Even more so was the fact that, as Joss so bluntly pointed out, I had rudely kept answering the phone instead of switching it off. The truth was I’d been enjoying Adam’s jealous reaction.
Somewhere along the line I had forgotten my vow to move on from him after the night at his apartment, and I was playing our stupid game again. I wanted a reaction from him and I got it. But after chewing him out, Adam had gone from hot to ice cold. He tried not to be alone with me and when he was alone with me, he only spoke about things you’d chat to a perfect stranger about.
It had been wearing on my nerves for weeks. That, along with my worries about school and the recurring headaches I couldn’t seem to get rid of, I found myself wanting to lay all my frustrations at his feet. Everyone else would get nice Ellie, sweet Ellie, the Ellie everyone knew and liked. Adam would get crabby Ellie, tired Ellie, the Ellie with the bitter, broken heart.
While Braden detained Joss for a little alpha-male skirmish about her dress, Adam led me up to a private booth across from the bar. I slid in and was surprised when Adam sat down quite close to me.
“Careful,” I warned him dryly, “I think you’re breaking your one-meter distance rule with me.”
He curled his lip, unimpressed. “Don’t start. Not tonight.”
“Not any night.”
His eyes flashed. “You know why I don’t date, Ellie? So I don’t have to put up with this shit. It’s like being in a fucking relationship without the benefits.”
I felt hurt by his declaration and gave him the dirtiest look I could muster. “No, it’s like being in a friendship you broke.”
Having successfully spread my hurt to him, I felt awful, and feeling awful made me even angrier. I didn’t want to care that I hurt his feelings.
Adam was about to respond when movement drew our attention and we saw Joss approaching the booth. He gave her a look that told her to plant her bottom down beside us and save him from me.
I was almost as relieved as he was when she sat down on my other side.
“Braden’s having drinks sent over,” she said, her eyes taking in all the guests. “I didn’t realize he had other friends appearing tonight. I thought it was just us and random people.”
“No,” I replied absentmindedly, my bad mood causing the rope bridge between my brain and mouth to snap. “Some of his exes as well as his previous friends-with-benefits girls love clubbing. He invited them and a few of his guy friends.”
It wasn’t until Adam snapped, “Ellie, what are you playing at?” and I turned to see him gazing pointedly at Joss that I followed his gaze and saw Joss had frozen at my careless comment.
Mortified, I hurried to assure her apologetically, “Oh, crap. Joss, I didn’t mean anything. I mean, those girls don’t mean anything.”
“Let’s get drunk,” she announced overly cheerily and I felt unbelievably guilty for making her uncomfortable and uncertain of Braden.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s just wait for Braden,” Adam insisted.
However, Braden spent an awful long time flirting and chatting with guests. The tension at our table grew so thick we all sought to escape it. Joss and I headed for the dance floor, and I kept her company for a while until I headed to the bar to get some water. As I approached, I caught sight of Adam and felt that familiar burn in my throat. He was wearing a black shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, with black trousers. It was simple; it was hot. He always looked hot. And tonight he looked especially hot as he leaned into a girl who was sitting on a stool at the other end of the bar. She had her head tilted back while Adam braced one hand on the bar and leaned in to whisper in her ear. She laughed and he lifted his face so they were almost close enough to kiss. Whatever he murmured to her made her laugh soften to a flirtatious smile and I felt that burn in my throat transform into a lump of tears.
As if he sensed my gaze, Adam’s head lifted and our eyes met. I’d never found it easy to hide my emotions when I was feeling something deeply and I quickly looked away before he caught it.
“What can I get you?” One of the bartenders finally approached me.
“Bottle of water,” I replied, my voice hoarse with pain and he had to lean in for me to repeat the order. Just as I handed him money for the water, I felt a hand on my lower back and his cologne hit me seconds before his mouth brushed my ear.
“Els,” Adam said quietly, his voice thick with emotion.
I didn’t know how to respond. My eyes fixed downward on the bottle as I tried to control myself, knowing that every day I was getting closer and closer to forcing our situation into some kind of resolution by putting the truth out there.
“Sweetheart, would you look at me?”
I did as he asked, searching his face for answers I knew he wasn’t ready to give me—answers he may never be ready to give me.
He lifted his hand from my back and brushed his knuckles tenderly along my jaw, his eyes following their movement. “The prettiest thing I’ve ever seen,” he murmured.
The words stung because they signaled another ride on this roller coaster of mixed signals. I reared back from his touch, grimacing. “Don’t.”
He dropped his hands. “Ellie—”
I gestured to the girl at the other end of the bar who was now throwing invisible daggers my way. “Did you say that to her too?”
“El—”
A surge of shocked murmurs and shouts interrupted him and we both turned to look over his shoulder to see Braden rearing back from hitting someone. “Gavin,” I gasped.
Adam immediately took off to be by his friend’s side and I followed, my heart racing for Braden. Gavin had been his and Adam’s friend at school, but he’d grown up into a prize arsehole. Braden, for some reason, felt loyalty to him and kept him around. That was until five years ago when he’d slept with Analise and betrayed Braden.
“That is Gavin.” Braden threw Joss a disgusted look. “The friend who fucked Analise. Why the hell were you talking to him like you know him?”
Oh, dear God, Joss knew him? For a moment I felt absolute panic take over me at the thought of history repeating itself for my brother. But I remembered this was Joss, and despite her flaws, she would never be disloyal. I only had to watch the shock fall across her face at the discovery of who Gavin was to realize that whatever was going on, it was a big misunderstanding—at least on Joss’s part.
“He’s a trainer at my gym,” Joss explained. “He helped me once.” She looked up at Braden and she swore that she had no idea who Gavin was.
She also let her feelings for my brother all hang out. I knew she probably didn’t realize it, would even be mortified if she thought for one second she was making herself transparent. However, I was glad to see it and wished Braden wasn’t so riled up because he didn’t even notice it.
“Looks like you moved on to better things, Bray.” Gavin peered at Joss in a way that made my skin crawl and I saw Adam’s shoulders tense up in front of me. “Here’s hoping history repeats itself because I’ve wanted between her legs for fucking weeks. How about it, Joss? You fancy shagging a real man?”
I’d never witnessed my brother hit someone, but he was on Gavin before anyone could stop him. Adam tried his best, but I knew there was a part of him that didn’t want to pull Braden off the sleazy little traitor. But he did, only just managing to keep a grip on Braden when Gavin said something so crude that I almost threw a punch.
By the time security came to drag Gavin out, I thought Adam was going to let Braden go just so his own arms were free to start to swinging. And poor Joss. I watched with concern as Braden, bristling with adrenaline and anger—the likes I’d never seen in him before—hauled her out of the room and up the stairs into his private office.
I didn’t even want to know what was about to happen in there.
I stood there, still shaking from the whole episode, as the crowd returned to enjoying their night. Adam and I were on the dance floor staring at each other; we were both trying to work out where w
e were at, and what the hell had just happened.
The girl from the bar strolled over to him in a tight jersey dress that showcased her bombshell figure. She was shorter than I was, but had more hips and ass. I suddenly felt dowdy in my shapeless, shimmery shift dress. Stopping in front of Adam, the girl placed a proprietary hand on his arm. “Let me buy you a drink after all that.”
When Adam glanced over at me, I was desperate not to bleed as openly as I had earlier, so I took a deep breath and told him flatly, “Go. I’m leaving anyway.”
I brushed past him before he could reply, pushed through the crowd, and made my way to the street level. A hand suddenly curled around my bicep as I was about to step outside and I looked up in surprise to see that it was Adam, with his jacket on.
“I’m making sure you get home okay.”
“You don’t need to.”
He didn’t reply and he didn’t let me go. I was too tired to struggle, so I let him hail me a taxi and I sat in absolute silence with him as the cab drove us to Dublin Street.
When we arrived at my building, he paid the driver and followed me out and up the front stoop. He waited patiently as I got out my keys and opened the door to my dark flat. I took a few steps into the hall, flicked the light switch, and kicked off my heels. “You can go now.”
Instead, Adam slammed the front door shut behind him and stared at me.
I sighed softly, tired of fighting. Mum had always joked that I was a lover, not a fighter. She’d even bought me a T-shirt that said it. “You can leave now, Adam. Thank you for seeing me home.”
“What do you want from me?” he asked, his voice husky with anger.
I backed away, hitting the wall, and watched warily as he stalked me. My chin tilted, my lips parting in surprise as he placed his hands above my head on the wall and caged me against it. He lowered his head, his nose sliding along mine until his mouth rested just above my lips. I swallowed, finally finding my voice. “What do you want from me?”
His answer was to crush my lips beneath his.
Like the last time he’d kissed me like this, the world just disappeared, taking reality and all the important stuff with it. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers curling into his hair, my breasts pressed hard against his chest as we devoured one another.
Adam eased our carnal kiss, releasing my swollen mouth to press soft kisses along my jaw and down my neck as his hand slid up my thigh. I sank against the wall with a throaty moan, my eyes closed as he kissed my lips again, his tongue teasing mine. His fingers slipped under the fabric of the lacy lingerie I was wearing under my dress and I groaned into his mouth at the pressure of his fingers pushing inside of me.
Adam pulled back, his breathing as shallow as mine as he toyed with me. I closed my eyes again, the pleasure building. I gripped his arm as he pushed me toward it. “Adam,” I pleaded.
“Look at me,” his words rumbled over my mouth and I immediately opened my eyes to find his blazing into mine. “I want to watch you come.”
I felt my cheeks flush even harder at the demand, but I held his gaze as his fingers worked me, my hips undulating against his hand, my gaze turning drowsy. Adam’s breathing grew harsher and harsher as he watched me, and when he pressed down on my clit with his thumb and I broke apart, clinging to him through my orgasm, he swore loudly and rested his head in the crook of my neck.
My legs were trembling as I came down from my high, reality settling in. Confusion overwhelmed me and I felt tears in my eyes. Adam’s warm breath caressed my skin as he lifted his head to whisper in my ear, “I almost came just watching you.”
I shivered, tingling all over again.
“You make me so goddamn hard,” he confessed and he gently lifted my hand to press it to his erection straining against his trousers. Triumph melted the confusion away for a second, a powerful feeling of victory taking over me as I caressed him and felt his groans of pleasure against my ear. At least he wanted me. At least he was in torment over that.
“If you don’t stop, baby,” he peeled my hand away with a regretful sigh, “I’m going to blow.”
Our eyes met and he saw the tears shining in mine and pushed away from me with another curse. Running his hand through his hair, Adam sighed heavily and said, “I shouldn’t have done that. Els, I’m sorry.” His face crumpled and I saw the self-flagellation in his expression.
“Why?” I asked softly, needing to know once and for all what was happening to us. “Why shouldn’t you have done it? Why can’t we . . . ?”
Those gorgeous dark eyes of his lifted to mine in surprise, as if he couldn’t believe I didn’t understand. “Because of Braden, Els. He’s my best friend. He’s family. I can’t take the risk that he won’t forgive me for . . . .” he gestured helplessly to me.
The warmth from the aftermath of the orgasm he’d given me was destroyed by the chill his words created in me. I stepped away from the wall and tried to control a burning lump in my throat. “But I’m willing to. I’m willing to because I’m in love with you. You know I’m in love with you.”
The lack of surprise on his face was confirmation.
I shook my head, laughing bitterly as I wiped at tears that had begun to fall. “All these years, even now, you’ve told me all you ever wanted to do was protect me from getting hurt. And yet you say things and do things to confuse me, to make me think you might feel the same way that I feel about you, and then in the next second, you’re cold and you flaunt other women in front of me.” The tears fell fast now and I could see Adam’s own eyes starting to shimmer with pain. I didn’t care. I had to get this over with. “The only person who’s ever really hurt me is you. And I keep letting you.”
“Ellie . . . ” he sounded wounded as he took a step toward me. “I do love you,” he admitted and instead of feeling joy at those words, the last piece of me holding onto hope crumbled.
I shook my head. “But not enough.”
“You know that’s not true. Els, you of all people have to understand. If you and me start something and it all goes south, I lose Braden too. I’ll lose the two people in the world who mean the most to me.”
I wanted to understand him. I tried to understand the reasons behind people’s actions because I wanted to believe the best in everyone. But all I knew was that I loved him enough to risk it all—to risk our history—for something more, and the fact that he wasn’t willing told me he couldn’t possibly feel the way I felt about him. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone I loved more than he’d ever love me.
“Go home, Adam,” I replied softly. “We’re done.”
His eyes widened in shock. “Ellie—”
“I’ll pretend for Braden. When we’re all together, I’ll pretend for Braden that nothing has changed between you and me.” I held his gaze, attempting to be strong as I ended us. “But whatever this is, it’s over. Everything. Don’t call me, don’t visit. Just don’t. I don’t want you near me when you don’t have to be. It hurts too much, and if you care about me even just a little bit, you’ll stay away from me.”
I didn’t let him reply. I couldn’t. I turned and strode down the hall into my bedroom, closed the door behind me, and leaned up against it as I tried to catch my breath.
There was silence in the hallway for what seemed like forever, and then finally I heard the front door open and close quietly.
The burn in my throat burst out into sobs, and I slid down the door trying to catch my breath through the pain . . .
Chapter 8
“Most miserable bloody weeks of my life after that.” Adam turned the pages, scanning my sparse entries after that night.
I slid my hand around the nape of his neck and gave it a squeeze. “Me, too, honey.”
He lifted my hand from his neck and brought it around to give my knuckles an absentminded kiss. “The night at Jenna and Ed’s wedding was fucking torture.”
I agreed with him completely. We’d both taken dates. I went with Nicholas, just to be particularly a
nnoying, and Adam had taken some random girl with him. Although I’d flitted around the wedding, acting my cheery self and steadfastly refusing to look Adam’s way, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Adam threaded my fingers through his and rested our hands on his lap. “Here it is.” He held the diary up.
“What?” I frowned, trying to read my writing.
“I’m fast-forwarding to my wake-up call.”
Monday, December 17th
I’m writing this as quickly as I can because I can see Adam is about to rip the pen from my hand and use whatever means at his disposal to bring my attention back to him. Since I like the means he will use, I need to get this down. It’s been an utterly exhausting weekend but today I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a while. This morning I woke up to something beautiful, and I swear after the last week I’ve had, I didn’t think that was possible . . .
Focusing on a crack in my ceiling I attempted to push the fear and desperation back. There was this buried part of me that kept trying to push up and grip my chest from the inside out to pull me to it to whisper desolately, “I’m not ready to die.”
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop . . .
I couldn’t think like that.
But it was what I’d been hiding from for months. When my doctor told me I needed glasses, I’d ignored my own instincts and focused on that solution with utter relief.
Still, the headaches kept coming and the exhaustion worsened as the anxiety I kept hidden from everyone grew.
I’d had a seizure in my kitchen. I was terrified but also strangely relieved as I sat in the hospital and waited for an MRI. I was sick to my stomach with fear, but relieved that I was going to know once and for all what the hell was wrong with me.
A tumor; a brain tumor.
I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results. It was a brain tumor and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty-four hours of waiting to find out if I had brain cancer or not.
Until Fountain Bridge: (InterMix) Page 8