If I Fall...: Will You Forgive Me? (Angelore Saga Book 2)

by Jennifer Christy

  “I acted poorly toward you last night, and for that, I’m sincerely sorry,” Nathan said as they sped along Interstate 15. JD didn’t respond for a while as she absorbed Nathan’s apology.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “This must be a tough situation for you and Matthew.”

  Nathan shrugged. “We’ll get through it. Somehow.”

  “Will Matthew be able to find me in L.A.?”

  “It will be more difficult for him to get close to you while you are there,” he said as he drove along the scenic highway. The sky was a steel gray, and fog hovered around them above the pristine whiteness of the snow. But JD hardly noticed, worried now about being vulnerable in L.A. without Nathan’s protection.

  “Why?” she wondered bleakly.

  “False Ones are territorial. L.A. is the territory of a particularly powerful False One. Matthew wouldn’t dare cross the boundary to cause commotion in L.A. over you. Still, you need to take precautions while you are there,” Nathan explained.

  “What precautions?”

  “Don’t be alone. Be inside before dark. Pray.” He gave her a serious look. She nodded. She had done the prayer thing, and it wasn’t hard. She just wasn’t sure how effective it was.

  “Can’t you come with me?” JD asked.

  “Not with Matthew and the False One still loose. I’ve got others to worry about and keep safe here,” he said firmly. After a moment, he glanced at her. “I’m sorry,” he said and took her hand. “I’m just angry at Matthew for being so stupid…” Nathan’s voice trailed away.

  She looked down at Nathan’s hand grasping hers and marveled. There wasn’t anything obvious about his physical appearance that would suggest he was anything but human. His hand was firm, had light-colored hair along the back of it, faint blue veins crossed the back of his knuckles that tapered into long, strong fingers. JD traced the lines of his fingers and couldn’t help but remember Matthew’s hands, so similar, but much more rough and calloused.

  Nathan looked over, and she caught his questioning look. “So human,” she murmured. Nathan glanced at his hand, and then removed it from her grasp to set back on the steering wheel.

  “I am human,” he said sadly.

  “Really?” she probed, “But how can you fly and disappear like you do?”

  “I’m a mortal that happens to have Angelic powers,” he tried to explain. “It’s a complicated story and one that I can’t really share with you right now.”

  “More secrets?” JD sighed in disgust.

  “No such thing as secrets, Julia,” Nathan chided. “There are just some truths you aren’t ready for.”

  “I don’t like that,” she pouted. “That’s not fair. I’ve been through a lot already. I feel like I deserve to know everything. Like, what happened to you with that wound on your side that I saw at Thanksgiving? That should mean something if I can remember that.”

  “Ok,” Nathan said, perplexed. “I will tell you about that. Then maybe you can figure out the rest on your own.”

  “Good,” JD said, sitting up straighter in her seat to give Nathan her undivided attention. He cast her a wary glance before starting.

  “I’ve never told anyone about my past. Not even Roy,” he began. “I passed from mortality in 1903. I was thirty years old and unmarried−no family except Matthew. We were working the farm our parents left us when they died, but we were failing. We were on the verge of losing it, when Matthew and I had an idea…” As he spoke, images began to fill her mind. She could clearly see what he was speaking of. It was so sudden, she wondered if perhaps Nathan was working some sort of power over her.

  The images flowed past her mind’s eye and pulled her in so she felt she was actually there alongside Nathan in the heat of the day on a trail that wound through a rust red canyon. Matthew was trailing behind. They had been running.

  Her memories revealed that she had called out, “Look out,” when she saw the shadowed figure before either of the brothers did; a woman all in black with long white hair. Nathan didn’t see her coming. Shots rang out. Nathan crumpled, Matthew ran towards Nathan, and the woman shot him in the back. He fell instantly and didn’t move. Nathan rolled to his side and called for his brother. She watched as the woman retrieved a golden cylinder from one of the bags near Nathan, then stood and aimed her gun at Nathan.

  A voice called out and the woman hesitated and turned around as a second dark figure emerged from the shadows of the surrounding trees. This new figure bore a sword in its hands, and motioned toward the whitehaired woman. They exchanged words and then with a short bow of the head, the whitehaired woman turned back to the two men laying on the ground. She removed the cap from one end of the cylinder she had taken from the bag, breathed on the end of it until it turned red hot. Then, she stepped on Nathan’s left wrist and pressed the end of the cylinder onto the back of his hand. He cried out in pain. JD stared in horror, as the woman moved to Matthew and did the same thing, but Matthew made no response as his life blood spilled out. JD couldn’t reason out the significance of the woman’s actions.

  A third person arrived. A man in lighter shades of clothing, also bearing a sword. He had fine blond hair and sparkling green eyes. He looked at JD for a moment, and said something to her that her memory wouldn’t allow her to hear, but by his actions, it was clear that he wanted her to leave. She could tell he was upset and angry, but then the vision ended abruptly.

  “Julia?” Nathan asked, giving her a look of concern. She blinked rapidly, feeling a jolt as space and time seemed to hurtle her back to the present.

  “You didn’t die,” JD heard herself say. She turned and looked at Nathan with wide eyes.

  “I did not die,” he confirmed.

  “What happened? Who was that woman that shot you? And why?” she asked, eyeing him warily. Nathan kept his eyes firmly on the road, jaw firmly clenched. That was all he was going to reveal, she realized. She stared at him, a tickle of a thought caught her attention, but she couldn’t focus on it, couldn’t tease it out of the deep recesses of her mind - at least not yet. She’d have to try another line of questioning.

  “You and Matthew are trapped here, aren’t you?” she stated, trying to sort through the puzzle pieces of information she had collected over the past several weeks.

  “I can’t say anything more,” Nathan said quickly, “I’ve already said too much.”

  JD saw the strain etched in his eyes when he spoke and pulled back. She already had a lot of information to sort through now with the vision she had just had triggered by Nathan’s story. She wouldn’t press Nathan to break his promise to whoever demanded it of him.

  “Just be careful,” Nathan warned. “Matthew’s choices have hardened his feelings. He doesn’t love you anymore, no matter what he says.” JD felt the sting of his words, but heard something in the tone of his voice that she couldn’t identify.

  “And what do I do if he shows up again?” she asked.

  “Pray,” Nathan said then glanced at her. Seeing her panicked expressions, he amended his statement, “I mean, don’t worry. You’ll be watched over, but you need to pray for it. Angels can’t do anything to or for Mortals unless asked.”

  “Why?”

  “Agency,” Nathan said. “It’s all about agency. It’s a Universal Law that even God obeys. Agency is the greatest gift a mortal has. No one can force or take that away. Mortals must learn to travel through this life to the Light using their agency. They can choose to do it alone, or they can ask for help. I highly recommend asking for help. You have no idea how many Fallens would love to claim you as their own.” JD felt her skin prickle into tiny bumps. Nathan turned his head slightly to look at her, and in a serious tone, said, “A Fallen Mortal is deadlier than a Fallen Angel.”

  Chapter 17

  Six hours later, Rick picked JD up at the LAX airport in his red mustang convertible. His mouth was down turned, and his gray eyes were full of sympathy. He gave JD a tight, lasting hug that only caused her to cry as the reality
of her grandfather’s passing began to sink in. They chatted about their memories of Gramps, laughed a little and cried more.

  Rick dropped her off at her apartment to get refreshed before her appointment with her grandfather’s lawyer later that afternoon. Thoughts of Torrey, Matthew, Nathan, and the project evaporated as she felt herself swallowed up in her grief.

  JD half expected Missy to be home to greet her, but a note on the microwave conveyed her condolences, and informed her that she was busy helping with the funeral arrangements and ironically the company Christmas party that was held that night after the funeral. Everyone agreed that Gramps would not want the party cancelled.

  JD retreated to her bedroom as memories of her childhood spent with her grandfather played across her mind. She pulled out old photographs and scrapbooks. Tears flowed freely, as she read the short journal entries in the scrapbooks that contained so many cherished memories of her time with the man who had raised her.

  A few hours later, Rick knocked on her door to take her to her appointment. She quickly wiped away her smudged mascara, brushed her hair, and hurried out. She had no idea what to expect at the private appointment with Mr. Grimes, the lawyer handling her grandfather’s estate. But as was Gramps’ style, it was short, simple, and to the point. She inherited everything, including seventy-five percent interest in the company she worked for. The other twenty-five percent belonged to Rick, but she knew that already. Rick smiled approvingly when she shared the information with him afterward.

  “Welcome aboard partner,” Rick shook her hand. JD was in a daze when she realized that she had in fact, achieved the life goal of owning her own construction firm. In her narrow definition of success, she was there, and yet, she didn’t feel the happiness that she thought would accompany the success. She realized that, even though she had inherited the business, she hadn’t really done it all on her own. Would that have made it better, she wondered, if she had worked hard on her own to build a company? Would it have brought her a sense of accomplishment and happiness knowing that she did it all by herself? She didn’t know. All she understood now was that Gramps was dead and she was alone, with no family left. Except for perhaps for her mother, but God only knew where she was.

  The funeral was in keeping with Gramps’ wishes, just a quick service and time for those who wanted to, share their reflections on his life. JD stood by the coffin and removed from her pocket the small silver bell ornament she had bought for him. She leaned forward and fastened it to the floral arrangement laid across the coffin. She stepped back and sat on a folding chair beneath the canopy and stared at Gramps’ coffin suspended over the open grave.

  Friends, neighbors, employees, and colleagues mingled, quietly whispering to one another. For the most part, her surroundings did not register in her consciousness until a hand slipped onto her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. She glanced up, startled to see a face she did not know immediately, but when the woman smiled, she recognized her.

  “Stacey!” JD said in greeting as she sat up. JD had never called her mom. Stacey insisted on that since the first time JD could remember meeting her mother. JD marveled over how her mother shared similar facial features with Gramps. The shape of the face, her thin-lipped smile and straight nose, even the way she held her shoulders back. Though she was only eighteen years older than JD, Stacey looked twice her age. Her hair was bleached blond and frizzy. She wore wide lens sunglasses and a nose ring and there were fine lines about her mouth and at the corner of her eyes.

  “Mind if I join you?” Stacey asked in a gravelly voice, motioning to an empty seat near her.

  “Yes,” JD said, feeling a surge of mixed emotions. It hadn’t once crossed her mind that her mother would be here. JD wracked her memory trying to remember when the last time she had seen Stacey. It had to have been at least 10 years, JD concluded.

  Stacey sat down heavily with a sigh. Her dress was black, but it wasn’t long enough to hide the tattoos around her forearms, wrists, and ankles when she crossed her legs. She reeked of cigarettes.

  “Long time,” Stacey said, and her voice cracked. JD could only assume the cigarettes had robbed her of the smoother voice she once had when she sang a song and played her guitar from Gramps and JD at dinner one time when she had been in town for a visit. She wondered if Stacey sang anymore.

  “How have you been?” JD asked.

  “Had better days, but I’m here.” She gave JD’s knee a familiar pat and smiled grimly.

  “Did you have a chance to see him before he passed?” JD wanted to know.

  Stacey shook her head slowly. “Nah. I only got word yesterday. I guess they had a hard time finding me.” A long moment passed before Stacey turned her head and looked at JD.

  “Heard he left you everything,” she said.

  “Yes, he did.” JD responded shortly, suspicious of her comment.

  Stacey nodded. Another long moment passed, and then Stacey brought out a box from her purse−a small, simple wooden box, and handed it to JD.

  “What is this?’ JD asked as she tentatively took it.

  “Something I think your grandparents would have liked you to have,” Stacey answered.

  JD glanced at her curiously, and then snapped the lid back to reveal a pair of wedding bands. A man’s thick, plain, gold band and the other sporting a small princess cut diamond. She withdrew the rings for a closer inspection, noticing that they each had an inscription inside. JD tilted one of the rings back and peered at the small lettering. “My Forever Angel” she read on the ring with the diamond. “Angel Heart” was inscribed on the other.

  “What happened to them? Why did they divorce?” JD asked absently.

  “Does it matter?” Stacey said with a hint of a sneer.

  JD looked at her expectantly, “I just want to know how two people who can claim they love each other one day, leave each other the next.” She couldn’t see Stacey’s eyes in the reflective lenses of her sunglasses, but she could tell Stacey was considering an answer.

  After a few moments, Stacey said, “Selfishness. Stubbornness. The usual things that happen to people to rob their love for each other. Pride, too. I remember they fought all the time. I think the strain took a toll on my mom’s health. She couldn’t take it anymore and moved out. I was twelve. We moved back east where she was from. She had a string of boyfriends later, but never remarried. I don’t think she could have handled another fight. She died of a heart attack shortly after you were born. I didn’t find out until about six months later.” Stacey sniffed, removed her sunglasses, and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe at her eyes. “I was unreachable, and I didn’t want to be found anyway,” she confessed and let the silence fall between them as people moved quietly around them, giving them space.

  “I didn’t want to miss this,” Stacey added quietly. She took a deep breath, and then exhaled it, like she was pushing the pain out of her, like it had not really ever gone away, but had only slightly lessened. Stacey turned toward JD and took her hand. “Listen. I am sorry,” she said. “You deserved a better mother.” JD could see the mascara pool beneath Stacey’s reddened eyes.

  JD didn’t know how to answer that. She pulled away from Stacey and set the rings back into the box, beginning to feel her eyes sting. The questions were emerging and bouncing around inside, seeking answers to quiet the insecurities and anxieties that had shaped and molded JD into who she was.

  “Why did you abandon me?” she blurted, lifting her eyes to glare at the woman who had given her life.

  Stacey shrank back, and then she hung her head and wept, covering her face with the handkerchief. JD reached out a hand and took Stacey’s. The older woman clung onto it. After a moment, Stacey told JD her story.

  “I was sixteen when I ran away from home. I was searching for something, but I didn’t know what it was. I made some mistakes. When I found out I was having a kid, I got scared. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go home, but I knew that I couldn’t have a kid while living on the street. So
, I….” she put a hand over her eyes and the timbre of her voice changed to a lower register, emotion impinging upon her voice already made rough by years of cigarette abuse.

  “I went to get an abortion,” she whispered as she kept her eyes hidden behind her hand. “But while waiting in that cold, silent room, I got scared. I couldn’t do it. Whatever bad things I had done, I didn’t want to add to it. I had a feeling that there was another answer.

  “I hitchhiked to California−scariest thing I ever did. But I made it. I found my dad and stayed with him till after you were born.” Stacey paused and drew in a deep, shuddering breath. “And when I saw you, a perfect little angel faced baby. I felt so insufficient. I…I….” Her voice broke, and she began to cry again.

  JD put her arm around the woman before she realized what she was doing. Her pain struck JD’s heart like a sledgehammer against a hard, plaster wall. A sucking black hole was on the other side of that plaster wall, a hole longing to be filled with love and nurturing.

  “I wanted you to have a better life,” Stacey continued. “but I couldn’t lose you to a stranger. I didn’t think it through. I just acted on impulse and left you with my dad. He was a good person, and he did a good job.” She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with the handkerchief.

  JD squeezed her arm. “He did do a good job. I loved him so much.” The hard, plaster wall around her heart that had grown over the years shattered into a thousand pieces. All those cold, hard pieces of resentment and anger for Stacey that she had built up fell away exposing the tender feelings of a little girl who thought her mother had abandoned her like so much trash. Stacey lowered her hand and leaned forward, putting her arms around JD, and they sat like that for a long time, just holding each other, crying softly.

  After a while, Stacey pulled away and said, “I’ve wanted to explain that for years, Julia. I’m glad we had this time. Now you know all my secrets.”

  JD gazed at her mother, and wondered how life would have played out differently had Gramps’ marriage worked out, or, if Stacey had stuck around after she had been born. Who knew? Stacey gave her one last hug, got up, and walked away once again. JD watched her go, and then saw Rick approaching.