by LoRee Peery
Aiden gently placed her hands in her lap. He stood, stared off in the distance, and jingled the keys in his pocket. Bitterness put a bite to his words. “I’d like to know where God was the day of my mother’s funeral. The day we buried her, my heart was as bleak as the sky. I was mad at my father. He never shed a tear. He never hugged me or my sister. I realized later he was comforted by his research assistant. He expected me to buck up and deal while he stayed in his office on campus late into the night.”
When he paused, Aiden’s loneliness clung to the air between them.
She knew all about being lonely. Nothing but pain existed when a person viewed hope as elusive, with no one to turn to here on earth. Beth stepped to his side, reached out to him. They walked hand in hand back to the cabin. She was just about to mention the dart gun in his tent, when he spoke with a low voice.
“He ignored me except for praising my good grades so I wouldn’t embarrass him.” He went on as though there’d been no interruption. “My father didn’t know those grades were for me. I couldn’t wait to leave home.”
Beth took over. “You called me strong. I still long for a light close by when I sleep. It gets really dark with so many trees around here. Every day I fight the fear of getting hurt.”
“Oh, yeah. The invisible bogeyman, or the monster pictured under the bed.” He used the words she had thought. “I had nightmares for a long time, couldn’t stand how dark it was for my mom in the ground.”
“I wish I’d been a Christian when I was young. Only the Lord can ease our fears, and I’m nowhere close to where I need to be when it comes to not being afraid.”
“Where do you think you’d be, or maybe I should say, what kind of person do you think you’d be if it weren’t for the abuse?”
“I’ve never dared go there in my imagination, Aiden. I came clean with you, but I don’t like to look back and think ‘what-if?’ kinds of details. I believe at some point a person has to face the past in order to put it in perspective, to live for a healthy future.”
They came to a stop at the corner of the cabin, where she sat on the edge of the porch, stretching her legs out in front. “I can barely remember being a little girl. There was a tree house…”
She let her voice trail, scanned the clearing around the cabin. If it was her place, she’d build a tree house here and revisit that little-girl longing. And invite Grace to play. “In order to have peace, you’ll have to make things up with your dad.”
“Eh. That’s not gonna happen. Right now, I haven’t a clue what life would be like, being pals with my father. Maybe I’d talk to him on a different level than I do now, rather than have all the garbage standing between us.” He played with the change in his pocket. “I can’t believe I’m baring my soul with you.”
She shrugged. “I think we’d both be different people, had we grown up under different circumstances. Who knows, you’d probably be working with wolves, and I’d still be married to my first husband. Eric is as decent as they come. But that obviously wasn’t God’s plan.”
Aiden released her hand and slanted his position so they faced one another. “All those last names. I told you I looked up Littlefield. Moselle’s name is Todd, now. So your friend married your ex-husband?”
“You guessed it. I wronged Moselle and Eric. They were my friends.”
Aiden picked up a stick and traced worm tracks in the mud. He motioned for her to continue and waited her out without speaking.
He was so quiet Beth fought the urge to leap to her feet and run off. “I’m ready to make the future as good as it can be. I’m still working on finding worth in the way Jesus sees me, rather than how worthless I felt at the hands of Barton Littlefield.” She blew a gust of air at the ground, and brought her focus back to his face. “I’ve got a long way to go. What about you? If you could change the past, what would it be?”
“My mother would still be alive. My father would have never gone to Alaska to live with wolves. And I would have never been left to deal with situations I needed parental guidance to handle.”
Beth asked, “You said you were a young teen when you lost your mom?”
“Thirteen. I’ve tried to detach my feelings, but this is a vivid memory. And to look at the grave and all the people standing there in the pouring rain as though it were a scene in a movie. It’s dark, so dark. The sky, the umbrellas, the black clothes. The hole in the ground.” He fisted his hands at his sides. Tension tightened his face. “All I wanted to do was pound something. Anything.”
Lord, please reach out to him, and heal Aiden’s pain.
He went far away, by the distant look on his face. She could picture the teenager. “My heart and life were broken in two. I wanted my mother around the day I graduated. I wanted to look up to my dad, have him stand by me. And, the bad things that happened to me in high school should have been someone else’s nightmare.”
She turned her gaze skyward and tracked the path of a dozen Canadian geese flying overhead. “Back in high school, we lived for ourselves and what others thought of us. I’m sorry you felt neglected by your father. High school kids are on the brink of adulthood, but teens live for, or against, what others think of them. The bottom line now, compared to what happened then to either one of us, doesn’t matter!”
Aiden sucked in air through his teeth and drew back.
“What does matter is the pain and suffering that Jesus went through, for you and for me.”
“It’s all fine and good that you can turn to your Jesus. But where was Jesus, or God for that matter, when I needed someone to come to my rescue?”
Bitterness and resentment must have a chokehold on him. Every facial feature turned stony. He sounded more Minnesotan than Beth had ever heard, but in a hard way, rather than humorous.
“I know all about anger. And I’ve come to realize that most guys have relationship issues with their fathers.” He was as stiff as the porch boards, but she faced him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and clung.
When she felt him hug her back, she said, “We are all imperfect. I’m sure your dad didn’t know how to reach out to you. I’m also sure that our heavenly Father never leaves us. The Bible even says He’s a Father to the fatherless.”
She felt him swallow. He released his hold and she turned to step onto the cabin porch. Beth loaded her arms with firewood and cried out, Lord, please reach Aiden. He needs You.
He rammed his hand in his pocket, and resumed rattling the change. “I needed my father. He wasn’t there when something happened that I’ve never talked about. I won’t talk about it, now. Except he’s the reason I refused to do any job as an adult similar to my dad’s.”
“Such as specializing in fish and wildlife instead of furbearing, because he was a wolf biologist?”
“At least I don’t need a tranq gun to move turtles or fish. Speaking of which, I need to have that gun on me, or we’ll never see the wolf to safety. Catch you later.”
She watched him trudge off until the trees swallowed him.
So Aiden has secrets like the rest of the world.
7
Furbearing. I never imagined I’d be tracking down and tagging a wolf. Blasted wolves had kept his father away when Aiden needed him most.
Trudging to the cabin with dart gun in hand, Aiden contemplated the woods surrounding him. It was all well and good that Beth had a clean heart before her God. But the bottom of Aiden’s heart must look dirtier than detritus on the forest floor.
He rounded the corner at the back of the cabin. The wolf moseyed out of the trees on the other side of the dumpster.
Beth opened the cabin door. Had she been watching out the window for one of them?
At that moment the wolf sauntered through the last trees at the edge of the clearing, free and proud as only a wild creature can prance. He slanted his unblinking stare upon Aiden as though to study him in case he meant to harm Beth.
Maybe she’d been waiting for the wolf instead of the man.
The wolf’s
golden gaze gave Aiden the willies. Ears tipped back, nape hairs raised, jaw lowered, front knees bent; did it sense danger?
Aiden loaded the tranquilizer into the dart gun, hoping he had estimated the wolf’s weight and figured the correct dosage. His photographic memory came into full use as he mentally went through the instructions he’d been given. He’d have to convey to Beth what to look for as the wolf reacted to the drugs.
He’d relied on himself for more years than he could count, but he’d have to trust Beth to be calm and unemotional, since it would take both of them to deal with the animal.
“Wha—?”
Aiden sliced a cautionary hand and pursed a silent, “Shhh.”
Beth froze.
He maneuvered around a tree, shouldered against the trunk for leverage while keeping his sites on target. He concentrated and squeezed on the exhale. The tranq-filled dart struck the wolf in the left rear flank. Aiden lowered the gun.
The wolf’s legs buckled. He hit the ground with a thud. Alarm shot through Aiden. He expected the wolf to go down in slow motion. Had the dosage been too high?
Beth gasped from the porch.
He caught her lurch forward from the corner of his eye and raised a hand to stop her. “Don’t move. He’s a dangerous wild animal, remember. I have to make sure he’s out.”
He picked up the longest stick he could find, and gave the wolf a mild prod in the side. The wolf didn’t respond.
Beth leaped off the porch and knelt in front of the wolf. Didn’t she get the danger?
Aiden motioned for Beth to go behind the wolf, then handed her a camouflage handkerchief. “Cover his eyes, just in case he comes to before we’re ready.”
Aiden pulled the tracking device from his backpack.
Beth gently laid the scarf over the wolf’s eyes. She smoothed her free hand over the wolf’s hide. When she spoke, worry colored her words. “How long will he be out?”
“Animals differ. Carl said to watch for head movement or vomiting.” He felt Beth’s question. “Carl’s our resident furbearing expert. He’s the one on paternity leave, so that’s why you’re helping today. If the wolf’s jaw tone tightens, it’s a sign the drug is wearing off.”
“So, Lakota will wake up soon?”
He glanced back at the wolf’s head. “Right.”
“And it didn’t hurt him when he fell?”
“Not at all. I’m almost finished.” Aiden leaned back. He double-checked connections and gave the wolf a thorough going over. In a crouch, he duck-walked to Beth’s side behind the wolf and slid the scarf from the wolf’s eyes. “He’ll wake up long before he’s able to get to his feet. We don’t want to be near him.”
“He’s got such powerful muscles. I know he could hurt us.”
“Especially with his jaws. We need to stand clear. And, I’m done being this close. Beth, let’s move back before he comes to all the way.” He shook his head, not getting her connection with the animal as she gave a final sweep down its back. “You’d actually hug him if you could, wouldn’t you?”
“I would. I wanted to pet him, scratch him between the ears, but I wasn’t quite brave enough.” She exhaled and her shoulders relaxed. “He’s magnificent. Do you suppose he’s searching for a place to belong?”
“Makes sense.” Aiden shrugged. “We all want that.” A place to belong. He’d buried that desire a long time ago.
They waited on the porch, where they sat side by side on the bench, both with gazes glued to the wolf.
“I’ve been thinking about Carl’s paternity leave. It’s so touching that he took off work to support his wife and get to know his baby. Makes me feel all soft inside, to know there are men around like that.”
He hadn’t considered the woman’s point of view. “Carl would have been here, with me or some other personnel to help. Our policy is for two Game and Parks employees to be present for immobilization. Sometimes it takes three or four people, according to Carl. If so, we’d cart him off to a safe environ. Since Carl is on leave, we’re short-staffed at HQ at the moment.”
“This isn’t the usual circumstance at all, is it?”
At the worry in her voice, he focused on her face.
Her concentration remained fixed on the wolf. Her features were alight with awe, as though the animal was some kind of gorgeous angelic being.
What thoughts were running through her mind?
She swiveled her face, still cupped in her hands, and slanted him a raised look. “At least you’re working outside, in your element. This secret, Aiden, did it happen indoors? Is that one of the reasons you chose a job that takes you outside much of the time?”
Where in that beautiful mind of hers had that connection come from? If he belonged anywhere, it was outdoors. Since truth was an absolute to his way of thinking, he’d answer. He wouldn’t give her his reasons, though.
“You got me pegged.” He paused, searched her tense body. He’d been so mesmerized by the way she’d stroked the wolf’s back and side, he almost forgot to attend to details of hooking up the collar. He wanted Beth’s hands to roam over his back the way she had comforted the wolf.
But unlike the wolf, he would be conscious, aware of every glide.
He gave himself a mental headshake, unaware he craved such female attention. Not any attention. Beth’s attention. He waited for her to look at him before he continued. “But I might make an exception if you kept me company indoors.”
She squinted, as though daring him to talk. When he said nothing, she turned back to the wolf.
If he ever confessed to what he’d let happen, he could see sharing his secret with Beth. Someday, maybe. Of all people, Beth would identify. Any comment she might make, she’d say with understanding and without censure.
He checked the readings for the wolf’s collar, thinking back to when he was sixteen and his cousin eighteen. He clenched his jaw so hard, he feared cracking a back filling.
He hadn’t told a soul. Except his Aunt Elgene. The urge to spill the mother of all secrets might assuage his guilt, but would it?
Aiden would answer one of her questions about his past. “I do prefer the outdoors. Could be why I feel more interested in my earthly connection than in people. When I’m indoors, I can’t wait to get back out in the open. Guess I’ve always been more comfortable with critters than humans.”
Working outdoors enabled me to pay back the loan Aunt Elgene extended.
He had no stomach for this kind of self-talk, especially when he needed to focus on the wolf. “He is a rather impressive creature, isn’t he?”
“I think he’s magnificent. Wish his eyes could talk when he gives that stare. I envy his freedom.”
The wolf’s muscles rippled. Aiden glanced at his watch. Twenty minutes since the injection. The wolf swung his head, mouth open. Impressive jaws clamped on air.
Five more minutes of intense waiting, and Lakota leaped to his feet. The wolf was off balance and fell back down.
Beth audibly exhaled.
Aiden flung his arm in front of her body, to bar her from running to the wolf’s aid. How could he distract her? “Steady now. Let him find his legs.” He wanted to get her thoughts off the wolf. “That comment you made about belonging. Why did you feel you belonged with Littlefield?”
She hopped to her feet, stiff and tense. Her gaze bore into him. “You don’t have a clue! People always ask us that. You think I didn’t try to leave? He knew where I was.”
She slumped back to the seat, dug her fingertips into her hair. “I had friends once. I’d catch him watching us. He’d follow me, even if we just went shopping. He’d chase me in his big four-wheel-drive truck, with the lights off at night.”
“You couldn’t get a restraining order?”
“Another question I get tired of hearing. He came after me, anyway.”
“What about when he went to work?”
“You don’t understand. He always knew where I was! What I was doing, and who I was with. If I didn’t answer the
phone when he called, or be exactly where I was supposed to be, he’d find me and show up right in my face.” Her small frame shuddered. She wrapped her arms around herself. “He said he’d kill me. I believed him. I’m just now getting to the point where I don’t look over my shoulder or jump at every sound.”
Out of his peripheral vision, he saw the wolf rise on shaky legs to all fours. He leaped over a tree branch on unsteady paws, disappeared amongst the woods.
Beth peered after the wolf.
“He’ll be fine. If he doesn’t feel like he has his faculties, he’ll hunker down somewhere it’s safe.”
A moment passed, as though she were waiting for the animal to reappear. “I’ve been so wrapped up in Lakota, I’d forgotten that my aunt told me Barton has been freed. Mark my words, Aiden. He will come looking for me. And he’ll kill me this time for sure. If you’re anywhere near me, he’ll take us both out.”
How could she land that bomb with such apathy?
****
A low rumbling groan escalated to an inhuman scream. Who was in trouble? Grace? Lakota?
Beth tried to wake, somehow knew in the deep recesses of her consciousness that she was dreaming. A moan roared in her ears, making her heart pound in excess. The sound from her own throat avalanched her into wakefulness. Only her mind functioned. Her eyes refused to open.
She couldn’t lift her head.
She couldn’t even blink.
She couldn’t move. She struggled, felt tied down.
Terror closed her throat.
Her arms and chest were paralyzed as though a muscle-bound demon prevented movement. Her legs were glued to the mattress.
Her eyes wouldn’t open.
Rising panic constricted her lungs.
Why can’t I move?
Her heart pounded like a bird’s held in a giant’s hand.
Numbness prevented movement. In silence, she cried out to the Lord.
The oppressive weight lifted as though knocked aside by that giant.
She opened her eyes to sun blinking through slats in the board shutters.