Ted was starting to wonder if she was depressed again. About six years before, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Since the doctors detected it early her treatment was successful and she did not have to lose her breast.
She was depressed during the entire process. It took her two years to get over her depression with the help of therapy and an anti-depressant medication. After two years, she stopped taking the medication.
Ted had noticed she didn’t like going out with him anymore. She constantly complained of being tired and all she wanted to do was stay at home, sleep, and watch television. The only day that she continued to go out was Sunday; little did Ted suspect that was only to be with her lover.
He decided that he would talk to her once they returned home from the movie. He had hoped that she would be honest and upfront with him about what was bothering her.
“Hey baby, can I talk to you? I’ve noticed that you seem a little depressed over the past several months. Is everything okay?” asked Ted as they were getting ready for bed that night.
“No, I’m not depressed. I’ve been a little tired, that’s all. I probably need to start taking my vitamins again and exercising. There’s no need to worry,” said Lynn as she walked into the bathroom, trying to avoid the conversation.
Ted persisted, “I think it’s more than that and you just don’t want to talk about it. I’ve seen you this way before, baby, and it’s more than you needing to take vitamins and exercise. I think you may need to start seeing Dr. Philips again and maybe resume medication,” he said, walking behind her.
“I don’t need to see Dr. Philips and I don’t want to start taking medication again. I think I know what is best for me, Ted. I’m not a little child so stop treating me like I am. And why are you walking behind me? I can hear you from the bedroom,” she snapped as she began closing the bathroom door.
“I am not trying to treat you like a child. I’m just worried about you. You never like going anywhere with me or the children and I’ve noticed that you stopped getting your nails and hair done every weekend. That’s not like you. I thought you enjoy getting that done.
“Even the kids are starting to notice the change. None of us want to go back to how things were years ago. I thought we agreed that if you start feeling overwhelmed again you would let me know and I would get someone to help out around the house,” Ted spoke slowly and calmly, trying to keep the situation from getting out of control.
He could tell that Lynn was starting to get an attitude because he brought the situation up. This too was an indication that something was bothering her. Whenever she would get an attitude he knew something was wrong.
“I didn’t bring this up to start an argument. I love you, Lynn, and I care about what happens to you,” he said, trying to put his arms around her.
She pushed him away.
“You want to really know what’s bothering me? I feel as if my life has stood still. Everything I do is centered on you and the children. I seem to have gotten lost. I want to do more with my life. Being a housewife was great when the children were small but they don’t need me as much as they did before.
“Ted Jr. is already seventeen. He’ll be going to college next year. Our baby is thirteen and Jonathan is fifteen now. I’ve been thinking about going back into the schools as a substitute teacher. I probably never should have stopped in the first place,” she said angrily.
“I have no problem with you teaching again, but keep in mind the students have changed. They’re not the same as they were twenty years ago when you were in the classroom. Are you sure you’ll be able to handle all of that pressure? Besides, you need to keep in mind that although Rebecca is thirteen, she still needs you and so does Jonathan.
“Are you sure that’s all that’s troubling you? You seem as if you have something else to say. Go ahead—say what’s on your mind,” said Ted, trying hard to stay calm.
His soothing tone just made Lynn angrier, “I know the students aren’t the same. I don’t need you to tell me that. And what do you mean ‘am I able to handle the pressure’? You act as if I never went to college. You’re not the only person in this house with a degree. I do have my Master’s in Education. I know what to do,” she snarled.
“Listen baby, I know you can do whatever you put your mind to. What is it with this attitude? You say nothing else is bothering you and yet you seem to be so angry right now. You act as if I have no right saying anything to you. If I see that something is wrong then I am going to say it and I hope you’ll do the same.
“You seem to be blaming me for you not teaching anymore. When I asked you to stop working to raise our children you were more than happy to stop. Now you’re blaming me for your regrets. I don’t think that’s fair,” he said angrily.
“Now who has the attitude? I simply said that perhaps I should have never quit. I wasn’t trying to insinuate that it’s your fault I’m no longer teaching, though if you hadn’t brought it up I would’ve never considered it,” Lynn’s raised voice echoed off the bathroom tiles.
“So you do blame me for you not teaching anymore. How long have you felt this way? How long have you felt I ended your career?”
“All I’m saying is that I miss teaching and I want to go back. I was happy when I was in the classroom. My life seemed to have had meaning and purpose,” she said, showing her frustration.
“So now your life has no meaning and purpose. I didn’t know raising children and taking care of your family was meaningless to you. Excuse us for being in the way of your career,” he yelled.
“You know that’s not what I mean. Stop twisting my words around, Ted. I love you and the children. All I’m saying is as a woman I feel lost. You’re doing what you love and you still manage to take care of us. I’m just saying that I want to do the same. Is that too much to ask?” she asked as she started to cry.
He never could handle it whenever she cried. He immediately retreated and tried to regain control. “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just that you’ve been acting so distant. I don’t know what to do. I had to say something because I could see it was eating at you. If I didn’t love you then I wouldn’t say anything.
“I don’t want to be selfish. If you think teaching would make you happy then do it,” Ted put his arms around her.
“It means a lot to me to have your support. I really need to do this,” said Lynn as she leaned over and kissed him passionately across the lips.
He was pleasantly surprised that she had kissed him that way. It had been a long time since she showed him any real affection. That evening he and Lynn made love to each other. This time the only person on his mind was her, which made the evening more amazing.
February proved to be a challenging month for Ted. The case involving Senator Sullivan forced him to work long hours for two weeks straight. Lynn started getting more depressed because her calls to the Personnel Department at the local school district were not being answered.
Because he was so busy he had not noticed her depressed state until one night she surprised him by coming to his office. He and three other lawyers were going over important evidence in the case when she walked in.
“Ted, I really need to talk to you,” she said, looking strange.
Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail and her clothes were wrinkled. She seemed pale and was not wearing a coat. He knew right away that something was wrong.
“Lynn honey, is everything okay? What are you doing here so late?” he asked as he approached her.
“I need to talk to you. Didn’t you hear me the first time?” she asked loudly.
“Let’s call it a night, guys. We’ll meet first thing in the morning,” he said to the other attorneys.
He turned back to Lynn, “Come over here and sit down. What’s wrong? Where are the children?”
“The children are home. I don’t know what to do. I cannot take it anymore,” said Lynn standing back up and pacing the f
loor.
“You can’t take what? What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense. Come and sit down, sweetheart,” concern filling his voice, Ted tried to get her seated again.
“I don’t want to sit down. Why aren’t you listening to me? I can’t take it. I can’t take it. You’re so busy being so damn important to everyone else that you can’t see that I’m miserable. I can’t take life anymore. I’m tired of being alone and feeling so lonely,” yelled Lynn.
“Calm down baby, calm down. Please tell me what’s wrong. Why are you so miserable? Is it the teaching thing again? I told you it was okay. I didn’t know you were so lonely. You have me and the kids,” said Ted, trying to comfort her.
“It’s everything, Ted—teaching, marriage, the kids, my life, everything. It’s not easy being the wife of Mr. Ted Finch, Chicago’s finest defense attorney. Women think it’s so wonderful being in my shoes. They constantly tell me that I’m lucky to have you as a husband.
“But no one sees how difficult it is keeping up this charade; pretending to be happy all the time when I’m dying on the inside. No one stops and thinks about the wife and what she goes through. Or that maybe she has goals and aspirations, that maybe she is intelligent and can stand on her own. All they see is a successful man and the wife who holds things together at home gets very little credit.
“Even you act as if I should be grateful that you selected me as your wife out of countless others who would love to be in my shoes,” she yelled.
“What the hell is wrong with you? What are you talking about? You come to my office with this shit out of the blue. You couldn’t wait for me to come home? I don’t know what’s going on with you but you need to get it together. When I asked you a few weeks ago what was wrong the only thing you mentioned was your desire to teach again.
“I told you then to go for it. Now you say that you’re miserable and dying inside. I think you’re losing it. You need to get some help before you say and do something to tear our family apart. I love you Lynn, and so do the children, but no one is going to participate in your pity party.”
Ted’s voice began to rise, “We’ve been married for twenty years and you decide now to rediscover yourself? I have been more than patient with you. I gave you everything you ever asked for. I sent you on countless vacations, I send you to the spa whenever you want, and I have given you maids to help around the house.
“I even tolerated your lack of sexual interest in the bedroom. You think the last seven years have been easy on me? I’m not even able to have sex with my wife!” he yelled.
“That’s not fair. You know I was battling breast cancer during that time. How dare you say that to me? How dare you? I tolerated you when you couldn’t get an erection. When your shit wasn’t working I didn’t throw it in your face and now you dare throw it in mine?” she shouted back.
“Your cancer has been in remission for over four years and the doctors said that you were more than capable of intercourse. Don’t blame our lack of sex on your cancer. You’re right—when I had my erectile problems you were patient and I was patient when you went through chemotherapy and radiation.
“Look Lynn, I’m not going to do this with you. I’m calling Dr. Philips in the morning. I strongly suggest that you agree to see him before someone says something that can’t be retracted. Now let’s go home,” said Ted with finality.
“I’m not going home with you,” yelled Lynn.
“What do you mean you’re not coming home? Where are you going at 11:00 p.m.?” he demanded.
“I’m going to a hotel. I don’t want to be in the same house with you,” she said angrily.
“No you’re not. You’re coming home. I’m not paying for you to stay at a hotel. Now let’s go,” he demanded again.
“You don’t have to pay. I have my own money,” she yelled.
“Lynn, stop it. If you don’t want to be in the same house as me then I’ll go to a hotel. You need to be at home,” he insisted.
Lynn glared at him for a moment before replying, “Okay. As long as you’re not there then I’ll go home.”
He and Lynn got in their cars and went their separate ways. Ted was furious. He couldn’t figure out what had gotten into her. Her bizarre behavior had gotten out of control. On his way to the hotel he called Dr. Philip’s answering service and left a message for him to call in the morning.
He was really worried about her; he had never seen her like this before. He was starting to believe that she would try to hurt herself. He wanted to go home but didn’t want to start an argument and awaken the kids.
When Lynn arrived home she was still upset. She started crying and could not stop. She didn’t know what to do. Her feelings of hopelessness and despair became overwhelming and she felt trapped. She wasn’t sure how much more she could handle.
She went into the bathroom and found a bottle of sleeping pills that she had started taking a few weeks before to help her sleep. Looking at her haggard, distraught face in the mirror, she knew it wasn’t going to get any better. She decided she no longer wanted to live and took all the pills in the bottle. After taking the pills she took a shower and put on her favorite red dress and heels.
She put on her makeup and combed her hair. She then sat down to write a note to Ted and the children.
Dear Ted,
I love you so much and I am sorry for disappointing you. I said some pretty mean things to you earlier and I want you to know that I did not mean them. It’s not your fault that I have decided to end my life. Please tell the children that I love them very much and it’s not their fault that I took the pills either.
Life has been pretty hard for me in the past several years. When I had breast cancer I was devastated. I thought after the chemotherapy and radiation that I would go back to being my old self. I thought I would be able to enjoy life again and love being a woman.
When the doctors assured me that they were able to get all of the cancerous cells and I was cancer free I remember being so happy and grateful. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to desire making love to you again.
I honestly tried to get myself together but it has been very difficult. When I lost my hair and my nails started turning dark from the treatments I started feeling less than a woman.
That night we made love, I believe three weeks ago, it was so wonderful. I really felt beautiful and desirable again. Thank you so much for making me feel special. I love you. You and the children are my world.
When you asked me what was wrong I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I went to the doctor about two months ago and they told me that my cancer has come back. They want me to undergo the chemotherapy again and have a mastectomy.
They told me that they are confident they can get all of it again but I’m not sure if I can handle the treatments or the loss of my breasts. I cannot go through the pain and agony again; it was too unbearable. I knew if I told you about the cancer resurfacing that you would try and convince me to go through with the treatments and the surgery.
I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands by choosing when I die. By the time you find this letter I would have already transitioned on. I know you will take good care of the children.
I love all of you and I hope one day you will find it in your hearts to forgive me and understand why I had to do this.
Love always and forever,
Lynn
After writing her letter she went into the kids’ rooms and while they were asleep, kissed each of them goodbye. She returned to her bedroom, lay across the bed, and closed her eyes, waiting to die.
Meanwhile, as he continued on to the hotel, Ted started thinking about what Lynn said and her bizarre behavior. The more he thought about it, the more he began getting a nervous feeling in his stomach.
He decided to turn the car around and head to their house. He managed to make it home within fifteen minutes. When he went upstairs to their bedroom he saw her on the bed all dressed up. He k
new something wasn’t right. He ran to her and tried to wake her up.
“Lynn, wake up. Come on baby, get up,” he said lightly tapping her face.
When she wouldn’t wake up he immediately started performing CPR. He managed to call 911 as he continued compressing her chest.
“911—what’s your emergency?” asked the operator.
“My wife. She’s not breathing. I think she may have taken something. I need you to send an ambulance to 12390 Jacob Lane right away,” said Ted, panicking. “Come on baby, come back to me. Please come back to me,” cried Ted, dropping the telephone.
By this time Ted Jr. came into the room; the noise had awoken him.
“Oh my God, Dad! What’s wrong with Mom? Mom—wake up, wake up,” he shouted, trying to get to his mother.
His yells woke the other children, who immediately ran into the room. When they saw their mother laying there not moving they started screaming and crying.
“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” screamed Rebecca.
“Why isn’t she moving, Dad? Help her,” cried Jonathan.
At that point the ambulance came. Ted instructed Ted Jr. to get the door to let the paramedics in. They immediately started CPR and checked for a heartbeat. They put the oxygen mask on her. After a few minutes they were able to get a steady pulse.
The paramedics rushed Lynn into the ambulance. As Ted and the children were leaving the room to follow them to the hospital, he glanced into the bathroom and saw the empty pill bottle lying on the counter. He grabbed it and ran downstairs.
He and the kids frantically headed to the hospital. The children were in the car crying and holding each other. None of them knew what to expect once they arrived.
When they arrived at the hospital, Ted instructed the children to sit in the waiting room while he spoke with a nurse. He didn’t want them to know that she tried to kill herself.
“Hi, my wife was just brought here in an ambulance. Her name is Lynn Finch. I need to know what’s happening with her,” said Ted anxiously.
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