by C. B. Hunt
I didn’t know how to tell you that I needed you to stay close to me. To hold me. To protect me from slipping into that place of fear and self-destruction. I hate who I am, and people like me don’t deserve to be happy. You make me happy, and it confuses me. Even when you scold me, you have love in your eyes, and I don’t doubt your intent.
Except for last night. You were so distant and cold. Even though you went through the motions, I felt no warmth or love. I first tried to make myself believe it was because you were tired—but I’ve seen you tired before and you’ve still been loving with me. I worked myself into believing that you hated me and, like my parents, wanted me gone and would do whatever you needed to make that happen. My heart says no, it’s not true, but my head won’t stop speaking those words.
So instead of you hurting me, I hurt myself. I’m sorry. Like I said, I failed you.
Forgive me,
B
I looked at the letter through blurred eyes. How was he going to take it? I essentially was blaming the deep wounds in my thigh on him, but I knew it was my choice. Would he decide I was a mental case and have me locked away? How would a survivor of sexual and ritual abuse behave when faced with rejection? I’ve never met anyone else who admitted to living through these things, but I also had to consider how many people refused to discuss it for fear of being judged, ridiculed, and ostracized.
It was time to face the music. The letter was done, and he said that I had to face the severe portion of my punishment. I went inside and approached him as he sat on the couch reading the newspaper. My hand trembled as I handed the letter to him and then silently stood, eyes to the floor, and held my breath as he read it.
“Let me see your legs,” he said quietly. I unzipped my jeans and let them fall to the ground. His warm hands probed the dark bruised areas where I had used a meat skewer to impale myself. He pulled my jeans back up, zipped them, and then pulled me to sit on his lap. “This is why I need you to find your voice, baby girl. If I had known how you were feeling, I could have helped you.”
“I don’t want you to hate me.” I sounded like a little child.
“I don’t hate you. I’m angry with myself right now. Usually, I can read subs and their needs much better, but I keep missing yours.”
“That’s because I’m not a sub.”
“You keep saying that, but you are a sub, through and through. You just haven’t had the right Dom to bring it out and teach you to trust. Please promise me that the next time you feel the need to hurt yourself, you will tell me.”
“What will you do?”
“It depends. I will either hold you until the feeling goes away or, if you need the pain to help you release, I’ll spank you until you can go away and then I will bring you back.”
“You would do that?”
“Of course I would. I will do anything that you need me to do, sweetheart, but I can’t read your mind. Let’s clean up these wounds so that they don’t get infected and then put on your shoes. We’re going out.”
“You said I was grounded.” I was confused.
“You are, but I need to go into town, and I’m not leaving you here alone.”
After he meticulously scrubbed the holes in my thighs clean with a long wooden swab wrapped with gauze and dipped in salt water, he bandaged me up and then held me close while I cried. His doctoring of my wounds was very painful, but not as much as seeing the tears on his face as his did the job. That was enough to make me not want to put him through the same thing again.
Once finished, he held my hand and walked me through the gate of the house and down the narrow road past a line of family burial tombs. The town of Tengan was filled with twists and turns, and one could easily get lost, but he held fast to my hand until we got to the marketplace. He left me at a flower stand with orders to pick out an armful of pretty blooms as he went to find an object that he refused to reveal.
“Those are beautiful,” he said, paying for the bunch of orchids that I had selected. “Let’s get home.”
“What’s in the bag?”
“You’ll see.”
I prayed it wasn’t another ping pong paddle or something along those lines. I knew the flowers were to distract me from seeing his purchases which didn’t make me feel any more at ease. I eyed his bag suspiciously as he put the flowers in a vase and then sat across from me at the kitchen table.
“I was thinking about your letter.”
“I’m not insane.”
“I never said you were. In fact, the ones who are insane are the people who do things like that to others. What you are is a survivor and what we need to do is to teach you how to be a thriver. This is how it will begin.”
He removed two children’s coloring books, crayons, and a couple of small boxes from his bag. “Open,” he ordered, removing a white cube wrapped in paper from one of the boxes. Without asking, I obeyed.
“Yum. What is it?”
“Rice candy wrapped in rice paper. One more.” He popped another into my mouth. “Pick a coloring book.”
Had anyone looked into the window and saw the two of us sitting at the table and coloring as we talked, they might have thought it to be strange, but it felt so natural and comfortable to me. Focusing on the activity made it easier to talk and express myself, which was probably his goal. It also made me more open to listening. Except for our lunch break, we spent the entire day together coloring and talking. It was one of the most perfect days of my life.
I glanced at the clock and silently rose from the table. It was nearing eight-thirty, and I wasn’t about to ruin the day by making him angry. It was already upsetting to me that it had to end on such a painful note, but I knew Ray well enough to know that he would keep his word.
“I’m proud of you. I didn’t have to remind you,” he mentioned, escorting me to his room. “Because of that, no paddle.”
“Really?”
His hand was not much lighter, but it was more intimate and strangely comforting. It also didn’t make me cry. When he finished this time, he held me and reassured me about how much he cared for me and that all would be better one day. Held securely in his arms, I believed him.
The following day, he brought out a 1500-piece puzzle of the Taj Mahal which we worked on and talked. I finally gathered the courage to ask him when he planned on giving me the severe punishment that he had promised. With a straight face, he commented that having to suffer spending all that time with him was punishment enough; however, I would still receive the ten nightly swats with his hand if I came to him and was still grounded. I gladly accepted.
That week of quality time changed my heart as I started thinking of Ray as Daddy.
Chapter 8
“Are you all right?” Logistics Officer Lt. Jean Durchek asked from behind as I stumbled backward. She was drop-dead gorgeous—tall, porcelain perfect skin, naturally red lips, long red hair, and green eyes. She was as wild as she was fearless and gave Ray as much lip as I did. She was also known to cause mischief, so Ray always cautioned me against spending too much time with her to avoid being corrupted.
I was stunned. Ray had thrown me a surprise birthday party and all the personnel from the ‘head-shed’ (Headquarters Battalion) had been invited. He had it catered, provided a huge cake, and bought me a gigantic Teddy Bear with a camouflaged bow that sat happily at my desk.
“I can’t believe he did this,” I finally choked out.
“He was asking around about what to get for you. Half of us said a punching bag; the others said a Teddy Bear. You are building a nice little reputation for yourself, girl.” She elbowed me.
“I am?”
“Yep. You don’t put up with any shit from anyone, no matter what their rank is. I, for one, appreciate that. I’m the same way. He cares about you. I hope you know that. You’ve been good for him. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him happy.”
“How long have you known him?”
“He was my very first CO after I got out of OCS. I was the
only female in the unit, and he called me into his office to inform me that my safety was his primary concern. I nicknamed him Major Pain in the Ass.”
“I need to remember that. He hasn’t changed; that’s for sure.” I commented.
“That’s a good thing. He’s a rare breed. I wish there were more like the Old Man around. Speaking of which …”
“Hello, Ladies. Are you enjoying yourselves?” Ray asked.
“You’ve always known how to throw a great party. I think you shocked your little corporal into silence.”
“That would be a first.” He looked so proud of himself. “What do you think of your very first birthday party?”
I wanted to hug him so badly. “It’s amazing, but I don’t like being the center of attention.”
“What do you mean her first?” Jean wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
“It’s a long story, but her family didn’t believe in celebrating birthdays.”
“Was it a religious thing?” Jean wrinkled her brow.
“No, a personal choice,” I said. “They didn’t do holidays either. This last Christmas, he put up a little fake tree and decorated it with combat boot laces, web belt buckles, and put his dress blues cover on top. It was sad.” I giggled.
“Seriously, Ray?” Jean shook her head.
“I also took Bree and Les to the Four Seasons for dinner and then to the botanical gardens to see the lights. I also took them to the New Year’s Eve Party at Admiral Kuhn’s place.”
“I’m jealous. I can’t believe you didn’t invite me.”
“You hate parties,” Ray stated.
“Yea, but the Admiral’s party is legendary. You’re spoiling her, you know,” Jean hugged me tighter.
“She works hard and deserves to be spoiled now and then. I recall several times that you were spoiled as well.”
My ears perked up. I knew the two were friends, but that was about it.
“Spoiled? I don’t know what your definition of the word was back then, but it certainly isn’t the same as now. This man made my life miserable,” she said to me. “He was a warden. I couldn’t even tinkle without his permission.”
“I know that feeling,” I said. Had she been one of ‘his girls?’
“I’m a little overprotective. I’ve seen what these jerks have done to women, and I want to take care of as many of you as I can,” Ray said, defending himself. “It still didn’t give you leave to start messing with me.”
“Oh, please! I was messing with you the very day I was assigned to your command. Remember your pencil sharpener?”
“The one that kept breaking?”
“It wasn’t broken. I took out the gear. I also filed down the wheel of your chair so that it would tilt all the time.”
“You didn’t! That drove me crazy!” Ray’s mouth fell open.
“Yep. And how long did it take before you realized that all the ‘Atta Boys’ on your wall were gradually moving up? Three months?”
“You little brat.”
Jean giggled. “And there are much more, even now. I better go before you pop a vein. Toodles!”
“Daddy?” I whispered. “Was she one of your girls?”
“No, but if she had, she wouldn’t have been sitting her entire military career. Unbelievable.” He shook his head.
***
Ray, Les, and I spent my birthday weekend camping at the beach. We went snorkeling, spear fished, crabbing, and just hung out away from work. It was one of the most memorable times of my life, sitting in front of the fire pit with the two people who had become my family and best friends. Ray was an avid storyteller and spent hours sharing about his experiences in Korea and Vietnam.
I thought about Jean’s statement. My general was truly unique and so unlike the average military officer.
“Daddy?” I no longer cared that Les heard me call him that when we were in private. I trusted him with my life and knew he understood my needs.
“What, darling?”
“Why did you join the service? You aren’t like the others. You could have done anything in the business world. You majored in Russian and diplomacy. Why didn’t you go to work as an ambassador?”
“I wanted to do something that I felt would have the greatest impact on the most amount of people. I hate war, and if there was a way to teach my young Marines that there were other ways to win a battle than to shed blood, I wanted to do that.”
“Why did you join up, Les?” I asked.
“You already know. It was this or jail. I had nothing to keep me at home and had nothing to go back to. Detroit is my version of hell, and if I never see that fucking place again, I will die a happy man. Why did you sign up?”
I frowned, thinking it strange that Ray didn’t say anything about Les swearing. Wisely, I didn’t push the issue. “You already know about my home life and the need to escape the abuse. I also was tired of being told what to do, where to go, what to wear, who to talk to, when to sleep, and what time to wake up. It was like living in a concentration camp.”
“So you joined the Marine Corps?” Les broke out into a loud laugh at the irony.
“Put a plug in it. Yeah, I still have to deal with all that crap, but at least I get paid for it. Plus, I get to hang out with the two bestest men in the whole wide world.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere, little girl. Are either of you up for some night diving?” Ray asked.
***
Two weeks later, Les’ birthday came, and we celebrated again as a family by going skydiving. Allow me to rephrase that—the men dove, I cheered them on and met them on the ground. I had never seen Les look so bright and alive as he did that day. Ray took us to dinner at a real Mongolian BBQ and taught us how to build our meals and then gave Les a gorgeous diving watch as a gift. I thought my friend was going to cry. Life couldn’t have been more perfect, and I couldn’t have been happier. It finally felt as though I had hope for a future.
Chapter 9
“Settle down; I already said we would go to the opal market if we have time.”
“The beaches too, right? They are supposed to be gorgeous,” I begged.
“We are there to work, not to play,” Les grumbled under his breath. He had been acting so strange since he returned from Detroit. All I knew was that he went to the States on emergency leave and returned to Okinawa with an announcement that he was engaged. He also had received orders to transfer in six weeks and, thanks to Ray, landed a prime position in the pistol and rifle competition squad. He didn’t seem too happy about it.
“Why are you acting like such a butthead?” I asked.
“I’m not any different than usual.”
“You’re full of it. Is it because you’re going to miss us and all this?”
He snapped. “Why in the fucking hell would I miss being around someone like you? All I do is babysit. I can’t go out and do anything anymore. I’m going from one ball and chain to another!”
“Whoa,” Ray intercepted. “Back off, son. If you don’t want to get married, then don’t.”
“She’s knocked up.”
By then, I was pissed. “It’s obviously not even yours! You haven’t been back to the States in a year and were only on leave for two weeks. You’re not that stupid to believe you did it, are you? If she’s pregnant, then the bitch cheated on you.”
He looked like he wanted to hurt me. I mean, seriously wanted to hurt me. The last time I felt fear like that was when my biological father came after me with his fist raised. “Shut your damn fucking mouth.”
“Les, calm down, please,” Ray said soothingly. “She has a point. Tell us what’s going on.”
“It’s none of either of your business.”
“I thought we were family.” I crossed my arms and looked out the window of the plane. “I don’t know what you see in her. She’s ugly as fuck and as dumb as a bag of rice.”
“Breanna!”
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. She looks like a cross between that dude who p
layed the vampire in the black and white movie and Skeletor from the old cartoons that they play here. Les said himself that she had a third-grade education and is illiterate.” I fought back tears as I defended myself. “He never talks about her, hides the one picture he has of her that she sent him, and is now calling her a ball and chain. As for babysitting me, I don’t need you.”
“I never asked for you. You were pushed at me.”
“Enough, you two. Les? Let’s go in the back and have a chat. Breanna, stay here.”
“Fine.” I crossed my arms.
“Pardon?”
It wasn’t Ray who I was angry with, and I had to remember that. “Yes, Sir.”
They didn’t return to our seats until before we were ready to land. I kept my eyes to the ground, not paying any attention to the sights or sounds around me. Les’ words had thrown me into a funk and sucked the excitement right out of my system. We were shuttled to the hotel where the conference was going to be held, and I ignored all of Ray’s typical ‘look at that’ comments as we drove by. The atmosphere inside the vehicle was as cold as ice, and I felt pure hatred being projected by the young man who I thought had become my friend. I didn’t understand what had happened between the time he left for his vacation and now that had caused the change in the playful warmth we had shared, but it affected me deeply.
I gladly agreed to Ray’s suggestion that I remain in my hotel room while he and Les attended the conference. Staring out through the window, I looked over the congested city. I had no desire to go out into the chaos, although the colors that reflected back were intriguing. Bangkok reminded me of a giant box of non-related items that someone tried to fit into one space. I could understand how people who enjoy urban environments would like the city, but it terrified me. I would rather go to the beach and sit on the sand where it was peaceful and quiet. I started to stew, wondering why Ray even brought me along in the first place. There was plenty of work to keep me busy back in Okinawa. It was probably because he didn’t trust me to stay out of trouble.