We spent the rest of the morning and afternoon at the same coffee shop. Two coffees and three pastries later, we ended our first date. She expressed so openly what she had been working through these last weeks. Her confession that she missed talking to me was surprising, yet we had grown used to seeing each other, taking comfort in each other, for different reasons.
We laughed. She cried. I held her hand.
“Out getting some fresh air. Needed some time to myself.” It’s not a complete lie.
“A lot of damn air you got.” He raises a brow.
Our phones beep milliseconds apart, and I’m grateful for the interruption.
Cash: Vols game at the house tomorrow
Ryder: fuck the vols
I laugh at his reaction. Ryder is a ‘Bama boy, through and through.
Cole: see u then
Jason: I’ll bring some beers
Cash: fuck u Ryder. don’t forget to wear orange
Ryder: orange is for pussies
I chuckle. These guys are my brothers, have been for a long time. I take off my cap and scratch the side of my head. I wonder if Bri will be there.
Walking into the kitchen to grab a beer, I shoot Bri a message asking.
Bri: yeah, Liv told me a few days ago
We talked earlier today that we would pace ourselves. She asked for us to go slow, and I promised we would. I’ll keep my distance tomorrow if that’s what she wants. No one will have to know we’re… whatever the hell we are right now. I plan to let her take her time, but also pursue her heart—that space she says she has open for someone new. I’m claiming it as mine.
Cole: me and the guys going too. don’t want u to stress… no one will know what’s going on
I walk back into the living room with my beer.
“You don’t offer your best roommate a damn beer?” Jason looks over at me.
“Get your ass up and grab one.”
“Asshole.” He grabs his own beer and sits back on the couch. “You good?”
“Yeah.” Better than I’ve been in a while. “You had a good Thanksgiving?” All of us went to have dinner with our own families. My brother couldn’t make it into town, but the rest of my family—cousins, aunts and uncles included—got together.
“Yeah. How ‘bout you guys?”
“Chill. You know how it is. We eat too much, drink more than we eat, and shoot the shit.”
“Don’t I know it,” Jason agrees.
“So what’s going on with Christie?”
“I don’t know. I like her a lot. She’s different. Doesn’t care about the bullshit status stuff, humble, and beautiful. She’s tough. Time will tell, though.” Jason shrugs.
We drink our beers in silence. Time will tell. Gotta tell myself the same thing when it comes to Bri.
“All right, bro. I’m gonna get ready to go. Thanks for the beer.” Sarcasm shoots from him.
“Anytime,” I give him a full smile.
I check my phone to see if Bri responded and see a message.
Bri: it’s okay. I’m not really sure how to act, but it wouldn’t be fair to u to hide what we spoke about today
Cole: babe you gotta forget about me. I’ll never forgive myself if you weren’t ready to share with everyone and I screwed it up
Bri: I asked for patience but I’m sure I’m ready to have u in my life
Well fuck.
Cole: can I pick you up tomorrow then? drive you over?
Bri: I’d like that
Cole: I’ll call you later
“This is like our coming out party or something,” I tell Bri before knocking on Cash’s door.
“You’re a loser,” she teases. I watch her inhale real deep. I’m not the only nervous one.
“If you want to keep it to ourselves for now, we can.” Truth is, we’ve had one coffee date and a long conversation about where we stand. She knows how I feel, and I know she cares about me. She wants to date and get reacquainted as more than friends.
“Stop it. Knock on the damn door already.” Her smile is bright, like the sunshine that represents her tattoo. I almost cried a little when she told me about it. I’m man enough to admit that.
“Hello, there. Welcome to our humble abode.” I want to punch the smile off Cash’s face.
“That formality doesn’t really match your twang,” I tell him.
“He gets cute when he’s embarrassed, right?” Cash looks at Bri.
“Shut the fuck up.”
Bri’s giggle next to me softens my nerves. “Come on,” she says.
Cash and I stay behind as we watch her walk in.
“You good?” He asks.
“Yeah, man.
“Do I want to know what’s going on?”
“Brother, it’s a weird story. First thing, I’m at Josh’s grave talking to him. Next thing I know, Bri is behind me asking if I want to have coffee after she has a moment with him.”
“And?”
“You’re a fucking nosy chick.”
“Yeah,” he shrugs. “I’ve been told.”
I follow Cash into his house and see Liv and Bri smiling and talking. Liv looks over at me with a shit-eating grin.
“Hey,” I walk up and give her a hug.
“So?”
I shake my head. This shit’s too much. Bri looks down to the ground. “How ‘bout we sit,” I suggest.
She looks up at me with wide and grateful eyes.
“You want a beer?” Cash asks us.
“I’ll take one.”
“Me, too,” Bri chimes. “Lord knows I’ll need it by the time the others arrive.”
“Fuck yeah, you will.” Cash is a real comfort.
Jason arrives next with another case of beer and Ryder and Jen follow behind, looking a little disheveled. Those two. I roll my eyes when I see them. After touring with them, nothing surprises me anymore.
Pre-game as background noise, Olivia stands and walks to Cash. I’m on high-alert observer mode with my new situation with Bri, so every tiny detail is being analyzed. I want what they have—freedom to hug and laugh together, intimacy, confidence that they’re it for each other. I look over at Bri. Fuck me for wanting to have all that with this woman. Her road’s been paved with happiness, sadness, and unbearable loss. She’s had it all and lost it all. Am I up to par with that?
“Hey guys,” Cash calls out. We all turn to look at him. “We wanted to take advantage that you’re all here.”
“Oh my God,” Bri gasps next to me. Olivia widens her eyes.
Cash spits out, “Olivia is pregnant. It’s still real early and we’re praying for the best, but y’all are family and we wanted to share this news with y’all.”
Everyone begins talking at the same time and hugging them. I congratulate both of them.
“Are you okay?” I whisper to Bri when I see her eyes full of tears.
“Yeah,” she swallows. “I’m so happy for them.” Her voice is thick with emotions, and it tears me up.
“It’s okay.” I pull her in for a hug.
“Um… Is everyone going to ignore this?” I look up to see Ryder pointing at us.
“Fuck,” I murmur and pull away from Bri.
Five pairs of eyes stare at us, Olivia and Cash’s apologetic.
“Olivia’s pregnant,” I exclaim in hopes that will distract them. It doesn’t work.
“Are you guys…” Jason looks between us.
Bri’s big eyes look at me. “Kinda. I’ve done a lot of work these last few months, slowly easing in to this.”
I want to lean in and tell her she doesn’t have to defend her position. She’s moving forward the right way, and Josh knows that, up in heaven, where he is.
“I think it’s cool,” Ryder says.
“I do, too. It’s kinda about time,” Jen adds.
Jason nods. Without another word, everyone focuses on the TV for kick-off. I sit back down next to Bri and smile at her. Although it won’t be easy, I’m ready to show her all I have to offer. I’m rea
dy to be the man she needs to support her and love her. I’ll make sure she always honors Josh.
Thankfully, no one else makes a fuss about Bri and I. We enjoy the game and drink beer. I drape my arm behind Bri and take in her excitement as she watches the Vols make a touchdown. Something about a woman enjoying a game of football is hot. She calls out flags before the refs gather to make the final call.
“You having fun?” I check in with her.
“Yeah.” Her smile confirms her words.
“Want another beer?”
“Please.”
I want to tell her so much. I want to tell her how much her smile affects me and how seeing her upset debilitates me. I want to share that I’ve cared about her when I knew I shouldn’t. I crave to share that I want to have a life full of all experiences with her, and even though she already lived certain things, like marriage, I want to experience them with her.
But I don’t. I pause and breathe. Bri needs time to process. She wants to speed walk. Hell, I’ll stroll aimlessly with her if that’s what she wants. As long as I’m with her, getting lost is the final destination.
I look around after taking a refreshing chug from my beer. This is what I’d been wanting this entire time. Me doing things like this with Bri. It may sound like I’m an ass to have dreamt of this while Josh was still alive. Back then, I wished for someone like Bri, knowing the real thing was off-limits.
“Are you good?” It’s Bri’s turn to ask me.
“Yeah, just thinking.”
“It’s weird, huh? Like a whole new start. As if the past were completely cut from this.”
“Yeah. I kinda feel like a jerk, but also feel like you’re a different person.”
“In a way, I am.”
“I know.” I leave it at that for now. We have time to move through this.
By the time the game ends, I’m ready to go home. I’ve been more of a homebody since all this shit went down.
“Do you want to go or stay?”
“I’m ready to go,” Bri responds.
After saying an awkward goodbye to everyone, we hop in my car. I don’t want my night with Bri to end, but I was ready to be away from the curious eyes.
“So that was interesting,” I bring up.
“No shit.”
I chuckle. “You sure you’re okay with them knowing we’re dating.” Fuck, I’m not even sure how to word it. Dating sounds wrong, but I guess that’s what we’re doing. I haven’t exactly had the most dating experience.
“I’m positive. Are you?” Bri raises an eyebrow.
“Yeah.” I’m unconvincing, and Bri cackles.
“That is so convincing.” Her eyes widen.
“Shit, Bri. I’m fucking ecstatic about this, but for a long time I didn’t think this would ever happen. To have them all witness it like that, I don’t know.” I scratch my head. “It feels weird.” I sigh.
“How about we both remove our minds from this. Let go of the guilt and judgment of what others will think and see where this goes?”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
Bri’s house appears down the road with the silhouette of the ‘For Sale’ sign she put up this morning. I look at her from the corner of my eye as I pull into the driveway. Her soft features shine in the streetlights.
“Do you have any plans for the rest of the weekend?” I ask her.
She shifts toward me. “No.”
“I’d like to take you out tomorrow.” Thank fuck it’s a long weekend.
“Thought you’d never ask.” Her teasing smile is gorgeous.
I hold in my groan. “I’ll let you know what time in the morning.” I have a few hours to plan a perfect date. I may need to call reinforcements. “I’ll walk you in.”
I resist the urge to kiss her pink lips, so I lean over and kiss her cheek. “Goodnight, Cole. Thank you.”
“Goodnight, Bri. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Once in my car, I pull out my phone and send Cash a message. Let the King of Romance help me with this.
I initially thought spending time with Cole with more of a relationship in mind would be weird. After coffee, and leaving everything out for him to decide if he was willing to take me—baggage and all—I felt lighter.
He listened yesterday as I told him my worries, my needs, and what I wanted. He’s a good man, and I’ve been too busy being angry at God and life to notice that. Now I see it.
Everyone’s reaction when he hugged me tonight at Olivia and Cash’s house amped up my nerves, but I meant what I told him on the way home. We both need to remove barriers in our minds so we can give this a real chance. I need to remove the guilt that another man is comforting me and celebrating our friends’ pregnancy with me.
Such is life, right? It’s an experience, and we must be fully present to enjoy and grow from it. It will take me a bit to readjust my wings, but once I take flight, I’ll soar.
I push back the other concern I have and hope to deal with it at another time. Maybe it’s something I’ll talk to Liza about. Until then, I’m going to breathe through it.
I let Dixie out into the yard to relieve herself before going to bed. I close my eyes, having said goodbye to Josh yesterday and vowed I was starting a new volume, I have to let that book sit on the shelf and open to the first pages of this one. Beginning a new book is my favorite part of the reading experience, so I must allow myself to enjoy this adventure. The possibilities are unimaginable.
“I’m going to fall!” I call out after Cole. He moves away from me, laughing. I stand and try to find my balance. I bend my back as my arms fly out. My shaky legs are my traitors.
Cole rounds me and says, “Come on, Bri. This can’t be the first time you’ve ice skated.”
I glare at him. “It is,” I say, tight-lipped.
“No way,” he shakes his head. “Not even when you were little? We used to ice skate all the time.”
“Nope. I was always scared,” I admit.
“You? Bri? Scared of a little ice?”
“And blades as shoes! I heard once that a man lost his finger in an ice skating accident. I refused to ever try it after that.”
“Your friends never invited you? Liv?”
“I always made up an excuse.”
Cole’s head dips back as he laughs. “Don’t be a jerk.”
“I won’t. Come on, let me show you.”
“You promise you won’t let go?”
“You sound like a kid who’s biking for the first time without training wheels.”
“This is worse.”
I link my arm with Cole’s and look down at my feet as he starts moving.
“You have to skate, though.” He points out.
I slowly move each foot until I’m skating. It’s a sorry excuse for skating, but I’m getting there. Kids swoosh around us and couples move together as they hold on to each other. My breath comes out smoky as I exhale.
“Not so bad, right?” Cole looks over at me.
“It’s okay, but don’t let go,” I demand.
“I won’t. Can we go a little faster now?”
I shake my head. “Please.”
“I never would’ve pinned you for the kinda person that is this terrified of ice skating.”
“I don’t want to fall. That would be embarrassing and dangerous. I’d like to keep all ten fingers.”
Laughing again, Cole tightens his arm around mine, and we take our time. I see a little girl doing spins and I stare in awe. Teenagers are laughing and slipping. Everyone is mindful of where they’re skating.
“What are you doing?” I screech.
“Relax, Bri. I’m going to hold your hand.”
We continue to move with a little more freedom, which means I have to move my feet more than before. To the outside world, we probably look like the most normal couple. Inside…
I shake my head from those thoughts. New book.
“How are you feeling?”
“Huh? Oh, good. It’s not that bad.”
“So I can let go?” Cole teases.
“No!” I exclaim.
“Bri, trust me, I’m not letting go. Any excuse to hold on to you.”
I realize I also want to hold his hand. It’s exciting.
“That wasn’t too bad,” Cole says after we’ve skated a few laps.
“Eh,” I tilt my head.
“All you have to do is move your feet forward.” He begins to show off how when he almost runs into someone and falls.
Laughter spills from me as I look at his red face. “Oh… yeah… not bad.”
My feet begin to slide below me, and I hit the ice. Cole and I guffaw as people stare and skate around us. He crawls over to me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I giggle. “Okay, maybe I wasn’t going to lose any fingers by skating.”
“Nope. They’re all here.” Cole picks up my hands and kisses the tips of my fingers. I watch him with intensity. Something is happening inside of me.
We struggle to get back on our feet, but finally make it. We walk around the park where the ice rink is, snacking on caramelized almonds from a street vendor. I pull the small bag away from Cole’s hand and grab an almond.
“Stay still and open your mouth.”
“Hmmm.” Cole chuckles.
“Perv. I’m going to throw an almond, try to catch it with your mouth.”
I throw the almond and miss. “You do work for a baseball team, right?”
“Shut up and let’s try again.” Another miss.
“Bri, I’m hungry and you’re giving my almonds to the few birds hanging around.”
“One more time. Try to move when I throw it so you can catch it.”
“Good thing you aren’t a basketball player.”
“I’ll eat them all,” I mock as I put an almond in my mouth. “They’re so good.” I smile.
“Okay, let’s go.” Cole tilts his head back and squats a little. I throw the almond and he catches it.
“Yes!” I jump in victory with my arms out. Cole catches me in a hug and lifts me.
“Give me another one.” He opens his mouth. Smiling, I reach for an almond and place it in his mouth. I look into his eyes, seeing the possibility of a happy future. My heart freezes.
Love You Through It Page 15