I know it probably sounds corny as hell to you. But I always heard and believed that when your heartbeat matches that person is your soul mate. I mean even after all of this time, and all the shit we been through. I’m beginning to think that maybe there is still another chapter out there for us to begin. I have tried like hell to deny my love for him, and God knows that I have tried to let it all go. But it’s so hard for me to accept him, because I don’t know if I can ever really trust him with my heart again. He broke my heart it into a million pieces the last time he had it. Yeah nothing would make me happier than to start all over with him, but where do I even begin to rebuild what used to have? That trust that you’re supposed to have with the man you love I’m not sure I can ever have that with him again. How do I even know that if I give us a chance he won’t do it all over again? How do I know that he really has changed? There are so many questions with Trey that I still can’t answer. The idea of me and him seems to be centered on so much uncertainty that it makes me with anxiety. Yes from his actions so far he has seemed to have changed a lot. God I just thinking and talking about all of this has me feeling confused and outta my element! It’s stressing the hell outta me. I just want to scream.”
She laughed as she said “Love is confusing and stressful as hell at times Jasmine. But if you really love him, and you really want to try again then you’re going to have to forgive him. Forgiving him is going to be your first step in starting over. If you can’t forgive him then there really is no point in even trying to go there. All I’m going to say is that you need to make the best decision for Jasmine. You’re the one who will have to live with it. Make a decision you know will leave you happy in the end. Ok I just have to say that now I know why your ass is so damn calm. Trey worked your ass out last night, and you’re still high off the sex. How many times did he make you come?”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling after she said that. The sex was amazing no denying that. I just laughed as I said “Listen you little horny pregnant lady don’t worry about how many times he made me come. Just know that it was enough to keep me calm after my fight with Q. All I will say is that it was amazing, and he was amazing.”
We laughed some more and continued to eat our lunch. I felt somewhat better after talking to her.
It’s been about a month since I came back home to Buffalo. I took a small leave from work, and did most of my job from my laptop. I had some time to clear my mind, and try to put some things into perspective. I still haven’t come up with a conclusive decision yet. Today was finally London’s wedding day. I was so excited to see my friend get married, but recently I’ve been feeling very exhausted and sick as hell. At first I thought it was just because I had been stressed out, but I just wasn’t feeling like myself so I knew it had to be something else. I had all of the symptoms of being pregnant. I was tired and always feeling nauseous. The thought of me being pregnant instantly invaded my mind. I pulled out my phone and checked the period tracker calendar in my phone when I noticed that my period was a couple of weeks late. I hadn’t paid any attention to not getting my period, because I have had a billion other things on my mind. We stayed the night the Embassy Suites Hotel for London’s spa/ bachelorette party. There was a drugstore across the street so I quickly went out to buy a pregnancy test. When I got back to my room, I was a nervous wreck as I peed on the stick. Being pregnant was definitely not going to be a good thing. If the results came back positive I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do. The night that I was with Trey we definitely did not use a condom now that I think about it. Trey and I aren’t even together like that what the hell was I thinking not using a condom.
A million thoughts raced through my mind as I paced around my room, waiting for the test to complete. I walked up to the test on the counter and I saw the plus sign clear as day. It felt like my heart stopped once I saw the results. I sat down on the bed trying to maintain my composure. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. This was most definitely not supposed to happen. I felt like God was punishing me. What if I wanted to work things out with Q? How could I do that now being pregnant with another man’s child? The irony of this whole thing is that we both may have children on the way, and it’s not even with each other. How many signs could I get that said that let me know that Quincy and I shouldn’t be together?
I haven’t spoken to Trey since I left for Buffalo. I wasn’t sure if he will even want to speak to me after all the shit that I’ve put him through recently. I know I’ve been giving him a lot of mixed signals. How am I supposed to tell him that I’m pregnant? Would he even believe me? He knows that I was sleeping with Quincy as well. I pulled out my phone about to call Trey when someone started knocking on my room door. One of the bridesmaids was telling me that everyone was waiting on me downstairs in the limo. I quickly put the test into my purse before I headed out the door. I guess that phone call will just have to wait.
London and Mike’s wedding ceremony was absolutely beautiful. It really showed how beautiful true love could be when it was genuine and real. Now it’s time to celebrate the union at the reception. As I watched London and her husband take their first dance I couldn’t have been any happier for her. She has wanted her whole life to be a married woman and mother, and now she has both. In this moment I couldn’t help but reflect on my own situation. I desperately wanted the same thing. All I ever wanted was to be happy, and be with the man God had made just for me. With everything I had going on I haven’t been able to enjoy being home with all my family and friends. I wasn’t myself and I’m sure everyone noticed. I didn’t know how to pretend like my personal life wasn’t in shambles. I tried my best to hide it for the sake of keeping everyone happy. I didn’t want London worrying about me on her wedding day. As I was sitting down watching them dance I noticed someone walking in with a huge bouquet of white roses. I couldn’t help but wonder who the hell was bringing flowers to a wedding reception. As he lowered the flowers away from his face I saw that it was Quincy. I was really surprised to see him here, but I wished that it was Trey instead. As he walked towards me all eyes were on him. He looked sexy as hell in his suit I had to admit. Quincy was just a gorgeous ass man. I just couldn’t stand him right now. He made his way over to where I was sitting at. My attitude and look on my face read that I still wasn’t fucking with him. He looked like he was nervous as he stood in front of me. I just stared at him blankly not giving him any kind of comfort.
He extended his hand giving me the roses as he said “These are for you, baby.” I took them from him and just placed them down on the table besides me as I rolled my eyes.
He sighed as he knew that I still was not happy with him. He said “Can I talk to you, Jasmine, please?”
I said coldly “Now is not the time for this, Quincy. This is London’s wedding day. I’m really not trying to have this conversation here with you. So with that being said find another time and leave me alone.”
He pleaded “Come on, Jasmine, don’t be that way. I know this is your friend’s wedding day, and I don’t want to ruin it. You left me no other choice but to come here unannounced. You blocked all of my calls and texts for a damn month, Jasmine. This was the only way I knew I could see and talk to you. You can be pissed, but I’m not leaving here until you talk to me.”
The DJ announced that everyone could now join and dance. The song Happily Ever After by Case began to play next. Q extended his hand out to me and said “Dance with me?” I didn’t want to dance with him but everyone was looking so I had no choice but to agreed. He took my hand and led me out to the dance floor. As we began to dance he pulled me in as close as he could. My bridesmaid dress clung to all of my curves. It was a red silk halter top dress with the back completely out. He traced his hands down my back as we slow danced. He kept trying to make eye contact with me, but I refused to look at him.
He said “You look really beautiful. I have missed you so much. Listen there really are no words to describe how sorry I am for what happened that
night. I know there is nothing that I can say or do that will justify what I did to you. I had a moment where I let my anger, and emotions get the best of me. But I can promise you that it will never happen again. I hate to admit it but you have this effect on me where I don’t think. I can’t say how sorry I am, for what happened.
“The truth is, yes I was unfaithful to you in our relationship. So the chance of her being pregnant with my child is very likely. Look to be honest, Jasmine, I never planned on falling in love with you as fast and hard as I have. I never felt for any woman as much as I feel for you. I wasn’t ready to let go of my old ways at the time. I know that I fucked up bad, and I’m man enough to admit that. But I never wanted to ever be the cause of any of your pain, Jasmine. I love you; all I ever wanted to do from the moment we met is to be the reason that you smile. Your smile brightens up even my darkest days. I’m damn near losing my mind ever since you have been away from me. I now realize I don’t want to ever live the rest of my life without you. I know we can work out our problems, and still find a way to still be together. I’m begging you for another chance to make it right. All I want is you baby.”
After he said that he pulled away from me, and he got down on one knee. As soon as he did the music cut off instantly, and all eyes were on us. He looked into my eyes as he said “Jasmine I love you so much. You’re perfect for me. You compliment me in so many ways. Ever since you came into my life I’ve wanted to be a better man for you. I understand that me cheating isn’t me being a better man. But this whole situation has been a serious reality check for me. I want to be better. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It would make me the happiest man in the world if I could wake up knowing that you will always be there for the rest of my life. Will you marry me, Jasmine?”
He pulled out a tiffany’s box, and revealed a stunningly beautiful white and canary yellow diamond ring. I was speechless and I couldn’t seem to move. I was frozen in place. Quincy proposing was the last thing that I was expecting. As I looked into his eyes I saw that he was serious. How could he even be serious? There are still so many issues that are still hanging over us. I glanced over to my mom, and she stood there smiling as if she approved. I glanced over to London, and her face was expressionless. With that look I knew that she didn’t approve at all. She was the only one who really knew what happened between us recently. I wasn’t sure what to do at this point.
After my mind stopped racing I said “I really don’t know what to say right now. I mean how could you even want to get married after all that has happened? I’m not even sure if I really know who you are anymore. The Quincy you showed me that night was not the Quincy that I came to know and love.”
My heart was racing him proposing couldn’t have come at a worse time. I had just found out that I am pregnant. Even though it may have been clear that my heart belonged to another, and he wasn’t the one in front of me. I don’t know how happily ever after we could be once everyone’s truth including mine eventually comes out.
Quincy and I together looked right from the outside looking in, but my heart screamed for Trey. I tried to convince myself that maybe the home pregnancy I took was wrong and I wasn’t really pregnant.
I took a deep breath in before I said “I need to tell you something before I answer you. After the fight that we had I was angry with you. And I ended up at Trey’s house that night. He took me in and comforted me, but old feelings did resurface that night. I ended up sleeping with him. I just want you to know that I wasn’t being malicious trying to get even with you. It just happened.”
He didn’t really react to what I had just said. But I knew just by looking into his eyes that he was hurt. He just said calmly “I know about it already, Jasmine and I forgive you. If you’re willing to forgive me then I am willing to forgive you. We can still be together despite the mistakes we both have made. It’s all in the past. I want to look towards the future. We can move forward. But you need to make a choice right now. Either marry me or go back to him. It’s all up to you, Jasmine. If you don’t love him anymore than obviously the choice would be to marry me. If you decide not to marry me then I will know you still love him. I’m willing to accept whatever choice you make, Jasmine, as long as it is an honest one.”
I decided to not disclose the fact that there may be a chance that I’m pregnant. I didn’t want to deal with that situation just yet until I had a real confirmation. Slowly I let out a yes agreeing to marry him. As soon as I said yes everyone in the reception erupted in applause. I guess they had been hanging in suspense the whole time that we were talking. He smiled as he quickly rose up to his feet scooping me into his arms.
He hugged me tight and kissed my lips as he said “I love you so much baby. I promise that you won’t regret choosing us.”
Everyone rushed over to us and began giving their congratulations. I was finally able to introduce Quincy to my mom and stepdad. My mom was very excited to finally meet him. I didn’t realize that he never met my family since we have been dating.
She gave him a hug as she said “It’s nice to finally meet you Quincy. I’ve heard so much about you. I hear that you have been taking real good care of my baby girl out there in New York City. I had no idea that you two were thinking about marriage.”
She reached out and looking the ring on my finger and smiled. Q said “It’s so good to finally meet you too Mrs. James. I do love your daughter very much. Marriage has been on my mind for a while now. Jasmine just had no idea about what I was planning. I just needed the perfect time and moment to ask her. I’m just happy that she said yes. And I promise you that I will always take care of her. I love your baby girl very much she is always in good hands when she is with me.”
My mom reached out and hugged him again, and then me as she said congratulations. She kept staring at me like she knew something was wrong. I tried to hide it, but it wasn’t working.
So she said “Jasmine, can I talk to you for a minute alone please. Quincy please excuse us for just a moment.” I agreed and walked towards the bathroom with my mom.
As we were inside my mom just stared at me for a minute. She grabbed my hands into hers and said “What’s wrong, baby girl? He just proposed to you, and you don’t even look happy about it. You have been so distant since you’ve been home. What’s going on with you?”
I didn’t want to talk about it. So I tried to brush her off as I said “I don’t want to talk about it mom. It’s really not even a big deal anyway.”
She said angrily “Jasmine, I know when something is wrong. We talk about everything so just spit it out.”
I sighed before I said “Okay well lately I’ve been talking to Trey again. We ran into each other awhile back. And he has been pursuing me relentlessly. He admitted to all his wrong doings, and asked for my forgiveness. He keeps on telling me how much he loves me, and how he wants to be with me again. Recently me and Quincy got into this huge fight and I was really upset. I didn’t have anywhere to go so I ended up at Trey’s house. Trey took me in and calmed me down. I guess what is bothering me the most is that it just felt so right being there with him. Now I feel horrible for letting things go as far as I have with Trey. I feel like I’ve lost control of everything. It feels like my life is slowly spinning out of control. I don’t know what I’m doing. I never thought it was possible to love more than one person. Now I just agreed to marry Quincy, but I think my heart belongs to another man. Ever since I reconnected with Trey I’ve been fighting what I feel for him. I just have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’ve been wrecking my brain trying to figure all this out, and I seem to only keep making things worse.”
She said “Matters of the heart are not easy to deal with, Jasmine. But you should always remember to follow your heart no matter what. Your heart will never lead you wrong. I know you feel like your heart lead you wrong in the past when it came to Trey. But in every relationship there will be ups and downs. Sometimes you may even fall apart only find that you need that person. I can tell yo
u know exactly where you want to be. As I look into your eyes right now, I can tell your heart isn’t with the man who is out there waiting for you. If I can see it, then I know it’s obvious to him as well. He just isn’t willing to accept it. Do not marry that man, if you can’t imagine living the rest of life without him. If you do chose to go through with it, it will be the worst mistake you will ever make. Sometimes, baby girl you, overthink things way too much. You need to realize that you will never be able to control your heart. The heart wants, what the heart wants. Your heart is there for a reason, start using it. You can’t run away from love because in the end, when it finally catches up to you, baby girl, you’re going to fall harder than you have ever fallen before. You don’t want to miss out on true love because you’re being stubborn and scared.”
I fought back my tears as I said “I know, mom.”
She hugged me and said “Please think about what I said. No matter what you decide I support you.” After she said that she walked outside the bathroom going back to the reception. After she left I gazed at myself in the mirror. As I looked at myself all I could think was what in the hell am I doing.
London then walked into the bathroom, and she just stood there looking at me. I said clearly annoyed “I really don’t want to hear whatever your about to say, London.”
She ignored me and said “What the hell are you doing, Jasmine? Seriously, you just agreed to marry Quincy? You love Trey, Jasmine. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? I really don’t understand why you keep on rejecting shit that is so damn obvious. Why do you always have to be so damn stubborn all the time? I get it; everyone gets it. Trey broke your fucking heart. But you need to let it go! Stop hiding behind the hurt, and finally move on with your life. Did you even notice you didn’t smile once when the man asked you to marry him? How can you agree to get married when you didn’t even work out your issues with each other yet? Jasmine, he hit you and slept with another bitch behind your back. And if that isn’t enough the bitch is pregnant with his child. Now he has the nerve to walk his ass into my wedding like nothing happened, and ask you to marry him. And you really just agreed to marry this fool. It’s like you’re saying all the fucked up shit he did is okay. How could you really stand here and agree to marry his trifling ass? Trey did some really fucked up shit to you in the past, but you’re hell bent on not forgiving him. So how is it that you forgave Q so quickly? What Quincy has done does not even compare to your situation with Trey in the past. I feel like you’re making a huge mistake, and I wouldn’t be a real friend if I didn’t tell you.”
Running Away From Love Page 20