by Alex Bell
For my cousin, Chris Willrich
Polar Bear Explorers’ Club Rules
ALL Polar Bear explorers will keep their mustaches trimmed, waxed, and well groomed at all times. Any explorer found with a slovenly mustache will be asked to withdraw from the club’s public rooms immediately.
EXPLORERS with disorderly mustaches or unkempt beards will also be refused entry to the members-only bar, the private dining room, and the gentlemen’s billiards room without exception.
ALL igloos on club property must contain a flask of hot chocolate and an adequate supply of marshmallows at all times.
ONLY polar bear–shaped marshmallows are to be served on club property. Additionally, the following breakfast items will be prepared in polar bear–shape only: pancakes, waffles, crumpets, sticky pastries, fruit jellies, and donuts. Please do not request alternative animal shapes from the kitchen—including penguins, walruses, woolly mammoths, and yetis—as this offends the chef.
MEMBERS are kindly reminded that when the chef is offended, insulted, or peeved, there will be nothing on offer in the dining room whatsoever except for buttered toast. This toast will be bread-shaped.
EXPLORERS must not hunt or harm unicorns under any circumstances.
ALL Polar Bear Explorers’ Club sleighs must be properly decorated with seven brass bells and must contain the following items: five fleecy blankets, three hot water bottles in knitted sweaters, two flasks of emergency hot chocolate, and a warmed basket of buttered crumpets (polar bear–shaped).
PLEASE do not take penguins into the club’s saltwater baths; they will hog the Jacuzzi.
ALL penguins are the property of the club and are not to be removed by explorers. The club reserves the right to search any suspiciously shaped bags. Any bag that moves by itself will automatically be deemed suspicious.
ALL snowmen built on club property must have appropriately groomed mustaches. Please note that a carrot is not a suitable object to use as a mustache. Nor is an eggplant. If in doubt, remember that the club president is always available for consultation regarding snowmen’s mustaches.
IT is considered bad form to threaten other club members with icicles, snowballs, or oddly dressed snowmen.
WHISTLING ducks are not permitted on club property. Any member found with a whistling duck in his possession will be asked to leave.
Upon initiation, all Polar Bear explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:
One tin of Captain Filibuster’s Expedition-Strength Mustache Wax
One bottle of Captain Filibuster’s Scented Beard Oil
One folding pocket mustache comb
One ivory-handled shaving brush, two pairs of grooming scissors, and four individually wrapped cakes of luxurious foaming shaving soap
Two compact pocket mirrors
Desert Jackal Explorers’ Club Rules
MAGICAL flying carpets are to be kept tightly rolled when on club premises. Any damage caused by out-of-control flying carpets will be considered the sole responsibility of the explorer in question.
ENCHANTED genie lamps must stay in their owners’ possession at all times.
PLEASE note: Genies are strictly prohibited at the bar and at the bridge tables.
TENTS are for serious expedition use only and are not to be used to host parties, gatherings, chin-wags, or chitchats.
CAMELS must not be permitted—or encouraged—to spit at other club members.
JUMPING cacti are not allowed inside the club unless under exceptional circumstances.
PLEASE do not remove flags, maps, or wallabies from the club.
CLUB members are not permitted to settle disagreements via camel racing between the hours of midnight and sunrise.
THE club kangaroos, coyotes, sand cats, and rattlesnakes are to be respected at all times.
MEMBERS who wish to keep all their fingers are advised not to torment the giant desert hairy scorpions, irritate the bearded vultures, or vex the spotted desert recluse spiders.
EXPLORERS are kindly asked to refrain from washing their feet in the drinking water tureens at the club’s entrance, which are provided strictly for our members’ refreshment.
SAND forts may be constructed on club grounds, on condition that explorers empty all sand from their sandals, pockets, bags, binocular cases, and helmets before entering the club.
EXPLORERS are asked not to take camel decoration to extremes. Desert Jackal Explorers’ Club camels may wear a maximum of one jeweled necklace, one tasseled headdress and/or bandana, seven plain gold anklets, up to four knee bells, and one floral snout ornament.
Upon initiation, all Desert Jackal explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:
One foldable leather safari hat or one pith helmet
One canister of tropical-strength giant desert hairy scorpion repellent
One shovel (please note this object’s usefulness in the event of being buried alive in a sandstorm)
One camel-grooming kit, consisting of organic camel shampoo, camel eyelash curlers, head brush, toenail trimmers, and hoof polishers (kindly provided by the National Camel-Grooming Association)
Two spare genie lamps and one spare genie bottle
Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club Rules
MEMBERS of the Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club shall refrain from picnicking in a slovenly manner. All expedition picnics are to be conducted with grace, poise, and elegance.
ALL expedition picnicware must be made from solid silver and kept perfectly polished at all times.
CHAMPAGNE carriers must be constructed from high-grade wicker, premium leather, or teakwood. Please note that champagne carriers considered “tacky” will not be accepted onto the luggage elephant under ANY circumstances.
EXPEDITION picnics will not take place unless there are scones present. Ideally, there should also be magic lanterns, pixie cakes, and an assortment of fairy jellies.
EXOTIC whip snakes, alligator snapping turtles, horned baboon tarantulas, and flying panthers must be kept securely under lock and key while on club premises.
DO NOT torment or tease the jungle fairies. They will bite and may also catapult tiny, but extremely potent, stink-berries. Please be warned that stink-berries smell worse than anything you can imagine, including unwashed feet, moldy cheese, elephant poo, and hippopotamus burps.
JUNGLE fairies must be allowed to join expedition picnics if they bring an offering of any of the following: elephant cakes, striped giraffe scones, or fizzy tiger punch from the Forbidden Jungle Tiger Temple.
JUNGLE fairy boats have right of way on the Tikki Zikki River under all circumstances, including when there are piranhas present.
SPEARS are to be pointed away from other club members at all times.
WHEN traveling by elephant, explorers are kindly asked to supply their own bananas.
IF and when confronted by an enraged hippopotamus, a Jungle Cat explorer must remain calm and act with haste to avoid any damage befalling the expedition boat (please note that the Jungle Navigation Company expects all boats to be returned to them in pristine condition).
MEMBERS are courteously reminded that owing to the size and smell of the beasts in question, the club’s elephant house is not an appropriate venue in which to host soirees, banquets, galas, or shindigs. Carousing of any kind in the elephant house is strictly prohibited.
Upon initiation, all Jungle Cat explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:
An elegant mother-of-pearl knife and fork, inscribed with the explorer’s initials
One silverware polishing kit
One engraved Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club napkin ring and five luxury linen napkins—
ironed, starched, and embossed with the club’s insignia
One magic lantern with fire pixie
One tin of Captain Greystoke’s Expedition-Flavor Smoked Caviar
One corkscrew, two cheese knives, and three wicker grape baskets
Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club Rules
SEA monster, kraken, and giant squid trophies are the private property of the club, and cannot be removed to adorn private homes. Explorers will be charged for any decorative tentacles that are found to be missing from their rooms.
EXPLORERS are not to fraternize—or join forces—with pirates or smugglers during the course of any official expedition.
POISONOUS puffer fish, barbed-wire jellyfish, saltwater stingrays, and electric eels are not appropriate fillings for pies or sandwiches. Any such requests sent to the kitchen will be politely rejected.
EXPLORERS are kindly asked to refrain from offering to show the club’s chef how to prepare sea snakes, sharks, crustaceans, or deep-sea monsters for human consumption. This includes the creatures listed in the rule immediately above. Please respect the expert knowledge of the chef.
THE Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club does not consider the sea cucumber to be a trophy worthy of reward or recognition. This includes the lesser-found biting cucumber, as well as the singing cucumber and the argumentative cucumber.
ANY Ocean Squid explorer who gifts the club with a tentacle from the screeching red devil squid will be rewarded with a year’s supply of Captain Ishmael’s Premium Dark Rum.
PLEASE do not leave docked submarines in a submerged state; it wreaks havoc with the club’s valet service.
EXPLORERS are kindly asked not to leave deceased sea monsters in the hallways or in any of the club’s communal rooms. Unattended sea monsters are liable to be removed to the kitchens without notice.
THE South Seas Navigation Company will not accept liability for any damage caused to their submarines. This includes damage caused by giant squid attacks, whale ambushes, and jellyfish plots.
EXPLORERS are not to use the map room to compare the length of squid tentacles or other trophies. Please use the marked areas within the trophy rooms to settle any private wagers or bets.
PLEASE note: Any explorer who threatens another explorer with a harpoon cannon will be suspended from the club immediately.
Upon initiation, all Ocean Squid explorers shall receive an explorer’s bag containing the following items:
One tin of Captain Ishmael’s Kraken Bait
One kraken net
One engraved hip flask filled with Captain Ishmael’s Expedition-Strength Salted Rum
Two sharpened fishing spears and three bags of hunting barbs
Five tins of Captain Ishmael’s Harpoon Cannon Polish
CHAPTER ONE
STELLA STARFLAKE PEARL DECIDED she did not like the courthouse in Coldgate one bit.
Not only was it a looming, imposing, ugly building, with high ceilings, paintings of serious-looking, disapproving judges, and stone statues of justice griffins everywhere, but the people who worked there were stiff and serious and seemed to have their collars buttoned up too tight. Perhaps that’s why the staff all had that sweating, slightly throttled look—including the panel sitting behind the bench.
The panel consisted of the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club’s president, Algernon Augustus Fogg, along with three other retired explorers. They were all men, gray-haired, with disapproving expressions that caused their mustaches to bristle from time to time. They all stared down accusingly at Stella’s father, Felix, who stood alone before them, dressed in his pale blue explorer’s cloak.
The courthouse was normally used for putting criminals on trial, but the members of the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club were allowed to use it for occasions like this, when one of their own was under investigation for rule breaking. Felix had, unfortunately, broken quite a few rules recently when he mounted an unauthorized expedition to Witch Mountain. And Stella and her junior explorer friends—Shay, Ethan, and Beanie—had done the same when they followed him in case he needed rescuing.
It was now three weeks since they had returned from their fateful expedition and all the trouble had started. Felix and Stella had both found that their very membership in the club hung in the balance. They had found themselves on trial for rule breaking, and now their very membership in the club hung in the balance. After two visits to the courthouse, last week they had received a telegram informing them this would be the final meeting and that a decision would be reached by the end of the day. Stella saw that everyone had come to see the result, including the president of the Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club and his odious son, Gideon Galahad Smythe. Shay, Ethan, and Beanie were there too, along with Beanie’s mum, Joss, a slender elf with long blue hair and pointed ears.
Stella was shocked to see her friends. Today was Beanie’s birthday, and he had been planning his party for ages. When Stella found out they were due to appear in court, she’d sent a messenger fairy with a note saying she couldn’t come. She had assumed the party would go ahead without her, yet here they all were in this horrible place instead.
This was the third time she and Felix had been to the courthouse now, and it seemed to Stella that it had been specially designed to make her feel insignificant and small. The very air—thick with a long history of disagreements and arguments and misery and grievances—made Stella feel all twitchy and itchy inside her clothes. Most of all, she hated the fact that they were treating Felix like some kind of criminal. It was so unspeakably unfair. Yes, he may have broken a few rules, and he may have gone to Witch Mountain against the wishes of the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club, but it had all been a matter of life and death, and any explorer ought to be able to understand that.
Stella adjusted her position on the chair and tried to persuade Mustafah, Hermina, Humphrey, and Harriet to settle down in her lap. Unbeknown to her, the four jungle fairies she’d met on their last adventure had stowed away in her pockets when they left home, and she was quite concerned they might get into mischief. She’d already caught Hermina with her slingshot out, aiming a stink-berry at one of the brooding stone griffins adorning the walls.
The other people in the courthouse kept throwing disapproving looks at them too—the jungle fairies kind of stood out with their green skin, leaf tunics, and impressive blue spiky hair. And while there wasn’t a rule against fairies being inside the courthouse as such, it was certainly the case that the building had a dry, life-sucking air—probably on account of all the lawyers—and that it felt somehow wrong for something as magical and marvelous as a fairy to be there.
Shay, the wolf whisperer, caught Stella’s eye and waved at her from across the aisle. It was warm and stuffy inside the courtroom, and yet Shay was still wearing his cloak and seemed to clutch it to him, as if in need of the warmth. Stella raised her hand back, trying not to show her stab of unease at the sight of the white streak in Shay’s hair. Had it spread a little more since she’d last seen him, or was it her imagination? Either way, there was no time to lose.
Koa, Shay’s shadow wolf, had been bitten by a witch wolf just as they were leaving Witch Mountain, and Shay would almost certainly turn into a witch wolf himself if they didn’t do something to help him. But they had tried everything they could, with no success. The only possible chance to save Shay was to travel over the cursed Black Ice Bridge—a forsaken place that no explorer had ever managed to cross. Somewhere on the other side was a mysterious person called the Collector, who had stolen Stella’s birth mother’s Book of Frost, which contained a spell that might save Shay’s life. But it was a formidable task—most said impossible—and they ought to be finishing their preparations for it, not stuck in this stupid courtroom wasting their time. Stella couldn’t help gritting her teeth in frustration.
“You knew the club did not want you to go to Witch Mountain,” one of the old explorers on the panel was saying to Felix. “And yet you went anyway.”
“Is that a question, Nathaniel?” Felix a
sked mildly.
“This is your final chance to offer some explanation or justification for your behavior,” the explorer replied.
“There are some things in this world that are even more important than the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club,” Felix replied. “As I have already told this court, I went to Witch Mountain because I believed there was a witch there who meant my daughter harm. I feared for her life.”
President Fogg’s mouth formed a thin, straight line, but he shuffled some papers around on the bench in front of him, peered down at the top sheet, then looked back at Felix and said, “You have taken full responsibility for your adopted daughter—the ice princess known as Stella Starflake Pearl—and you do not deny that she broke into the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club and stole a valuable artifact—”
“I deny both those points, sir,” Felix interrupted sharply. “As a junior member of the club, Stella should never have been denied access in the first place. Furthermore, the artifact she took was a tiara that belonged to her and was only on loan to the club temporarily. It’s not possible to steal your own property—”
“What about my dirigible?” cried a voice from the other side of the courtroom. Stella turned and saw that the speaker was Wendell Winterton Smythe, the president of the Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club. “You’re not going to argue that belonged to the girl too? And what about my son? He was magically assaulted.”
“I’m the one who assaulted him!” Stella’s friend Ethan Edward Rook rose to his feet, scowling. His black Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club cloak gleamed beneath the sickly glow of the courthouse lights. “It wasn’t Stella; it was me. And I’d do it again too. In a heartbeat!”
Unfortunately, Gideon Galahad Smythe had been on board the dirigible when the young explorers had used it to flee from the guards at the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club. He was a few years older than them, and very handsome, rude, and mean. To their dismay, he had tried to sabotage their rescue attempt by turning the dirigible back around. So Ethan had used his powers as a magician to transform him into a wonky squish-squish frog, and he’d spent most of the expedition stuffed inside someone’s pocket.