by Alicia Rae
God…
He was so good with words and always so honest and open with his feelings. He could make me believe that fate and love were on our side, like it was all we would need to make it through the tough times.
And here I was, unable to string together a few words for the life of me.
Still, he deserved my utmost honesty, but the truth was, I didn’t know if this was where I belonged.
“Colton,” I exhaled his name in a rush. Slightly stepping back, I lifted my arms to gesture to everything around us. “I’m not sure I can give you what you want.” I motioned to myself, hating the reality of the situation. It pierced my soul to think of losing him. “I’m a different person than I used to be. I don’t want you to find out later down the road that I’m not the same girl you once loved.” I swallowed thickly. “It would crush me.”
“That would never happen.” He stepped forward, not allowing me to put any space between us. One of his hands came to my jaw while the other held my waist.
He wasn’t catching the severity of my revelation.
“I don’t think you understand what I mean.”
“So, tell me,” he said.
Fuck. I choked back tears that had formed from just thinking about how much this would hurt. “I’m not sure if I want to live on a ranch…” I trailed off as I saw my confession sinking into his mind.
His hands fell to his sides, and he looked at me as if I had slapped him.
I had to keep going, or I would never get all my feelings out. “I don’t know if this is the place for me anymore.” My vision blurred at his desolate, empty expression. I was breaking both our hearts. “I have loved this kind of life since I was a little girl. It’s all I know. Now though, being here, surrounded by horses, is a painful reminder of what I lost.”
Emotions flashed through his eyes so quickly that I had no time to decipher any of them.
“Are you trying to hurt me?” he asked indifferently in a tone I hadn’t heard from him before today. “You are constantly pushing me away at every turn.”
“No.” I blinked through the moisture in my eyes, hoping to see his face. “I can’t quite explain it, but the accident and losing Missy changed something inside me.”
Colton glanced away, appearing to be running over something in his head. Then, he looked me straight in the eyes, his hard ones pinning mine. “Paige, the first time I saw you since you returned home, you were down at the barn by the horses. So, how can that be true?”
“That was different,” I replied, knowing I wasn’t making a bit of sense. Gosh, I suck at explaining things.
“Really?” He clipped out a bitter laugh, but I knew it was out of hurt. “How do you figure?”
“I wanted to see Foster,” I admitted softly. A wave of anguish washed over me from just mentioning his name.
Colton scrunched his brows together. “But you were by Bentley when I came into the barn.”
“That was an accident.” It was then I noticed the trembling in my hands. I stuck them in the front pocket of my hoodie, so Colton couldn’t see my reaction. “I was looking for Foster.”
“Why?” he delved.
My stubbornness reared its head as the guilt from losing Missy settled in. I didn’t want him to know why I needed to see Foster. I had never had the chance to apologize for taking his mother away from him all too soon. I had no interest in Colton’s pity. Furthermore, it wasn’t the root of our problem at hand.
I lifted my chin at him. “That’s none of your business.”
“It is when you say that living on a ranch with me and not following your passion for training horses are no longer in your future,” he countered.
Ouch, that hurt.
Our argument felt like it was going nowhere, and the rapid changes in our conversation was exhausting.
Feeling tired and wanting this conversation to be over, I lashed back and said, “That’s just it, Colton. People change.”
He jerked his head back at my harsh comment. He glared at me with distant eyes, but I could still see the lingering wounded look he was trying to conceal.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he said, his voice barely loud enough for me to hear. He nodded and then glanced down at the floor for a brief moment.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I had nothing left to say.
Colton turned and walked out of the room without so much as a backward glance, leaving me standing in the middle of his bedroom.
Confused, angry, and exhausted, I methodically backed up and sat down on the bed. I stared out the door after him.
Colton and I had rarely ever fought in all our years of friendship. He’d been my best friend. At the moment though, I felt like we were lifetimes away from each other.
After arguing over something as monumental as our future, everything inside of me felt too numb to move. So, I eventually lay back on his bed. I tucked one of his fluffy pillows beneath my head and curled my body into a ball while pondering if the shattered pieces of my life could be put back together.
I AWOKE TO THE SUN just beginning to rise, feeling like my body was going to overheat. At the weight of a large arm pressing on top of my stomach, I changed my position and rolled over onto my other side. Colton lay next to me, fast asleep, with his body facing me.
I let my eyes leisurely travel over his face—from his dark brows to the defined outline of his cheekbones and down to the sexy curves of his full lips. It made me recall just how soft and loving his sweet kisses were. Just the slightest touch of those lips held the power to release a field of butterflies in my belly…and my heart.
The conversation with Colton the prior night drowned my thoughts. I had no idea how we had gotten here. We were so close to one another, yet there seemed to be an insurmountable distance between us. I disliked feeling so far away from him. Even worse, I hated that I was the one causing it.
Knowing it was time to go, I slowly leaned my body up and propped forward on my elbows. I gazed at him one last time, wishing things could be different. Then, I leaned over, and with the slightest touch, I gingerly rested my lips against his temple and kissed him. I held back the urge to whisper just how much I loved him, fearing he would hear me and never let me go.
I quietly rose from the bed and made my way to the back door to let myself out. The motion-sensor porch light came on even though dawn was underway. My Gator was parked at the end of the concrete patio, several feet into the grass. I walked over to it and slowly climbed onto the black seat. It was wet and cold, and the morning dew dampened my jeans.
I turned the key and slipped the gear into drive. Not sparing a second, I accelerated forward, returning to my parents’ home.
When I pulled up next to the back porch and shut off the ignition, my dad was making his way out the door.
Jeez, he always has perfect timing.
He strolled over to me as I placed both my legs on one side of the seat, still sitting. I felt like a teenager getting caught from sneaking out the night before, not that I had ever done that before.
“Hey there, young lady.” His fatherly eyes probed mine, but he couldn’t hide his intrinsic amusement from me.
I assumed it was from catching me just now getting in. Twenty-five years old or not, I bit back a laugh at the embarrassingly sticky situation I found myself in.
“What has you up so early?” he asked.
“Oh, you know…” I racked my brain. “I just thought I’d go out for an early ride.”
Dad tipped his hat up as he raised one brow. “Or are you coming home from a late-night one?” he countered with a smirk plastered across his face.
“That works, too.” I laughed.
“Indeed.” He chuckled. After he recovered, his expression softened. “How did things go with Colton?”
“Not as I expected.” I held back a frown.
He nodded thoughtfully, and I knew my attempt to hide my emotions had failed. It didn’t help that he always had this natural ability to read me.
“Want to talk about it?” he asked genuinely.
I shook my head as my eyes fell to the ground. “No.”
Dad released a troubled sigh. “So be it, but know this—I’m rooting for you two kids.”
“I know,” I replied softly. “Don’t get your hopes up, Dad. This giant boulder seems to be in our path.”
“No one ever said life would be easy. There are always bumps in every road,” he responded, offering his years of wisdom. Then, he pivoted on his heel, preparing to walk away.
Not ready for him to leave, I rested my hands on my legs and blinked up at him. “Dad?”
“Yeah, kiddo?” he drawled, spinning around.
I inhaled deeply, gathering my thoughts. “What would you do if Mom didn’t want to live on the ranch anymore?”
His eyes broadened.
I continued to inquire, “You’d still consider that a bump?”
“I’d travel through hell and high water for your mom.” He smiled fondly. “So, yes, it would just be a bump.”
I acknowledged his statement by nodding my head, expecting him to carry on, and then I frowned down at the grass. That was not the answer I had expected from him. This ranch was Dad’s everything.
“Paige?”
I whipped my head back up to him. “Yeah?”
“If those are your real feelings, then you need to tell Colton.” The look in his eyes made me feel as though he was hesitating from saying more.
My heart plummeted to the floor at what he’d said. I’d already opened up to Colton, and that hadn’t gone so well.
Dad came to set his hand on my shoulder. “First, make sure this is what you truly want in your heart. The little girl I raised had a fierce love for horses. It was beyond anything I’d ever seen. She dreamed of owning a ranch of her own someday. Knowing she would sacrifice her passion for a bump in the road would break my heart.”
God, I will not cry. I will not cry.
“But at the end of the day, a father’s love is unconditional, Paige.” His voice lowered an octave, resounding with an unpretentious love. “And I’ll stand beside you, no matter the path you take.”
Tears stung my eyes as I rose to my feet and tightly hugged him. “Love you, Dad.” I’d tried to keep my voice steady, but I failed miserably.
Dad gave me a smacking smooch on my temple. “Not as much as I love you, kiddo.” He drew back and winked. “Now, I’d better get started on my responsibilities before I’m late for your mother’s breakfast, and she has to crack the whip.”
“Okay, Dad.” I bellowed out a wholehearted laugh at his dramatic theatrics.
He was kidding as my mother couldn’t even kill a fly.
He tipped his cowboy hat at me, and then he disappeared.
I sank back onto the leather seat of my Gator, facing the way my father had gone, and I wiped away my tears. Suddenly, as if I were breaking out of my shell, I knew it was time to light some fire under my ass. I could no longer dwell on the past. I was going to get out of my rut.
I released a shaky breath, realizing what I had to do. Sometimes, when I lost my way, I would need to retrace my steps and go back to where it had all begun.
And that was precisely what I was going to do.
With every step closer to the river where the accident had occurred last September, intense tremors rocketed through my body, and I wondered if I was ready for this or if it was a horrible idea to come here. The only thing that kept me moving forward was that I owed it to Missy to finally say good-bye. Although every step was a struggle, I had to do this for myself.
As my legs somehow carried me through the tall wild grass, the very spot where Colton and I had crossed the water came into view. A painfully raw cry escaped my throat as tears clouded my vision. My hands shook with an unstoppable vigor.
The edge of the water was so shallow and clear that I could nearly see the bottom, so I gently descended to my knees and bowed my head in shame and utter despair.
Nine years of my friendship with Missy overwhelmed me, playing out in my head like a movie. Memories tormented my soul—being with her during the first few hours of her life, seeing her take her initial steps as a foal, and riding proudly on her back over all the acreage on the farm.
An agonizing sharp pain pierced my heart, and I buckled over at the waist. My hands came in front of me as I covered my face in my lap, surrendering to the grief and loss I felt inside. Deep sobs reverberated out of my lungs, and I heaved and gasped for air, wishing things had been different.
“I’m so, so sorry, Missy.” I wept, mourning my sweet, precious girl. “Please forgive me.”
I faintly heard footsteps coming from behind me. Seconds later, strong arms wrapped around me, holding me close.
“Shh…shh…” Colton cooed in a soothing deep voice. “It’s going to be okay, Paige.”
I shifted in his hold and buried my face into his warmth as I continued to violently cry in despair. Then, I silently prayed for Missy’s forgiveness.
Colton’s hand came to my hair, and he caressed it all the way down the length of my back and upward again. He repeated the motion over and over in a comforting gesture as my grief consumed me until I had nothing left.
We must have been sitting in the grass together for hours or maybe longer. By the time I moved my head to peek out in front of me, the clouds had rolled in, and an evening breeze was blowing across the field.
The only reason I had the strength to move was a cramp had formed in my leg, so I raised it slightly off the ground to straighten my limb. Colton immediately sensed my distress. He gradually leaned back until he was lying flat on the tall green grass.
I scooted closer, positioned on my hip at his side, and draped my sore leg over his body, still keeping it extended. He elevated his arm with an awaiting look in his eyes, and I eagerly scooted up into him, so I could snuggle.
More time passed as I absorbed the feel of him pressed against me. He alleviated some of the burden I carried inside.
“How did you know I was here?” I finally asked after regaining some of my composure.
Colton propped his elbow beneath his head, so I could see his eyes. “It’s just something I’ve always had with you. I can’t quite describe it,” he began in a quiet voice. “Somehow, I can sense when you need me, Paige, as if you are calling to my soul.”
The truth of his words nearly had me in tears again. No matter the hardships or bumps in the road, he was always there for me. Even when I’d pushed him away, he refused to give up on us.
I inched my way up to him and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Colton.”
He delicately stroked my arm. “For what?”
“For not giving up on me.”
He gently squeezed my arm. “That would never happen, Paige.”
“I believe you.”
His eyes searched mine, long enough to make me feel like I was missing something.
Then, his lips parted, and he said, “While we’re here, can I show you something?”
Nerves crept in as I wondered what it could possibly be. “Of course,” I answered, deliberately moving my leg off of him.
Colton stood to his feet and extended a helping hand to me. As I slowly maneuvered myself to reach up to him, my leg protested against the stretch, causing me to release the faintest whimper.
“Are you okay?” Colton inquired, scanning my body for injuries.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine.”
“If it’s too much of a walk, we can stay here,” he expressed with concern.
“No, I just need to stretch my muscles,” I protested, denying my aching limb the right to hinder my curiosity of what Colton wanted to share with me. My determination would prevail, so I kept most of my weight on my opposing foot.
His eyes told me that he wasn’t convinced, so I added, “Colton, I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine,” he countered, worry lacing his tone.
He continued to eye me, assessing my leg and butt. He ci
rcled me, and I rotated my head to either side, so I could follow his gaze. I wished it were a good ass-scoping, but it wasn’t.
Stubbornly, I distributed my weight onto both feet. “If you’re going to check out my ass, it’d better be in a good way.” As he stopped at my left hip, I sighed, giving him an irritated look. “If you make me feel like I’m incompetent to walk or something, I think you should be on your way,” I snipped, pointing in the direction of the house.
He raised a brow as he cocked his head to the side and grinned devilishly. “When did you become so feisty?”
I smirked back at him. “If I’ve accomplished one thing since leaving home and living with Ashlee for three months, it’s growing a backbone.”
Colton threw his head back and laughed. “She always was the outspoken one.”
“I have to agree with you there.” I chuckled. I missed my friend and our baking days together. They were so much fun.
Colton circled me one more time, eyeing me with a look that made me feel stripped bare and beautiful and oh-so…his. At the same time, I couldn’t help but watch the way he moved. I could see the outline of his muscles shifting with every step he took, entrancing me.
Seconds felt like minutes before he stepped into me and drew me in his arms, causing me to gasp softly. When he peered down at me with such an ardent desire, I had to part my lips to catch my breath. I set my hands on his firm chest to keep me upright on my suddenly shaky legs. Feeling him through his thin plaid shirt did nothing to ease my unstable heartbeat either. It had been so long since I felt his skin beneath my hands, and I yearned to give in to my need to do so.
He hummed, and the sound was deep as if coming from the back of his throat. “Paige?”