by Hazel Keys
“This isn’t right.”
“No, this isn’t. It’s terrible. Horrible. Cruel and completely inappropriate.”
And just like that, like THAT, the dummy reached out and kissed me.
I was caught off guard. It felt surreal. Such a good hot kiss and so unapologetic—like he had been waiting for years to do it. He was a really good kisser, even though I did not kiss him back for at least…six seconds. I admit, I wanted to just do nothing and scare him away…but his lips were so good, his grip was so good, and his desire was just glowing.
I figured I might as well kiss him back, just to entertain him, just to let his curiosity down easily.
But I was stunned to find out that I really wanted him. It had been so long since a man kissed me that way, so long since I felt a firm embrace around my body, pulling me in—desiring me. It felt wrong, it felt greedy and almost sinful. Like I was taking advantage of someone or lusting after them.
Oh God and the way he touched my neck when he kissed me, so starved for my attention, so eager to please—so raw with his emotion. After a few moments, I simply had to stop thinking. It was time to stop rationalizing, time to stop reminding myself what the right thing to do was.
It was just time to feel. I kissed him back and this time we went back and forth until I was breathless. Seconds turned into minutes…full minutes of kissing, making sweet love with our lips.
What are we doing?
That had to be the thought in both of our minds at that moment. I closed my eyes for the first few minutes…when I opened him, he had the most confident eyes I’ve ever seen, even compared to my other boyfriends. I looked shy—I was shy. But he was on fire. He looked at me, into my soul, and kissed me again. His eyes locked with mine and we felt something—something new. Something dangerous.
I didn’t know who he was at that moment. Where was I? What were we now?
Just as I was starting to ask all these questions, our tongues began to touch. Without thinking, I gave him my tongue and took his into my mouth.
Now was usually the part where I giggled when I was being intimate with my date. But this time, it was so intense. It was wrong. It was a risk. Everything was out of place and nothing was predictable anymore, ever again.
Our tongues touched each other and our kisses grew hotter. I almost gasped, embarrassingly loud, when David began lowering his kisses and gently lip-caressing my neck. I had to stifle my excitement, not wanting to be so…over the top! But I felt passion and was ashamed. I didn’t want to have to explain this, defend this…
I groaned aloud, this time quietly, when he began kissing my shoulders. I felt a flutter in my stomach, an almost sickly urge that came from nerves. I was excited but trying in vain to resist.
I wanted to say something—anything. Maybe even a firm NO, like I should have done minutes ago. But all I could say was…
“Aaaahhh…” a big throaty groan as he began kissing my chest, right in the sensitive spot inside my cleavage. God, I didn’t even wear anything sexy—just a black blouse I threw on but he found my breasts quickly, didn’t he? So horny for me…so bad…so unlike the man I thought I knew.
Existential questions flooded me at that moment, wondering how, why, where this was coming from?
“Oh God!” I moaned, as he began unbuttoning my blouse and serenading my skin with gentle kisses, light pecks and tingling sucks.
“I want you,” he whispered taking my blouse off and gazing at my grey bra. I threw it on, my skirt, shirt—everything! I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t know this was a…date! I thought this was just a meeting, just a talk. And here he was, my best friend, kissing my breasts and putting his hand on me.
My chest was on fire and his hands were lingering on my side, on my shoulders, my arms—all over me where he wasn’t supposed to touch. But I couldn’t say no.
My heart was racing and my voice was cracking from excitement. I felt self-conscious, ashamed, and yet my selfish desires wanted more. Wanted him to please me…I was longing for him. I couldn’t say no.
It took everything in me to finally wake up and come to my senses. I put my shirt back on and cried, almost fighting off a pre-orgasmic shudder…
“WE HAVE TO STOP!”
He listened and backed away. I was just as guilty as he was, wanting more, letting him do obscene, terrible, and very naughty things. God, I could barely look him in the face. I was blushing and flinching. He was also shocked.
We couldn’t even think of a word to say.
“Friends?! Friends?!”
“Sorry.”
“I have to get home,” I said, quickly standing up and tucking my clothes back in. “You’re drunk!”
“Actually…I don’t feel it anymore. The alcohol wore off.”
He stared at me. I waited for another comment. He was speechless too. He wanted to say something. I wanted to say something. Nothing came out. It was this erotically charged, awkward silence where the longer we waited to say something…the less we were able to think of. All I knew is that I had to get home! Get away from him!
Before…before…
Yeah.
We didn’t really say anything after that. I saw myself out and shook my head in agony all the way home. Oh God, what I showed him. What I let him do to me. This was wrong. So wrong.
And yet…it’s all I could think about. Maybe…it was all I’ve been thinking about for a long time.
Chapter 9:David
I haven’t heard from Amelia in a while. Not since our out of nowhere make out session that felt like a hurricane…but in a very hot and humid and clothes flying off sort of way!
I won’t lie…I felt a little dirty for it, but it was the most erotic moment of my life. Undressing my friend, making out with a woman who was marked as “off limits” for so long.
And I know she wouldn’t agree, but I honestly had no idea that was going to happen. Sure, I knew I wanted to talk to her and in my imagination, I was imagining some sort of kiss or handholding. But we went from zero to sixty miles per hour in a hurry. Just thinking about the way she looked…her naturally big breasts and my lips exploring her body…and the way she breathed in little excited sighs.
It was more than I anticipated. She was everything I wanted in a woman. If there was ever any doubt in my mind, it was eradicated that night—that amazing night.
But I fear I’ve done the unthinkable. Amelia’s panic has caused her to avoid me. Maybe she feels ashamed. Or thinks I took advantage of her.
Or…I don’t know. But since she hasn’t spoken to me or returned my call, I can only assume she’s infuriated.
Probably because she liked it, but can’t admit it to herself. Could I admit it to myself? Was I ready for Amelia? Was this a childhood fantasy or was I really in love? I knew what I felt, I felt it in my mind and heart. But her doubts did challenge me. Did I ever feel like this towards Crystal and maybe the thrill just wore off?
I took the hint and decided to go away for a while. Crystal still wasn’t talking to me so I took a long drive south. I stayed in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and took my time walking through the woods, seeing the small businesses of a small town, and making small talk with people I would probably never see again.
Maybe I needed my soul repaired. Maybe I needed to repent for the way I treated Amelia. Maybe I was in the wrong.
No, I thought to myself.I’m tired of apologizing for the way I feel, for the way I always felt. I’ve never not been in love with Amelia. I’ve never grown tired of desiring her, desiring her friendship, her love, her lust, her entire being. Maybe we’re all allowed to do something selfish in our lives. Maybe one thing, and this is it. This is what I want. This is what I want most of all.
What I found out was that for every grand romantic gesture that a person feels in life, someone else has to suffer in that moment. Breaking someone’s heart never feels right, you never forget it or forgive yourself for it.
When I told Crystal what I decided, I didn’t do it for
me, or to be honest or other motivation…except that I just knew she deserved better. She didn’t deserve to be treated this way and I had to tell her such.
“I’m sorry,” I told her over a very expensive dinner at Olive Garden. She did drink a lot of wine and ordered four dishes which she never finished—probably out of spite. Oh well. “I wish I could have seen this coming. My heart is stupid. My mind is immature. My…”
“Your dick is out of control.”
“Well that goes without saying.”
By now Crystal was over the shouting and the crying—although she made it clear she never cried over losing me, at least not where I could see her.
“You are an asshole, David Brown,” she said with a cocky attitude. “But I’ve decided to let you move on.”
“Really?”
“Yes, because I think you’re going to find that someone like Amelia is not going to make you happy. Guys like you, you think you can just find your true love every thirty seconds. You never take the time to appreciate a woman’s uniqueness.”
I wasn’t about to argue with the woman who was finally letting me go on benevolent terms and surprisingly without throwing any breadsticks, or breaking any glasses or singing to the ceiling about what a dick I was. All in all, it was a fairly quiet affair.
“I think you’re going to be sorry you lost me.”
“Jesus, Crystal,” I said, always a bit too honest. “I’m doing this because I respect you. If I were a selfish man, I would want you and her. I would be a louse, a cheat and a sneak. But I won’t do that to someone who deserves my utmost respect. I don’t regret our time together. It was everything I thought I wanted. But in the end, you just deserve better than me. And you know you do.”
“Yeah well,” she said with a cold shrug…but at least half a smile on her face. “Just so you know, I already got a few offers from some very big guys. Real athletes you know, not the ones that just sell vitamins. One’s a linebacker. The other’s a boxer. And the other…a Tantric Sex Guru.”
I laughed heartily. “That is a hard deal to pass up.”
“But okay, here’s what I have to say to you,” she said finally looking me straight in the eye and losing her stare. “I’m glad you just told me rather than made me some kind of fool. I take my wedding day very seriously.”
“I know, Crystal. I would never do that to you.”
“I hope…” she said before a pause. “I hope Amelia appreciates you.”
“I hope so too. I’m going to miss you.”
“Oh yeah you will. You’ll be kicking yourself two years from now when Little Miss Perfect just lays there, and you realize that I was the one who gave you the best sex of your life!”
I laughed in surrender. I was just glad Crystal wasn’t kicking my ass. Let her have her bragging rights. I was just relieved to be honest again. Free to pursue the woman I wanted most of all, more than life itself!
And this is the part where I would go to Amelia and tell her how much I love her and she would say yes to my proposal and we’d live happily ever after.
Right?
Well no, ironically it didn’t happen that way…
Chapter 10:Amelia
I ran into Jake, David’s friend at the local jeweler. I was there to pick up some stones and Jake was paying for his crass necklace. I admit that I never thought highly of Jake and did meet him a few times when David was out and about with his other girlfriends.
“Hey gorgeous,” he said in that tough talking alpha male voice that gets me so…bored. I really hate those types of guys.
“Oh hey. Jake, was it?”
“Yeah, don’t forget that name. It’s worth money.”
“Ahh,” I said with a fake laugh. “Well, it was nice seeing you again. Sort of.”
“Hey wait up. I kind of wanted to talk to you.”
“I kinda sort of don’t.”
“You mad, bro? What’s wrong? Why are you so touchy, woman?”
“Actually, David and I are not talking at the moment. So you’re probably just guilty by association. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
“No hard feelings, babe”, he said with an unctuous smile.
“Actually, it’s not David. I just don’t like you.”
“What?! Oh now the truth comes out! Why don’t you like me, anyway?”
“I dunno. You remind me of a guy that bets on horse races. Just sleazy. Scummy.”
“Man, you are a tough broad, you know that?”
“Yeah I am. And why are you a man wearing a necklace anyway?” I said, noticing he was holding a rather flashy necklace in his hand. “Are you trying to bring the 1980s car dealer look back into fashion?”
He laughed. Should I feel bad about busting a guy’s chops so bad if he enjoys it?
“Hey,” he said with a pointing finger. “You asked if there were no hard feelings? There are now. In my pants.”
“Screw you,” I said with a sarcastic smile.
“Hey, for real,” he said touching my forearm and earning a scowl. “Why are you and David not talking? I heard he broke up with Crystal. You really mean to tell me after he went through all that shit, you’re still friend-zoning him? That’s cold, man.”
I sent him daggers and shook my head. “You know nothing about us. Our history.”
“Well I know you two have been friends forever, even before I knew him.”
“Well for your information, even though it’s none of your business, David is acting irrational. He needs to grow up before he pursues a relationship with anybody.”
Jake laughed boisterously. “Gimme a break. You know why he’s being irrational, Amelia. He’s in love with you. He’s been in love with you for like twenty years. He left a cheerleader for you.”
“I know.”
“I mean a really good cheerleader…” Jake said, wide eyed and making “boob” gestures to emphasize the point. “She was hot.”
“I’m sure she was.”
“Look, you know David is just weird about talking over his feelings. He says stupid things. He does stupid things. But how can you deny that he loves you?”
“I do love David,” I said cautiously. “I always will. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.”
“This is like the first time you’ve been single in a long time. You should give him a chance. Let him apologize, make it up to you.”
“I don’t know why I’m talking to you about this,” I said. “But for your information, I’ve already met someone else. David has to learn that his ‘whims’ are not what a loving relationship is built on.”
“What are you talking about?!”
“Look!” I shouted. “You obviously have only heard David’s side of everything. You DON’T know what happened in our history. You don’t. All you know is that we’ve been friends for a long time. That’s all. So what gives you the right to judge me?”
“Ah well, call me a sucker. I just like romance. I like love stories to end happy.”
“Yeah well,” I sneered back at him. “Not all love stories end happily ever after. Sometimes life is just cruel.”
Jake shrugged it off, by now figuring since I already disliked him, he had nothing to lose at this point.
“Hey Amelia, you can still give me a happy ending.”
“Go to Hell, smart-ass.”
I know Jake, David and all sorts of other jock guys will never understand. But there’s something very sacred about a woman’s trust and David violated my trust. When I finished things with Pete, I swore I would never be put in that position again. David did do things to me, he made me feel desire, of course he did. I’m not denying that.
But he put a very important friendship at risk and so brazenly. That’s why I backed off. And now, neither of us have anything anymore. We lost the friendship and the relationship. And that’s what people just don’t fucking get about turning friendship into romance. There’s too much at risk…and like that it’s all gone.
Chapter 11:David
I fou
nd out the name of Amelia’s new boyfriend. Victor. He sounds European, probably a big mustache, a round face, and wearing flannel suits and a top hat or something. Not sure why Victor looks like the Monopoly guy in my head, but it’s what I see at the moment. A billionaire celebrity, a man that she deserves.
I suppose her ideal man would be someone who didn’t care about timing—someone who just took what he wanted. Someone who didn’t care about his fiancée, or her boyfriend or have any sense of propriety—someone who just kisses first and thinks about it later.
Well, whatever. I’m not exactly sure why Amelia is mad, probably because in her logic, I broke some sacred trust. Some vow that I would never bed my best friend, because that would be wrong. Sure, suffering abuse, infidelity and psychoses from her other boyfriends—THAT was something forgivable, something human, something that just sucks but a girl can take it. But heaven forbid I actually follow my heart and make a move on the woman I’ve loved for the past twenty something years.
I threatened the friendship. That’s worse than everything else.
But no matter. I don’t regret breaking up with Crystal. It was the right thing to do, to set her free, so she could, you know, yell and scream at another guy who loves her to pieces. I regret that my experimentation with Amelia failed, but it’s one of those things where you just have to try. You just have to give it your all and be satisfied with the chase. The adventure. The romance, even if it’s partly in your head.
This is as good as life gets. Be happy, you idiot. Everybody gets what they want in the end, except you.
**
Last night, as I was feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self-pity, I must have dozed off heavily and entered a portal of subconscious thought. A channel to my own mind, my ageless mind, neither the past or present or future. No limits except my own wandering mind and endless stream of consciousness.
I know for a fact that during this dream I woke up in the future. I can’t say for sure if it was my certain future, as in a portent, or if it was just my modern frame of mind creating a hypothetical future.