephen wasn't wrong about one thing. Being a werewolf is wonderful.”
“Tell me?” she asked, leaning forward. This world she'd discovered was terrifying so far – and at some point she was going to come down into reality and freak out about that. She wanted to believe it had good parts, too. Especially if she was going to stay in it for the rest of her life.
“There are so many things humans don't understand. It's a whole different way of being, of understanding, and it's not easy to put into words.” Joshua squeezed his eyes shut. “When you change, everything is simpler, more focused. Wolves don't worry about the things humans do. Everything is about sensation and the moment. And you can smell so much, hear so much.
“The most amazing thing is just running. Most of the time, Stephen had us working when we were together, but sometimes he'd give us a night off to play and reinforce the pack bonds. We'd run in a pack under the stars, and then collapse and sleep and only get up to play. You can feel the rest of the pack. You feel that they're with you, a part of you, and that you belong.” He opened his eyes then and sighed. “You feel safe. It was all an illusion with him, but I know there are other werewolves out there. There has to be a way to have that for real.”
“There must be,” Anna agreed, imagining it. She'd dated before, but the men she met never took her seriously as a person. At best they'd been fun to dance with, never people who made her feel home, or safe, or like she belonged with them forever.
“I could have it with you.” Joshua grinned at her. She flushed and wondered if her thoughts were visible on her face, but he just kept talking. “Anyway, the mating bonds are like a more intense version of the pack bond. You're always aware of each other, even in human form. You can feel where each other are and talk in your minds. Lily said it was like feeling at home all of the time, like she could never be lonely again. Stephen tried to keep mates apart in different groups because they were more likely to refuse orders and back each other up if they were together. The one time I heard someone got away for real, it was a pair of mates working together.”
“So that's what you mean when you said the mating bond came with magic?” she asked. She wondered what it would feel like, to never have to be lonely again. She might get to find out soon, apparently.
“Yeah, the bond. There's also something else.” He hesitated. “You understand, this is just rumor. I haven't met anyone who mated a human. Stephen would never allow that, not when the mate might not be under his control as part of the pack. But I heard that it makes them not exactly a wolf, but almost like a wolf. They can feel the pack through their mate, but they just aren't dominated by it, and a few people said they get stronger, faster, like wolves. Their senses get stronger, too. And healing improves.
“I'm not sure if it's true, but I think it might be, because the guy who told me that wasn't made into a wolf by Stephen. He was a werewolf before he got recruited.”
“Why would he join?” Anna asked. “And wouldn't his old pack have something to say about it?”
Joshua shook his head. “He said that his wife died, and they never had any kids, so he didn't have a pack left. I think that was maybe why. There apparently aren't a lot of packs that take wolves going around by themselves, so he was going to be alone forever unless he found another mate.”
“And that's rare,” Anna said. Why her, if it was so rare?
Joshua nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again. “Maybe. I think it depends on the person. Some people are more widely compatible than others.” He squeezed her hand again.
“So if you stay,” Anna began.
“There's one more thing,” Joshua said, face clouding.
“What is it?” she asked.
“This is just rumor, too, but – the guy who told me that stuff about humans said you can tell when a human is mated by a wolf. They smell and look different, and usually you can tell who it is if you know the wolf. And unusually sensitive wolves can tell on other wolves, too. I don't know if that's true, but I know – Stephen always found out, when someone found their mate. That could be because they acted different, but I wouldn't depend on that.” He shrugged.
The fear that had hovered above her started to seep in. Anna
tried to shrug it off. This was just rumor.
“So if we – are mated,” Anna said, pulling her brain back furiously from the accompanying mental images, “I might get super powers. But it also might mark me out, and since they're watching the towns in the area, they'd find me.”
Joshua nodded and looked down. “I'm sorry about this, Anna. I ran into the woods because I didn't want to take anyone down with me. When I smelled you, I was half out of my mind with exhaustion. It was the most obvious thing, to go back and try to talk to you.”
He raised her hand to his mouth. She was confused for a moment, half expecting him to kiss it. Instead he cradled it against his face and breathed in. He was scenting her, she realized.
“I wish I'd met you some other time,” he said softly. “I wish I'd had time to get away first. Or that I'd met you before. I could have put together a better plan, one that didn't include them meeting you. Or years before, when I wasn't a werewolf, before I did all of those things.”
Joshua took a deep, struggling breath before continuing, “The bonds just happen, on their own, when two people who could be mates spend time around each other. Sometimes it takes days. Sometimes it takes weeks or months. But there's no guarantee of when, and when it happens, if they'll be able to find you – I am so sorry, Anna. If you want me to go, I understand. I've wanted this my whole life, but to have it now would just drag you down with me.”
“If you didn't run into me, you'd be dead,” Anna said, straightening her back. That was not going to help. His face had opened into exuberant excitement when he spoke of being a wolf. Now it narrowed into misery again. “You were about to collapse, you hadn't even stopped to wrap your leg, and if you couldn't run they'd have caught you. And if you met me before you became a werewolf, you never would have noticed me.”
“I could never have ignored you,” he disagreed.
She doubted that. She liked her looks. She liked her curves and light brown skin, and she liked her glasses and the ink stains on her hands from constant note taking. But it all added up to a picture that didn't attract many men. The ones that did look thought of her as exotic, or a sexy librarian. Never girlfriend material, let alone life partner.
But she found that she couldn't accuse him of those things. Maybe he was right. Maybe they could have met in another world without this mess. Who knew? It was impossible to find out now.
“I believe you,” she said. “Now finish eating. I need to go make up the loft bed for tonight.” It would give her some time to think, too. She needed it.
That night and the next day passed like something out of a dream. It was a strange slice of domesticity in the wake of the stress of the previous day. The tension hovered overhead.
Anna got up early and found Joshua already awake and doing the dishes from last night.
“A man who does dishes,” she joked. She started looking through the cabinets for breakfast ingredients. “Amazing.”
“Yeah, well, I had sisters,” Joshua said, scrubbing at a plate. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and the sunlight through the kitchen curtains made the muscles in his back glow. Even the light exercise made them ripple.
Anna watched happily for a moment before going back to her search. “Some men would use that as an excuse to make them do the housework.”
“Maybe some men would, but my mother would have killed me.”
“How many?” she asked. “I mean, how many sisters?”
He had a strange look in his eyes as he answered. “Three, one younger and two older.”
“What are their names?”
“Hannah – she's the youngest – Lizzy, and Deborah. Lizzy's two years older than me, Deborah three. They were always close when we grew up. Hannah should have graduated from high school last spring, I think.”
“You think?” she asked, then wanted to kick herself. “I'm sorry, you haven't seen them, have you?”
He shook his head. “Stephen did tell me that when I signed up. He made it sound like it would be too dangerous, because of the work. Of course it would only be dangerous because he would hurt them. I at least could send the money back, I told them it was some classified military job and made excuses about not being able to get leave to come visit.” He sighed. “I don't know what I was planning to tell them when it was obvious I wasn't going home. Mom might have tried to come and get me if she knew where I was.”
“I'm sorry.” Anna had no idea what to say. She moved into his line of sight to telegraph the motion, and hugged him.
He squeezed her shoulders, and they stood in silence. His strong arms cradled her. He made her feel safe and protected. She hoped she could return the favor at least a little. She squeezed a little harder at the thought.
“How do pancakes sound?” she asked when the moment had passed.
“They sound great.” His voice was a little hoarse. It cleared as he went on, “Do you have stuff to put in them? Berries or chocolate chips, maybe? I'm twelve years old at heart,” he added in a confidential whisper.
She giggled. “I don't think the cabin's stocked with cookie baking supplies, but let me check.” She went to look in the freezer. “Frozen blueberries, I can do.”
After breakfast, Joshua went to look at her bookcase. He picked something out after a few moments and went to the couch. Anna sat at her desk and started up the laptop. She had plenty she could do in the cabin – notes to type up and analyze, statistical analyses, that kind of thing. There was also email to answer. Her father had sent her a long, rambling account of his vacation in Florida.
She kept wanting to look over her shoulder to watch Joshua where he lay sprawled across the couch. She skimmed the email instead. She tried to think of what she was planning to write to her father about before Joshua showed up. The discovery in the cave, of course. The birds she'd seen in the month she'd been at the cabin already. The books she was reading – they both liked mysteries.
The day passed uneventfully. Anna felt tension crackling between them every time they touched. She swore that Joshua was brushing up against her intentionally when they made lunch together. He kept finding excuses to get into the drawers in front of her. Then again, she was doing the same thing. She couldn't complain. She didn't want to complain.
Joshua got up after lunch to take a look around the cabin. He reported back after a few hours and said there was no sign of his packmates. Apart from that it was impossible to tell that there was someone hunting him, or that any day Anna's family cabin might turn into the scene of murder.
But that night, the floating feeling Anna had been cushioned by came crashing down.
She woke up with a shout from nightmares, feeling the ghost of teeth closing around her arm, her neck. She stumbled upright from the loft, hit her head against the ceiling, and shouted again.
There was a thud from the ground floor.
“Anna?” Joshua called.
“I'm fine!” she called back, hating how hysterical her voice sounded. She closed her eyes and saw her father, ripped apart by wolves, then her baby brother trying to run and losing ground.
It was just a dream. Her family was safe and hundreds of miles away. The feeling of teeth in her own skin was harder to dismiss. That threat was real.
“What's wrong?” Joshua asked.
“Just a nightmare,” she said, shivering.
“Want me to come up?” he asked. She squinted and saw his shape moving towards the ladder.
“No, let me come down – your leg,” she said.
She almost went to wrap a sheet around herself to cover her flimsy night dress, but then thought, fuck it. Climbing the ladder while she was shivering would be hard enough. She'd put on her one lacy night dress instead of a T shirt with the thought of Joshua seeing it at breakfast. There was no point hiding.
She got down and went to Joshua in the dark, hugging him hard as soon as she got to him. He ran fingers through her hair, and she pressed into his chest, relieved by his presence.
“What did you dream?” he asked.
“Your pack,” she mumbled. “Got my family. And me.”
At those words, she could practically feel his guilt – the beginnings of a mate bond? Did it even work like that? Or just what she knew about him?
“Let me turn on the lights,” she said, but didn't move from his arms.
After a moment Joshua said, “Are you going to go back to bed?”
She considered it, but the nightmare still had claws around her, and the thought was terrifying. “Could I sleep with you?”
“Sure,” Joshua said. She felt him smiling against her hair.
She started to the bedroom, and then stopped a few feet away. “Your crutches? Did you hurt your leg coming after me?”
“No, no, it's fine.” His voice was drawing closer, and she went on into the bedroom. “Wolves heal fast. I mentioned that, right? The infection and the stuff stuck in it kept it from closing, but I can put weight on it now. It'll be as good as new in a week at most.”
“Oh! Good.” She was glad he would be healed soon. She did remember him mentioning it now, back when he told her about the mate bond. She thought about healing that fast with a little rush of excitement. No more months trapped in casts, maybe no more stitches even.
Anna sat down on the bed and waited until Joshua was back to slide under the covers. She tucked herself against his chest shortly. His arm pulled around her waist comfortingly. His shoulders were broader than hers; she liked that about him. Most of the time, she felt big and clumsy next to the men she dated, but Joshua was built like a football player.
She still didn't want to sleep. “What do you do for fun?” she asked. She didn't want more talk about violence and death.
“Hmm?” he said, stroking small circles on her stomach.
“You must have had a life before all this happened to you. And you can't run around doing crime twenty-four seven. What do you like to do?”
“Well, I read a lot in the military, and with Stephen. You always have to be ready to go when you're in the field, but you end up waiting for hours anyway. So a lot of soldiers read. There was a big trade in mass market paperbacks when I was in Iraq. My little sister would send them to me – I'd write and tell her the kind of book I wanted and she'd go looking for a bunch – and then I'd trade them to other people when I was done.”