She made it sound so easy. I wished she was right.
Shaking my head, I picked up my glass. “You’re a kid. You can’t understand this at all.”
“I’m a kid?” she asked, looking injured as she put her hand to her throat. “I can understand things, Zandy. I’m not a moron, but I’m beginning to think you might be.” She looked up as if listening to someone else. “No, strike that. You’re not a moron. What you are is so much worse than that. You’re inconsiderate. You’re unappreciative. And I can’t believe I have to say this to you, as I’ve never thought this way about you until right now, but you’re uncaring. You don’t care that your leaving will kill that little boy. You don’t care that your leaving will wound Kane. You just don’t care.” And with that, she turned and left me sitting there as she cried all the way back to her room, where she slammed the door shut behind her.
I didn’t know how to react. And I didn’t have anyone around to react to.
So I went to my bedroom and fell asleep. I slept for hours and hours, and only woke up because of the sound of my cell phone going off. It was the ringtone I’d set to Fox’s name.
Picking it up, I fought against the pain in my pounding head. “Stupid wine.” I swiped the screen. “Hi, Fox.”
“Hi, Mom. It’s Friday, and I know you’re busy at work, but it’s nine fifteen and Aunt Nancy’s not gonna let me stay up much longer, so I called you to say goodnight.”
Kane hasn’t told him.
“Oh. Well, I’m not at work. I stayed home,” I said as I rubbed my temple to help stop the headache. “I’m glad you called. I was asleep. I’m, uh, sick.”
“Gosh, I hope you’re better by Sunday when I get back home. I want to tell you all about my weekend adventure with Aunt Nancy and Uncle James.”
He’s got plans with me already.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell him that I wouldn’t be there. I couldn’t tell him that I would be leaving as soon as I could.
“Mom?”
“Um, I’ll see if I’m feeling better by then, Fox,” I had no idea what else to say.
“If you’re not better by then, can I come over to see you?” he asked, sounding a little worried.
“We’ll see.” I chewed my lower lip.
“I hope so.” He waited a beat. “I love you, Mom. Goodnight. I hope you get better soon.”
“I love you too. Goodnight.” I ended the call and the tears flooded my eyes once more.
What am I going to do?
Chapter 29
Kane
Never in my life had I dealt with anyone like Zandra Larkin. A woman who’d gone through so much had many layers, and I hadn’t even begun to peel them away.
That just meant I didn’t know how to handle all the layers yet, but I was determined to stick it out and learn. Even if she didn’t feel like listening just yet.
Being a doctor, I thought I should’ve been more informed about what possible effects could arise when a woman has to give up her child. I knew there had to be some pretty bad ones but hadn’t taken the time to do any research.
Now that some of the effects were showing, I knew the time had come to do some research, before Fox and I lost her again.
What I found surprised me. It seemed PTSD was the best diagnosis for what Zandra was going through. My heart ached for her, and it just made me more determined that Fox and I would be the ones to help her through this.
He and I were the best medicine for her. She’d been through a tragedy eleven years ago, and that would never leave her, from what the research showed. But getting to live with her child, raise him, love him, and be loved by him would help make the future look brighter for her.
The fact she didn’t want any help from me stemmed from the fact that she didn’t easily trust people. Just one more thing to thank her parents for. If you couldn’t trust your parents to do what’s best for you, then who could you trust?
I understood that. And I knew it would take time for her to realize that she could trust Fox and me as well. Our love for her would never end, no matter what she thought about herself.
The lack of self-worth was also a common effect of having to give up a baby. Even women and men who were able to make the decision themselves suffered with those emotions. Giving up a baby, even if it was for the good of a child, deeply and profoundly affected the parents, my research showed me.
I hadn’t been through that. I’d gotten to have my son. And I’d failed to think too much about Zandra during those years. I’d never thought about how much she must’ve been suffering. I’d never seriously thought to try to find her and let her know I had our boy.
But I had her now, and she knew our son, and she knew she had a part in his life forever now.
Or did she?
Did she worry that, just like with the baby, one day I too would be taken away from her? Maybe she feared that another woman would come along and that I would forget about her and move on to the next girl.
Maybe she was afraid that she would do something that would make me stop loving her, and that I’d start pulling away from her
She might even think that I would try to take Fox away from her again. That I’d make her give him up all over again.
There were so many things that could’ve been plaguing her. And I hadn’t thought about any of them.
All I had thought about was how great she was, and how wonderful it was to have her in my life. I thought about how fantastic it was that Fox had his mother, his real mother, in his life. I’d told her that I loved her and that I thought she was incredible, but those words were only the tip of the iceberg if I wanted to help soothe her worst fears and insecurities.
She needs help.
At least now I realized what she needed, and I knew where to start looking for help for her. Many psychiatrists and therapists specialized in treating PTSD. There were plenty of places we could go to for help out there. And I would see that she got as much as she needed.
But first I had to get her to let me in, at least a little bit.
She’d shut me out. But I wasn’t going to let that get me down. I loved the woman, and I would fight for her.
And I had to take responsibility for getting her pregnant, too. She’d been carrying that burden alone on her conscience for much too long, it seemed. And I had to be there for her now the way I hadn’t been back then.
There had been times when I’d thought about asking my parents for help in getting to Zandra, to let her know what my family and I were doing to get our son. But I never asked.
And now I was thinking that that had been a giant mistake. I had blame to take, and it was time to take it. It was time to own up to my part in the tragedy that Zandra had suffered.
She thought of herself as damaged goods. Well, if that was true, then I was the one who’d damaged her first. Her parents, who I was coming to despise more and more every day, had finished the act.
It was up to me to do what I could to mend her broken soul. And I knew I could do it. I could do everything I could to help her myself, and I could make sure she got the professional help she needed, too.
She needed me more than she let herself believe. I held the key to helping her live a better life. And I couldn’t let her walk away or run away. I had to grab her and make her stay. I had to make her understand that I wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Once I set my mind on something, I always got it. I was a determined man, and I rarely, if ever, failed. And I wanted Zandra Larkin to get better. I wanted that woman to know love and accept it as her due. I wanted her to have the family we had created when we’d been foolish teens with no idea what life was all about.
And I would give her what she deserved. Even if I had to force-feed it to her in the beginning, then that would just be the way it went.
Zandra had everything she needed to make her happy right in front of her. She thought she was unlovable, but we already loved her. She thought no one would want her as their family, but we alrea
dy wanted her.
By God, how I wanted her. And I wanted her forever. I would never let her go.
Now, how to make it all happen.
Chapter 30
Zandra
Tossing and turning the rest of the night after my call with Fox, I was restless and agitated. The sun broke through my window, making it impossible for me to even try to sleep anymore.
Being Saturday, I knew there would be very little I could do about finding a new job or place to move to. But I had to do something. I needed to get the hell out of Charleston before I changed my mind.
Lying in the bed, I looked up at the ceiling. My eyes burned from all the crying I’d done, and my skin felt dry too. I didn’t feel good at all. Not emotionally, and not physically.
Pulling my body out of bed, I went straight to the bathroom. A long hot bath with bubbles should help me get my head straight and feel a little bit better about life in general.
The numbness still filled me as I soaked in the tub. I didn’t even try to shake it off. It had helped me get through hard times before. It had helped me do what I’d had to.
A huge part of me wanted to stay right where I was, in Charleston. That part of me wanted to believe that my life didn’t have to always be so bad. With Kane and Fox, I’d never felt more alive and happy.
And that scared the crap out of me.
I had never dared to let myself feel happy, loved, or even hopeful that life could turn out great for me. Not ever.
Maybe part of that came from being brought up by people who used the Bible as a weapon. I didn’t know exactly what the main reason was that I felt like there could be no long-term happiness or love in my life.
Had I always felt that way, or had that only started after the pregnancy? God knew my mother had done a great job of convincing me that I was only destined for misery in my future, to make up for the sins of my past.
My mind wandered to Fox. My little boy was a perfect angel; there was nothing evil or sinful about him. He did well in school. His grades were much higher than mine ever were. I’d skirted by in school. But then I’d had no one pushing me to do much better. All my parents had asked of me was that I pass my classes.
Sometimes I thought they didn’t expect more out of me because they knew I wasn’t capable of more. That I just wasn’t that smart.
Thinking that I wasn’t smart, I’d only ever gone for the easiest thing I could find. When I did well at it, that was enough for me—I never tried to aspire for more. Being a cocktail waitress didn’t take much mental work, so I could handle that just fine. I couldn’t be good at anything else, I just wasn’t smart enough, I’d always thought.
But Fox had managed to get his father’s brain and physical abilities, thank God. My son played his little baseball games like he was playing in the big leagues. He took his games and practices very seriously. And he was a real team player, too. That was something else he certainly didn’t get from me.
Not that I’d ever been asked to be on any teams. Or more accurately put, I’d never wanted to participate on any teams. I liked to be alone. Scratch that—I felt more comfortable being alone.
Like some unseen specter, I’d watched the others play, socialize, interact with the other kids in school. Every once in a while, a kid would call out to me to come and join them. I would pretend I didn’t feel well so I could stay on my own.
After a while, no one asked me to join in. They all knew what my answer would be. They left me alone, the way I wanted them to.
Will Kane and Fox just leave me alone?
Kane would be easier to push away than Fox. If I could bring myself to even do that to my son—the baby I’d mourned for ten long years.
Even as I thought that, Kane’s handsome face filled my mind.
Why do you want to push Kane away?
And why did I sometimes talk to myself in second person?
I supposed it was because at times I didn’t feel as if I was a whole being. I felt split sometimes. Maybe I was crazy. No, I was crazy. That was just reality.
Fox didn’t deserve to have to live with a crazy mother. Kane didn’t deserve to be with a crazy woman. I didn’t deserve either of them.
The sound of the doorbell ringing pulled me out of my internal dialogue. I didn’t bother to get out of the bath, though, which grew colder with each passing minute.
Maybe I would just stay in the tub and freeze to death. Not likely, in a home with a thermostat that was set at a constant seventy-five degrees. No, I wouldn’t find an out that easily.
And why was I even contemplating finding an out when I finally had so much good spread out in front of me?
Oh, yeah. ’Cause I’m crazy, that’s why.
A knock came at my bedroom door, and I heard Taylor call out. “Get up, Zandy. You’ve got a surprise out here.”
Ignoring her, I slumped down further, letting my head go under the now-cold water.
Maybe I just won’t come up for air. That would do the trick.
But when my lungs began to burn, I pushed my head up out of the water, taking a deep breath. “What am I doing?”
It took everything I had, but I pulled my ass out of that tub. Slowly but surely, I dried off my body, put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, not bothering with a bra or panties. All I was going to do was lie around in my room anyway.
My hair was a wet mess, my clothes made me look homeless, and all I could do was stare at the loser in the mirror.
The doorbell sounded again. Taylor cussed, “Shit! Who is it now?” The sound of her bare feet padding across the living room floor made me look at my door, instead of the mirror over the dresser. “More?” she asked whoever was at the door. “My God!”
Waiting, I listened to what came next. Then her feet padded to my door, where she knocked again. “Hey, Zandy, get your ass up and come out here.”
Biting my lip, I didn’t answer her. I just looked back at my reflection. This time I found it intolerable.
Pulling off my clothes, I went back into the bathroom and took a proper shower. I washed my hair, shaved my legs and underarms, and put in some creamy leave-in-conditioner to tame my hair.
Something began to come to life inside of me again. The numbness was being pushed away, forced out by something else. I wasn’t sure what the hell it was. Usually, when the darkness found me, it took a lot longer for me to get through it.
The sound of the doorbell ringing off and on, along with Taylor calling out to me to come out and see what the hell was going on, made me feel something really odd.
Hope.
Hope for what, I had no clue.
But there it was anyway. It pulled me out of the shower and made me want to put on a bit of makeup so I could look presentable. For what, again, I didn’t know.
I dried my hair and put it up in a ponytail then dressed more appropriately. Bra, panties, a pair of slacks, a blouse that matched, and some flats too. I finally started to feel more alive, more human.
My eyes were still puffy, but I felt like that would go down if I could move around a bit and drink some water to rehydrate myself. I didn’t know what I was getting myself ready for, but I felt like I needed to be prepared. It felt like something outside my body was pushing me to do it all. Another entity had entered my body, forcing it to do what it felt was necessary.
At least I was there, somewhere, not fighting it at all. For once.
Most of my life I’d felt like I was fighting a battle within me. Part of me wanted to get out and enjoy things the way others did. The other part of me wanted to hide.
With Kane and Fox, the part of me who wanted to join the world of the living—who wanted to have fun, and go on adventures, and feel love—took over. I wanted to be a part of their world. And I’d never been happier.
Running my hands along my waist as I looked into the mirror again, I found a much better version of myself than I’d been looking at earlier.
“So what the hell are you doing, Zandra Larkin?” I whispered to mysel
f.
Running away, as usual.
Shaking my head, I knew I had to change things up. “You have a son now, Zandra. You have prayed and wondered about that boy since that horrible day you watched him being taken out of that delivery room. You have mourned him for what seems like forever. You don’t have to mourn him anymore. He’s right there. And he wants you in his life. He wants you to be his mother.”
Looking at myself, I felt that familiar burn of tears behind my eyes. “No.” Shaking my head, I pushed that crying shit away. “No more.”
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I wasn’t going to be running. Not again.
The truth was, I hadn’t put as much into finding another job as I’d told myself I had. The truth was, I hadn’t really let myself fall head over heels in love with Kane, or even Fox. And that was because I was still guarding my bruised heart, mind, and even my soul.
Fear of losing someone dear to me again had made me put my shields up, making sure I would find myself alone. And I’d lied to myself, telling myself that I was blissfully alone.
I wasn’t blissfully anything. I was barely treading water.
And I had to stop with that and start something new.
Telling Kane that I hadn’t been entirely truthful when I’d told him I loved him would be a start. I was too broken as it was to know how to give my love to him, but I was going to fix that. I just needed time, and I prayed he would be patient with me.
I wouldn’t tell Fox the same thing. Mostly because I had loved Fox from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him. That love had never died. It gotten buried under grief, guilt, and remorse, but it had never been extinguished.
Another doorbell and another shout from Taylor told me something strange was happening and that I should go see what the hell it was. “Coming,” I finally shouted back to her.
Dirty Little Secret: A Secret Baby-Second Chance Romance (Sons of Sin Book 1) Page 22