I have an allergic reaction to salt water, I finally texted. Is salt water allergy even a real thing?
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Yeah, it makes me all red and puffy, I added.
Great. Now I looked like a big nerd too. There should be an app that texts for you or at least prevents you from being incredibly awkward and off putting.
It’s a skin condition, I explained further even though any explanation would’ve been enough.
How long had it been since I had a first date? I couldn’t remember the last time I was single and in the dating pool. I was so young; it was just before college. I wasted all my years with Tom, and so now I have no experience. How do you flirt? Does he pay if he is my hooker? Do they have discount cards? I was already going to have to pay 200 dollars a night for a few days. This wedding was the lowest I would be. I should just call my mom and ask her if she would rather me come to the wedding with a hooker as my date or if she would rather me not go at all. Which would really be more embarrassing for her?
I entertained the idea of calling it all off again. I couldn’t stand the idea of everyone seeing me flounder. I didn’t want college to be when I piqued. I didn’t want to pique. I wanted to have a successful job, or just a job in general. I wanted to be able to walk into that reception and show everyone that I kept the boobs and butt but slimmed down my stomach. I wanted to wear a dress that gave Tom a boner and made him wonder why he ever dumped me. Who dumps a car crash victim? Losers who lose great girlfriends.
I felt sort of bad for hating Tom’s new fiancée. She might have been nice and maybe she didn’t mean to murder my heart. Maybe she didn’t know she was a home-wrecker until they were into each other. The thought made me sad. What didn’t I have that she had? Other than a job and a body. I had more time with him than her. That should have been enough to secure our relationship for life. I stopped feeling bad for her. She was the reason I was single. She was the reason I had to hire someone to go to her dumb wedding. I would be nice to her, but I would not like her. My mom couldn’t even make me do that.
Thinking about all this pushed me faster and farther on the elliptical. I was running at a very fast pace and my heart rate monitor was skyrocketing. Maybe I could do this every day. I did the math in my head. If I ran 5 miles every day I would lose about a pound each week. There wasn’t enough time to get me back to my start body, but it wasn’t too late to give some effort. I would have to eat healthy and go on a huge diet. This was going to be the turning point. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more asking for pity. I would go out there, find a job, a boyfriend, and I would get hot. This would be a new and improved April. Positive thoughts only.
So, how about lunch at one? Grant texted.
I waited and thought out my text before I replied to him. I switched to a weight machine and worked my abs. How many crunches would it take to get me a hot body by the time I have to go on this date?
It was currently 10 AM. I had enough time to finish this work out, spruce up, and get over to Santa Monica in time for a lunch date. I was glad I still had enough make up. I would have to contour the shit out of my face before I saw this man. I’m sure he already thought I was probably hideous. What 27-year-old needs to hire someone as a date? This 27-year-old. I flipped through a Cosmo as I waited for Travis to be done. I needed flirting and dating tips to really rub it in Tom’s face. He would fall for the facade of my new glamorous life. If I tried hard enough maybe I would too.
Sounds good, I finally texted back.
8
Grant
There is nothing I would like to do more than jump into that crystal blue water. It was calling my name. I missed this when I was away in Vegas. I wish I had more clients in California just for this sunshine and beach. I could happily be homeless living here.
I have to admit I was disappointed that April didn’t want to surf. I loved to surf, and it would be my favorite hobby if I could regularly do it. I had enough time here that I could get some surfing in, but not as much as I liked. It’s never enough for me. When I was at USC I would spend all of my free time on the waves. There was a simple pleasure about feeling the wake on your board. The smell of the water was divine. Riding a wave would take me out of my element. It almost didn’t matter if I stayed on the board or not, to be tossed in was still just as fun. It was a marvel to see the inside of a wave breaking. It sent a rush through me like no other.
It was hard to experience adrenaline like that now. When I was out working I was always feeling a little guilty towards my parents, thinking they wasted their money on a failure as a kid. When I was away from work I was actually a little lonely. Hobbies like surfing would keep that off my mind. I would cure it if I could, but very few respectable women want to be serious with someone who is an escort full time. I tried not to think about it. I had plenty of company from both clients and friends. Sometimes people just yearn for a little more than that. I’ve been feeling that yearning a lot recently.
I pushed it out of my head. It was no use thinking about. April wasn’t very familiar with coffee shops in the area, so I chose one that I knew catered to my diet. I had to eat light today since I was taking someone to an awards show tonight. I’m not disclosed to say who, but she recently got out of a relationship.
She wasn’t ready to start dating again, even though she is attractive and friendly and could have had anyone. I was glad she chose to do business with me. It isn’t a totally radical idea for someone wanting to use my services just for dating. Odds were, though, that it ended with something a little more than just a kiss goodbye. Having known this client for enough time before, I would say that my chances of getting lucky tonight were high. If I were in Vegas I would raise the bet. Luckily for me there is no opponents, only a dealer. Either way I was leaving with a heavier pocket.
When April walked in I was a little surprised. She had told me that she would be wearing a black maxi dress, one of the most popular items on the beach today, but I knew this was her. She had a sun hat and sunglasses that she took off when she stepped in. Something told me about the way she carried herself she wasn’t very confident. I had no idea why. A curvy girl like that could get tail around her any night. I would even sleep with her for free. I pretty much was. I waved to her and she came and sat across from me. She took very elegant strides when she walked. Travis had told me her family was stuck up, I was only hoping that she wasn’t. With the way she walked with a classy step, something told me she might be.
“Hi.” Maybe I was wrong, though.
“Let me get your chair for you.” I stood up and pulled out the seat. I was in the business of wooing women, but something about this girl was wooing me. I almost wished we had said dinner instead of lunch. Even just drinks would have been better. Her pearly whites beamed. I’m sure the allure of being around someone my own age was all that this attraction was, but it was real. My primal instincts were yelling, telling me that her eggs were still fertile. My silly balls and their desire to have a baby against my will.
“Thank you.” She sipped her water and refused to make eye contact. I could understand that. Meeting a date for a first time was hard enough. I had grown too used to this business, and I could tell I was probably going to do most of the talking. Surfing was still on my mind.
“It’s too bad we couldn’t enjoy the ocean. You should really get a medicine or something. Today’s weather would have been perfect.” She coughed while swallowing her water. Did I say something wrong?
“Yeah, sorry about that. We can sit outside if you want.”
“No, we can just walk later. Maybe grab a drink.” The waitress brought our coffees and I was eating my words.
“Okay. So should we talk terms?” She pulled out a notebook and wrote “Wedding Business” at the top of the page. She made a list called “Expenses” and wrote my name down.
“It will be $200 a night. Sex will be extra.” She wrote that down and kept her eyes on the page.
“That won’
t be a problem.” She wrote down another checklist for a dress and shoes.
“We will just see about that.” I said that, mostly joking. But who was to stop me from coming on to her. If I had to act the part, I could do a very convincing job. It might even help convince her family. She stopped writing and put her pen on the table.
“No we won’t. There will be no sex. There will be no extra charges.”
“Okay.” This was starting to be one of my less comfortable meetings. I felt a bit flustered in her presence. I wasn’t sure why. Her self conscious manner was rubbing off on me. “Should we order?”
“Sure. I’ll have a chicken Caesar salad. Ranch dressing.”
“I’ll have the same, hold the dressing.” I took a drink of my water and waited for my coffee to cool. She picked her pen back up and started writing her lists again.
“I’ve never met a straight man who eats salad.”
“I have to go to an awards show tonight. I can’t really afford to eat anything else. I am on a very strict diet for these kinds of things.”
“That sounds really glamorous.” There was an element of surprise in her voice.
“Yeah, I’m going with an actress. You aren’t the first person to hire me as a date. It’s actually not that uncommon, so you shouldn’t feel too bad.”
“What makes you think I feel bad?” This girl was very on edge.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume anything. Travis just told me that times were tough recently.” Her face went from harsh to soft and she finally met eyes with me. Her irises were gorgeous. There were small spirals of several different colors. They were green with a ring of bright brown that was almost orange. I had to catch my breath. If it weren’t for her sour attitude, I might have complimented them.
“No, you’re right. I’m sorry.” She started drinking her coffee. “This is just really nerve wrecking and not how I wanted to go back to see… My friend.”
“I understand.” We sat for a while, not saying much. There was a bit of a wait since we arrived at the prime lunch time. “So what do you do in your free time? What should I know about you? How can I be a realistic date?”
“Oh, yes, good idea.” She ripped a page out of her notebook and handed it to me. This girl was very type A personality. “You need to read this. It has a low down on what you should know about me. My family doesn’t know that you’re a hooker –“
“Escort.”
“Escort, sorry. They are already ashamed of me as it is. No offense. I don’t think them knowing would help any.”
“Don’t worry about that. I know all about disappointing your parents.”
“Then we already have a lot in common.” This woman was funny, without always meaning to be. I wanted to see her again. It was probably just my hormones going crazy along with my desire to surf. I had a lot of nostalgia for the beach, and it could make these things complicated and awkward if I did too much associating. I just had to remind myself that it was just business and that at least I wouldn’t leave empty handed.
The waitress brought our salads out and I read over the list. “So where are we going?”
“I wrote that stuff on the back. I will pick you up at the airport in Santa Barbra around one on Friday. The engagement party is on Saturday. There is a list of the types of clothes you should bring.”
I laughed and she looked surprised. “Sorry, I just figured you would assume I know what to wear to a wedding.” She smiled back and started picking at her salad.
“Sorry. I’m just a bit obsessive. I have some nervous tendencies. I don’t want a single thing to go wrong this weekend. I hardly want to be there at all.”
“That’s an expensive date just to keep up with appearances.”
“I’m doing it mostly for my mother, and believe me, I know.” She ate more of her salad before continuing. “So do you do checks or just cash?”
“I actually have an app for all this. It’s pretty simple. I also have a contract I need you to sign.” She seemed relieved that there were official papers. She struck me as rather odd and very nervous. I could tell that she wasn’t used to meeting strangers. “Whose wedding is this?”
“My ex-fiancé’s.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.” She stopped eating her food after that and stuck with the coffee and the water.
“Don’t worry. We will stick it in his face.” I was trying to comfort her. I wasn’t that good at emotionally comforting women. I mostly just did the physical stuff. “Once he sees that you have a hot boyfriend he will regret giving you up.”
“Fake boyfriend.”
“Right.”
“But we have to make it look real.”
“I understand.”
“If they know that I hired you…” She started repeating herself. “Then I will be dead to the world.”
“We wouldn’t want that.”
She went back to eating and I ate my salad too. I could see her frequently check around the restaurant to make sure that she didn’t know anyone there. The only way to get figured out that you are with an escort is to act like you don’t want to be seen with one.
“What else should I know? You don’t have your job on this list.”
“That is an excellent question.” She ordered a glass of wine. I ordered one for myself as well. “I don’t have a job.” She started laughing at herself. She was a little crazy, but I like that about her. Quirks could be good. It would take a lot of the attention away from me this weekend.
“So your parents don’t know they are paying for me? That’s a little naughty.”
She laughed again and almost swallowed all her wine. “They shouldn’t have forced me to go to the wedding if they didn’t want their girl to turn to the streets. It’s their own fault.”
I decided to pay our bill. It was obvious she already had enough on her plate, and maybe it would make up for me offending her earlier. She left and I was able to ride some waves. I liked the way my hair felt after the salt water soaked it. While I was surfing I couldn’t keep my mind off of her and her peculiar habits. It was obvious she was suffering from some body hate. Maybe a little get away with an experienced man like me was all she needed.
9
Grant
I wasn’t expecting a limo or anything to pick me up, but I found it comical to see April pull around in an old Dodge Neon. It was black and the perfect car for someone like her. You could tell she adored that thing by the way it had seat covers and a steering wheel cover too. She fidgeted a lot, fixing her make up in the mirror. She scraped the smudged parts away, the ones that were too microscopic for my eyes. I could see heavy bags under her eyes. It was clear to me she didn’t get much sleep the night before. April was probably worried the whole time. This would either be a great weekend for both of us or it would be a horrible one.
I feel like the polar opposite of this girl. While I am organized and well groomed, she cares a lot more about her parents’ approval than I ever pretended to. With the way she picked at her nails I could tell she was anxious to see them. Or maybe she was anxious to see Tom. I bet this whole weekend was going to make her go from crazy to a basket case. She hummed along with the radio and told me to put my luggage in the back with hers. All her suitcases were miss matched, and each seemed to be from a different era. I wasn’t sure how long we were staying there, but with the amount she had packed it looked like an eternity. This wasn’t uncommon for women. This really wasn’t uncommon for women who were trying to say “fuck you” to someone.
“So are we moving to Santa Barbra after the wedding?” I joked.
She looked confused, gazing back and forth between me and her luggage.
“What do you mean?” She asked, cautiously.
“You just have a lot packed.”
“Oh. Yeah, I know. Sorry. I never know what to wear to weddings.” Maybe that is why she assumed I didn’t know what to bring. I snickered to myself and she seemed a bit uncomfortable.
“You’re fine. I’ve
had clients who have brought more for less.”
“This is a weird request. Could you stop bringing up your old clients as of now? It makes me feel weird.”
“Yeah, sorry. I wasn’t going to do it in front of your family or anything.”
“No, it’s for me too. I don’t want to be part of the type that is referred to as a client.”
“Suit yourself.” She pulled out onto the highway and we were off. The car was a stick shift, and as I saw her changing gears I noticed that she was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. She really didn’t know what to wear to these events, but I never thought she was the laid back type.
“You’re dressed pretty casually.” I said. She took note of my suit and remarked back. She was one of the few women I knew that still wore make up when wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. I wasn’t complaining. She looked comfortable, and I was a little envious. I was also too professional to wear those clothes to attend to a client. Everything I wore was business professional. I took myself very seriously, even if my parents didn’t. It was about pride more than about image. I needed people to know that I did this job as a way to make myself happy, not as a way to make money. This woman had me feeling a little funny, though. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, it just made me feel strange and nervous like most clients don’t. I guess that probably was an age thing, as well. I didn’t have much experience with serious dating, and having to act like I did this weekend was going to be a bit of a difference for me. Shouldn’t be too hard to handle, though.
“And you seem a bit over dressed.”
“I always dress to impress. If you don’t want to be seen with me, I have to make it so there is nothing to complain about.” That wasn’t true. I normally dressed nice for clients, but I wasn’t going to say that again. When I said that I could tell she was more embarrassed than annoyed. I felt bad. Normally people took my snide remarks as jokes. I saw she was internalizing it. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I’ve just had a rough day.”
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