by Jenni Moen
She was a beautiful woman, but that wasn’t what had sparked my interest and held me to that chair. I’d walked past thousands of beautiful women in my life without a second thought. She’d been different though. There’d been a light in her warm eyes that made her shine brighter than most. I’d reacted differently than I ever had before.
At some point, she’d looked up and her eyes had met mine. She’d smiled warmly, probably not even realizing that I’d been observing her for a while. Her expression was kind, but it had made me realize that my actions were completely inappropriate, considering the collar around my neck and the ring on her finger. I’d smiled in response and quickly looked away. I’d untied the dog and wandered away, knowing in a town this size I’d see her again. I hadn’t realized how soon that would be.
Several hours later, I was performing the same exercise at the church, wandering the halls as the school dismissed and meeting the parents picking up their children. My hope was that I’d recognize a few faces when I conducted my first mass the following Wednesday night.
I’d turned another corner, and there’d she’d been again talking with a small group of moms. A small girl darted up and tugged on her hand. She immediately dismissed her conversation and squatted down to her level. She’d thrust her shoe out at her, and she laughed as she tied it for her. Afterwards, she flung her arms around her neck and said, “Thank you, Mommy.”
“God, I can’t wait for kindergarten when they learn to tie their own shoes,” the blonde woman next to her had said. Her voice had conveyed her annoyance at having their conversation interrupted. “Some days it seems like all I do is tie Autumn’s shoes.”
The woman from the coffee shop acted as if she hadn’t even heard her friend. “You’re welcome, Isabelle.”
“I want to learn how to tie my own shoes,” the girl whispered to her mother. Obviously, she’d heard the other woman.
“I’ll teach you,” she’d said with a conspiratorial wink. “But I will never grow tired of tying your shoes for you.” She’d pulled on the little girl’s ponytail playfully as she stood.
Later, I learned that the blonde’s name was Arden and the brunette’s was Grace. When I had gotten to know them better, I had come to the decision that they couldn’t have been more perfectly named. They were best friends; yet, they were so completely opposite from one another. Arden was flashy and pretentious and, unlike Grace, always putting on a show. Every word out of her mouth was orchestrated to fulfill her own selfish purposes. Grace, on the other hand, was quieter and gave way more to people than she took.
Now, I was exhausted after spending the last two hours ministering to what was left of Grace’s family. I’d delivered her last mass, and I had no choice but to do it as if I weren’t falling apart. It was what was required of me. It was my job. But as they lowered her into the ground, I’d felt like my heart was being ripped out and buried with her.
I picked up my phone and dialed. Russell was expecting my call and answered on the second ring. With none of the usual formalities, I launched into the conversation we’d started days ago. “Without a doubt, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” I said into the phone. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that my heart is not divided and that I’m not in violation of what we stand for.”
“Do you want me to come?”
I sighed. “No.” I’d been a burden on Russell for the majority of my life. “I’ll be all right. I’ll figure it out.”
“But why do it alone? I’m coming. I’ll let you know when I have flight information.”
“Thank you,” I said, conceding that I wanted him here.
“I’m always here for you, son,” he said, hanging up.
I felt better just knowing that he was on his way. I turned to Chubs who was sitting by the door. His long thick tail thumped against the floor. “All right, boy. You’ve been patient enough. Just let me change first.”
When we got to the nearly deserted dog park, I unhooked Chubs’ leash to let him run. Or more likely, sit. I turned toward where I knew I would find a bench.
Even though I’d seen her just a few hours before and even exchanged a few words with her after the service, I paled at the sight of her. I’d made every effort not to stare at her at the funeral. However, now that she was staring at the ground in front of her, her mind somewhere other than the Merriville dog park, I gawked at her. Much like I’d gawked at Grace the first time I’d seen her.
The resemblance between them was so uncanny that I didn’t know if I would ever get used to it. They shared the same skin tone, long dark hair, and wide brown eyes, and they seemed so close in age that I’d first wondered if they were twins. However, now that I could really study her, there were subtle distinctions that set the two apart.
Kate’s face was more heart-shaped than her sister’s, and her cheek bones were less defined. Her nose was finer and she wore her hair a bit longer, in a sleeker more sophisticated style than Grace, who’d often let the natural wave in her hair run free.
Whereas Grace was as innocent and quiet as the small-town in which she lived, Kate was bolder. More intense. Something told me that she lived her life that way as well.
I wanted to live my life like that.
When her gaze unexpectedly pulled upward and she met my stare, she looked like a woman on a mission. There was a confidence about her, as if she were unapologetically comfortable with whom she was. I could tell that she was used to getting what she wanted.
Having been caught watching her, there was no way I could avoid her now, so I made my way across the mostly vacant dog park to where she sat.
“Father. Though I have to say,” she said, nodding at my jean-clad legs and Boston Red Sox t-shirt, “you don’t really look like one.”
I was wearing street clothes rather than my usual clerics. It was something I rarely did around town. However, considering the revelations I’d had this week, I sincerely doubted that I would ever put them back on again. My life was in flux again. Though I’d made no decisions, change was imminent. I could feel it in the air around me.
“How are you guys doing?” I asked, ignoring her commentary on my choice of outfits.
“As expected, I suppose. Some of us are taking it harder than others.”
“Everyone grieves differently. There’s no right or wrong way.”
“What about you?” she asked, her intense eyes daring me to answer honestly. “I understand you and Grace worked together at the kitchen.”
I swallowed hard and tried to maintain my composure. A certain level of sorrow could be expected from a priest who’d lost a parishioner. That was especially true in my case since I’d worked so closely with Grace at Karen’s Kitchen. However, the intense heartache I felt over losing her was entirely inappropriate.
Knowing I would give myself away, I deflected the question. “The better question is how is she?” I said pointing in the direction of the water fountain.
As if I’d called her, the girl turned and faced me. As she ran towards me, my heart broke yet again. I was surrounded by familiar faces, but none of them were the one I wanted so desperately to see.
A rotund bulldog chased after her with more speed than I thought possible for its size. “Father Paul,” she said breathlessly. She leaned over and put her elbows on her knees to catch her breath. Unlike her aunt who was still wearing the black dress she’d worn to the funeral, Isabelle had changed into shorts and a t-shirt.
“Hi there, Isabelle. That’s a very cool dog that you have.”
She nodded and eyed my equally out of shape basset hound. “He’s pretty cool, too.” Happy to be receiving the attention of a pretty girl, my dog moved to her side and raised a paw to beg for a scratch. A small smile played on Isabelle’s lips.
“He wants you to scratch between his ears.” Still bent over, she obliged, and Chubs’ tail thumped wildly against the ground, which was still slightly damp from the unexpected rain shower we’d had earlier.
She stood a
gain, slipped something into her pocket, and fished out a bag of treats. “Watch this, Father Paul.” She tossed a milk-bone into the air above the squatty beast of a dog who opened her wide jaws and snagged it perfectly from the air.
“That’s quite a trick,” I said.
“Aurora is awesome,” the little girl said. “We bought her for my grandpa when my grandma died.” A dark cloud passed over her eyes.
“She is awesome,” I said quickly while bending to scratch Aurora’s head. Before I could, she flopped onto her back, exposing her belly to me. “Is she named after the Greek Goddess or the lights?” I asked.
“Huh?” Isabelle asked in confusion.
Kate answered for her. “Her full name is Princess Aurora.”
“Does she sleep a lot?” I asked Isabelle while continuing to scratch the dog’s stomach.
Aurora snorted in appreciation and Isabelle smiled. “Yes. Last night, they let her sleep with me.”
“I bet she’s a great cuddler. You know, your grandpa probably needs your help taking care of her. He’s going to need you to walk her and feed her and give her baths. You think you’re going to be able to help him out with all of that?” I pointed at the dog lying on her back at my feet.
“I think so.”
“Hey, Isabelle,” Kate said. “Why don’t you take the dogs over to the fountain for a drink? It looks like they could use it.”
Isabelle nodded and pulled the black shiny object out of her pocket again. She walked away from us with it tucked in one hand. The other hand patted her legs as she coaxed the dogs to follow her.
“What’s that in her hand?” I asked.
“Jonathan’s phone. It’s the only thing that made it through the fire. Well, the phone and her.” She said, nodding to the little girl who was trying to teach Chubs to catch treats out of the air. “My dad and I consider her to be a walking miracle though we know it wasn’t a miracle at all.”
I nodded, feeling the lump in my throat grow again. The fire’s devastation had been total. The house had been entirely ravaged by flames before the fire department had ever pulled onto the street.
Neighbors scurrying frantically around the house knowing that a family was inside had found Isabelle huddled in the elevated fort of her swing set. She’d been waiting there for her mom and dad because that’s where they told her they would meet her in case of an emergency. It was too close to the house to be safe so the man from next door had carried a hysterical Isabelle away.
Isabelle was only six. She was far too young to really understand what had been happening around her. Certainly, she was too young to paint a complete picture of that night. However, from what they’d been able to get out of her, we knew that Grace had come to Isabelle’s room first. She’d shoved the phone in the little girl’s hand before leaning as far out of the window as she could and dropping her to the ground. Though Isabelle had been told to run to the next door neighbor’s house, she’d gone to the fort on her swing set to wait while her mom went back to check on her dad and brother.
“She carries it with her everywhere,” Kate said, pulling me back from my thoughts. I looked up to find her staring at me. Her expression intense as if she were trying to read me, and I couldn’t help but feel that she’d done exactly that.
I recognized something in her eyes. It was more than just a physical resemblance to Grace. She had that same warmth, that same light that I’d seen in Grace. “Carries what?”
“The phone. She doesn’t do anything without it. She would bathe with it if we hadn’t convinced her that it would ruin it.”
“It’s all she has of them.”
“I steal it when she’s sleeping.” I looked down at her, an odd look on my face. “I’ve been trying to get inside, but Jonathan put a passcode on it. I’ve tried everything I can think of – birthdays, anniversaries, names – but nothing has worked.”
“Is there something inside that you need?”
Kate’s expression frosted over. “I think so. I’ve been snooping around this week, and I’ve learned some things about Jonathan that don’t feel right. I have a feeling that there’s a whole lot more to learn. Since that phone and his computer at work are all I have, I’m determined to get inside of it.”
“Things?” I asked, dread growing in my stomach. Generally, I tried to see the best in people, but there’d always been something about Jonathan that I didn’t fully trust. Could it have been because I had feelings for his wife? Maybe. But when I was around them, I couldn’t help but notice the way he talked down to her and the way his eyes glossed over her as if he didn’t really see her at all. “I’ll help you in any way I can.”
“Watch this, Father Paul,” Isabelle said loudly from the middle of the park. A dog treat sailed through the air, and Chubs raised off his feet just enough to catch it. She giggled loudly. “He’s a fast learner.”
“That’s the first real laugh I’ve heard from her,” Kate said quietly as Isabelle ran back towards where we were sitting. There was an air of pride in her voice. I could see the love that she had for Isabelle.
“Maybe you can teach him some other tricks some time,” I said. “He doesn’t listen to a thing I tell him.”
The smile that lit up her face reminded me so much of her mother. It was a good reminder. The best kind of reminder. “Can I, Aunt Kate?”
“Absolutely,” she said, standing and tugging her slim black dress down with the palms of her hands. Standing next to me, I realized that she didn’t really look like Grace at all. Aside from the color of their hair, they were very different.
“Good. Because I think we need to set them up for another playdate.” I tore my eyes from Kate to find a wide-eyed Isabelle watching Chubs licking Aurora’s face. “I think Princess Aurora has a boyfriend.”
“You think so?” she said, chuckling.
“Uh huh. Just look at them!”
“Well, I guess we’ll have to meet up again then. Who am I to stand in the way of true doggy love?”
We began walking towards the parking lot, and Isabelle grabbed my hand. “Hey, Father Paul. Aunt Kate is taking me to a new burger restaurant for dinner. She says it’s going to be epic. Wanna come with us?” Despite everything the little girl had been through this week, her eyes were full of hope.
When I’d first seen them at the park, I’d thought that being near them would be impossibly hard. That they would be nothing but a sad reminder of the beautiful soul we’d buried today. But it was already getting easier.
When you lose someone you love, there’s nothing more comforting than being around other people who loved them just as much, if not more, than you did.
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” I said, squeezing her hand.
EPILOGUE
Kate
I opened the back door of my very practical SUV to let Aurora and Isabelle out of the car. The two poured out of the backseat, each equally excited to be here.
I started following them to the playground but stopped when Isabelle ran to the swings where a familiar little boy was being pushed by his slightly older sister. The two welcomed Isabelle as if no time had passed, as if they still played together every day. True, they still saw each other at school, but I hadn’t made any effort to let them see each other outside of school. I’d tried to make sure that Isabelle’s life was as close to normal as it could be, but there was no way that I could make nice with that woman after everything she’d done.
It hadn’t been easy. It had taken me a few months, but eventually I’d pieced it all together. Jonathan’s affair with Arden had been just the beginning. Their lying and scheming had no bounds. The only consolation I had was that my sister had never known. If she had known how long it had gone on, if she’d known that Jackson was really Jonathan’s son, I think it might have broken her. But then again, maybe it wouldn’t have. I’d always thought she was stronger than she gave herself credit for being.
I searched the benches scattered throughout the park and found her sittin
g in the shade near a water fountain. I’d made no attempt to seek her out, but that didn’t mean that I hadn’t been looking forward to this moment.
It was wrong to feel a little gleeful about what I was about to do – Paul would probably disapprove – but I couldn’t help myself, and I knew he would forgive me.
I returned to my car and retrieved the box from the glove compartment. I’d put it in the car a few weeks ago, knowing that in this small town, the opportunity would eventually present itself.
Today was that day.
Without saying a word, I took a seat on the other end of the bench with the box resting conspicuously on my lap. Arden didn’t speak though the slight raise of her eyebrows told me that she knew I was there.
I wondered what was going through her head. She’d never responded to my text from Jonathan’s phone, but I imagined that she was thinking about it now.
“It’s wonderful to see them play together, isn’t it?” I asked, careful to make sure that my voice didn’t travel far enough for anyone other than Arden to hear it. I certainly didn’t want Isabelle to hear this conversation.
“It is.” Her voice was equally quiet. However, there was an edge to it, and I hoped it was because my presence here made her uncomfortable.
Jackson ran over. Panting he asked, “How long until Daddy comes to get us, Momma?”
“A few hours,” she said, ruffling his hair. “We’ll go home and pack in a few minutes.” Happy with that answer, he ran back to the playground and yelled to Autumn and Isabelle to follow him to the top of the slide.
“Such a sweet boy,” I said. “He must really love the weekends he spends with his father.” I stressed the last word. I’d never been one to shy away from an opportunity to be dramatic.
Her mouth turned down in a dismal frown. “He does.”
“Oh, my gosh.” I inwardly laughed at the effect that Paul and Isabelle had had on me over the past few months. My mouth was cleaner than it had been since sixth grade. Words like ‘gosh’ and ‘heck’ were now a regular occurrence. Paul’s presence in my life had been a calming one, and I was a happier person for it.