by Leddy Harper
“I’m great, couldn’t be better. Thanks for checking on me.” I took a step back to close the door, but she blocked it by following me, moving into the entrance so I couldn’t shut her out. “You shouldn’t be here. Emma will be home any minute, and if she sees you…” I shook my head, refusing to finish my thought. The words weren’t needed. We both understood the consequences of Emma catching her at my house.
“Let me help you with that.” She lifted her finger, motioning to my face, and then pushed me aside as she invited herself into my home. “Where do you keep a first-aid kit?”
I didn’t move from the entryway, nor did I close the door. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
“I’m sure you are. Just like you took care of yourself today with Thomas.” Stopping at the end of the front hallway, she turned and flitted her hand in the air, rolling her wrist as if gesturing to some obscure object. “By the way, how did that come about? What would possess you to hit him? Of all people, why Emma’s boyfriend? I thought the two of you were friends.”
“We are. In fact, he’s coming over later to play X-Box.”
She clearly wasn’t amused by my sarcasm.
“Emma didn’t tell you what happened?”
“No.” She shook her head, dropped her arm, and continued into the house on her own.
Realizing I stood in the open doorway in vain, I slammed it shut and followed her into the kitchen. She hadn’t been inside many times, and of those, they were almost always spent in my bedroom. So it came as a surprise when she knew exactly where to look to find the bandages and antiseptic cleansers—keeping them above the sink must’ve been a parent thing.
She amazed me by effortlessly switching the roles we had grown accustomed to in our relationship. For as long as we’d known each other, I’d taken the lead and she followed. Now, she controlled the situation, guiding me to a chair at the kitchen table to tend to my wounds. Without batting an eye, she took charge. Although, if I’d thought about it beforehand, I would’ve realized this was her natural role—the nurturing mother.
We’d spent so long hiding from Emma that I’d hardly seen the two of them interact, and never with her in this position. What should’ve turned me off did the opposite. I found myself attracted to her even more, drawn to her caring, attentive, maternal side. It kept me from protesting or pushing her away. It also caused my palms to burn for her touch, my arms to ache for her embrace, and my heart to yearn for the beat of hers.
I closed my eyes as she dabbed a wet cloth to the side of my mouth, ignoring the sting of disinfectant against the cut. But after a few seconds, I no longer needed to ignore it, because her voice acted as Novocain when she asked, “Are you going to tell me why you hit Thomas?”
“No.”
“Okay…is it fair to assume it had to do with me?”
“You can assume whatever you want.” I realized I was being difficult, yet I couldn’t bring myself to admit what Thomas had said. To do that, I’d have to tell her that Emma had told at least him, if not others, about the two of us, which would leave her in a tailspin of panic, and likely, anger as well. It was easier to be defiant than to knock her world off its axis.
She huffed, her exhale bathing the side of my face in her irritation. “Does he know about us? Did Emma tell him, and that’s why you hit him?”
For a moment, I contemplated telling her the truth, but then I decided against it. Instead, I opened my eyes, found her studying my face, and then settled my hands on her hips while shifting her directly in front of me. Her breath hitched as she moved to stand between my legs, holding onto my shoulders to steady herself.
It was wrong of me to do, to distract her this way, but it was my only option.
“One of these days, when Emma’s out of the house with a family of her own, you’re going to look back at this moment…at me and what we had together. You’ll ask yourself if you made the right choice, if you gave me up for the right reasons.”
“Ash…”
“Please know that you did. I don’t blame you—if anything, I respect the hell out of you for doing the right thing. As hard as it is, and as much as it hurts, I can’t help but love you even more for choosing your daughter. Hopefully, you’ll think of me and understand that all I wanted was to give you everything. I wanted to love you the way you were meant to be loved. I wanted to cherish you and put you first, exactly where you deserve to be in someone else’s life.”
“Don’t…” A sob caught in her throat as she blinked away a tear. It was just one, but it was enough to drown me in the sorrow that filled it. “Don’t say that. Please, don’t do this.”
She didn’t want to hear the truth, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. I needed to make her see that she would be okay. She didn’t need to worry about me. And if that meant I had to tell her how I felt, then I would give that to her and then lick my wounds later.
“I’m the one who fucked up, Kristy. I didn’t take the consequences seriously. I didn’t understand how much this would impact Emma, or what it would do to your relationship with her. And because of that, I lost the first woman I ever loved. I fell for someone I was never meant to keep…and that’s not something you should ever carry the burden of.”
Another tear slipped free, and it took everything in me not to reach up and wipe it away. I had to force myself to keep my hands on her hips and not pull her closer. Not fall into her or rest my head against her chest, just to hear her heartbeat one more time.
“You taught me so much—about life, about me, about love and being in love. I’ll never regret a single moment of having you. Just promise me you won’t, either. Promise me you’ll see the value in our relationship, and then move forward knowing you’re worth the sun and the moon and the stars…and everything in between.”
She stepped away, out of my hold, until my hands fell to my lap. Turning away, she sniffled. Her hands furiously fought to dry her cheeks, wiping away the pain that leaked from her eyes. Yet the more she tried to hide, the more her back shuddered with grief, giving her away.
I pulled myself from the chair and moved to stand behind her. Placing my hands on her shoulders, I lowered my lips to her neck, just to breathe her in once more. Lifting my head enough to bring my mouth to her ear, I whispered, “In the moments we feel like we’re about to break is when we find out just how resilient we truly are. And once it passes, we move on stronger and wiser. You’re not weak, babe. Quite the opposite. So don’t allow yourself to feel like you’re going to break, because if either of us crumbles, it won’t be you.”
“Ash…” She turned, wrapping her arms around my torso and burying her face into my chest.
I pressed a kiss to the top of her head and gave myself ten seconds to memorize this moment. Then I pulled her arms free, hating everything about this, wishing I could change it. “You need to go before Emma comes home. Staying will only make it worse.”
This time, it was her turn to step away with downcast eyes, and then walk to the door while I remained frozen in place in the kitchen. It was her turn to leave me without another word, without a goodbye or promises of seeing each other later.
Yet no matter who walked out, no matter what house we were at, it still left me with a gaping hole in my chest, a useless heart, and an ache that would never go away without her.
Chapter Eleven
Kristy
Emma’s car was in the driveway as I left Ash’s house, though she was nowhere to be found. I had no idea how long she’d been home—or even how long I was with Ash. But if she thought I’d continue to allow her to have the upper hand…she had another thing coming.
She was in the kitchen when I walked inside. Her hands moved, spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread, while she tracked my every step toward her with a cynical, contemptuous stare. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she mumbled under her breath.
What she didn’t expect, though, was to be met with my retaliation. I tossed my keys onto the counter with a harsh c
lunk and then leaned into the wooden top of the island, directly across from where she stood. I leveled her with my sober gaze, daring her to call my bluff.
At least she heeded the warning and didn’t speak.
“You’ve had your time, now it’s over. If you want to be mad at me…go for it. If you disapprove of who I’m with…I can’t stop you. But none of that gives you the right to tell others about what I do in the privacy of my own home. Understood?”
She was quiet for a moment, yet I should’ve recognized that as the calm before the storm. “If you’re so ashamed of it, why do it? Clearly, you know it was wrong; otherwise, you wouldn’t have felt the need to hide. And you wouldn’t be so pissed if others knew.”
“How about you stay on topic here—the fact that you went around sharing my business with other people. This isn’t about what I did. It’s not about my relationship with Ash or what we did behind closed doors. It’s about your blatant lack of respect by sharing personal information about me with your friends.”
“Oh, come on, Mom. You make it sound like I got on the intercom at school and told everyone. The only people who know are Tori and Thomas.”
I fisted my hands, pressed my white knuckles into the countertop, and took a deep breath to calm myself. “And you think they won’t say anything? Apparently, Thomas did, which earned the three of you a trip to the principal’s office. I had to be called away from work to come deal with the fallout of what he said to Ash. So don’t stand there and act like telling two people is no big deal.”
“Does this mean you’ve decided to be with him? He throws a couple punches, gets a little scratched up, and you fall at his feet again? Mom, I’ve seen girls at school throw themselves at him. It’s embarrassing that my own mother would do the same.”
“No. I already told you…what we had is over. You’ve made it very clear how you feel about it, and you won. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stand back and let you ruin my credibility because you’re angry. And it doesn’t mean I’ll continue letting you treat me like you run this show. It seems I’ve been a little too lenient on you over the years, and now you’ve forgotten your role. In case you need reminding…I’m the mother. You’re the child.”
“Why am I getting reprimanded when you were the one caught naked with a high school student? You’ve done nothing but lecture me about how I should treat sex like a lifelong commitment, and the only way anyone will respect me is if I respect myself—my body included. Yet it doesn’t seem like you practice what you preach, does it?”
I gave up. Not on the fight, but on my restraint.
“This is how it’s going to go…ready? You’re going to go to your father’s for your weekend with him, and when you come back, you’ll do so with a little more tact and a lot less attitude. You’ll come home with the understanding that I’m the adult, and as such, you won’t speak to me in this manner and get away with it. I don’t owe you anything—not an explanation, not a discussion, nothing. I’ve given you enough, and I’m done. The level of disrespect you’ve shown me is disgusting, and I refuse to deal with it any longer.”
“Fine. Then maybe I’ll just stay at Dad’s.”
“If that’s what you want, then I can’t stop you. Just keep in mind that if you do, that means you’ll have to go to a different school for your senior year, because he doesn’t live in this district. And I won’t use my address just to keep you there with your friends.”
“You’d really make me transfer in my last year?”
I ran my palms against the smooth, hard wood and leaned forward. “I didn’t graduate high school, because making sure you were taken care of was more important than my diploma. I never went to college; I couldn’t do that, work to pay the bills, and raise you at the same time. It took me sixteen years to buy a house, just so you had a stable place to live and come home to during breaks from school, because every penny I’ve ever earned has gone to you. And now, I’ve given up the one person I’ve ever been in love with, all because you can’t stand the fact that he’s eighteen. I’ve sacrificed everything for you, and not once have I ever asked for anything in return. So don’t you dare act like I’m the selfish one for saying you’ll have to change schools if you decide to leave me to live with your father.”
The words spilled out without an ounce of forethought. It wasn’t until I took a breath that I even grasped what I had said. I’d never wanted to throw in her face the things I’d done for her; they were selfless acts. Nothing a parent did for their child should ever be used as a weapon against them, yet I’d inadvertently done just that. I’d only meant to put things into perspective for her, make her realize I wasn’t the heartless person she made me out to be.
But what shocked me the most was what I’d said about Ash.
The truth that I’d denied myself for months.
It came out as if I’d said those words a hundred times.
The one person I’ve ever been in love with.
I clearly needed a moment before I found myself groveling at her feet, begging her to forgive me. While she deserved my apology for wielding my sacrifices around like a double-edged sword meant to slay her into submission, giving her that would only reinstate her theory that she held all the power.
Taking a step away, I regained control of my breathing and steadied my voice to say, “Go to your father’s for the weekend. I’ll see you on Sunday. If you decide you want to live with him, we can discuss it later. For right now, I think it’s best if we leave things the way they are, without making any decisions out of anger or spite. We’ve both said and done things that have hurt the other, and if we have any hope to rebuild and move forward, we both need the time to settle down.”
I didn’t need to wait for her approval, yet I did so anyway. And as soon as she offered me a solemn nod, I turned and headed to my room, closing the door behind me so she wouldn’t see me break down. I then went to the bathroom, turned on the water in the shower, and sat on the toilet lid with my face in my hands, breathing through my sobs so she wouldn’t hear me fall apart.
Ash had told me I wouldn’t crumble.
Yet that’s exactly what I did.
* * *
An entire weekend home alone had allowed me a lot of time to think—mostly about my feelings for Ash, as well as what he’d said in his kitchen while I attempted to clean his wound. He loved me. And I loved him.
But my daughter would never accept it.
And because of that, I couldn’t have him. Not if it came at the cost of driving a wedge between Emma and me. She was all I had. My family had pretty much turned their backs on me after I’d gotten pregnant, and ever since then, it’d been the two of us.
When I bought this house, I had high hopes that it would give her stability. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect living here would tear us apart. Granted, I couldn’t blame the house. And in truth, I couldn’t even blame Ash. I’d been the one who fell for him, possibly before he ever turned eighteen—not by choice.
Had Will not been home this weekend, I might’ve given in and gone to see him. My heart still ached for Ash, and I doubted I’d ever find someone who could make me feel the way he did. I was a fool to believe we could keep things strictly physical. I was a stupid, stupid girl for ignoring the signs from the start.
It was like racing down a highway with warnings of the road closed ahead, seeing them, yet telling myself I would exit the interstate before that happened. And now, I was stuck, buried beneath the wreckage of my stupidity, bleeding out without a single person around to save me.
The only way Emma would help was if I agreed never to get behind the wheel again—or at the very least, never travel down that same road. And while I was willing to do those things for her, it killed me every time I thought about how that highway made me feel…carefree, unafraid to live and chase what made me happy.
“So, does this mean you’ve decided to stay here?” I asked her after she returned on Sunday. It would be an understatement to say things were str
ained, and talking to her felt much like walking on broken glass.
She glanced away, eyes squinted as if she had to give my question deep consideration before responding. Finally, she shrugged, yet she didn’t bother to cast her gaze my way before speaking. “I would like to, but if I’m being honest, I’m still very confused about everything.”
“Like what? Maybe talking about it might help.” It wouldn’t, but it was worth a shot.
“On Friday, you told me he’s the only guy you’ve ever loved.” Swinging her attention to me once more, she pinned me against the couch with the intensity of her stare. “Is that true? Did you really feel that way about him?”
I wanted to correct her and tell her I still did, but that wouldn’t get me very far, so I kept my opinion to myself. “Yes, Emma. I know you think I’m going through some mid-life crisis or something, but I’m not.”
“I guess I just don’t understand how or why you’d even get involved with someone his age. Like how does that even happen?”
This was the part she needed to know, yet until now, I hadn’t been able to explain. Not because I wasn’t sure how, but because she hadn’t given me the chance. All she knew was what she saw when she’d entered my room without knocking—something that would definitely change from here on out. It was easy to infer a number of things based on the compromising position we were in plus our ages. However, none of those conclusions would come close to the truth.
“For a while, I was under the impression he was older. I made the mistake of assuming he was in his twenties, and he kept the truth from me for about a month. By the time I found out, I’d already—”
“Ew…gross, Mom. I don’t want to hear the disgusting details.”
“No. That’s just it, Emma. Ash and I spent months without ever touching. We talked, we shared things, we got to know each other. Even when I thought he was older, he kept the lines clear in the forefront of his mind, never blurring them or taking advantage of the fact that I didn’t even know there were lines. We never did anything wrong.”