Kiss My Ash

by Leddy Harper

  Luckily, when I stepped out of the car, Dad was too busy looking at me to see the smile on Kristy’s face, and before I had the bags out of the back seat, he had already started to head my way, walking away from the woman who had consumed my every thought.

  He met me at the hood of our cars where he grabbed the handle of his suitcase and then followed me to the front door. “I didn’t know you had gone anywhere.”

  I glanced to the right just in time to see Kristy round the corner into her garage. “Yeah, I’m building a center island for a kitchen, so I needed a few things. I didn’t call because I figured you were on the plane and wouldn’t be able to answer.”

  “That’s fine. I was just surprised to pull up and not see your car.”

  “How long have you been home?” I wanted to know what he and Kristy had talked about, though I didn’t want to flat out ask and make him question why I was so interested.

  “Maybe two minutes. Enough time to meet the hot neighbor. Have you met her yet?”

  “Uh, yeah. She was moving in when I got back from Mom’s house.” I tried to sound nonchalant, like it had slipped my mind until now. “Was this the first time you’ve seen her? She’s been here for almost a month.”

  “I knew someone had moved in, and yes, this was the first time I’ve seen her. But since you seem to know more than I do…any chance you could tell me if she’s married?”

  I balled my hand into a fist at my side, hating that I couldn’t do anything about it. “I haven’t seen anyone, but she has a kid—her daughter’s sixteen.”

  Without another word, he nodded and took his suitcase to his room. I used the opportunity to go to the garage and text Kristy.

  Me: Did you have a good chat with my dad??

  Kristy: Sounds like someone might be a little jealous…

  Me: If I was…what would you do to make me feel better?

  Just then, a picture of her cleavage came through, and that was all I needed to assure me that I had nothing to worry about.

  * * *

  Dad stayed home for almost a week. Thankfully, he hadn’t made another attempt to talk to Kristy. Yet that didn’t mean I’d had any opportunities to, either.

  Considering she never got home before five thirty during the week, I couldn’t see her during the day. That meant the only communication we really had was over the phone at night. Between Emma being home that weekend, and my dad hanging around the house, I was lucky if I got to see her face through a window.

  However, that had given me lots of time to plan a date.

  It probably wasn’t the smartest idea, but I figured if I played it safe, we wouldn’t get caught. It was a Friday night, so she didn’t have to get up in the morning for work, and it was a weekend Emma wouldn’t be home. If I didn’t take this opportunity, another wouldn’t arise for two more weeks. And I couldn’t wait that long.

  “Tonight has been nice, Ash.” Kristy had her fingers laced through mine as we wandered through the parking lot to my car. “But I still don’t understand why we had to come so far away from home just to have dinner.”

  I smiled to myself and continued to lead her away from the building. In order to answer her so she could hear me, I turned my head to the side and spoke over my shoulder. “A customer told me they had delicious food here.”

  That wasn’t necessarily a lie—someone had given me the name to this place, but that hadn’t been my reason for driving almost sixty miles to have dinner. She didn’t need the entire truth behind my decision.

  “Well, they weren’t wrong. The food was amazing…and the bartenders were very liberal with the alcohol.” Her giggle drifted through the air and wrapped me in comforting warmth. “You could’ve ordered something more than water, you know. One drink wouldn’t have hurt.”

  “It’s not worth the risk.” That was the same excuse I’d given when she had ordered her first cocktail, as well as when she’d asked for a refill. Being the designated driver was a good reason to stick with water, and it kept me from having to admit that seventeen-year-olds couldn’t order from the bar.

  I came to a stop next to my car and clicked the unlock button on the key fob. But when I grabbed the handle, ready to open the door and let her in, she released my fingers and fisted the side of my shirt. And when I turned toward her, she seized the opportunity to take hold of the other side.

  It was no secret that alcohol made Kristy brazen.

  She leaned against the side of the car and pulled me into her body, and I went willingly. This was a dangerous game, and if I weren’t careful, we could both end up losers. But she made me weak, especially when she stared up at me with such vulnerability in her eyes.

  I knew what she wanted, and while I couldn’t give it to her, I refused to see the rejection cross her face again. We’d gotten into an easy groove over the last couple of weeks, so it was natural for her to expect more from me now—especially after taking her on a date. Except, the issue still remained whether she was aware of it or not. Which prevented me from tasting her lips like I had dreamed of every night since meeting her.

  Instead, I settled my hands on her hips and leaned into her, lowering my head to the side of her face. I buried my nose in her hair, filled my lungs with her scent, and mumbled, “Soon, babe. I promise.”

  Her huff heated my neck, though I could tell it was more out of frustration than anger. “Why, Ash? I’m starting to think you’re doing this on purpose.”

  With a low rumble of laughter, I pulled my face away and asked, “And what purpose would that be, Kris?”

  “To make me beg?” She shrugged, yet she never dropped her gaze. “To see how badly I want you? I don’t know, Ash…why don’t you tell me the reason we have to wait so damn long. I’m not asking you to fuck me in the parking lot—although at this point, I doubt I’d stop you if you tried. All I’m looking for is a little affection. Something.”

  I gripped her hips tighter and pressed my body to hers, pinning her against the car. “This is all I can give you right now. I’m sorry if it’s not enough.”

  Kristy dropped her forehead to my chest and pulled in a deep breath. When she released it, her shoulders fell, and then she pulled away and found my eyes again. “I just want to know why. You said you wanted to get to know me…well, you have. What more do you need?”

  This was not something to discuss in a parking lot at night, regardless that we were alone. I’d been well aware from the beginning that I could only pull this off for so long, and that at some point, I would need to come up with a better excuse. I guess I’d expected her to find out the truth before that happened. However, I couldn’t complain that she hadn’t discovered my age yet, which meant it was time for my backup plan.

  I slid my palm along her cheek and threaded my fingers through her hair. Lowering my face so that our foreheads touched, I whispered, “Let’s talk about that on the way home. Okay?”

  When she nodded, I forced myself to drop my hand and open her door. The last thing I wanted was to add space between us or make this night end sooner, but I didn’t have a choice. She’d twisted my arm by demanding an answer, and I could only pray that it was something she’d accept as the truth.

  After I had her in the seat and the door closed, I rounded the car with my heart in my throat. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an excuse to offer, just that I wasn’t sure how she’d take it, and the thought of pushing her away created an ache in the center of my chest. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, so I was lost at how to cope with it.

  Silence filled the cab once I slid behind the steering wheel and started the engine. I hated it, considering we never seemed to struggle with words—especially over the last two weeks. Whether it was over texts, calls, or we were face to face, conversation always flowed easily. Most of the time, they were dirty and described what I couldn’t wait to do to her physically, but that wasn’t always the case. Now, I would give anything just to hear her breathe if it meant it would take away the uncomfortable quietness that h
ad enveloped us.

  As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot, I reached over the console and grabbed her hand, lacing our fingers together. It was enough to command her attention, drawing her out of whatever thoughts had consumed her—likely alcohol induced.

  “I hate to say this, Kristy, but I’m not sure how else to explain it.” I waited to continue until I could feel her eyes on me. “You told me once about how you got pregnant with Emma, that you were too wrapped up in how much you liked sex to contemplate what could happen.”

  “Yeah…” she prodded, which helped ease the struggle of getting this out.

  Just because this wasn’t the number one reason to wait didn’t make it any less valid. “Well, I guess I want to make sure we don’t make the same mistake again.” Feeling her tense, I squeezed her hand and glanced away from the road long enough to look at her. “You aren’t the only one who has thrown caution to the wind for the sake of doing something that felt good.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Even though I knew this was something I needed to share with her, that didn’t make it easy to get out. My indiscretions made me who I was, and considering she’d shared hers, it was only right that I did the same.

  “When I was fifteen, my mom kicked me out and made me live with my dad.”

  “Oh,” she whispered, offering me a break before having to elaborate on the rest. “For some reason, I assumed you’ve always lived with him.”

  “Nah. He and my mom split when I was seven. He moved here, and I stayed with her. When I was thirteen, my mom married a douchebag who made my life a living hell. I hated being around him, so I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I did shit I never should’ve, especially that young, and I ended up getting kicked out.”

  “What was so wrong with your stepdad?”

  I took in a deep breath and answered as honestly as possible. “He married my mom after dating her for like three months. I’d barely spent any time with the guy before he moved in, so I didn’t even have a chance to form an opinion about him. Anyway, he was aware that my dad was never around, which he made a point to bring up any chance he could—he’d never met my father, yet he had some really foul things to say about him. And within a week of marrying my mom, he took it upon himself to play the role of my dad.”

  By now, she’d shifted in her seat, facing me as if she hung onto my every word. “What do you mean?”

  “When Mom wasn’t around, he would almost bully me into calling him Dad, which I refused to do. I mean…just because mine wasn’t around much didn’t mean I didn’t have one. Not to mention, I didn’t know this guy, and I was thirteen. It wasn’t like I was a little kid or anything.” Just talking about it made my blood boil all over again.

  “I can’t imagine anyone making Emma call them Dad.”

  “Right? It’s fucked up. But it was worse than just that. He used to tell my mom I was jealous that there was another man in her life, and that I was doing everything I could to get rid of him. It was all such bullshit, but it’s the reason I never wanted to be around him. That’s when I started finding ways to stay out or reasons not to be home. Unfortunately, that’s how I ended up in the back of police cruiser the night before I landed on my dad’s doorstep.”

  “Wait, what? You were arrested? What’d you do?”

  Thank God for the lack of lighting in the car. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle looking into her eyes while explaining this. I’d wanted to share it with her over the phone, where I wouldn’t have to see her expression or read the judgment on her face, but that plan fell apart when she nearly forced me to validate my “reason” to wait before getting physical with her.

  “That’s a trick question, Kristy. I mean, I did a lot, but my mom never knew about most of it. She found weed in my room once. I told her I hadn’t smoked it, which was why I still had it, and for some reason, she believed me. And there were a couple of times I woke up hungover, although she never had proof that I was out drinking the night before, so she didn’t do anything about that, either.”

  “And your stepdad didn’t have anything to say about any of it?”

  I laughed and flicked the blinker without ever letting go of her hand. “He wanted me to take a drug test, but Mom told him that would only cause bigger issues and likely make me act out even more. I think he finally gave up arguing and just decided to let me dig my own grave.”

  “So, what did you do that got you arrested?”

  “I got pulled over for drunk driving.”

  “You got a DUI?” Shock flooded her question as she leaned forward, her spine ramrod straight.

  Even without seeing her, I could bet that she stared at me with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, which was precisely why I hadn’t wanted to tell her this to her face.

  “Technically, but I was never charged. My uncle’s a detective with the sheriff’s department; if it weren’t for him saving my ass, I would’ve been thrown in jail. Maybe I should’ve been, who knows. By the time I woke up the next morning, my mom had my bags packed and waiting by the front door. I was at my dad’s before dinnertime that night.”

  After falling back into her seat, she cleared her throat and said, “Sounds like you got lucky.”

  Coming to a red light, I turned my head and chanced a glance at her, wondering how in the hell this could’ve gone so well when I had worried so much about it. More than anything, I saw intrigue in her eyes as she stared back at me—no judgment or condemnation like I’d expected.

  I smiled while stroking her thumb with mine. “Not really. In order to keep an eye on me, my dad had to stop traveling, which didn’t make him happy. He ended up losing contracts because he couldn’t keep up with the onsite evaluations. I was pretty much on house arrest, and my prison guard was an irate father. To make matters worse, he had cameras everywhere—inside and out. I literally had no privacy.”

  “How long did that last? Until you were eighteen?”

  Oh…if only she knew.

  “Uh, no. He stayed home for a year, and when I stopped giving him such a hard time, he started taking more onsite jobs, but he was never gone for more than one night at a time. He still had me under constant surveillance, as well as tracking my phone, so it wasn’t like I could’ve even done anything if I had wanted to. Eventually, I earned his trust, and he returned to work the way he had prior to me moving in. But that wasn’t until after I turned seventeen.”

  Kristy covered the top of my hand with hers and lightly grazed my wrist with her nails “What does he do? For work, I mean.”

  “He has his own consulting business, assessing the sterilization techniques at hospitals and then helping them improve where he sees fit.”

  “Oh.” If she knew this had happened two and half years ago instead of the five or so she assumed, her reaction might’ve been different. “So then why didn’t you move back in with your mom when he started traveling more?”

  “My stepdad.” That was the easiest way to explain, but after her open acceptance of all I’d told her, I decided to elaborate. “After talking about it with both of my parents, they agreed that if I lived with my mom and her husband, there was a chance I’d fall into old habits again.” I shrugged and continued the drive home on the nearly empty road. “Mom wasn’t happy, but she understood, and by that point, I think my dad just wanted me to get through high school without landing in any more trouble.”

  “It must’ve worked if you still live with him.”

  Even though nothing I’d said had been a lie, I still felt like shit having deceived her. “In all honesty, coming here was a blessing in disguise. I’m pretty sure the outcome would’ve been something far worse than a DUI had I not moved when I did.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  My throat closed, but I wouldn’t let that stop me from opening up to her. I only hoped this wouldn’t backfire once she discovered my real age. “I smoked a lot of pot—at least once a day—but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I was no stranger to coke, and
mollies were my drug of choice on the weekends when my friends had parties. I’ve tried acid and took Oxys when I had them.”

  “Oh my God,” she whispered, covering her lips with her fingers. But rather than cast judgment like I had expected her to, she said, “That makes me worry for Emma. I don’t think she’s doing anything like that, but I guess kids do lots of things that would shock their parents if they ever found out. And it’s not just her…I’m paranoid that her friends or boyfriend might be into this stuff, and she’ll get caught in the crossfire if something goes wrong.”

  I so badly wanted to ease her mind. Emma didn’t even drink at parties, and I knew this because I’d heard Thomas tell enough stories during class that I might as well have been there. As for anyone else Emma hung around, the worst of them was more than likely Tori—and her issue wasn’t drug related. Nope, that girl just enjoyed riding dick.

  But I couldn’t tell her any of that without giving myself away.

  Instead, I quickly looked at her and smiled, hoping she could see it in the dim lighting of the dashboard. “I’m pretty sure if there was something to worry about, you’d know. But anyway, I told you all this because I wanted you to understand that I’m no stranger to acting on impulse.”

  “So you’re saying you can’t kiss me because you got in trouble for driving drunk when you were fifteen?” She shot up in the seat and leaned over the console. “Wait…how in the world did you have a car if you couldn’t legally drive?”

  I couldn’t stop the humor from rumbling out. It was enough to let me know that I hadn’t dug my own grave, even though I still held the shovel. “Uh, none of what I did that night was legal, Kristy. I had a learner’s permit, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know how to drive.”

  She was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, “Why are you laughing?”