They moved cautiously, trying to use their limited light to its maximum effect. The trek back to the highway seemed to be impossibly long, a terrifying journey seemingly without end.
Unfortunately it was too late when Danny realized there was more than fear upsetting his stomach. The dread’s presence was undeniable, but there was a tragically familiar underlying sensation, a buzz, that was making him more than a little queasy.
Danny was coming to that realization when the pale, tortured, seemingly floating visage of a ghoul appeared in his light beam. The creature was just a handful of feet away. The surprise sent Danny’s flashlight to the ground and Danny onto his back next to it. He kicked his feet violently, trying to do a version of the backstroke on the forest floor. He was fairly certain that his panting was accompanied by his own terrified screams, but he couldn’t be sure in the fog of his paralyzing terror of anything that he was doing or that was happening around him. Chaos gripped the moment too firmly in its clutches for him to be sure of anything.
Heeding Neil’s advice, when he was finally able to get back to his feet, Danny started to run. He didn’t care the direction or his ultimate destination; he just wanted to get away as fast as he could. The details could be worked out later when he no longer felt like a fleeing, hot meal ready to be served for dinner.
He ran blindly, somehow not running himself into a tree, until his chest hurt and the breaths just would not come no matter how hard he tried to draw air into his protesting lungs.
Any sense that he had about having felt fear before was completely dispelled when the awareness of his utter isolation in dark woods filled with monsters hit him. Without his flashlight, he didn’t even have the comfort of that lone beacon. He stood still, as still as he ever had in his life, and looked around in the pitch black. He’d never known dark so complete in his life. There was neither moon nor street lamps to light the way. He began to shudder, the cold suddenly making itself a more equal partner with both the darkness and fear. He couldn’t help the tears but he suppressed the sobbing that threatened to emerge as well, too afraid to draw attention to himself. The tortured seconds stretched themselves out into an eternity. He wanted to take a step and perhaps make his way back to the others, but he had no idea into which direction he should head or from which direction he had come. He had no idea what he should do.
With no options readily presenting themselves to him, he did the only thing that he could think to do. He sat down against a tree and wrapped his arms tightly around his frame, making himself into a little ball. He was sure to keep his feet under himself so as to keep his legs dry, but he got himself as close to the ground as he possibly could, hoping that any monsters that were still out there might just pass him without realizing he was even there.
He wondered to himself with a whispered doubt, “Why did I even come to Alaska?” He was then reminded of his friend Martin who’d asked him along on this journey to the north. Poor Martin. In his nightmares, he’d seen his friend’s tortured face as he was carried into the hospital’s emergency room, but that was about as far as his recollection extended concerning the boy.
He thought about Martin’s mischievous smile and accompanying laugh whenever he was tickled with something he’d done or seen. Danny thought about sleepovers and birthday parties. He remembered early Saturday mornings at soccer fields and late Fourths of July under a colorful shower of bursting pyrotechnics. But as his mind conjured memories, he couldn’t help but be visited once more by the image of Martin’s greying, agonized face shortly before he succumbed to the sickness that had started all of this suffering. The tears that followed were as much for his lost friend as they were for himself.
He wished he had brought his rifle with him rather than having been talked out of it by Emma. She promised that the others were well armed enough to be able to protect themselves and him in the event of trouble. He knew that he should have kept it slung over his shoulder. Why did he let himself get talked out of it? At least if he was armed, he’d be able to defend himself. As it was, he was helpless and lost. He would probably never be found.
He pulled his arms from his sleeves and let his heavy parka become more of a tent for him than a coat. Maybe he would at least be able to stay warm that way. He remembered that he had stuffed some fruit snacks into his inside pocket in case of any emergency. He figured this was as much of an emergency as he could imagine, so he let his hands find the pocket and opened one of the packages. The sweet, chewy goodness helped him to momentarily forget his plight.
He sat there for quite some time, letting the peaceful moments pass as he appreciated the simple distraction that was tantalizing his mouth. There was no real point in considering what to do next, because he really didn’t have a clue. If he was to try and find the others, he might just wander deeper into the forest and be lost forever or, worse, he might happen upon another of the monsters and deliver himself for dinner; no point in making it easier for them.
His imagination getting the better of him, he then thought about the possibility that the others might have joined the ranks of the undead. What would happen to him if there were no others anymore? They could all have fallen prey to their attacker, especially if there was more than one coming at them. He only saw the one, but he was so terrified and in such a rush to get away that he could have missed many, many more of them as they descended upon his friends. He could be the last of them still alive. And then what? He had no idea where they were headed or even how to get out of the woods to get back on the highway. Suddenly, his helplessness made room for its eager accomplice hopelessness.
By and by, Danny’s ears were touched by a faint tickle, a teasing suggestion of sound without true voice. Danny’s nerves, already twisted as tightly as a coiling steel rope, began to unravel. The tears were back, as was an involuntary moan that forced its way out of his chest. He began to repeat over and over, “I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t...”
The words were so distorted by the salty, wet sobs that it more resembled the garbled gibberish of some imaginary language rather than English. His eyes, filled to overflowing with hot tears, were blurred to the point of blindness. He chanced a nervous glance over his shoulder and his obscured vision saw a pair of glowing eyes coming straight for him. He turned away and felt his stomach drop into his boots. He wanted to run but couldn’t seem to bring himself to get up and go.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and still he couldn’t rouse himself from his paralysis. He was as caught as a moth in a spider’s web. He swallowed hard and clinched his eyes as tightly closed as he could get them, hoping that he could just wish away this moment.
“Danny? You okay?”
He opened his eyes slowly, hopefully. It was a voice that he’d grown to trust and now he knew why. It was Neil and he was crying as much as Danny, as was Meghan, who was standing next to him. The man lifted Danny into his arms and gave him an emotional and affectionate hug. And Danny just let him, feeling as secure as when his mother used to do the same to him in the middle of the night after a nightmare. Neil seemed to possess the power to chase away the dark and all the terrors that lurked inside its concealing folds.
Through his own relieved sobs, Neil said, “I’ve been lookin’ for you.”
Danny couldn’t speak. He just burrowed his face deeper into Neil’s embrace, the utter terror that had been racking him only moments before fading with each deep breath.
Neil asked, “You think we can head on back to camp and the fire now? Or would you prefer staying out here for the night?”
Danny stated emphatically, “Let’s go.”
On their way back, Danny asked Neil, “Where’s the others?”
Neil answered as they walked, “The Doc and Emma already headed back to the camp with the wood we gathered. I’m hoping they’ll have a fire going by the time we get back there. I don’t know about you but I’m starting to feel the cold air in my bones and I could sure use some warming up.”
Danny smiled at Neil, satisfied that they’d all made it safely out of the woods. “What happened to...you know...the...”
“Oh him. The Doc was on him almost as quick as he was on us. He used his baseball bat so that he wouldn’t make any noise and draw more of them to us. You were out of there so quick that no one noticed you’d run until you were already far away from us. You got some speed kid.”
“Sorry, I just remembered what you told me.”
“You don’t have to apologize. You did great. I’m…I’m just glad that we could find you.”
“I knew you would.”
“I made you a promise before that I’d never leave you behind and I intend to keep that promise. Besides, Meghan here would not have let us leave without you either. She’s rather insistent about that.”
Danny looked at Meghan and smiled at her too. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and hugged him to her hip. Danny was happy to see that whatever bad feelings there had been between Neil and Meghan seemed to be gone, or at the very least fading. He hoped that meant that maybe Neil could be happy again.
Chapter 56
With the warmth and the dawn-like corona of firelight surrounding them, the haggard survivors waiting out the oppressive night felt some sense of promise that a new day would rise and with it the possibility that they were nearing the end of the six-week waking nightmare. They took turns standing watch on top of the minivan, but it was just one of those precautions that created a fleeting sense of security without actually making them safe, not too dissimilar to those measures taken by the Transportation Safety Administration at airports.
Danny and Jules retreated into the back seats of the minivan and curled themselves into a tight corner, trying to conserve and pool their collective warmth while they slept. The others joined them in irregular intervals as the adults also took turns trying to rest.
Late that night or, perhaps more accurately, very early the next morning, Neil and Meghan had occasion to be alone at the fire. To everyone, the two of them appeared to be somewhat reconciled, but they had yet to actually discuss the perceptible divide that had opened between them and seemed to not have been spanned yet.
The fact that she sat on one side of the fire and he on the other drove that point home quite tersely for her. She wanted to move over closer to him but wasn’t quite sure if it was okay to do that just yet. He was talking to her again, but they hadn’t actually talked yet. There was still a nagging cold between them that had nothing to do with the temperature of the crisp October air.
Hoping that perhaps her words would find a place closer to him than she was able to find for herself at present, she said, “I’m sure glad we found Danny as easily as we did.”
“Yeah, I think we got really lucky tonight. That could’ve ended much worse than it did.”
Meghan could sense the emotion in his voice. “You okay?”
Neil nodded and stirred the fire with a stick. He was quiet for several seconds but she could tell that he was searching for his words so she let the conversation move of its own accord. She was afraid that if she started leading, he might be deprived of his opportunity to actually share the feelings and the thoughts that were wanting to be expressed despite his apparently inability to do just that. Maybe if she were quiet long enough, the words would flow. It was both frustrating and wearying, but she stood her ground.
Finally he did speak, his words as quiet as his thoughts, “Thank you for helping me find him and helping me keep my promise. I haven’t always been the best at the whole promise-keeping thing. I just don’t seem to have it in me. But this promise was important. More important than any promise that I’ve ever made. I’m afraid that if I couldn’t keep this one then maybe I’d never even bother to make promises to anyone else or even myself ever again. And a life without promises just doesn’t seem like one worth living.”
He paused as his fire stirring created a dancing cloud of glowing red embers that leapt up from the fire and danced like a band of aboriginal natives circling their campfires, celebrating the coming hunt. The little sparks sizzled brightly as they rose and then extinguished themselves like lightning bugs that’ve used up the last of their bioluminescence.
“Meghan, if I can do nothing else with the time still allotted to me in this nightmare of a life, I want to at least be able to know that I did right by those two kids. I wanna know that they’ll live to be adults, and that I had something to do with it. I know that they aren’t my kids but it kind of feels like they are. I’ve never felt this protective of anyone before; neither kids nor adults.”
He surprised himself at the ease in which the words were coming. Before he could stop himself, he said, “I’m not sure what happened between us or even if there was an ‘us’ to begin with. Hell, I might have just been imagining it all along. I’m sorry though. I’m sorry for making you feel...well, I don’t know how I made you feel exactly. I just know that you seemed to be very angry and I guess pretty disappointed with me. I think I got jealous of Art a little because he seemed to have your attention more than I did, but that isn’t why I did or said the things I did. To be honest, I don’t even really remember doing or saying anything that horribly bad, but I’ve never been that adept at recognizing my own stupidity or selfishness so I guess that’s just par for the course as they say. I can say, though, that the things I did were done because I thought they were in the best interest of all of us.
“And now that it is all said and done, I’m not entirely sure that what I did was for the best. We’ve lost almost as many people as are still with us. We can’t keep this up or there won’t be a we to keep it up. Ya know? But really, other than those kids, you’re the only one who I’ve wanted to keep safe and you don’t seem to want to have anything to do with me anymore. I just don’t think I know what I’m doing anymore. I’m second guessing every decision and that isn’t good for anyone.”
Meghan’s face was partially obscured in shadows or Neil would have seen the smile mixed with the tears. She couldn’t have been happier to hear him say the things he was saying about her, but the doubt in Neil’s words pained her deeply. Neil had done everything he could for all of them. He’d almost always accepted more responsibility than all of the rest of them combined. He was willing to make decisions and, whether they were right or wrong, he was willing to do that for them and willing to accept the consequences of those decisions. He didn’t deserve to be feeling the way he was. He deserved a debt of thanks from all of them. All she could think to do, however, was move herself around the fire until she was able to sit next to him and then lay her head on his shoulder.
“Whether you do or not,” she whispered, “we all have faith in you and your decisions. You’ve gotten us this far and up the road a bit is help just waiting for us. By the end of tomorrow, I bet you won’t have to be making decisions for anyone other than you and maybe me if that’s still possible.”
She paused and caught his surprised look as her words registered with him. She smiled softly, letting the satisfaction of what she was finally able to say for the both of them stretch across her face. Now facing him, she leaned forward and kissed his lips as softly as a feather. His lips were dry but as smooth and delicate as tissue paper. After several seconds, she withdrew and saw the surprised look on his face. She could tell that he wasn’t disappointed but still she teasingly asked, “Sorry. Was that not alright? I guess I can refrain from....”
He didn’t let the words finish before he was pressed against her again for another embrace. She could feel the warmth of his kiss radiating like a furnace from within her chest. It was a warming glow that neither the encroaching darkness nor the chill air could begin to cool.
When Jerry emerged from his nest in the van, he cleared his throat loudly, apologetically. The interruption stopped the kiss but it could never stop the affection. Meghan laid her head back on Neil’s shoulder and hugged his arm tightly to her chest. After several quiet moments, she kissed Neil on the cheek and then
took up Jerry’s spot next to Claire in the van.
Jerry said as the van door slid shut, “Sorry man. I didn’t mean to spoil the party.”
Neil smiled as he continued to stir the fire. He said confidently, “Ain’t nothing spoiling this party ever again.”
“You guys must’ve done some talkin’ I guess?”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“It’s about fuckin’ time, my friend.”
Neil smiled at the young man. “You’re right. Hey, I think that’s the first time that you’ve called me your friend.”
“Is that alright with you?”
“Man, everything just seems to be coming up Neil tonight.”
“Well, my friend, I think we’d all agree that of all of us you definitely deserve a little satisfaction for a change. I’m glad to see you cheesin’ the way you are. It makes the night a little less cold.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
Chapter 57
Neil was perched atop the minivan when the following morning finally dawned. To his damned near gleeful surprise, the sunrise was actually accompanied by sun, a celestial fixture that had been noticeably scarce over the past few weeks.
The Alaskan sunrise never ceased to amaze him and this morning was no exception. The rainbow sherbet colored skies filled the dark and white speckled bowl of night until all remnants of the purplish black were gone, awaiting its reintroduction with the sunset.
Neil thought back to his mornings at his office; the quiet predictability, the fresh coffee, and watching the sun emerge from behind the Chugach Range. He remembered those simple mornings waiting to see the beautiful and mysterious Lani, who worked for another company in the building, his cinnamon angel of morning, bounce into the building under his anonymous gaze. And, as if on cue, Meghan climbed from the van and looked up at him.
“Top of the mornin’ to ya, ma’am,” Neil struggled out with his best Texan accent.
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