“We’ve got supersuits,” Randy pointed out.
“No, you’ve got supersuits. I’ve got a spandex costume I first wore when I was twelve, and which—in the unlikely event that we survive—you’ll probably have to cut me out of.”
Anna peered around the edge of the truck. The heat stung at her eyes and forced her back into cover. “OK, fair point,” she said. “Can you do anything? With your powers, I mean? Can you, I don’t know, shut it off?”
“What? No. It doesn’t work like that,” Sam said.
“Then how does it work, Kid Random?” Randy demanded. “Chuck said you were the most powerful guy on the team. Obviously, that’s wrong. We all know it’s me.”
“We don’t know that,” Anna countered.
“Well, who’s the one with the army of butterflies?” Randy asked.
“That doesn’t make you the most powerful one on the team,” Anna said. “I mean, it’s almost irrelevant.”
“My point is, you and Butterfly King have done your share. Some of us more than others,” Randy said, slipping effortlessly into referring to himself in third person. “But Kid Random? What has he done besides hold us back and kill a lot of turtles?”
“I made that bull disappear,” Sam protested. “Or… I don’t know. Go away somewhere.”
“Oh, whoop-te-do,” Randy spat. “Who hasn’t made a bull disappear?”
Sam opened his mouth to question this, but an excited yelp from Anna stopped him.
“Shit! Wait! Of course!” she said. “The secret entrance.”
“The what?” asked Sam.
“It’s a superhero headquarters,” Anna said. “It has a secret entrance. I know where it is.”
Sam blinked in surprise. “Will it get us inside?”
“Well, that’s generally what entrances are for, so yes,” Anna said. Keeping low, she ran away from the cathedral, keeping the truck between her and the building. “Come on, it’s this way,” she urged. “But I should warn you, you’re probably not going to like it.”
Sam stood knee-deep in raw sewage, trying very hard not to vomit while Anna stood before what appeared at first glance to be a perfectly ordinary brick wall, albeit one dappled with human waste.
At second glance, it appeared to be the same thing, and the past few minutes of watching Anna randomly jab at bricks had done nothing to convince Sam otherwise.
“I’m sure it’s one of these,” Anna said, prodding another of the stones. Her fingertip left an oval-shaped smear in the slick brown surface. “Or maybe you had to press a few in order. I think that was it.”
She poked at a few others, with much the same lack-of-effect. “Maybe if I just sort of mash them all at once,” she suggested, slamming the palms of her hands against the brickwork.
Sam wanted to voice his concerns that this was a big waste of time, but he knew that if he opened his mouth he’d immediately be sick down his front, and his costume was in a bad enough state as it was.
“Or two at once, maybe?” Anna guessed. She chose two apparently random bricks and pressed them.
Nothing happened.
“Are you sure it’s the right wall?” Randy growled.
“Yes! Of course it’s the right wall!” Anna snapped. “We used to come in this way a lot if Memetzo didn’t want people knowing he was at home.”
She shrugged. “Well, I mean, he could teleport straight to his chamber from anywhere in the world, but I came in this way a lot, and this is definitely the right wall.” She pressed another couple of bricks and watched, hopefully, while nothing continued to happen.
“Shit!”
“Right,” said Randy. “It’s just this one has a load of magical symbols on it.” He gestured to another apparent dead end beside him. “And it’s in the shape of a door.”
Anna frowned over at Randy’s wall, then back to her own. She shot a quick look up at the ceiling, getting her bearings, then sloshed through the river of shit. “He must’ve moved it,” she said.
The sight of the symbols stirred some dormant muscle-memory, and Anna’s fingers prodded several of the bricks in quick succession. As she pressed each one, the magical symbol carved into the stone illuminated.
After she’d touched the final brick, the wall shifted aside, revealing a staircase lit in an eerie shade of blue. “Ta-daa!” Anna announced.
She stepped through the doorway, and the space around her seemed to ripple as she passed beneath the arch. The layer of greasy excrement that had been clinging to her costume evaporated.
“Great, that still works!” she said, beckoning the others through. Sam followed quickly, breathing with relief as his own costume instantly became sewage free. He was relieved to find that breathing with relief was a possibility here, as whatever had magically cleaned him up was also blocking the smell from the other side of the door.
Randy stepped through, laden down with butterflies. They sat on his head and shoulders, clung to his cape, and hung from his back, their movements making it look as if his whole costume had come to life.
The staircase was an old wrought-iron thing that twisted in a corkscrew shape to a platform above. Anna crept up it, leading the way.
A wooden door stood at the top. Anna reached for the handle, but Sam stopped her.
“Wait. We don’t know what’s through there,” he said, pulling off one of his gloves. He tentatively touched the metal handle a couple of times, then gripped it more firmly. “It’s cool,” he whispered. “I think we’re OK.”
While Sam replaced his glove, Anna creaked the door open. The room beyond was dark, the light from the doorway illuminating only a few feet of flagstone flooring.
“You sure we’re in the right place?” Sam whispered.
Anna nodded. “This is the crypt. Or, like, the basement,” She gestured upward with her eyes. “That’s where the action will be.”
“Guys, listen,” Randy growled. “Can you hear something?”
They listened. They could hear the crackling of distant fire, but that was all there was to…
Wait.
No.
There was another sound, too. A low, rasping hiss, like the dying wheeze of a set of burst bagpipes.
And below it, other sounds, still. A clicking. A soft regular bleep. It reminded Sam of a hospital.
“Lights,” Anna whispered.
The darkness remained.
“Shit. No. Uh, Illuminus,” she said. “Illuminai?”
Light seemed to explode from the molecules in the air itself, obliterating the darkness and revealing Sam’s brand new, no-doubt-about-it, most disturbing thing he’d ever seen.
A frail, thin woman sat in a chair in the center of the room. Or maybe was the chair. It was hard to tell where it stopped and she began. She was surrounded by breathing apparatus and banks of machinery, most of which connected to her arms and legs, or fed via transparent hoses into her nose and mouth.
Wires—thousands of wires—had been plumbed directly into her skull. They rose straight up like the world’s most ludicrously elaborate crown, tangling and entwining before vanishing into the ports of some flashing and blinking metal cabinet mounted to the ceiling.
Her eyes stared blankly ahead, and threads of saliva hung down from her chin. She groaned faintly in the sudden brightness, but otherwise did nothing to suggest she was conscious.
“Holy shit,” Anna whispered. “Is that…?”
“Calcu-Lass,” said Sam, the urge to throw-up returning. “It’s Calcu-Lass.”
“Is she OK?” Randy asked.
Anna tutted. “Does she look OK?”
Randy contemplated this. “Well, I mean, she’s looked better,” he said. “But she’s still pretty hot. You know, for a nerd.”
Anna threw him the dirtiest look she could muster, then crept past the banks of machinery and over to Calcu-Lass’s side. Calcu-Lass’s cheeks were gray and sunken. Much of her long dark hair had come out in clumps. What was left had a dry, straw-like texture and appeared as if it woul
d crumble at the slightest touch.
“Hey,” Anna whispered. “Hey, uh, Calcu-Lass? Can you hear me?”
The machinery huffed and pumped. Drool dribbled down her chin.
Anna turned to the others. “What was her name? Can you remember?”
“Calcu-Lass,” said Randy.
“Her real name.”
Sam’s brow furrowed for a moment. “Tahira,” he said. “I think… I’m pretty sure it was Tahira.”
“Tahira? Can you hear me? It’s Anna. It’s… Allergy Wo— Girl. It’s Allergy Girl. We’re here to help.”
Anna’s phone buzzed in her utility belt. She ignored it.
“Can you talk?” Anna asked, then she shook her head. “You’ve got a fucking hosepipe down your throat, of course you can’t talk.”
Randy punched his palm. “Sign language! Can she do sign language?”
“I doubt it,” said Anna, but as they didn’t have much other option, she asked the question, anyway. “Can you do sign language?”
Anna’s phone bleeped loudly. She glanced down at her belt, frowning. She was sure she’d turned it off.
Randy rapped on Tahira’s forehead with his knuckles.
“Jesus! What are you doing?” Sam demanded, pulling his hand away.
“Standard vegetable test,” Randy explained. “It’s the first thing they teach you at medical school.”
“I’m pretty sure it isn’t,” Sam said, but Randy dismissed it with a wave.
“She’s basically a potato. Damn shame,” Randy grimaced. He clenched his fists dramatically and spat out a snarl. “But mark my words, Calcu-Lass, you shall be avenged!”
“Uh, guys?” said Anna. She held up her phone. A message on the screen read:
Hey Anna! Long time no c. x
The name at the top of the message revealed it had been sent from ‘CL’.
“I don’t think she’s a potato,” Anna said. The phone bleeped immediately.
Lol. Def not!
Anna had barely finished reading that message when another one arrived.
In ridiculous agony tho.
This was followed by a sad smiley. Anna started to compose a, Well that sucks response when another message arrived.
U can talk. I can hear u.
“She says we can talk,” Anna said. “She says she can hear us.”
Randy’s eyes widened. “Did she hear me say I thought she was hot?” he fretted.
There was a bleep.
Totally. :p
“She may have heard something along those lines, yeah,” said Anna.
Sam stepped closer, being careful not to accidentally yank out any of the tubes and cables hooked up to her. “Did Jim do this to you?” he asked.
Savior. Yes, came the reply on Anna’s phone. She held it up for the others to see.
There was a momentary pause, then:
He’s a dick.
“You can say that again,” said Anna.
He’s nuts. He’s going to destroy whole city. U need 2 stop him.
“How?” asked Anna.
I can help. I can distract him so u can get his helmet of him.
This message was followed a half-second later by one that just said:
*off not of. Sorry.
U need 2 b quick, the next message read. He’s powering up. He’s going to kill every1.
“Shit. OK,” said Anna, glancing over to the corner where another door stood. “We’ll go up the stairs and try to catch him off-guard. Everyone good with that plan?”
“Bring it on!” Randy barked.
“Uh, yeah. I mean, sure,” said Sam.
Anna’s phone bleeped.
Can some1 stay? the message read. Don’t want 2 b alone NE more. :(
“Uh, sure. Yeah. I mean, of course,” said Anna. She handed the phone to Randy. “Stay here, will you? Talk to her with this.”
Randy turned the phone over in his hands a few times, then put it to his ear. “Hello?”
“No, I mean she’ll text you,” Anna said.
Randy frowned. “Text?”
Anna sighed. “Yes, you know, like… Shit.”
“He can’t read,” Sam pointed out. He took the phone from Randy. “I’ll stay.”
“What? No. You’re our big hitter. We need you up there. I’ll stay.”
Sam held onto the phone. “You said it yourself, I’ve contributed nothing,” he told her. “You almost got Jim to sneeze his helmet off. If anyone can stop him, it’s you. And now that Randy has his butterflies, he can help you.”
“She’ll be helping me,” Randy said. “Just want to make that clear. I’ll be the main one, and she’ll be helping me.”
Anna held Sam’s gaze for a moment, weighing up his words. At last, she nodded. “OK, then. We have a plan. Calcu-Lass distracts him, you keep her company, we’ll go kick the shit out of him when he isn’t looking and take his helmet off. Sound good?”
“Sounds awesome,” Randy snarled. He consulted the butterflies on his shoulders. “Right, guys?” he asked, then he grinned. “They’re totally in.”
Anna nodded, puffed out her cheeks, then nodded again. “OK, then. Let’s do it,” she said. “Battle Mode.”
Her suit transformed. Her phone bleeped.
That’s 2 cool!!!
“She’s impressed,” said Sam.
“Well, we’ll see if she’s still saying that three minutes from now when I’m on fire,” said Anna. She smiled at the motionless Calcu-Lass. “But thanks.”
Sam watched as Anna and Randy crossed to the door. His stomach twisted in fear and shame. He wanted to call out to them, to tell them not to go, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he managed a strained, “Good luck,” then the door clattered closed behind them, and they were gone.
He watched the door for almost a full minute, hoping it would open again and they’d come back. Mostly Anna. It’d be OK to see Randy too, obviously, but Anna was his more pressing concern.
The door didn’t open, though. Neither Anna nor Randy came back through.
Sam sighed and lowered himself onto a piece of equipment, taking a seat. It buzzed urgently and he jumped up again.
Please don’t sit on that.
“Sorry!” Sam said. “I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking.”
No worries
Sam shifted awkwardly on the spot. He clicked his fingers a few times, trying to think of what to say.
“So,” he began, finally settling on something. “How’ve you been?”
Not great.
“No,” said Sam. “No, I guess not.”
I lied.
Sam gazed down at the message, confused.
“What do you mean?”
I don’t need company. I’m in 300 chat rooms and I’m 40% of Facebook.
Sam looked from the screen to Tahira’s lifeless face. “Then why did you want someone to stay with you?” he asked, the fine hairs prickling on the back of his neck.
Y? Simple, the next message read. BCos U and me need 2 have a little cat.
Sam blinked several times in surprise. The phone bleeped again. The next message was brief, but helpful.
*chat. Sorry.
Chapter Thirty-Three
They found Savior standing on the Sanctuary, the raised platform at the head of the long aisle that ran almost the full length of the cathedral’s interior. He was pretty difficult to miss, what with the column of flame that surrounded him and stretched up through the gaping hole in the roof high above.
Anna and Randy peeked out through a doorway, half-hidden by a set of purple velvet curtains. Savior had his back to them, which would’ve made him ripe for attack, had it not been for the whole pillar of fire thing.
“Now what?” Anna wondered, the question aimed more at herself than at Randy.
“We go over there and introduce him to Lefty and Righty,” Randy growled, holding up his right fist, then his left.
“If we get out of this, we really need to work on your basic education,” Anna whispered.
She ran her tongue across her teeth, deep in thought. “I don’t know if my powers can affect him through the fire,” she said. “We need to get him out of there.”
“I have an idea,” Randy said. He brought his fists up again. Anna pushed them down.
“Let’s leave Lefty and Righty for later,” she said. “Calcu-Lass said she was going to distract him, so let’s see what happens.”
Randy nodded, although he didn’t look happy about it.
They waited.
“Do you think she likes me?” Randy whispered.
Anna frowned. “Huh? Who? Calcu-Lass?”
Randy nodded.
“Uh, yeah. Sure. I mean… She wasn’t giving a lot away body-language wise, but… sure. Why not?”
There was a loud bee-beep from the Sanctuary. Savior fumbled in his pocket for a moment, then brought out a phone and read the screen.
He spun suddenly, his cape twirling. Even from this distance, and through all that fire, Anna saw his eyes darken behind his mask.
“Alternatively,” Anna groaned, “she may hate you, and want us both dead.”
Sam studied the screen of Anna’s phone, not quite sure how to respond.
I always liked u Sam. I watched u since u quit.
“Uh… OK,” was the most articulate response Sam could muster.
U got married.
“I did.”
:( :( :(
Sam glanced from the screen to Tahira’s face.
She wasn’t good enough 4 u.
“We, uh… She…” Sam said, fumbling for something to say, but coming up short.
No 1 is good enough 4 u.
U R special.
Sam’s lips suddenly felt very dry. He licked them, but it did little to help.
“Well, thank you,” he croaked. He edged toward the door. “So, anyway. I was thinking, if you don’t need me here, maybe I should go see how Anna and Randy are…”
A rope of cables wrapped around his legs and snaked up around his waist. The phone buzzed insistently in his hand.
Don’t go.
Don’t leave me.
There was a gap between messages, then:
I won’t let u.
The Sidekicks Initiative Page 31