“He’s just going to play you for a fool again,” he spat and turned on his heel toward his car.
My stomach pitched. Kyle had hit at the heart of my greatest fear in all this: that history would repeat itself and I would be left shattered. Again.
I bumped my car door closed with my hip and then leaned back into it, not quite ready to face the meeting ahead. Looking up at the building that had once been so familiar, I realized I wouldn’t have even recognized it if I had been driving by. Apparently, there had been brick beneath the ugly old siding, because a beautiful and expertly refurbished red surface looked back at me. It was perfect for a fighting gym. Taking a deep breath, I straightened my spine and pushed away from my car.
The pounding of my heart rang in my ears as I pushed open one of the double doors. There was a good chance I might puke on Austin’s shoes when I saw him. Welcome back to my life, friend! I took in the brand new interior as I tried, in vain, to slow my heart rate. There was now a modern reception desk and seating area right as you entered, and behind the reception desk sat a woman who looked like a Brazilian supermodel. I did a double-take when I realized I recognized her. “Sofia?”
“Carter!” Michael’s mother rounded the reception desk and pulled me into a tight hug. While I still saw my old student often, I hadn’t seen his mother in almost a year. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” My voice wavered, betraying me. My mind, already a riot of emotions, was now confused on top of it all. How long had Sofia worked here?
“I see my four o’clock is here.” My body froze at the low, warm tone. Austin.
Sofia let out a soft giggle and released me. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I couldn’t seem to make myself turn around. Time slowed. The blood in my ears roared. My heart thudded against my ribs. It was the hand at my elbow that did the trick, jarring me into motion. I spun around.
There was Austin in all his glory. Just like with his voice, he was different yet the same. My eyes traveled over his face and down his body. It seemed like he was more cut, his edges were sharper, and was it possible that he had gotten taller? But his eyes held that same warmth and spark of mischief that I remembered. Someone might as well have punched me in the stomach.
“Hey, Firecracker.” He extended his arms, and I immediately walked into them. It was like I was a puppet and he held all my strings. All my reservations, my determination to keep him at arm’s length, it all melted away at the first glance. While elements of his voice and body had changed, he smelled exactly the same. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and inhaled all that was Austin. “You okay?”
I nodded into his chest, not yet trusting my voice. When he pulled back, I saw that we were alone. “Hi,” was all I could muster.
Austin seemed to understand it would take a minute for me to relax. “Why don’t we head back to my office?”
I nodded in response, and he led me down a hallway filled with life-sized photos of fighters locked in battle. When we reached a door with a gold placard that read Boss, he stopped and pushed open the door. His office was not at all what I would have expected. In fact, it looked like something out of an HGTV show. Everything complemented each other perfectly, and there were even throw pillows on his couch—the old Austin hated throw pillows.
A set of bookcases that housed about a dozen framed photos beckoned to me. Most of them were of Austin with an arm raised above his head, being crowned victor of a fight. I paused at one where he was surrounded by Liam, Ford, and his dad, newly earned belt slung across his mid-section. I hated that there were all these memories that I hadn’t been a part of. That thought died as I came to a photo I’d never seen before. It was of Austin and me, my head was thrown back in laughter, and he was gazing down at me with utter reverence on his face. It was that look that had mixed me up inside. I felt heat at my back. “Liam took that one.”
I cleared my throat, stepping away from Austin’s warmth. “I haven’t seen it before.”
Austin held out an arm, gesturing for me to take a seat on the couch. “He gave it to me about six months after we stopped talking, right after I pulled my head out of my ass and realized what a jerk I’d been.” I looked down at the hands clasped in my lap, unsure of how to respond. “I was a mess for a long time after you said you needed space, and it took me even longer to realize how unfair and cruel I had been to you. I’m so sorry, Carter—”
I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to rehash all the ways that things had gone bad and why. “Austin,” I jumped in, “it’s not necessary for us to go back through all of this. In fact, I’d really rather not. I’m sure there are things we both regret in how things went down. Could we maybe just start from scratch?”
He blinked at me and then blinked again. Clearly, he’d had some big speech planned, and I had stolen his thunder. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”
I sagged back into the couch, letting out a small sigh of relief. From the corner of my eye, another picture caught my attention, it was of Austin and my favorite student, Michael. They were holding up their fists and mugging for the camera. My jaw hung open. “That’s…that’s Michael.” My head snapped towards Austin.
He tugged on the collar of his t-shirt. “Yeah, we hang out sometimes.”
“He’s never told me that.” Michael and I had stayed close even after he graduated from the fourth grade. Once a week, we met in my classroom, and I helped him with any schoolwork that he was having trouble with. Or, I took him to get In-N-Out. He always voted for In-N-Out. What could I say, he was a smart kid.
Austin rubbed a palm over the stubble on his jawline. “I asked him not to. I didn’t want to bring up any bad memories for you. I offered Sofia a job when I bought the place from Mel. She can bring Michael with her whenever she needs to, so he and I spend a fair amount of time together.”
My mind was spinning with all this new information. Wait, were Austin and Sofia together? That would explain a lot. I wanted to punch myself in the ovaries for the disappointment I was feeling. Austin must have seen where my mind headed because he quickly added, “She’s actually dating one of the fighters I’m training. A real good guy.”
I hated the sense of relief I felt at his words. “That’s great,” I croaked.
“You know that Michael’s dad, Joe, just got out of prison, right?”
My shoulders stiffened at all the memories that surrounded my attack and the weeks afterward. “Yeah, I know, the parole board notified me. My order of protection is still in place, and I really don’t think he’s going to be seeking me out.”
“You’re probably right, but just be extra cautious about locking your doors and being aware of your surroundings.”
A smile came to my lips. “Some things never change, huh?”
Austin quirked his head to one side. “What?”
“You, being overprotective. Some things never change.”
He shook his head, a grin of his own present. “I guess not. Speaking of, I want to talk to you about a program I’m starting.” Austin launched into his vision for an after-school program that would serve boys and girls of all ages from low-income backgrounds. He planned on having self-defense and martial arts classes, tutors to help with homework, and would even serve the kids an after-school snack and dinner. He eventually wanted to provide the high school-aged kids college and career counseling, as well as matching them up with weekend jobs to build up savings.
I was blown away. “This all sounds incredible. How can I help?”
Austin had a smile on his face that looked as if it might crack his cheeks. “I could really use a second set of eyes and ears while I do the hiring. I know what to ask from a business and martial arts perspective, but not so much from a kid perspective.”
I nodded. “Sure, I’d be happy to pull together some good questions to ask and sit in on any interviews.”
“I was hoping you’d say that. Are you available tomorrow after school? I’m having a few potential martial arts teachers come in and teach
a sample class.”
I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, nibbling on it. “I’m not sure I can do tomorrow. I have to take my car into the shop when class gets out, and Taylor is going to pick me up at the shop.”
“I can pick you up and drop you off at home afterward, it’s no problem.”
This was all progressing really quickly. I wasn’t sure how my little heart was going to handle all this togetherness time, but Austin looked so dang hopeful, I couldn’t say no. “If you’re sure you don’t mind.”
“I’m sure.”
“Okay, I’ll text you the address of my mechanic when I get home.”
Austin rose from his chair. “Sounds good, let me walk you to your car.”
I got to my feet, slipping my purse over my shoulder. Austin guided me through the door with a hand on the small of my back. Just that tiny contact stoked the embers of the fire I had thought long-ago extinguished. The chemistry I felt for Austin was still there, so what? He didn’t feel the same. All I had to do was stay strong and keep my guard up. I could do it because I refused to end up back in love with a guy who was never going to love me back.
26
Carter
I couldn’t help but have a huge grin on my face as I walked out of the gym with Austin. We’d spent the last four hours meeting with potential instructors for the youth program and discussing the candidates. Austin’s passion for the project was contagious, and I found myself daydreaming about all the things the program could accomplish.
Austin paused before opening the passenger car door for me. “How about I take you to dinner to celebrate?”
I stopped myself before the automatic “sure” could pop out of my mouth. Seventy-two hours of having Austin back in my life, and I was already in danger of slipping into old, familiar patterns. I needed distance. Some space and time to shore up my defenses. I toyed with my purse strap and bit down on the corner of my lip. “I think I’d better get home.”
Austin stared intently at me. “Come on, Carter, you have to eat.”
I pulled my shoulders back and looked him in the eye. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Austin said nothing, so I continued talking, trying to explain. “I just need to be better about boundaries.” My cheeks heated at the reminder of how I’d pined after Austin in the past. I never wanted to be that girl again.
A muscle in Austin’s cheek jumped as he ground his teeth together. “Okay, whatever you want.”
I slipped into the buttery-soft leather seats of Austin’s Range Rover as soon as he opened the door, setting my purse in my lap and trying desperately not to tell Austin I’d changed my mind. The car ride was quiet except for the sounds of the navigation system instructing Austin when to turn. My body grew tighter with each passing silent minute. I hated this awkwardness between us, but I didn’t see any way around it. I wasn’t willing to let myself fall back into being a total doormat when it came to Austin. I needed to stay strong.
Austin pulled to the side of the road, snagging a parking spot just a few houses down from mine and Taylor’s. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
I pulled the strap of my purse over my shoulder. “That isn’t necessary, my house is right there.”
He opened his car door. “I insist.”
“Of course, he insists, alpha-male overprotective nonsense,” I muttered to myself as I got out. With Joe out of prison, I should have been grateful, but Austin attempting to finagle us right back into the exact relationship we had been in before was getting on my last nerve.
“What did you say?” Austin asked as he rounded the front of the car.
“Nothing.” Taking off toward home, I left Austin in my wake. As I reached the gate, I saw an over-the-top arrangement of lilies and roses sitting on the steps. Our gate required a security code, so any deliveries had to be left out here. I bent down and pulled the card from the holder in the midst of the fragrant spray, it had my name on it. Quickly opening the card, I groaned when I saw Kyle’s name. The card read, Please forgive my harsh words, I just don’t want you to get hurt. Love, Kyle.
“Who are the flowers from?”
The sound of Austin’s voice made me jump just a little. “Oh, just Kyle, an apology for something stupid.”
Even in the dim light, I could see the tense set of Austin’s shoulders, frustration seeming to radiate off him in waves. “So, no boundaries needed for ol’ Kyle?”
I bristled. “My relationship with Kyle is really none of your business. You’ve seen me to my door, there are clearly no kidnappers or murderers about, so I think you can go.”
Austin stepped back, running both hands over his buzzed head. “I’m sorry. You’re right, that was uncalled for.” He took a deep breath and pinned me in place with his gaze. There was a depth of emotion in his eyes that I had rarely seen before. “Can I just come in for a minute? I really need to talk to you about something. I’ll even carry your flowers. I’m not sure you’ll make it inside with the world’s largest bouquet here.”
I fought the smile that wanted to rise to my lips. “Oh, all right.” Austin heaved up the vase of flowers with a dramatic groan as I keyed in the gate code.
“This is a nice place,” Austin said as we headed up the walkway.
“Yeah, I really lucked out that my best friend had a killer pad I could con her into letting me live in.” I winced, thinking about the circumstances that had surrounded my moving in with Taylor. Reminders of past hurts were everywhere, just waiting to jump out and sucker punch you right in the heart. Pulling my keys from my purse, I unlocked the door. “Taylor, you home? I’m back, and Austin’s with me,” I called out, wanting to give her a heads-up about the male guest.
Her voice echoed from upstairs, “I’m here. I’m just on the phone with my mom, be down a little later.”
“Okay, tell her hi for me.” I loved Taylor’s mom, she was the kindest, most kick-butt mom ever, and she had raised Taylor all on her own. She had come to visit a number of times since I’d lived here, and we always had a blast. I turned around to find Austin setting the flowers on the kitchen bar, looking around and taking in the space. “Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Beer?”
“Uh, water would be great.” His hands were shoved into his front pockets, and he almost looked a bit sheepish.
I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and gestured towards the living room. “We can talk in there.” I wondered what in the world he wanted to talk about and really hoped he wasn’t going to try and dredge up the past again. I needed to keep looking forward. Plopping down on the couch, I slipped off my shoes and pulled my knees up to my chest. Austin sat down on the opposite end of the couch, and I handed him his bottle of water. “So, what’s up?”
He broke the seal on his water, took a sip, then proceeded to tighten and loosen the cap systematically. My level of anxiety started to rise. “Look, I feel like I need to be honest with you about my intentions for getting back in contact.” A fist closed around my heart, stopping it from pumping in a normal fashion. “I don’t want to be friends with you.” A combination of ice and boiling liquid began surging through my veins. Was it possible to have hot flashes at twenty-three? “I want so much more than friendship from you.”
My heart stuttered, stopped, and then started beating again. “What does that mean?” I didn’t want to hope. Hope was what had ultimately broken me a year ago, and I didn’t want it to destroy me again.
Austin set his water on the coffee table and scooted towards me on the couch. He plucked the water from my hands, setting it next to his. He pulled one of my hands to his mouth and kissed my palm. “I’ve missed you so fucking much. Every day, I missed you. At first, I was too stubborn and pigheaded to come to you. Drowning in my own pride, thinking I was right, and you were wrong. Then, I saw how far I’d fallen without you, and I knew I had to clean up my act before I could bring you back into my life. But it took me a long fucking time to realize I had never seen you as just a friend. You’ve always been more. You�
�ve always been everything.”
My mind spun. I felt lightheaded, and the hot and cold flashes were back. These were the words I had always wanted to hear. Words I craved with a soul-deep ferocity, that nothing else could satiate. So, why was fear all I felt? A panic that rocked me straight to my core.
Tears pooled in my eyes. “I don’t think I can do this.” They weren’t the words I’d thought would come out of my mouth if Austin ever showed up at my door, heart in hand. Pain flashed in his eyes, but I was overcome by memories of all the tears I’d cried, all the sleepless nights, the painful joy of watching him fight on screen in the safety of my bedroom. My heart physically hurt. I pulled my hand from his.
Austin swiped a hand roughly across his face. “What does that mean?”
“It means, this is a lot to take in. And I’m really freaking overwhelmed right now.” Tears continued to track down my face, a release valve for all the bottled-up emotions I’d been carrying around for the past year. “What did you expect me to do? Throw myself at your feet as soon as you said you had feelings for me? You really hurt me.” Needing to move, to expel some of this energy, I stood and began to pace. It didn’t help. When I felt Austin behind me, I whirled around. “You broke my fucking heart!”
Austin reached out like he was going to pull me to him, but he stopped himself mid-motion, letting his hands fall to his sides. “I know. And I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll never be sorrier about anything in my whole damned life. I would do anything to take away that pain.”
His words only made me cry harder. “Please,” he begged, “please, let me just hold you.”
The rawness of his voice had my resolve crumbling. I gave a small nod, and his body engulfed mine. He held me as my body shook, and my tears soaked his tee. One hand trailed up and down my spine while the other massaged my nape. As my tears lessened and my sobs slowed, his touch began to stoke flames in my lower belly. Austin whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry I blindsided you. I know it’s going to take time for you to trust that this is what I really want, to trust me. I’m here for the long haul, I’m not going anywhere. We can take this as slow as you want.”
Further To Fall Page 14