“She’s a cute kid.” Cole hugs me. “You’re good?”
“I am. I requested to stay until January and they agreed. I think the fact that I decided to sell at asking price and not the last offer they made shocked them.”
“You have a good heart.” Cole kisses the top of my head.
“The difference won’t break me. If I can help a family out, why not?”
“Fucking amazing.”
I smile. “Want a beer? I got Fat Tire.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I know it’s your favorite.”
“Thanks, babe.” He kisses my cheek.
With the pizza ordered, I curl my feet under me on the couch and lean into Cole.
“You’re going tomorrow night?”
“Yeah.” I take a drink of wine.
“Good,” he exhales.
“Are you okay?”
“Of course.” He takes a swig of his beer and asks, “What are we watching?”
“Movie or Big Bang Theory marathon?”
“Big Band Theory.”
“Good choice.”
My skin tingles as Cole draws circles on my arm. It feels natural to have him here, sitting like this, yet at times I need to kick out the negative thoughts that try to bring me down. I tell myself that this is a normal part of moving forward. Everyone grieves differently, and I’ve worked hard to get to this point where contentment comes naturally. For months, I was fighting reality. However, I still feel the need to justify myself.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” Olivia smiles conspiratorially.
“What’s up with you?”
“Nothing,” she waves me off. “I’m happy you’re out and having fun. Just wish I could drink with you.”
Now, I smile. “How are you feeling?”
“Good. The doctor says the baby looks good. You can’t really see much of it yet, but it’s heart is beating strongly.”
“He or she will be a healthy baby,” I assure her.
“Yeah.” She casually touches her stomach, which is still flat. “Once I start feeling the baby moving, I’ll be more at ease because I’ll know it really is okay. It’s weird to call it an it. I should get one of those weird nicknames people give their babies before they know the gender.”
I laugh.
“Hey, guys,” Jen says.
“Hey,” Liv and I both say.
“Glad I made it on time.”
“Where were you?” Olivia asks.
“I was getting Ryder’s Christmas gift. I had to pick it up today.”
“What did you get him?” I ask her.
Jen’s eyes light up. “A pocket watch engraved with “’til the end of time.”
“That’s nice,” I compliment.
“Ryder’s been wanting one. His grandfather had one when Ryder was a child, but his uncle kept it when he passed.”
“That’s sweet,” Liv says.
The lights dim and the guys go on stage, the entire crowd cheering them on. We listen to their songs, Jen and I with beers in hand. I catch glimpses of Cole as he plays the drums and observe him play in a different light. I take in his movements, his facial expressions, the smile that crosses his face as their fans sing along with Cash.
“We’ve got a special song for you tonight,” Cash speaks. “Hope you enjoy it.” He winks.
A slow ballad plays and Olivia sighs next to me. She has a goofy grin, and I think this must be another one of those romantic songs Cash wrote for her. Until I hear the first words.
You think you’re broken,
Torn apart at the seams,
But, baby, your soul is whole
And your heart is full
I see you smile at the simple things
And wish you could see
All the life you still have to give
And I hope you’ll give it to me,
One day I’ll show you what you mean to me
Broken looks beautiful on you,
Broken exposes your heart to me
And I want to take it in my hands
And protect it
Your broken pieces make me whole
So let me be the one to show
How we fit together
I used to dream of a world with you,
Knowing I’d never be that lucky,
But fate is funny,
And today I stand before you
Asking for a chance to prove myself
Broken looks beautiful on you,
Broken exposes your heart to me
And I want to take it in my hands
And protect it
Your broken pieces make me whole
So let me be the one to show
How we fit together
We’ve got our lives to make this work
And I’m counting on forever to give you the world
Gonna give you the world, girl
Your broken pieces make me whole
So let me be the one to show
How we fit together
Halfway through the song, I realize Cole is singing the chorus along with Cash. His eyes are on me as I cover my mouth with my hand and cry. Olivia wraps her arm around me and pulls me into her.
“It’s a beautiful song,” she whispers.
I nod. “Did he write it?”
“Yes. He cares about you, Bri. A whole lot.”
“He has it bad,” Jen chimes in.
“It’s scary,” I confess to my two best friends. “I sold the house. I move in January.” Everything is happening so fast.
“Everything is working out as it’s supposed to,” Liv comforts me.
After they close out the night, the guys come up to us. Cole smiles nervously.
“Thank you,” I hug him. “That’s a beautiful song.”
“Told you she’d like it,” Ryder says next to us.
“I was fucking nervous,” he admits. “You want another drink?”
“I’m good for now. Thanks.”
“How are my girls?” Cash rubs Olivia’s stomach and kisses her.
“You’re going to be real disappointed if it’s not a girl,” I hear her say.
“Nah, I’ll be happy either way. We can always make another one.”
The idea of having children was buried with Josh’s body. Another dream that died alongside him. I look over at Cole. I’m not ready for all of that again, but spending time with him is giving me the hope that maybe I could have that whole picture one day.
I still have my fear, and I haven’t brought it up to Liza. It’s like I’m sabotaging this relationship before it can take off. I’ll talk to her about it in my next appointment.
“Did you really like the song?” Cole asks.
“I loved it.”
“I started it a while ago. I wasn’t sure if it’d be too much, too soon, but this is our last show here for a while and I wanted to share it already.”
“No one has ever written me a song.” I hug his middle and place my cheek on his chest.
“Then I’m happy to be your first for that.” The meaning that weighs in his words is laid on thick. He’ll never get a lot of firsts when it comes to our relationship, but I wouldn’t want it another way. Josh came first, and he will always be first.
“Wanna dance?” He asks.
We go toward the crowd already moving their bodies to the beats and begin to dance together.
A flashback from a time Josh and I came to Riot to watch Rebel Desire perform flies through my mind. I take a step back from Cole as I see myself laughing playfully with Josh. I can’t remember exactly what he said that made me giggle. He then looked in my eyes and said, “I’m going to love you forever.”
My eyes refocus and Cole is staring at me. I don’t move, and he’s wrapping his arms around me in an instant.
“It’s okay.”
He must be aware of what crossed my mind. I keep my tears from falling, because Cole doesn’t deserve that comparison. He deserves his own chance, especially after the song he wr
ote and performed.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t apologize. I’m here for the good and the bad.” We walk to the bar. “Drink?”
“Please.”
Cole cups my cheek, passing his thumb across the top of it. “You’re beautiful.” He leans in and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes and allow the sensation to comfort me.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Beer before liquor, never sicker,” I recite. “Screw it, Jack and Coke.”
Cole laughs and places our order. I lean against the bar, watching the patrons dance and sing while balancing their drinks in their waving hands. Memories of Josh are everywhere, not only in the house. I have to work on moving through them instead of resisting them. What I did now was good, yet the emotional pain lingered.
I can’t resist what I shared with him, because that would only get in the way of my acceptance of what occurred and in honoring him. I wish I were already at the point where I could think about him with love, but not feel overpowered by his loss. I wish I could give my heart to the man standing next to me, because he is doing everything in his power to take care of it. I want to be able to take care of his.
“Do you want to leave?” Cole asks.
“No. I’m having fun.” I laugh. “Don’t raise your eyebrows and look at me as if I’m crazy.” I smack his arm.
“I’m the crazy one.” He wraps an arm around my lower back. “I’m crazy to pursue you.” I frown. “Because I’m not good enough for you. I’m not as good as he was, but I want to be.”
“No, don’t. Don’t compare yourself. You’re exactly who I need right now. You’re the man that pulled me out of the hole I was digging myself in and made sure I saw the sunlight.”
Cole kisses me with emotion, not shying away from the crowd. His measured movements are reversed as his lips explore mine.
The thing that makes two people form a relationship isn’t the conversations they have or the shared interests. I can have the same conversations with different people and not feel more than a friendship. It’s deeper than that. It’s an emotion that sparks between the two. It’s difficult to describe because feelings are mystic. They are born from a different part of us, one not in the brain.
He is my second chance. Cole is the person bound to me so that I may live out the rest of these emotions with someone. The experience of love doesn’t have to end.
I smile against his mouth.
“Sorry. I got carried away.”
“You don’t look sorry.”
“Can you blame me?”
“Thank you for giving me a second chance at all of this.”
Rebel Desire is in New York City for a show and I miss Cole. We’ve spoken as much as we could, and it’s given me time to catch up with Wendy and Olivia. It’s only a weekend, and I decided I’d start packing some stuff up while I have the time.
“Do you want me to put everything from the guest room in a box?” Olivia peeks into the living room and asks.
“Yes, please. All of that can be packed up for a few weeks.”
I’m packing up all my frames and photo albums. I’ll have to see what I do with half this stuff when I move. I loved the apartment I saw over at my old complex, but half of this furniture won’t fit in an apartment. I thought about asking the Kline’s if they’re interested in any of it, if not I’ll donate it.
The pieces I love, I’ll take with me.
“Holy crap,” Liv yells.
“What happened?” I get up and race to the guest bedroom.
“There was an attack in New York. Something about a shooting.”
“What?” My heart stops. “When? Where?” Panic sets in.
“I’m not sure. I’m calling Cash.” I sit on the floor and rock back and forth. The tears are building. “It’s okay, Bri. I’m sure they’re okay.”
I ignore her, hugging my knees. This can’t be happening. Not again. I jump when Liv touches me.
“Hey.” She sits next to me. “Breathe. Use those tools Mikayla and Liza have taught you.”
I knew I should’ve talked to Liza about this. I should’ve told her my fear of losing another person was seeded deep within me. Instead, I ignored it. My chest constricts. Pain shoots through it. Olivia is talking, but I’ve zoned her out. She’s on the phone. I don’t know with who. Everything is blurring. I dig my head into my arms and cry.
I’ll always live this way. I’ll always be punished with the fear that cripples me. The fear that owned me when Josh was alive and overseas. No matter where we are, death is inescapable. Whether it is now or later, it will happen. I can’t lose someone again.
“The guys are okay,” Olivia sits back down next to me. “They were already at the airport to come back. They hadn’t heard the news yet.”
I can’t deal with this. Cole travels so much with the band, and I’ll worry. I’m putting myself in the same situation I was in.
“Hey, Bri. Did you hear me? The guys are safe.”
I look up at her. “I can’t do this.” I shake my head. “I can’t,” I repeat.
“Shh…” Liv rubs my back.
I have no idea how much time passes, but I hear voices. “She’s here.”
“Bri.” I look up and see Cole. I don’t move. I stay in my safe huddle. “Hey.” He sits next to me. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
I stare through him. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?”
“This.” I motion between us. “It’s too much. I won’t be able to… If something happens to you… No.”
“Nothing is going to happen to me.”
“How do you know?” I demand. “You don’t. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. You don’t have to be fighting for our country to die,” I yell. “I can’t live with this constant worry.”
“Calm down, babe.”
“Don’t call me that.” My eyes are wide.
“Bri,” Cole’s eyes are full of hurt.
“I can’t do this, Cole. I’m sorry. It was a mistake. Please go.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Go. I don’t want you here.”
“This is bullshit, Bri. You know it, too.”
“Get out.”
I can’t believe this shit. I can’t believe she’s kicking me out of her house. I slam the door on the way out, all control lost. I was fucking excited to get back and spend a few hours with her before the week began. I was counting down the minutes until we landed, and this is the shit I get. Olivia said she was shaken up, but I didn’t think she was breaking up with me. So much for not living in Josh’s ghost.
I sit in my car and stare out the window. If something happens to you. I can’t predict the future, but I’m not going anywhere. I grip the steering wheel with force, knuckles white.
What the fuck am I doing? I get out of the car and go back into the house.
“This isn’t over,” I call out. “I’m not letting you…” Bri is lying in fetal position in the spot I left her. Her entire body quakes. I sit next to her and stroke her arm. “Bri, I’m not going anywhere.”
I comfort her in silence, allowing her to release the pain and fear she’s holding. I hum different songs that soothe me as I lie behind her and encase her in my arms.
“Cry it out. I’ll be right here when you’re done. I may not be able to promise what will happen in the world, but I will promise that I’ll stay safe. I’ll always do my best to come back to you. The world’s a crazy place and violence is real, but the thought of you will bring me home each time.”
Bri finally looks at me, red and swollen eyes. “The fear of losing another person I care about drowns me. I wouldn’t be able to bear it.”
“You’re in luck, because I’m a pretty damn good lifeguard.”
“I’m sorry. I want you in my life, but I’d rather not have you than go through that pain again.” We both sit up.
“You’re stuck with me. Try to push me away all you want, I’ll bounce back.”
I brush the mess of hair away from her face. The force of Bri’s hug surprises me. I hold her small frame. “I got you.”
Bri cries into my neck. Every ounce of emotion she held on to in the last few hours is escaping her.
Things were so good between us. We were having fun, getting more serious. I refuse for something like this to tear her away from me. Not when I finally have her. Sharing that song with her was as naked as I could get.
“I need to work through this fear.” Her tear-stained face kills me. I kiss each cheek and each of her eyelids.
“Tell me what you need. I’m here to support you in every way.”
“I need to bring it up with Liza. I’ll call her this week and see if she’s free, so I won’t have to wait until the following week.”
“Good idea.”
“Will you stay a while?” Her voice is hoarse.
“Of course. As long as you want me to.”
“I just want to sit here a while.”
I nod and hold her to me. We sit in silence, processing everything that happened.
Since Sunday evening’s fiasco, Bri has talked to Liza and is working on her fear-coping tools. She’s also gone back to see Mikayla. She says that it will take some time to overcome that fear, but she’s determined to kick it to the curb.
I’ve been more watchful of her since then. I go over more often during the week and call or text message when I have a free moment. I want her to know that I’m here to help her. I use the excuse that I want to help her pack to see her. Anything that will get me to her.
“Hey, what do you want for dinner?” She peers into the living room. Yup, any excuse to see her.
I tape up the box I finished filling and mark what it is. “How about I take you out?”
“Are you sure?” She looks around the living room.
“I’m positive. You’re half way through your packing and still have a couple weeks before you need to move.” I walk up to her and place my hands on her hips. “I want to.” I kiss her forehead.
“Can I finish packing up a few more things and shower?”
“Of course. I’ll help.” I laugh when she shoots me a look. “With the packing.” I hold my hands up. Not that I wouldn’t mind helping her with a shower, but I’m letting her lead this. She laughs with me and kisses my cheek. I stop her from walking away and pull her to me by her hand. Kissing her softly, I whisper, “I’m proud of you.”
Love You Through It Page 17