by Nicole Smith
I slept wrapped in his arms all night. I tried to block out the morning by covering my head in the blankets. I reached for him, my arms around his neck as I climbed on top. I tried not to cry as he rubbed my back. I told him I should go back home, that I have to go back to school and I've been away too long. I wanted to stay but I knew it wasn't right.
“This is going to hurt Scarlett, but it's not a forever good bye. I’ll come and get you when ever you call me, you must call me Scarlett, remember that,” he whispered, tilting my chin up, kissing me like it was our last. I wrapped my legs around him, feeling him against me. I wanted to remember every inch of him, the way he smelled, the way he moved, the way he tasted when he kissed me so hard.
CHAPTER THREE
One of his friends that went to the Depeche Mode concert warned Buddy this morning that a girl had been reported missing since the show in Toronto and that he should be careful crossing the border with me. Of course he didn’t tell me this until we had passed through the border. He turned on the Forgotten Rebels song, Time to Run, which he thought was funny but as I listened to the song I felt angry because he did have me so safe and sound with him.
It is dark when he drives down my street. I knew he was driving me home, but when we finally get there I realize that I want my home to be with him. I have a lump in my throat that’s making it hard for me to breathe.
He parked a few houses back from mine. I didn’t want anyone to see me yet. I needed a few more minutes with my Buddy. We both leaned against the back of his car. Lighting a smoke, we shared it in silence. I held his hand tightly. I glanced at him as he looked up at all the stars in the sky.
“You were right Scarlett, all the stars are here,” he said looking back into my eyes. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as he tilted my chin up, kissing me again, making my body tingle as I reached for the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. His Mohawk now flat, his long hair hangs down, tickling my cheek. I smiled as he continues to kiss me. I heard him moan when he pulled away from me.
“You should come home with me my little treasure,” he said as he rested his hands on the small of my back.
“I want to so badly, I really do,” I gasped as I ran my hands along his shoulders.
“I’m just a phone call away and about four to six hours depending on traffic,” he grinned.
“I’ll miss you Buddy,” I whispered as I kissed him one last time before grabbing my bag and walking away.
I made the mistake of looking back, seeing him standing by the car watching me.
“I can’t do this,” I cried. I ran back to him, jumping into his arms. My legs wrapped around his waist as he easily held me up, kissing me, both of us crying. I kissed his eyes, his cheeks, his forehead, his lips before jumping down and racing towards my house. I couldn’t look back again.
I ran up the steps and caught my breath as I slowly opened the front door. ‘Don’t look back,’ I whispered, because if he still stood there I knew I would run back to him. Once inside I closed the door and leaned against it. After a few minutes, I turned and opened the curtain to look back to where his car had been, he was gone. I felt incredibly sick all of a sudden. Why did he leave me? I held back my tears as I heard my mother run downstairs.
“Scarlett, your home,” she said calmly. She walked to me and hugged me. “I’m sorry Mom, I’m fine,” I told her. She looked at me as she turned the light on. “I can see the tears Scarlett Rayne, what happened? Where did you go? Are you hurt?” she asked, a little more panic in her voice.
“No, I'm not hurt. I met someone, an incredibly amazing someone, I’m just sad to leave him,” I managed to tell her without bursting into tears.
“You left the concert with a boy? Where did you go?” she sounded angry now. I can’t take this. “Can we discuss this in the morning?” I asked her.
“Do you have any idea what’s been going on here since you met that boy?” she demanded. I shook my head, I can’t listen to her right now. I hear my father on the phone in the kitchen. He walked toward me as I stood my ground, waiting for his wrath.
“I just called the police to tell them your are home,” he informs me. “They are sending an officer over immediately. Do you have to go to the hospital?” he asked coldly.
“No, I’m fine,” I said curtly.
“Are you sure you don’t need the morning after pill or a check for STD’s?” he asked with a sneer. I’m shocked and mortified by his questions.
“No,” I shouted as I turned to leave them. My father grabbed my arm and swung me around, smacking me across the face. The force of the smack catches me off balance and I fell to the floor. I quickly stand, feeling adrenalin run through me.
“That’s for making your mother worry,” he said as he released me. I turned and ran up to my room, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
“Why did I leave you?” I cried as I clutched Buddy's tee shirt to my chest. I missed him so much already.
The police officers arrived and interrogated me as to my whereabouts. I refused to tell them his name. They warned me that he could be charged with harboring a runaway. I couldn't imagine getting him into trouble over me. I gasped when they told me that there was a search team set up to scour the grounds after I went missing. A few of your friends mentioned that they were American.
“Did you cross the border Scarlett?” he asked me. I nodded without thinking, Buddy still needed to cross it tonight. I heard my mother huff.
“Do you want to see a doctor or a counselor Scarlett? I can have that arranged,” the police officer offered. I just shook my head.
At school the next day all eyes were on me. I had been called in during second period to go to the office. The secretary tells me that she’s happy I’m safe. I’m surprised that everybody knows I went missing. The school’s guidance counselor comes out and asks to speak with me in his office. I shrug as I follow him in.
“Scarlett, you have no idea how relieved we are that you’ve arrived home safely. Can you tell me why you went away with a complete stranger?” he asked.
“No, I can’t actually, it just kind of happened,” I told him honestly.
“I think you should know that your picture was on the news and the police interrogated your friends. If you want to talk my door is always open, just remember, running away isn’t the answer. You have to face your problems,” he lectured me. I just sighed. He doesn’t understand. I smiled as I stood to leave.
“Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” I mumbled as I left.
After school I didn’t want to go straight home, I just wandered the streets and hung out at the arcade, even though I had apparently been grounded. I laughed at that. My father had given me the cold shoulder, which I was actually happy about. My mother kept watching me, like she thought I would show some sign of sickness or pregnancy. I told her we never had sex, it wasn’t like that. I tried to tell her that what we had was special. She just laughed at me, like she didn’t believe I could have anything special, it had to be wrong and immoral. The less time I had to spend at home the better.
On the following Saturday morning I left the house as soon as I woke up. I stopped to grab a drink at the cafe beside the arcade. I took a seat by the window so I could watch to see if anyone I knew arrived. As I gazed out the window, trying not to think about Buddy, a couple of guys I knew joined me at my table.
“There she is? Aurora’s very own celebrity,” Flynn joked, laughing as he rubbed my shoulders.
“Real funny Flynn,” I said as I elbowed him. His black spiky hair contrasted beautifully with his light blue eyes. Before I met Buddy I had a little crush on Flynn. I had considered making him my next boyfriend, but all of that has changed now. I didn’t want another boyfriend, I just wanted Buddy. I wanted him so much it hurt.
“It’s true, your face was plastered all over the news since you ran away. Where did you go?” Sam asked, sitting across from me.
“Buffalo,” I said, not really wanti
ng to talk about it.
“Interesting choice,” Flynn said, eying me suspiciously. I couldn't help smiling, knowing how crazy it must sound.
“Well, I think it's time to get high,” Sam offers, reaching for my hand, leading me out of the cafe. I am in complete agreement. I haven’t had a smoke since the last one I shared with Buddy. I have been craving it but wasn’t sure who to ask for it. Thankfully Sam lights up as we walk to the park. It isn't the same as Buddy's or Dave's but I assume it will have to do. We meet up with a big group of our friends, laying out in the sun. I don’t know if it was an actual decision that I made that day, but from then on, getting high or drunk was how I planned on dealing with my father and with losing Buddy.
CHAPTER FOUR
I managed to get the last of my credits for the year at school even though there were a number of days that I entered the front door and just walked through it, leaving out the back with whatever drugs I managed to procure on my way through. There was always someone at the arcade or the park doing the same thing. I dyed my brown hair blond and pinned a bunch of large safety pins to my plaid uniform. I eventually stopped sleeping in Buddy’s tee shirt when it no longer smelled of him. I even stopped crying myself to sleep at night.
My summer became a blur as I sunk deeper into my depression, drowning it in alcohol and weed. I spent most nights crashing at different friend's houses. Their parents didn’t seem to mind. I didn’t eat much and if I brought them a joint or two all the better. I tried to go home in mid August. I had planned on going back to school, but as I unlocked the front door and walked in my father greeted me with a string of slurred profanities. I didn’t see my mother anywhere. She must be out or hiding. I turned to leave but he grabbed my hair and swung me around.
”I guess the demons are winning today,” I said.
“Where have you been Scarlett Rayne? Are you doing drugs? Did you come here to steal from me? Oh and if you ever go to the states again I will have you followed and your pretty boyfriend will be arrested. I can guarantee you that Scarlett. The police gave the boarder guards your picture, you're not allowed to leave the country now,” he ranted. I just stood there, not sure how I was going to get away from him.
“I’ll just go,” I whispered. I raced for the door again but he caught me. He gripped my elbow as he swung me around. Before I knew what was happening his fist landed on my nose. I screamed in shock and pain. He didn’t stop, three more punches landed on my head and one more in my stomach. I fell to the ground, crying and bleeding. When I looked up at him I thought I saw shock, as though maybe he hadn’t realized what he had just done to me. He began to back away from me as I somehow managed to stand. I glared at him as I wiped the blood from my nose. I felt wild, strong but hurt, wanting to attack him. A tingling sensation ran through me. It must be adrenalin.
“She should never have met him. It's all wrong now. He can't choose her, I forbid it,” my father sneered. He seemed to be talking to himself more than to me. I thought I saw a shadow move around him. I blinked my eyes, wiping them again.
“Nice seeing you Daddy,” I said through my tears as I opened the front door. Slamming it shut, I ran down the street. Bleeding and crying, I raced into the arcade bathroom and washed my face. Louise, the manager at the arcade must have seen me run in. She held a first aid kit as I noticed her standing beside me.
“Scarlett right? Are you okay? Do want to talk about it child?” she asked in a sweet motherly voice. I just shook my head.
“Let me help clean you up. Are you sure nothings broken?” she asked as she gently touched my nose. She applied antiseptic to my cuts then bought me supper. I was grateful for her help.
Needless to say I didn’t return to school in September. When I considered what my father had said, that I could never return to Buddy without the police following me, nothing seemed to matter anymore. I knew my father would follow through on his threat just to spite me if I went missing, although as time passed I began to wonder if he would even know if I left or not. I just wasn't sure about the boarder guard having my photo. I wondered if they would detain me and call the police. Knowing what Buddy does for a living, I could never bring the police to his door.
It took sometime for me to allow another guy to touch me again, but my depression mixed with the alcohol and drugs seemed to make me a little less emotional. An odd apathy towards my body took over. When the nights began to get colder I realized I needed someone to take me in. I wasn’t allowed home if I wasn’t in school my mother told me when I called her. I tried to tell her what happened when I went home in August but she didn’t want to listen to me. She didn’t want to believe me. She left a backpack with some of my clothes on the porch for me. I asked her to grab my journal, I needed it. Thankfully she had put it in my backpack. I didn’t care if she had read it.
After staying at a girlfriends house for a while I started seeing an older guy that had his own place. I remember feeling flattered by his tenacity. He wouldn’t give up on me. At parties, he would follow me around, giving me drinks and lighting smokes for me. Late one night I was zoned out, leaning against a wall as I sat on the floor. Strange Love played and I thought Josh was Buddy. He sat beside me, his arm around my shoulder as he kissed me. In my delirium I wrapped my arms around him, sitting on his lap, I kissed him like I kissed Buddy. He offered his place to me and I moved in with him in November.
I wish I could tell you what I did during the day but I really don’t remember. He ran a party house. There was always someone there with drugs or alcohol. I lived in a bit of a daze. I didn’t like being in a relationship though. I didn’t love Josh. I flirted more than he liked. After one of our fights I left him. I gathered what little I owned and a full bottle of vodka, then walked out on him.
I was so drunk that I slept in the first place I could find, an unlocked storage shed in the park on my way to a friends house. I just passed out once I closed the door. Thankfully it was insulated and I had been with it enough to grab my boots and a winter jacket. The next day I walked to the arcade where I met up with Sam. He offered me a bed at his place. I accepted his offer because I couldn't shake the coldness that I felt. I needed sleep and a shower desperately. I sold my body for a hot shower. This only made me feel worse, like I betrayed Buddy twice now. I convinced myself that he would never want me again.
After that night I accepted the fact that I was just a ghost of my former self, the person Buddy had loved was gone. After that night I continued to follow the party. I think I went a month waking up just to get my next fix. My birthday came and went. I believe Josh actually gave me a cupcake and I went home with him. A cupcake was all it took for him to get me back. It didn’t last long though. I had to get out.
In a moment of somewhat clarity I decided that I had to leave this town. I couldn’t imagine running into a teacher, or an old friend or my mother. I had to go to the city. Cassandra had already moved there with her boyfriend and told me to come stay with her. I boarded the bus at five thirty on a cold January morning. I sat down and took out my journal. I wrote an entry about my disgust in myself, my absolute shame in what I have done. I wanted to believe I could turn this around, but I didn’t know how. I turned to the page where I wrote Buddy’s address. His phone number was below it. I wanted to call him. The police wouldn’t follow me now. My father doesn’t care where I go anymore. I considered calling him as soon as I get off the bus. I could call him and just tell him I miss him. I won’t expect him to come get me. I wiped the tears from my eyes as the bus pulled into the downtown Toronto station.
I paced back and forth in front of the bus station. Just as I felt I had built up enough nerve to find a pay phone I heard Cassandra shout my name.
“Scarlett Rayne, I can’t believe you’re here! Let’s go party,” she squealed. I smiled as she ran to me. Her bouncy curly sandy blond hair and her big wide eyes were so nice to see. I sunk into her embrace, letting her lead me to the subway. We got off at the Spadina stop. I thought I’d stay with Cas fo
r a few days and get my head straight, then I’d call Buddy.
Cas lived in another party house, I must be attracted to them. Free drugs and alcohol surrounded me night after night, never seeming to dry up. A few days turned into a few weeks, after a month or so there I remember waking up one morning just wearing a tiny black tee shirt and my red lace panties. Thankfully I was alone on a couch, but I couldn’t remember whose couch. I wasn’t at Cassandra’s house anymore. I stood up quickly and looked around. Lighting a smoke, I took a drag as I walked through the living room to the kitchen. It was an older house, I felt the drafts and the floor seemed to groan with my steps. I threw back a shot of vodka that was sitting on the kitchen counter.
“Cas?” I shouted, a little frightened now.
“Hey, Scar, in here,” I heard her shout back. I walked down a hallway that led to a bedroom, where I found her lying on a bed, laughing with some guy I have never seen before.
“Hey, who is this?” I asked her angrily. Wondering where her boyfriend was and why we were here.
“You met Mike last night, after I broke up with Johnny, we ran into Mike and Brett. We came back here and so, um here we are,” she said laughing. I had no idea what time it was but I could tell she was completely messed up on something.
“Um, so where’s Brett?” I dared to ask.
“Last time I saw him he was in you,” she said, bursting out laughing. I didn't see the humor in this. I prayed she was lying.
“I can’t remember a thing,” I mumbled as I rubbed my forehead. Mike sat up then and reached for my hand, pulling me onto the bed with them. He lights what I think is a joint and offers it to me. I take it and quickly feel the room spin. This is not normal.
After a few nights at Mike’s place Cas tells me she needs to leave him. “There’s something not right about that guy. He makes me nervous,” she told me once we had packed up and walked out.
“I’m happy to go too Cas, I didn’t feel comfortable there either,” I said. I didn't like the way he would stare at me, but I didn't tell her that. We hopped onto the subway and made our way downtown. I zipped up my leather jacket and retied my docs when all of a sudden Cas started laughing.