by Brinda Berry
Her forehead creases at the end and she shakes her head. Her face is unreadable. “What about you?” she asks.
I shrug and feel strangely vulnerable. Thrown off-balance by the intensity of the last few minutes when I only wanted her pleasure. I can’t remember if it’s always been like this when I was with someone else, because her face and scent and body are too close. I can only think about being with her.
She is filling my head. If I tell her how she’s grabbing a hold of me—each day a little more even though I’ve pushed her away—will she disappoint me like Tori did?
Will I ever be able to trust her?
A knock sounds at the door and Harper jumps. I stumble back, embarrassed that I’ve taken what I wanted here in Dane’s office. Even though I’m not the one who got off, the last few minutes were about me and what I want.
I need her to want me—in every way—and the thought scares me shitless.
I’ve behaved like a child. One minute demanding we downgrade to friendship and the next minute proving I’m more desirable than a guy in a stripper getup.
The thought sends an uneasy shaft of fear into my gut. I rub my hand over my face. Her scent mocks me.
There’s another knock on the door. “Hey, somebody in there?” It’s Dane’s voice, and he’s pissed.
“Come on, birthday girl. Time to get back to the party.” I grab her by the waist and place her on her feet. Her confused eyes cause my stomach to bottom out, making me mad at myself. I pull her by the hand toward the door.
Tori’s lies did a number on me. But I’m honestly okay about losing her. Jaded about dating, but really fucking okay.
Betrayal from Harper wouldn’t leave me jaded. She could crush me.
18
Sleight of Hand
Harper
No one uses postcards anymore. No one except for Leo and the random traveler who can’t get a freaking cell signal in Siberia.
This postcard that I’ve stolen back from Leo taunts me. The words on the card have an ugly voice that speaks of my impulsiveness. My hurt. My life that was nothing but a lie for four years.
I grip the pink postcard with two fingers, intending to rip it straight down the center and then into giblets. My fingers are poised at the top between two Rhododendron flowers and above the statement, ‘Finest Beauty of the Evergreen State.’ I allow a tiny tear in the paper. It should be the impetus I need to shred the evidence. Continue until there’s nothing left of my life in Tacoma.
My hands shake and I drop it onto my bed. I need to return it to Leo. Am I crazy? Thinking it’s OK to steal?
I fold the postcard and tuck it into my back pocket. Saturday mornings in our building are noisy. The downstairs bakery bustles with activity and the pan banging and voices are louder than normal. I walk across the hall to Leo’s.
He answers after only one knock. He’s wearing track pants, a T-shirt, and a wary expression. “Morning.”
“Hi. Um…can we talk?”
“I have a few minutes.” His answer is even, not cold or warm. His tone edges on impersonal.
This is not the response I expected. I’m not a door-to-door salesman or something. He stands back to let me enter. “Thank you for the gift. Josie said the ereader was from both of you. That was too generous. I love it.”
“I’m glad.”
“About last night,” I say, wondering if I should sit or stand since he’s made it sound as if he doesn’t have time for a conversation. If only I’d said I’ll come back or this will take more than a few minutes.
“About that,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I got carried away. This thing with being friends will be tricky since we’ve—”
My mouth opens. Not to actually form words because I have no clue what would come out. Last night meant nothing? Because I’d bet my last chocolate bar it was hot and emotional and special. It was certainly not something I practice with my friends.
I shut my gaping mouth. My gullibility is limitless. “We are back to this? The friend thing?”
“Don’t read too much into it. We’re both adults. Just because we had a little fun in Dane’s office—”
I slap him and the pop of my hand against his cheek rings out in the room, seeming to echo. He flinches, but stays standing in the same spot with his impassive face. My heart beats faster, pushing air from my lungs as it tries to fill my chest with its fury. “You are unbelievable. I’ve never felt so used. So degraded.” My throat catches. “So cheap.”
“It got out of control.” He looks away and then back to meet my gaze.
“What? Your pride? Didn’t want some stripper touching me, so you needed to prove something?” My chest rises and falls like I’ve been running.
“It was my fault.”
“Yeah. It was. But you can’t do that to me. Friends don’t behave this way and lovers don’t either. I don’t know what your game is, but I’m not playing. I’m done. You’re vile and I pity the woman who is ever fooled by you.”
Leo’s rubs his fingers along the crease between his eyes. “Come on. You’re upset. We can forget about last night. People make mistakes. I made a mistake.”
I smash my lips together so I won’t cry. At least when Wesley literally screwed me and left for weeks on end to go to his real family, I didn’t know what was going on. It’s my excuse for not doing something at the time. I back away from Leo. “I deserve better treatment than being some toy for when you feel like playing around.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“Oh wasn’t it? I really am an idiot. I thought yesterday made you see how much you missed us together. That there was actually something real there. But no.”
He looks up at the ceiling as if he can’t meet my gaze. “You’re overreacting. I didn’t mean—”
“That I was a hook-up? That you were horny and I was a pushover?”
He gaze drops to mine immediately. “You know that’s not what I meant. You deserve better than a purely physical relationship. I’m not ready to give you more.”
His soft voice bleeds sincerity, and I hate him for it.
“Can you do one decent thing for me? Just one and I promise to never bother you again.”
He stares at me. “Yeah.” His voice is low and for a minute, I swear it’s filled with regret.
“Don’t print this.” I pull the postcard from my pocket and fling it at him. “I took this the day I found all the blog cards.”
The paper flips in the air and falls short on the floor between us.
“You didn’t trust me? You could’ve asked for it instead of taking what you wanted.”
The hurt inside me coils. Strike at him. Make him feel like he’s not that important. I shrug. “I did ask for it, but you treated me like an unreasonable ditz. The postcard was the reason I moved next door. Mission accomplished.”
“Then why give it back now? You suddenly trust me?” He narrows his eyes and his cold voice makes me want to see some emotion from him. Anything.
“You’re right. I don’t trust you. Thanks for the reminder.” I bend to pick up the card. Making eye contact again, I tear it in half once. Then again and again and again until only small pieces are left. I release them and they flutter to my feet. “Have a nice life, Leo.”
A flicker of something I recognize passes across his face. Hurt.
I flee to the safety of my apartment with my chest tight. I can’t let what happened last night happen again.
I’m lying on my bed with my cell rings. It’s a relief when Josie’s name pops up on the caller ID.
“Hello,” I say, tentatively. She and Leo are close and I am well aware of what will happen if she’s forced to choose sides. I’ll lose her.
“Hey,” Josie says, pausing for a long second. “I want to apologize for last night. I should’ve cleared the stripper with you but I thought it would be so much fun to see the surprise on your face.”
“Yeah. I was surprised. Did I tell you thanks?”
“Um… abou
t fifty times.” She laughs. “Did you and Leo get into a fight last night over that?”
“No.” It’s the truth. What we did was the exact opposite of fighting.
She exhales into the phone. “Good. I’ve been worried. I mean, I did it knowing that Leo would be jealous no matter what he says. That’s why I told him not to show up until later.”
“It’s fine. Can we not talk about Leo?”
Silence.
“I’m confused,” she says. “Didn’t you ride home with Leo after the cake?”
“Yeah, but there’s nothing going on between us. It’s over.”
“You are bullshitting me. Did you see his face when he dragged you out of the chair last night?”
“Yes. But we can’t make it work. I don’t want to talk about your brother. I need help finding a job and a car.”
Josie pauses, then sighs. “I’m coming over and we can take care of the car shopping today.”
“How am I ever going to pay you back for all your good deeds?”
“I’ll think of something.” There’s a pat-on-the-back tone in her voice that tells me everything will work out.
I smile at that. We disconnect. Even through the phone line, she’s stable. Kooky and loud, but stable. For the first time in a long while, I know what I want. Roots. Family. Purpose.
Love. Real love that doesn’t flash from hot to cold. A chill passes over me as I think about how awful my words were to Leo. I’m not that girl. A vindictive, ugly person.
He’s wrong for thinking he can turn me on and off, but it’s my fault for not staying away from him. We can’t be friends. He’s probably not going to try again anyway, after I was so hateful. But if he comes on to me again, I’ll be stronger next time.
Josie arrives in half an hour. I get into her Mustang convertible. She’s smiling but not her talkative self. It’s okay with me if we stay silent. My round this morning with Leo still has me feeling as though I’ve been sucker-punched.
“Want to look anywhere in particular?” Josie checks traffic and pulls out.
“I’m on a budget. Nothing as nice as yours. Something to get me places.”
“Gotcha.” She accelerates and pulls her hair off her neck. “It’s a little hot. We could’ve borrowed Leo’s car.”
I don’t respond to her comment. The last thing I want is to be indebted to him for anything. The wind blows onto my face and the temperature warms me. Leo’s chilly conversation with me has left me feeling frozen and empty.
Maybe my heart’s actually stopped and I don’t know it yet.
“Harper,” Josie says. “I wasn’t going to bring him up, but I have to.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes. I do. He’s my brother and I love him. I want him to be happy. I want you to be happy. But he’s not going to tell you things he should. He’s weird like that.”
Cold is more like it.
“He’s hurt me.” I stare up and blink back the tears. “He really has. One minute he’s incredibly sensitive and romantic and…perfect. But he keeps shutting down and I don’t know who I’m going to get, Romeo or Voldemort. Today…” I cover my mouth with one hand and turn to the window so I can get myself under control.
“Tori still calls him. I found out he met with her the other day.”
I can’t stop the tears now. “Oh, geez. You are not helping me feel better.”
“No,” she says, frantically shaking her head. “He’s trying to make her stop calling and texting and dropping by his place. And it was after I told him that she got you fired. It wasn’t a reconciliation thing. Lord, no. She’s mental.”
I search my purse for a tissue. “He may deserve her.”
Josie puts her free hand on my arm. “You don’t mean that.”
“No,” I say, my bottom lip trembling with the effort to stop my blubbering. “No, I don’t. Sorry. That wasn’t a nice thing to say.”
Josie hits her blinker and pulls into the nearest parking lot. “Ice cream is required. Now.”
We’ve parked in front of an ice cream shop and it suddenly seems like the perfect anecdote to a good cry.
I wipe my face with the tissue. “OK.”
We stand in the line until our turn to order. I point at the ice cream buckets with the most decadent chocolate I can see and order three scoops. Then I request caramel on top.
Josie eyes my order. “There’s a reason we are buddies.” She licks her lips and orders the same for herself.
We sit knee to knee at the small parlor table and suddenly the world is brighter and definitely sweeter. I have a good friend. I dig into my ice cream.
“Let me talk and you listen. Eat your ice cream,” Josie says.
I nod and stuff a large spoonful into my mouth.
“Leo caught her with her husband. He broke it off. She said she’d left her husband. They got back together again. He discovered she’d lied. She said her husband abused her. That was a lie. I cannot tell you how many lies he believed. Over and over again.”
My mouth full of ice cream is numb, but my heart isn’t. He’s as broken as I am.
Josie’s lips purse. “For a smart guy, he can be really stupid. And that’s the part that scares him. He was incredibly stupid when it came to Tori. He kept holding on because you want to believe in people you love.”
“So, he loves her?” The words pass through my lips in a strained whisper. I’m not sure if it’s the ice cream or my question that causes me to feel as though I’ve been stabbed through the chest with an icicle.
“Oh. Should’ve said loved. Past tense. And I’m sure she’s killed any love there was. I mean, how can anyone stand that kind of abuse of trust? But she wove her spell on him and had this kind of sexual hold over Leo that I can’t explain. She’s like Calypso.”
I frown. “You mean the one who held Odysseus captive?”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh come on. I do read. I just mean Leo had trouble breaking it off and Tori’s obsessive.”
“And he doesn’t still secretly want her? Do you think that’s why he keeps pushing me away?”
“Shut up.” Her eyes flash hotly. “Believe me when I say this. If he were to let her back in, I could not call him brother. Seriously. Some stupidity is beyond forgiving.”
“I get it. My husband had someone else.” I begin eating the ice cream fast, shoving in spoonfuls so I won’t have to speak. Husband.
“You’re going to get an ice cream headache.” Josie suppresses a grin.
I stop inhaling the treat in front of me and look at her. Really look. She deserves the truth. “I was little more than a mistress, but I didn’t know it. He had a family and a kid. He also had one heck of an ID forger.”
Josie stops with her spoon midway to her mouth. “Stop. You’re kidding, right?”
“No.”
“I thought Leo was the only person with luck that hellacious.”
I nod. “He’s not the only one who’s been stupid. I was four years of stupid.”
“Makes me feel kind of good about my love life.”
“You don’t have a love life.”
“Um…yes. Right.” She spoons a large bite of ice cream into her mouth and then squeezes her eyes shut. “Brain freeze!”
“I’m looking for happiness and there’s so much weighing on both of us. It’s too much.”
“We’re both young. I vote we just have fun. But I had to make you understand where Leo’s coming from so you don’t take it so hard. OK?”
“Here’s to fun.” I hold up my mostly empty container to toast hers.
She clinks her container against mine. “To fun. By the way, I have the stripper guy’s phone number…if you’re interested.”
19
Pay the Piper
Leo
It’s been two weeks since Harper’s birthday party. I’ve stared at the same doodle of a giant fly with a man’s head for the last twenty minutes. The words won’t come. I don’t believe in writer’s block. Never have. I have a name for t
he current state I’m in. It’s called Harper block. I grin to myself at the thought. Maybe I should add it to Wikipedia.
If she were on my sofa watching her sappy movie of the week, then maybe I’d be able to write. Be able add a page to my manuscript that seems to be at a standstill.
I grab my keys and stride to the door, so ready to get out that I am inside my car and driving before I have a plan. I make a quick call and discover that Gunner is at Dastardly’s, along with my buddy, Aidan. This is what I need. A guys’ night out.
I finally find a parking spot in a public lot several blocks away. It’s a perpetual Saturday night in Nashville. People hang around on the sidewalks in front of the more popular bars. The music is loud and drifts out from open doors, beckoning with a lazy finger for people to come inside.
There’s a cover charge tonight, but the bouncer nods at me to go inside.
I elbow my way through the crowd. It’s standing room only, but Gunner motions at me from across the room. He and Aiden sit at a table with a couple of girls.
“Hey man. What do ya know? Miracles do happen. Somebody unglued your fingers from that computer.” Gunner grins. He’s already three sheets to the wind, by the look of him.
I smile back and Aiden scoots over to make room. “Good to see you.”
The band is jamming with a mix of old rock and roll, songs they’ve remixed to fit their sound. There’s an extra chair at the next table and I ask if I can have it. When I turn around to scoot in next to Gunner, the two girls have moved apart so I can sit between them.
“Hi. I’m Stacey,” the girl to my left says in my ear so she can be heard above the music.
“Leo. Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too.”
She places her hand on my forearm and puts her mouth close to my ear again. “I think my friend wants to go home with your friend.” Her gaze flicks to Gunner and her friend.