“Kind of.” I grabbed the dash as she made an abrupt stop at a stop sign that seemed to have crept up on her.
“Kind of?” She narrowed her pale blue eyes at me. Her tiny nose was pointy and turned up at the end. Taylor really did remind me of Tinkerbell. Only, her short blonde locks were pulled into spikes, and each one was dyed a different color on the ends. “How is that an appropriate answer, Zandy?”
“I had a baby. And my parents made me give him up for adoption,” I clarified my answer.
“Made you?” she asked, then hit the gas hard enough to make a jackrabbit take off.
Clutching the bar above my head, the one I called an “oh-shit bar,” I went on, “At barely sixteen I lost my V-card to the boy I’d had a crush on since I was about twelve. He had dirty blond hair, all-American good looks, and eventually, a killer body. The first hint of attention he gave me made me putty in his hands.”
Zipping up to the parking space in front of the apartment we shared, she stopped right next to my red Mustang. Her head swiveled to look at me. “So, you gave it up to this guy who you weren’t dating but you’d been crushing on for years, and you ended up preggo? On the first go?”
“Precisely.” Getting out of the car, we made our way to the front door.
The whole complex was made up of ground-floor apartments, another thing that made me like this place better than the place I’d been living for the last eight years. No stairs to climb and no one living overhead, making noise all the time. The apartment was perfect.
Taking a seat on the expensive leather sofa and loveseat, Taylor asked, “Your crush didn’t want to do the right thing by you, Zandy?”
Shaking my head, I said, “I never told him about it. I never told anyone about it. My mother was totally up in my personal business. She kept track of her periods on this calendar that she called the “menstruation keeper.” When I got my period when I was around thirteen, she began adding mine to it. She said she did it so I would know right when I was about to start so I’d never be unprepared.”
“So you’d put some tamps in your purse then, stock up on Midol,” she said with a knowing grin.
“Most of the time, yeah.” Chewing on my lip, I thought back to that time when my period hadn’t come. “Well, anyways, suddenly, one month, my period didn’t start.”
“And when it didn’t show up, what did you do?” Taylor asked with wide eyes. “I mean, I’ve never had a pregnancy scare at all. My mother trotted my ass down to the clinic right after my first period when I was fifteen. She made me start getting the shot as soon as I could, and I’ve been on it ever since.”
“I tried to hide the fact that it hadn’t started.” I remembered how hysterical I felt when I was late. “I lied to my mother about having it, telling her it was right on schedule. Only I didn’t think about one important thing.”
Nodding, she said, “You forgot to plant evidence, didn’t you?”
“Yep.” My chest rose and fell with a heavy sigh.
She shook her head sadly. “Rookie mistake, Zandy.”
Shrugging my shoulders, I said, “I was a rookie. And I wasn’t ready to handle anything, never mind what would happen when my parents found out. I figured I’d have at least a few months to figure something out and eventually talk to the guy about it. I had no idea if he wanted anything to do with me after we’d slept together. We didn’t do a hell of a lot of talking before we got naked together.”
“He must’ve been so hot,” she mused. “’Cause you’re a really gorgeous girl, Zandy. You could have your pick of anyone.”
“I was plain back then, and my parents were really strict. I wasn’t allowed to wear any makeup at all. Everyone else was, but not me. And my mom cut my hair.” I cringed, remembering the horror that was my hair. “I had these straight, very short bags. The rest of my hair was one length that went down to the middle of my back. My clothes were all purchased by my mother, too. Needless to say, they would have looked very appropriate on a teenager in, say, 1950.”
“I don’t suppose you’ve got any pictures,” she said with a wry smile.
I threw a little pillow at her, smacking her in the face. “No, you jackass.”
“Thought as much.” She tossed the pillow back at me, and I caught it. “So, what happened next?”
“Mom took me to see our doctor. He told her I was pregnant. I was only a couple weeks along and already my parents were making decisions about the little baby I carried.” The tears sprang up on cue as his tiny face made a brief appearance in my head. No matter how many years passed, I knew without a doubt that I’d never forget the sight of his perfect little face.
Taylor got up and came to sit next to me. Her arm around my shoulders was meant to comfort, but it didn’t help at all. There was just no way to comfort someone who’d had their child taken away. “They made you give it up?”
Nodding my head, I let the tears flow freely. “We left that night to go stay with relatives in Chicago. Mom and Dad took me out of school. I had to finish high school online. Dad had a cell phone, but other than that we had no other phone because they didn’t want me to be able to talk to any of my friends—the few that I even had. When I was on the computer doing schoolwork, my parents would watch me, making sure I didn’t get a chance to contact anyone. They never wanted anyone to know the shame of what I’d done.”
“And the father of the baby never knew?” she asked as she patted my shoulder, trying to reassure me that everything would be okay. It wouldn’t ever be okay. I’d already accepted that fact.
“He doesn’t know a thing.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, seeing black smudges from my makeup. “He never will. The adoption agency arranged a closed adoption. My parents and I were never given the names of the people who adopted him. And the guy’s name wasn’t on anything—I never even told my parents his name. That was the one thing I refused to do. I didn’t want them saying anything to him or his family about it. It was all my fault, anyway. I was the stupid girl who, when he asked, told him he didn’t have to use a condom.”
“Wow.” Taylor sat back, looking stunned. “That was dumb.”
Nodding, I had to agree. “Yeah, it was.”
“All that happened a long time ago, Zandy. Why let it keep you from getting close to anyone now? Or let it stop you from having more kids when you want them?”
I rubbed my fingers over the black smudges on the back of my hand, trying to make them go away. “It wouldn’t be fair to that little boy if I had more kids. I gave him away. How could I ever expect him to understand that I had to give him up and then go on and keep any other kids? Like I just replaced him like he was nothing.”
“I doubt he’ll ever know you, Zandy.” She took me by the chin to make me look at her. “He will never know if you get married someday and have kids. Stop thinking that way.”
“I just … I can’t do.” I shook my head. “And there’s no way I could ever let a man into my heart anyway, Taylor. There’s an enormous hole there, where my little boy is supposed to be. My heart can’t hold a damn thing in it. I can’t keep anyone in my heart for long before they just leak out.”
“Therapy,” came her answer. “You need some help, honey. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Her calling me honey just made me mad. I got up and went to the kitchen, rubbing at my eyes one last time, making sure all the tears were gone. “I’m making celebratory margaritas. I’ve got a new job, a slamming apartment, and I get to work with you again. Life has never been sweeter.”
Taylor got up to follow me. I could feel her eyes staring a hole through me. “Zandra, seriously, you need to deal with this. It’s a big deal. I’m not even smart, and I know it’s a big deal.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “And it always will be. Whether I talk to a shrink or not, I will never get to see my son. I will never know if he’s okay or not. I will never, ever feel him in my arms. Mostly, I will never forgive my parents for what they made me do. Now, let’s get wasted
, take a nap, and then get up and get ready to go to work tonight.”
It sounded like a solid plan at the time.
Chapter 4
Kane
My best buddy, Rocco, called to invite me to his family’s traditional Italian restaurant in downtown Charleston. Seeing as it was a Saturday night, and my aunt and uncle had taken Fox to Florida to spend the weekend at their vacation home in Miami, I accepted his offer.
The vino flowed like rain, his huge family refilling the glasses all night. One long table ran along the back of the dining room, and close to closing time the family would always eat dinner together, letting the staff take over what was left of the customers.
Rocco and I had been friends since grade school, and I felt like a part of his family. His father clapped me on the back as he filled my glass with red wine. “So, what are you two handsome devils going to be doing after closing tonight, Kane?”
“Going home and getting some sleep,” came my quick answer.
Rocco shook his head, his dark eyes peering into mine. “No. We are not doin’ that, bro.”
“I don’t know about you, but that’s been my plan all along. I’m stuffed and getting soused from all the wine. I think bed sounds like an amazing idea.” I took another drink of the fruity wine, which had a nice, crisp finish, savoring the flavors that burst inside my mouth. “Oh, Papa, this one is delicious!”
“Glad ya like,” he said with a nod. “That one came straight from my cousin Sal’s vineyard in Italy. He brought me a case when he visited last month. Mama and I are taking a trip to see them all in the summer. You should bring Fox, and we can make a real trip of it.”
“That sounds awesome. I might just take you up on that offer.” I thought about Fox getting to see Italy and a real working winery. He’d get a kick out of it, I was sure.
“Please do, Kane.” Papa jerked his head toward his son. “And we’ll take the meatball there too.”
Shaking his meaty fist in the air, Rocco growled, “The meatball would love to come with you, Papa.” He kicked the leg of my chair as he sat across from me. “For tonight, though, I’ve got plans for you, my best bud.”
Not in the mood to go out at all, but deciding to humor him anyway, I asked, “And what are these plans, Rocco?”
“Mynt,” came his one-word statement, which told me nothing at all.
“Mint?” Crossing my arms over my chest, I leaned back to think about what mint could possibly be. “Is that like a dessert shop of some kind? Because I can tell you right now, I cannot possibly eat another bite of anything.”
Loud laughter peeled through the air as he cracked up for some reason. “No! Ha!” Then he stopped laughing. “Unless you consider gorgeous females a dessert, then yes.”
“Gorgeous females, huh?” I still wasn’t convinced. I had no desire to hook up with anyone after the brutal week I’d had. I’d taken two shifts for another doctor who had been fighting a losing battle with his allergies. On top of that, the clinic was overflowing with sick patients each and every day. All I wanted to do was sleep.
“Very beautiful women, Kane. And God knows you could use a woman.” Kicking the leg of my chair again, he wiggled his dark brows at me. “You get what I’m throwing out there, man?”
His cousin Louisa came up behind him. She’d had a crush on me for years. Her slender hands ran down her cousin’s arms as she looked at me, both things seeming rather inappropriate to me. “Don’t go throwing things like that at my man, Rocco.”
“He ain’t your man, Louisa,” Rocco corrected her.
Louisa was drop-dead gorgeous—she had the face of a supermodel and her body was round in all the right places. But beauty on its own wasn’t enough for me, and I’d always found that her brand of aggressive sexuality just didn’t work for me.
“He ain’t my man yet, Rocco. One day he’ll see that I’m the woman for him, though.” She licked her ruby red lips. “One day.”
“Don’t wait on me, honey,” I told her.
“Like she’s waiting,” Rocco said with a chuckle. “This one here went out three times this week. Once with the guy who delivers our tomatoes, once with the man who delivers the beer, and once with the guy who comes in to ask if anyone wants their cars washed.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. The woman certainly liked variety!
Red cheeks blazing, she hit Rocco upside the head then turned to leave. “Idiot!”
Shaking his head, Rocco added, “I might be an idiot, but I ain’t lying.”
We laughed even harder. I wasn’t usually a jackass, but that woman had been coming on to me forever. But then again, she came on to every man within a 10-foot radius. Either way, I was getting sick of her not being able to accept my disinterest.
“So, this place with the gorgeous women. Tell me about it,” I conceded. I wasn’t saying I would go, but I did want to know what the hell it was.
With a flourish of his massive arm, he told me, “Mynt is one badass nightclub. The beauties are endless, the drinks keep on flowing, and the chances of not getting any leg are slim to none.”
My friend often used slang from the age of the dinosaurs, though I had a pretty good idea of what he meant. “Leg, Rocco?”
One hand came up to cover the left side of his mouth, hiding it from his mother, who sat only two chairs away from him on that side. “Sex, moron.”
“Ah!” I didn’t need or want any of that. “Nah. I’ll pass.”
“Pass?” His brows raised, his expression changing to one of absolute confusion. “Who says no to that?”
“A tired doctor,” I let him know. “I told you about my week, Rocco. Don’t look so stunned.”
“Well, here’s how my week went.” He banged his fist on the table, making the wineglasses shake, “Grandmama’s arthritis flared up, so I had to make meatballs every day this week. On top of that, it was my week to clean the damn fryer. That is one bitch to clean, mind you. I’ve worked three double-shifts this week and closed one night, then opened the next day. Now that is one hellacious week, and one that I need to end on a positive note.” His hand came up to cover the left side of his mouth once again. “And that positive note is sex, my friend. As much and as nasty as I can get. And I need a wingman, if nothing else.”
“And you want me to be said wingman, I suppose.” My drink sloshed as I picked it up. I was just about tipsy. Maybe the rest of the wine would make my decision for me—either take me home to bed or out to play wingman for the man I considered my very best friend. Downing the rest of it, I looked at Rocco. His eyes pleaded with me. “Can I go home and change first?”
“Hell, yes, you can!” With a snap of his fingers, his young cousin Giovanni came to Rocco’s side. “Give Kane a ride to his place so he can change. Then come back here and get me. I’m gonna clean up a bit in the kitchen, then I’ll be ready to go. You’re gonna drive us to that nightclub you were telling me about earlier.”
Minutes later I was sitting in the passenger side of an old Buick as the kid drove me home. He stopped abruptly in my driveway, making me grab the dashboard. “Okay, we’re here.” I got out of the car then looked back. “I’ll be right back.”
Going into the empty house, I immediately felt the absence of my son. I hated when he wasn’t home. But he’d really been looking forward to the trip to Florida, so I had let him go.
Walking past his bedroom, I stopped and pushed open the door. I hadn’t stopped by the house when I left work; I’d gone right over to Rocco’s restaurant. I saw that Fox had left his drawers open in his haste to pack. The maid would have to clean up his mess on Monday.
Closing his door, I pulled out my cell to call him. He answered the phone with an excited, “Hi, Dad!”
“Hey there, son. How was the trip down to Miami?” I went to my bedroom and took a seat on the bed, pulling my shoes off.
“Pretty long and mostly boring. I slept most of the way. Uncle James kept teasing me that I was farting in my sleep.” I heard him laughing.
> Then the voice of my uncle came in the background. “He was farting up a storm.”
I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. “Well, doesn’t that sound like a fun trip.” More like a nightmare that I was damn glad I hadn’t been a part of.
“Nana and Pawpaw are coming up tomorrow, Dad,” Fox said. “They wanted to surprise us. But now they’re only going to be surprising Aunt Nancy, Uncle James, and me.”
I’d had no idea they would be going too. And now I felt bad for not being there. “Well, dang. I wish they would’ve told us something. I definitely would’ve come with you guys if I’d known. Do me a favor and give them some kisses and hugs from me, buddy.”
“Sure, Dad.” He laughed. “Nana will smother me with her kisses anyway. She always does.”
Mom and Dad had moved to Napa Valley, California, a couple of years back. We only got to see them once, maybe twice a year. As the newest doctor at the clinic I usually got the worst shifts, and my busy schedule made it hard for us to get out there to see them much. And they didn’t like to travel, so seeing them was difficult. The fact they’d gone to Florida was odd.
“Tell them I’ll call tomorrow,” I said as I got up to take my pants off to put on a nice suit.
“Whatcha doin’ tonight, Dad?” Fox asked.
I didn’t want to tell him too much about the little outing Rocco had planned. “Not much. Just going out with Uncle Rocco for a while.”
“Oh, man!” Fox laughed and shared my news with whoever else was around him, “Dad’s goin’ to hang out with Uncle Rocco tonight.”
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, lover boy!” Uncle James called out.
I wasn’t some horny teen anymore who needed a scolding. Having a son before you turned twenty could be a real wake-up call. “I shouldn’t have mentioned anything about my night. I can see that now.”
“Nope, you shouldn’t have,” Fox told me. “Be good, Dad. And please, don’t do what you did when you were in high school. I’m not ready for a little sister or brother yet.”
Dirty Little Secret: A Secret Baby-Second Chance Romance (Sons of Sin Book 1) Page 3