“Where’s your mom?” I asked.
“Upstairs. She’s going nuts because she can’t find anything to wear, and she got her hair stuck in a torture device.”
I trooped upstairs and found Charlene in the bathroom with a curling iron in her hand.
“Stephanie Plum, full-service matchmaker, available for wardrobe consultation and babysitting,” I told Charlene.
“Are you sure you can handle the kids?” she asked me.
“Piece of cake.”
Truth is, I’d rather get run over by a truck than spend an hour with Charlene’s kids, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“I thought I’d wear this pants suit,” she said. “What do you think?”
“The pants suit is good, but the shirt isn’t sexy.”
“Oh God, am I supposed to be sexy?”
I ran to her bedroom and sifted through the pile of clothes on her bed. I found a V-necked sweater that I thought had potential and brought it into the bathroom.
“Try this,” I told her.
“I can’t wear that. It’s too low. I bought it by mistake.”
I unbuttoned her out of the shirt and dropped the sweater over her head. I took a step back, and we both looked in the mirror.
Charlene had a lot of cleavage. “Perfect,” I said. “Now you’re a domestic goddess and a sex goddess.”
Charlene looked down at her boobs. “I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.”
“And that would be, what?”
“I don’t know. I’m not good at this. I never have a second date. Everyone always disappears halfway through the first date. What am I supposed to do on a second date? Should I . . . you know?”
“No! You don’t you know until the third date. And then, only if you really like the guy. I’ve had years where I didn’t you know at all.”
Junior was watching. “Boy, you have a lot of skin,” he said to his mother. “And your hair looks funny.”
Charlene’s attention moved from her boobs to her hair. “I got the curling iron caught in it, and some of it got singed off.”
I finger-combed some conditioner into Charlene’s singed hair and fluffed her out with a round brush and hair dryer.
“You must not be a Jersey native,” I said to Charlene.
“I moved here five years ago from New Hampshire.”
That would explain the hair.
I pulled some lip gloss and blush out of my bag and swiped some on Charlene. The doorbell rang, and Charlene gripped the bathroom counter for support.
“Remember,” I said to her, “you’re a goddess.”
“Goddess,” she repeated.
“And you don’t put out until the third date.”
“Third date.”
“Unless he gets carried away with your cleavage and asks you to marry him . . . then you could accelerate the process.”
I walked Charlene down the stairs and helped her get into a coat. I told Gary Martin to behave himself and get Charlene home before her ten o’clock curfew. And I closed the door after them and turned to face her kids.
“I’m hungry,” Ralph said.
The other three stared at me in sullen silence.
“What?” I said to them.
“We don’t need a babysitter,” Russell said.
“Fine. Pretend I’m something else. Pretend I’m a friend.”
Russell looked me up and down.
“How old are you?” I asked him.
“Sixteen.”
“I don’t think so.”
“He’s twelve,” Ralph said. “And he got a bone in school last week and got sent home.”
“It’s boner, dipshit,” Ernie said.
Ralph stood on tiptoes and got into Ernie’s face. “Don’t call me dipshit.”
“Dipshit, dipshit, dipshit.”
I looked at my watch. I’d been on duty for three minutes and I’d lost control. This was going to be a long night.
“Everyone into the kitchen,” I said. “I’m going to make dinner.”
“What are you going to make?” Ralph wanted to know.
“Peanut butter sandwiches.”
“I don’t like peanut butter,” Ralph said.
“Yeah, and that’s not dinner. That’s lunch,” Ernie said. “We need to have meat and vegetables for dinner.”
I took my phone out and dialed Pino’s Pizza. “I need three large pies with peppers, olives, onions, and pepperoni,” I told them. “And I need it fast.” I gave them the address and turned back to the kids. “Vegetables and meat, coming up.”
“I’m going upstairs,” Russell said.
Ernie followed. “Me, too.”
Junior ran off to the back of the house and disappeared.
“You have to feed Kitty and Blackie and Fluffy and Tom and Fritz and Melvin. And you can’t give Blackie any pizza because he’s lactose internet.”
“Do you mean lactose intolerant?”
“Yeah. He gets the squirts. He squirts all over everything.”
I went to the kitchen, and I put some cat crunchies in a bowl for Kitty and some dog crunchies in a bowl for Blackie and some rabbit pellets in a bowl for Fluffy.
“Tom and Fritz and Melvin are the outside cats,” Ralph said. “Mom can’t catch them, so she just feeds ’em.”
I fed the outside cats and realized I hadn’t seen Junior in a while.
“Where’s Junior?” I asked Ralph.
Ralph shrugged. “Junior runs away a lot,” he said.
I yelled for Junior, but Junior didn’t show. Ralph and I went upstairs to look for Junior and found Russell and Ernie surfing porn sites.
“They do this all day long,” Ralph said. “It’s why Russell gets bones.”
“It’s boner,” Ernie said. “Bone-errrr!”
“Doesn’t your mom have parental controls on this computer?” I asked Russell.
“They’re broken,” Russell said.
“Russell’s a geek,” Ralph said. “He can break anything. He broke the television so we can watch naked people.”
“Anyway, my mother doesn’t care what I do,” Russell said. “It’s not like I’m a kid.”
“Of course you’re a kid,” I said to him. “Shut that off.”
“I don’t have to,” Russell said. “You’re not my mother. You can’t tell me what to do.”
I punched Diesel’s number into my phone.
“Help,” I said when he answered.
“What’s up?”
“I’m babysitting for Charlene, and I’ve lost a kid, and two more are surfing porn sites, and it’s going to look real bad if I have to shoot them.”
“I’m not actually a kid person,” Diesel said.
“I ordered pizza.”
“Honey, you need to come up with something better than pizza as a bribe.”
“Okay, you can sleep in the bed . . . but you have to stay on your side.”
“Deal.”
Diesel and the pizza arrived at the same time. Diesel paid the delivery kid and brought the pizza inside. He dropped the three boxes on the table, opened one, and took a piece.
“You have one kid sitting at the table,” Diesel said. “Where are the others?”
“Two are upstairs and refuse to come down. I can’t find Junior.”
Diesel stood silent for a moment. He turned slightly and looked around the room. He ate some of his pizza and popped the top on a can of soda. “He’s under the sink,” Diesel said.
I opened the under-the-sink cabinet door and peeked in at Junior. “Do you want pizza?”
“Can I eat it in here?”
I gave him a piece of pizza on a paper towel and closed the door on him.
“Can I have a piece?” Ralph asked.
“Knock yourself out,” Diesel said. “I’m going to get your brothers.”
Ralph and I helped ourselves to pizza, and Diesel disappeared up the stairs. There was a lot of kid yelling followed by silence. Moments later, Diesel ambled into the kitchen with Russell and Ernie.
He had both of them by the backs of their shirts, and their feet weren’t touching the floor.
Diesel plunked Russell and Ernie down and selected a second piece of pizza. “Looks like I’m going to be here for a while,” he said to Russell and Ernie. “Might as well make it worthwhile. Do you guys play poker? Have you got any money?”
Diesel, Russell, Ernie, and Ralph were still at the kitchen table when Charlene got home. I was watching television. Junior was asleep on the couch next to me.
“How’d it go?” I asked Charlene.
“I think this was the first time in five years no one spilled milk at dinner. It felt weird. And he kissed me good night at the door. That felt weird, too, but I liked it. He’s a really nice man.”
“Is he your true love?”
“Too early to tell, but he has potential. He’s invited me and the kids to his house for dinner tomorrow night.”
Diesel meandered in from the kitchen. “Just in time,” he said to Charlene. “We were playing pepperoni poker, and we ran out of pepperoni.”
Ralph was trailing behind Diesel. “He won all the pepperonis, and then he ate them,” Ralph said.
I raised an eyebrow at Diesel.
“I’m good at cards,” Diesel said.
“You were playing with kids!”
“Yeah, but they cheat.”
“He said if he caught us cheating again, he’d turn us into toads,” Ralph said. “He can’t do that, can he?”
“What’s with this toad thing?” I said to Diesel.
“Idle threat,” Diesel said. “Sort of.”
I stuffed myself into my jacket and hung my bag on my shoulder. “Have fun tomorrow night,” I told Charlene. “Keep in touch.”
Diesel followed me out and walked me to my car.
“What’s happening with Annie?” I asked him.
“Can’t find her. Can’t find Bernie. And now I can’t find Lou Delvina. He has a house in Cranberry, but the only one in the house is his wife. There’s a two-car garage with just one car in it. I have someone checking on other properties. He’s not at his social club. He’s not at his place of business.”
“It’s only nine o’clock. He could be lots of places.”
“True. I have Flash watching his house.”
My phone buzzed.
“Thank the Lord I got you,” Lula said. “You’re not gonna believe this one, and don’t hang up because this is my one phone call.”
11
“Where are you?” I asked Lula.
“I’m in jail. Where the heck do you think I am with one phone call? Anyways, I need someone to bond me out of here.”
“I’ll have to get Connie. Vinnie left for his Valentine’s cruise with Lucille.” I looked at my watch. “It’s nine o’clock Sunday night. Connie’s going to have to get a judge out of his jammies to set bond. What are the charges?”
“Destruction of personal property and tying a idiot’s dick in a knot. And Tank’s here, too.”
Tank was second in command at Ranger’s security company. He was Ranger’s best friend, and he watched Ranger’s back. He was a big guy who didn’t talk much but carried a real big stick. From time to time Lula managed to snag him and have her way, and the next morning Tank would look like the living dead. To my knowledge this was the first time she’d gotten him arrested.
“Tank and me were at this bar,” Lula said. “And some drunk-ass moron started on Tank. How Tank had no neck. And how Tank looked like Shrek, except Tank wasn’t green. And I was getting real annoyed because okay, all that’s true, but I didn’t like this guy’s attitude, you see what I’m saying? And then he started calling me Shrek’s fat ’ho . . . and that’s when I hit him. And things sort of went in the toilet after that.”
Diesel was smiling when I disconnected. “Ranger’s gonna be pissed. He works hard to keep a clean, low profile.”
“You know Ranger?”
“From a distance.”
I called Connie and told her about Lula and Tank.
“Can you get them out?” I asked Connie.
“Probably. I’ll have to make some phone calls. I’ll get back to you.”
Diesel and I got into my Escape. I turned the heat on high, and Diesel cracked his window.
“How do you know Ranger?” I asked him.
Diesel shrugged. “I hear things. I assume Connie is buying a judge?”
“This is a small community. We try to be civilized to each other. Connie will call in a favor.”
Diesel was looking relaxed next to me, but I knew his priority was to find Annie, and it had to be on his mind.
“I know you’re worried about Annie,” I said. “Am I keeping you from whatever it is that you do?”
“I have wheels turning. I’ll need to move when I get a call. Until then, I’m all yours.”
Connie called back. “I’ve got the paperwork in motion. I’m going to pick it up now, and I’ll meet you at the booking desk in a half hour. I’m assuming Lula and Tank are being held at the station.”
“Yep. Ten-four.” I turned to Diesel. “This is going to take some time. Would you mind picking Bob up at my parents’ house and bringing him home for me?”
“No problem. Call me if you run into trouble.”
The Trenton police are housed in a redbrick bunker in a part of town that knows a lot about crime firsthand, mandating that police cars be locked in a lot surrounded by razor wire. Unfortunately, Connie and I didn’t qualify for the razor-wire lot and were forced to park on the street, which was more or less a supermarket for chop-shop scouts. Connie drove over in a crapola Beetle she kept for just such an occasion. I got two fake antennae and a big fake diamond-encrusted cross out of my console. I hung the cross on my mirror, and I stuck the antennae to the roof rack. If you didn’t look too close you’d think I was a dealer and would most likely kill you if I caught you messing with my car.
It was after normal business hours, so we had to get ourselves buzzed in. Connie was already processing the release when I arrived. There wasn’t a lot going on. Too late for rush-hour road rage and too early for drunken domestic violence. A lone sad-sack gangbanger sat chained to a chair that was bolted to the floor. The amount of snot on his shirt suggested he’d been pepper-sprayed.
My buddy Eddie Gazarra was on duty behind the desk. “Sorry about Lula and Tank,” he said. “I wasn’t here when they came in, or I would have called you right away. Some numbskull rookie dragged their asses in here, and there wasn’t anything we could do once they were booked.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “We’ll get them bonded out.”
Gazarra went back to the holding cell and got Lula and Tank.
“There’s no justice to this world,” Lula said. “I get taken to jail, and the meany that called me a fat ’ho isn’t even here.”
“He’s at the hospital getting his nuts extracted from his nose,” Gazarra said. “He’ll get charged as soon as he can walk without spitting up blood.”
“How about me?” Lula said. “I got a scratch on my arm, and I’m gonna get a bruise, too. And this here’s a new sweater that someone grabbed hold of and tore a hole in.”
Tank wasn’t saying anything. He took his belt and shoelaces and pocketed the plastic bag with his incidentals . . . wallet, keys, loose change.
“More bad news,” Gazarra said. “They towed and impounded a red Firebird that was parked illegally in a handicap space in front of the bar.”
“That’s my baby!” Lula said. “And it wasn’t parked illegal. It had two inches sticking over the line. There was only two inches in the dumbass handicap spot.”
Gazarra passed me a piece of paper. “Here’s the address for the impound lot and the citation for the car. My advice is to pick it up tomorrow, because your girlfriend here is probably blowing over the alcohol limit, and with the kind of luck she’s having, she’ll be brought back here for DUI.”
We all trudged out of the station, happy to find both cars still at the curb, unmolested. Connie z
ipped away, hoping to catch her television show, and I loaded Tank and Lula into my Escape.
“How about you?” I said to Tank. “Did you drive to the bar?”
Tank just looked at me.
I couldn’t hold the smile back. “You drove there in a Rangeman vehicle, didn’t you?”
Tank nodded. “Ranger’s gonna kill me.”
“Ranger doesn’t have to know.”
“Ranger knows everything,” Tank said. His eyes held mine. “Everything.”
Oh boy.
“What bar did you two trash?”
“Sly Dog,” Tank said. “The car’s in the lot alongside the bar.”
Sly Dog was a watering hole for people coming to and going from events at the Sovereign Bank Arena. The complexion of the bar changed according to the event, and I wasn’t sure what was going on tonight. Could have been a rock concert or a hockey game or monster trucks. It sat just outside the Burg, and was maybe a half mile from Lula’s apartment.
I took Perry Street to Broad Street and sailed through the center of the city, coming up behind the arena and the bar. I pulled into the lot and parked behind the black Rangeman SUV.
Lula was in the seat beside me, and Tank was in the back. I slid a look at Lula. “Is there a plan?”
“Hey, Shrek,” Lula yelled back to Tank. “You got a plan?”
“Guess I should take you home,” Tank said.
“Yeah,” Lula said. “That would be the polite thing to do. Might have to stop at the drugstore on the way. Wouldn’t want to run out of . . . you know, anything.”
I checked Tank out in the rearview mirror, and our eyes met, and he smiled.
It was eleven o’clock by the time I got home. Lights were off in my apartment with the exception of a nightlight burning in the bathroom, throwing light into the bedroom. Diesel and Bob were asleep in bed, side by side. Diesel was bare skin for as far as I could see with an arm thrown over Bob.
I slipped into the bathroom and changed into a T-shirt and boxers. I tiptoed to the other side of the bed and crept in next to Bob.
“Did everything work out okay?” Diesel asked, his voice soft in the dark room.
“Yeah. We bonded them out, and then they went home together. This is probably a strange thing to say, but it was . . . nice. I think they really like each other.”
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