by Dawn Brower
She considered his words and how best to respond. As children they used to talk for hours on all the things they found fascinating. To her this was no different. Rome and the Colosseum had been interesting to her, especially since her social interactions had been limited. It gave her a reason to escape her mundane life and visit exotic locales through the pages of a book. Truthfully it had been enough for her to read about them, but since he was forbidding her... Well, she’d have to protest. He’d left her little choice on the matter.
“I never took you for a spoil sport,” she responded. “With the reputation you’ve cultivated over the years, one would think you were all for anything considered risky or adventurous.”
Every time she came across his name in the scandal sheet a piece of her heart died. She didn’t know why he’d taken the path he’d chosen, but it was far from the boy she’d called a friend. A part of her believed he’d done it to distance himself from the pain in his life. His father hadn’t been a kind man, and the little she interacted with him gave her a bad impression of his demeanor. Her own father wasn’t a great man and made choices she abhorred—her betrothal a case in point, but she believed he loved her in his own way. The previous duke didn’t appear to have a warm spot in his whole body. He was cold and unforgiving.
Juliette believed the only reason her family socialized with Grayson’s was because her mother was fast friends with the duchess. Her father and Gray’s had little in common. The duke was very active in parliament, and her father barely kept up with any of it. The earl loved hunting and the duke thought it was tedious and scoffed at the idea. They were as opposite as two individuals could be, but somehow they’d always come together at Christmastide.
“And what do you know of my reputation?” He chuckled “You hinted at the rumors before, and I believe I mentioned they’re much worse. Do you want me to share now?”
She didn’t really and he probably knew it too, but she’d brought it up. Trust Grayson to run with what he believed would make her uncomfortable. “If you’re in the mood to tell tales by all means begin. Why don’t we start with the day you left to Eton. I’d so hate to miss any part of what you’ve been doing since we last spoke.”
“Ah Jules,” he said warmly. “I do believe I’m going to enjoy reacquainting myself with you.”
“So does that mean we’re sharing life stories?” She asked. “or are we pretending the years of your silence never existed.”
It pained her to admit how much his abandonment hurt her—a betrayal she’d not quite recovered from. If she’d had another choice, she’d not have gone to him for aid. Her father and evil step-mother, were the reason she sat on the other side of the carriage. In some ways she wanted to thank them for pushing her to seek Grayson out. She’d always wanted to ask him why he’d left without saying good bye. There was so much she didn’t understand and believed she’d been owed an explanation. Now that they were to be married perhaps she’d finally have the answers she desired.
“Those years won’t go away. They’re solidly a part of who we are now,” he said gravely. “As much as I’d like to will them away it’s an impossible feat. As to sharing our stories...” He paused a moment and took a deep breath. “I’d rather avoid that as well. A lot of my past is best left where it is—behind me. Looking back won’t change a damn thing. We will go from this point on, and hope the fates are kind enough to make us both find some measure of happiness.”
It was a pretty speech, but Juliette didn’t like one word he’d said. He wanted to brush everything under the rug and expected her to accept it. Why? Because he’d made a pronouncement and his word was law. She suppressed an unladylike snort, and replied, “That’s a fascinating bit of nonsense. Your past is a part of you and what made you into this insufferable cad before me. I’d like to one day understand it, but I won’t force it on you.” She grinned wickedly. If he could see her he’d have run fast in the other direction. It was time to poke the beast. “Since you’re forbidding me to visit Rome and see the Colosseum in person...” She sighed whimsically. “I had so hoped to have the opportunity to picture those strong viral beasts fighting battle after battle. It must have been amazing.”
“The lions would appreciate your passion for their skills in battle,” he replied dryly. “But I must insist you stay in England.”
“Oh I wasn’t talking about the lions, but don’t misunderstand me. I do find them fascinating.” She fanned herself. “The gladiators though—they must have been so skilled and brave. Some of them might have been handsome, but all of them surely were as brawn and manly as a male could be. My imagination has been running wild on what they could’ve looked like. Do you have any ideas?”
“Why the bloody hell would I imagine what another male would look like?” He growled. “And neither should you.”
It took everything inside of her not to laugh hysterically. This was so much fun. The trip to Scotland had just become infinitely better. He’d be so entertaining if it was this easy to provoke him. “Why ever not? What good is an imagination if you can’t use it properly?”
“It’s rather, well, ladies don’t picture men or what their supposed appearances. It’s not done.”
Juliette snorted. It couldn’t be helped. Now he was being ridiculous. “It’s hypocritical of you to chastise me for merely envisioning a man in any form when your reputation suggests you’ve enjoyed females in ways my imagination hasn’t breached.”
“One doesn’t have anything to do with the other,” he replied. “It might not be fair, but females are held to a higher standard.”
Statements such as that one wouldn’t endear him to her. She should kick him for good measure. Males were so obstinate, and Grayson topped the list of stubborn fools more than any other. Once upon a time she’d thought the sun rose and set on him. He’d been her everything, and now she wondered who he really was. Sadly though, he was right. Society expected women to remain innocent and learn next to nothing about the world. Many men, and women alike, would be scandalized to realize she’d read about Rome, the Colosseum, and gladiators. Education was to be kept to mundane things such as watercolors, sewing, and music lessons. A well accomplished lady had proper deportment and decorum at all times.
“Lucky for you,” she replied. “You’re wife won’t be as boring as to follow the rules set by society. I plan on keeping you guessing for the rest of your life.”
A truer statement had never been uttered. She didn’t like to be predictable, and hiding in dark corners had never appealed to her. It had become necessary when Eloise had entered her life. Escaping the countess’s notice had grown into a game of sorts. If she didn’t cross her path Eloise almost forgot she existed. For a time it had worked, until her little brother was born and her step-mother saw Juliette as competition for the earl’s affection. She fully believed that was why Eloise was pushing her father to tie Juliette to Lord Payne in marriage. Now that she was on the brink of being free from her family she refused to hide herself ever again.
“My dear, none of that surprises me. You’ve been shocking me since the moment you entered my home. Why would I expect anything less?”
She smiled. “At least one of us had been predictable in a sense.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked affronted.
“I expected a rake,” she replied. “You put on a good show at first, but I have to say I’m rather disappointed. You’re rather—tame.”
If that didn’t result in a rise of outrage nothing would. Was it too much to desire a kiss from her intended. All right, he never planned on marrying anyone, outright refused her, and of course never asked for her hand, but he was going to marry her despite all of that. Juliette had never been kissed and more than anything she wanted him to be the one to do it.
“Are you challenging me?”
She shrugged, but wasn’t sure if he could see the gesture. “Of course not. It was an observation. If you’re the scoundrel everyone claims you to be wouldn’t you have a
lready taken advantage of the situation? No one is stopping you, and we do intend to marry at the end of this journey.”
“I’m not a seducer of innocents,” he proclaimed. “And I’ll be damned if I start with you.”
Juliette sighed. Drat. Grayson was going to be difficult, and she wasn’t entirely sure how to achieve her goal. An idea formed in her mind and before she changed her mind she said, “I suppose I’ll have to have an affair. Otherwise I’ll never know true passion...”
Juliette sat back and waited for his response. It was bound to be good.
CHAPTER FIVE
“By all means, do.” There wasn’t a chance in hell he’d allow her to find a lover. If another man so much as looked at her wrong he’d rip him to shreds. Grayson clenched his fists and kept his anger, and yes, jealousy, in check. If he exploded now she’d realize how much her statement bothered him. He couldn’t have that. She’d already owned far more of him than he was comfortable admitting. So his words belied what he truly felt. “I have no plans of ceasing any of my more pleasurable pursuits.”
“That’s generous of you,” she replied. “You’re not worried about being cuckolded?”
“My dear,” he said with sincerity. “A man is only a cuckold if he’s unaware or cares about his wife’s dalliances.” The sun was beginning to rise in the sky and her face was becoming more visible. Like a cloud moving away from the sun she was a bright beacon that brought warmth to his weary soul. “All I ask is you’re—discreet.”
It was becoming harder and harder to hold back his true feelings. He hated the idea of her with another man, always had. But as long as he’d kept a distance her potential lover or husband was ignorable. With her present, and oh so close, the possibility of it ate at him. How could he expect her to remain chaste, especially as he refused to touch her. He had to reassess his earlier proclamation. The only way he’d be able to avoid caressing her was to avoid her all together, and yet even that didn’t sit well with him.
“This is rather enlightening.” Her lips tilted upward. “So far I’d have to say the only downfall marriage to you would bring is your insistence I remain in England. I’ll take that as a challenge.” She waved her hand. “After a while you’ll gladly send me packing.”
He gritted his teeth. She could do her worst, but she’d not leave England without his protection. There were things in the world she didn’t understand or couldn’t be learned from a book. Juliette was innocent and couldn’t comprehend the depravity seeping into the world. Grayson would ensure she didn’t ever experience the seedier part of society. When she sought his protection of his name she’d unwittingly agreed to his need to shield her as he saw fit. In time she’d realize he only had her best interests in mind when he dictated his demands.
“Not bloody likely,” he replied. “Nothing you could do or say would make me budge on that particular detail.”
“We’ll see,” she replied. “It feels as if we’ve been in this carriage forever. When do you think we’ll stop?”
Not soon enough in his estimation. Time away from her, and a moment to stretch his legs, were both very much needed. Sadly, he’d not have either one of them for several more hours. He’d ordered his driver to take a median pace. There was no need to rush and run the horses to ground, but he still wanted to arrive in Scotland as soon as possible.
“We will stop in the first town we reach around the midday meal. If you’re hungry cook packed a few provisions for the journey.”
“No,” she said. “I’m too nervous to eat.” Juliette rubbed her hands together and blew on them. “It’s just... I’m cold. The blanket isn’t enough.”
Grayson sighed. He should be a gentleman and offer her his blanket, but he was cold too. The best solution to both of their problems was to offer to double up the blankets and share body heat. But that would mean he’d be in even closer proximity to her. If he held her in his arms he wouldn’t be responsible for his actions. His hands would wander over her lush frame and he’d take full advantage of her. It was wrong, but it was who he was. She was to be his wife—didn’t he have the right to stroke her any way he chose? Thoughts such as that one would surely lead to nowhere but trouble.
“Join me over here and bring your blanket,” he said, resigned. He couldn’t allow her to freeze. What kind of cad would allow a lady to shiver when there was an acceptable answer to the problem? One who was afraid of what the lady’s closeness meant to his reputation. Grayson was supposed to be a rake—a scoundrel comfortable with debauchery, and he was felled by a mere lady. “I’ll keep you warm.”
Juliette didn’t hesitate at his suggestion. He’d give her that much... Her bravery put the most hardened soldier to shame. Grayson lifted his blanket and she sat next to him, and handed her blanket to him. In one quick motion he had it spread over top of them both. With the double thickness of two blankets and their body heat spread over him.
“You’re so warm,” Juliette said and cuddled into him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. “Why didn’t we do this sooner?”
Because he was an inconsiderate arse. “Did you manage any sleep?”
“No,” she shook her head. “I was cold and uncomfortable.” Her mouth opened wide as a yawn overtook her. “Though now that I have you as a cushion it might be possible.”
Juliette wiggled and nestled more firmly against him. His entire body tightened with each move she made. His need heightened to a painful state. She was going to kill him. “Try and sleep. We have hours before we stop again.”
“I might,” she replied. “Gray?”
What would it take for her to stop moving, talking, or damn well driving him mad? “Are you going to ramble incessantly the entire time we’re on the road to Scotland?”
She was quiet for several heartbeats. He’d started to believe she finally closed her eyes and went to sleep, but she’d had something else in mind. The more time he spent in her company the more he believed she’d be the death of him.
“I know you said our marriage would be in name only, and you don’t mind if I find a lover, but...”
He closed his eyes and prayed for patience. What was she up to now? “Do you need me to say it again?” God help him, but he didn’t know if he could give her what she wanted. His desire for her was increasing at an alarming rate.
“No. I understood the first time.” She tilted her head and met his gaze. Her hand slid lower and rested at the edge of his trousers. His breath froze in his lungs. “What must I do to convince you I’d prefer you be my first—everything.”
Grayson had been right, having her sit next to him was a bad idea. Her brazen touch was undoing his already weakened resolve. He couldn’t fight her and himself—it was a futile effort. Somehow he had to rein in them both, and he had no idea how to halt it. “I’m honored...” The words he’d intended to say somehow had become lodged in his throat. Hurting her had always sat wrong with him. If he continued he’d crush her, and he couldn’t do that. Nonchalance was one thing, but out and out cruelty he’d hoped to avoid.
“Don’t say any more,” she said after a moment. “I realized a long time ago I was no great beauty. My step-mother has told me on more than one occasion at best I can be described as plain. I won’t push you to be with me if you’re having trouble finding even an inkling of desire to do so.”
Plain? He was baffled she believed she was unremarkable. She’d mentioned being a wallflower, but even that still confounded him. The part of him that always found her lovely, and always would, wanted to protest on her behalf. If she realized how crazy he was to touch her she’d never let this idea of hers go. There would be no going back if he gave in to the craving he carried inside of him.
“It isn’t that...”
“You don’t need to explain,” she said sadly. “I understand.”
She didn’t though, not at all. If she did she’d have an entirely different attitude toward him. Grayson didn’t deserve her or what she offered. He was tain
ted by his choices. At the time he believed he was making the right decision. His father had put strict dictates in place and Gray had been expected to follow them to the letter. After he’d been forced to sever his friendship with her he’d lost all reason and went to the dark side of his nature. Once he embraced every depravity he could he realized there was no going back. He could never resume their friendship, and she’d be far better without him in her life.
“Jules,” he said reassuringly. “You’re not plain. Don’t let anyone ever convince you of that claptrap ever again.”
He couldn’t agree to be her lover, but he could convince her she was beautiful. It wouldn’t be a hardship or a lie. She was gorgeous inside and out. Her step-mother was probably jealous of her and set out to make Juliette doubt her own worth. Women let their claws out at the first sign of competition, and Jules was indeed that in the Riverdale household. It was a shame the earl hadn’t married a kinder woman. Juliette’s mother had been one of the most gracious and thoughtful women he’d known. Which was more than he could say for his own mother—she’d abandoned him at the first sign of adversity, maybe if she’d stood up to father his life would have taken a different turn. He’d never know one way or the other. There was no room for regrets in his life. He fully believed the past was left where it was, quite firmly behind him.
“You’re only being nice because you think my feelings are hurt.” She laid her head down on his chest once again. “Don’t worry about me. I’m all right with being forgettable. In a way it makes things easier. When no one sees you they say some very interesting things. I’ve overheard a lot of titillating information by being invisible.”
That had to be the saddest thing he’d ever heard in his life. “There is nothing good about going unnoticed. What kind of fools have you been socializing with?”
“Socializing is too strong a word for what I’ve been allowed to do.” She sighed. “First I was in mourning, and then father remarried.” Juliet raised her hand higher up his stomach leaving a trail of pleasure that continued on as she drew circles on his chest with her forefinger. He could become accustomed to her touch rather easily. “After that he forgot I existed until Eloise decided I must marry and leave my father’s care. At first it sounded wonderful. My first season had been cut short, and I did long to have my own family. Now I’d rather have the freedom to choose for myself my own destiny.”