“Hey,” he said coolly, as if I’d been expecting him.
“What are you doing here?” There was no anger in my tone. My voice had kicked in to its Chuck default setting: passive and meek.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
“Um . . . okay.”
He loped into the living room and I shut the door behind him. Seamus started growling. His snout twitched, revealing his toothpick-thin fangs, and his whole body vibrated.
“Aw, man,” Chuck said, laughing. “They’re making you live with some spaz dog?”
“He’s my dog,” I corrected.
I picked up Seamus and carried him, still snarling, onto the balcony. My limbs felt heavy and floppy, as if I were moving under water. And I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d slipped into some alternate reality.
“So, what are you doing here?” I asked again as I walked back toward Chuck.
“I came to see you,” he said with a grin. “You look great, by the way.”
My face flushed automatically. Dammit! I thought. What the hell is he doing to me?
His smile widened as he noticed my reaction. “How’ve you been?” he asked, taking a step closer.
How have I been? It was such an odd question. So much had happened in the past few weeks, I didn’t know what to say. I still couldn’t even believe Chuck was right there in front of me.
I was about to give a standard nonanswer, like “fine,” when another knock sounded. In a daze, I walked over to the front door and pulled it open.
“Hi!” Matt stood on the landing, grinning at me. “You look great. Ready to go?”
“Uhhhhh . . .” I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything but stand there gripping the doorknob like a lifeline.
Matt looked past me and saw Chuck. His back stiffened and his smile washed away. “Oh . . . hey.”
“Hey,” Chuck said, lifting his chin at him.
Their eyes locked for a moment. I fought the urge to tiptoe down the staircase and race out of the condo, back to some place that made sense.
“Um, Matt?” I said, rediscovering my voice. “This is Chuck. Chuck, Matt.”
They smiled stiffly at each other. Chuck took a swaggering step toward me and folded his arms across his chest.
“Hey, uh . . . why don’t I meet you at the park later?” Matt said. I could read confusion and disappointment in his eyes.
“O-okay,” I stammered, feeling a big swooping sensation behind my ribs. I really didn’t want him to leave, but I had no idea what to say. How could I explain things to him when I didn’t understand them myself?
He pursed his lips and gave me one last nod before ambling back to his condo.
“Who was that?” Chuck asked when I shut the door. His tone was slightly sharp, almost accusatory, and I felt guilty in spite of myself.
“He’s . . .” I paused. Was there a one-word classification for Matt? If so, I couldn’t think of it. And even if I could, I probably wouldn’t want to tell Chuck. “He lives next door.”
My numbness was starting to wear off and crude emotions came bubbling to the surface. I stared into Chuck’s Ken-doll face and felt the old hurt and longing and anger. “Why are you really here?” I asked testily.
His sapphire eyes grew big and round. “I just wanted to talk to you about stuff. About us.”
Various feelings jostled inside me, all trying to assert themselves. “I don’t know . . .”
Just then, the door flew open and Christine entered the condo, followed closely by Robot. Each one carried a McDonald’s bag.
“Hey,” Christine said, looking surprised. “How goes it?”
“Hi, guys,” I said wearily. “This is Chuck.”
“Aw, man. I know you.” Chuck walked over to Robot and held out his hand. “You’re in New Bile, right?”
Robot puffed up slightly and grabbed Chuck’s palm with his free hand, pumping it up and down. “That’s right, mate. You a fan?”
“Yeah! I caught you guys last fall at the Hot Spot. You were awesome!”
“Thanks.” Robot beamed at me. “Katie, your friend here is bloody brilliant. Where’ve you been hiding him?”
He and Christine walked over to the coffee table and set their food down. Chuck followed at their heels, practically genuflecting.
“Man, I’ve been telling everyone about you,” Chuck went on. “Told them you’d be huge. Didn’t I, Katie? Didn’t I say that?”
“You said that,” I muttered.
“Then we owe this bloke,” Robot said, plopping on the couch and digging a bagel sandwich out of his bag. “We should get him into our next gig.”
“Aw, man. That’d be awesome!” Chuck cheered.
“You could come with Katie,” Robot added through a mouthful of food. “She’s our good-luck charm.”
Chuck smiled at me. “Yeah, she’s great.”
“Hey, I know!” Christine exclaimed. “What are you doing today? You want to come out with us to the music fest?”
I flashed her a bug-eyed warning look, but Christine didn’t see it.
“What do you think?” she asked Robot. “We’ve got room in the van.”
“Sure thing, love,” Robot said. “Whatever you say.”
“Dudes! That is so cool!” Chuck cried. “Isn’t that cool, Katie?” He looked over at me, smiling broadly.
“Yeah. Great.”
“Jesus, Katie. I’m sorry. I had no idea he was the jerk who dumped you.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t!”
“Really, Christine. I can deal.”
We were already at the campgrounds, sitting on an itchy blue blanket Kinky had brought and listening to an amazing bluegrass band. While the guys played Hacky Sack nearby, I filled Christine in on what happened that morning before she came home. Seamus lay between us, keeping a close eye on Chuck, an occasional rumbling rising up inside him.
“So . . . you think Matt will show up?” she asked cautiously. “Or did he just say that to get the hell out of there?”
I shook my head, tracing my finger along the satin edge of the blanket. “I don’t know,” I said glumly.
“You should have told me you’d invited him. Then I wouldn’t have been so accommodating to Johnny Bravo over there.”
“I didn’t get a chance. You guys were out last night and he showed up first thing this morning.” I watched Chuck bounce the Hacky Sack on the inner part of his Nikes and frowned. “It’s weird, you know. He probably had to get up pretty early to make it here before nine. He would have never done that for me while we were dating.”
“What’s up with that, you think?”
“Beats me. Guess I’ll find out.” I’d reached the acceptance phase. We were here. Things were already in play. Now I just wanted to ride it out as quickly and smoothly as possible.
I still had no answer from Chuck on why he was there. He’d spent most of the morning hanging with Robot, talking about New Bile and scarfing down the rest of his hash browns. Then later when we all piled into the van, it became clear that four of us couldn’t fit in the backseat and Robot suggested I ride on Chuck’s lap.
So for the entire drive, Christine held on to Seamus while I sat snuggled up against my ex-boyfriend. It was a bizarre experience. Horrifyingly awkward, but not entirely unpleasant either. I could smell the familiar scent of his cologne and feel the weight of his long arms around me. Snatches of memories replayed in my mind—many of them good. And I remembered how it used to be.
Of course, the ache of him dumping me was there too, looming like a giant monolith in the middle of my nostalgia. I spent the ride in a detached state. It seemed to last forever—made even longer by the many stops at fireworks stands, where the boys wanted to load up.
“He’s cute, you know,” Christine remarked as we watched the guys. “Not my type, but definitely hot. Like a soap opera star or something.”
“You think he’s my type?”
She peered closely at
me, as if X-raying me with her eyes. “Yeah. . . . No. . . . Maybe. When I first met you, this is exactly the kind of guy I would have pictured you with. But now . . . I don’t know.”
I heard Chuck’s familiar chuckle and saw him walking backward away from the guys. “Y’all go ahead,” he was saying. “I’m going to take a break.” He loped toward us and Seamus immediately jumped to his feet, growling like a revved hot rod.
“Down!” I ordered. “Stay!”
Chuck stopped at the edge of the blanket and bent forward, his hands on his knees. “Katie? Can I talk to you a sec?” he asked, eyeing Seamus cautiously.
“Uh . . . sure.” As I rose to my feet, I glanced over at Christine, who gave me a bolstering look.
“Be careful,” she mumbled.
Chuck, Seamus and I strolled alongside the lake, away from the noise of the festival. Since we’d arrived, the campground had filled up pretty fast. People, kids and dogs were milling around the different booths or sitting on colored blankets that were spread out in front of the stage like a gigantic, loose patchwork quilt. After walking several yards, we stopped beneath a lush pecan tree and plopped down on the grass.
For a while, we just sat there. Chuck threw rocks in the water and I nervously plucked blades of grass. Seamus stayed hunkered up against my side, like a little trembling, snarling outboard motor.
Eventually Chuck turned and stared at me.
“I know you’ve been mad,” he began.
My brow furrowed. Mad? No. Mad is how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic, or breaks your favorite bracelet, or makes you wait an hour while they do their hair. It doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions churned up when your boyfriend messes around with one of your friends and then breaks up with you on your birthday. Shattered, maybe. Depressed, definitely. But not just mad.
I bit my lip and let him continue.
“I was a real loser to do that to you. I guess I was just mad that you were coming here for the summer. I thought it made me look bad. Like you’d rather study than hang out with me.”
“Really?” I’d never heard Chuck talk this way before. He sounded kind of whiny.
“Yeah. I guess the thing with Trina was just me trying to get back at you.”
At the sound of Trina’s name, my back arched and my fingernails dug into my cargo pants.
“Anyway, I know it was a bad thing to do and I’m sorry,” he went on. “I’ve really missed you, you know. Me and you, we’re totally right for each other.” He hunched his shoulders and looked at me with a doleful expression. “You think maybe . . . we could get back together?”
I stared at him blankly. Again time seemed to tilt. For days I had dreamed he would say those exact words. But now that it was actually happening, it felt a little off—as if I weren’t me, and Chuck weren’t Chuck, and we’d accidentally slipped into some strangers’ skins and started reciting lines.
“I don’t know,” I said slowly.
“Aw, come on,” he said. “Is it Trina? Because she is totally yesterday. We aren’t even friends. And I promise, I swear, I won’t ever mess around again.”
I felt a slight charge. Once again, it was just what I wanted and needed to hear. I had my rep back. And now I could have my boyfriend back. This could be all over with.
But still I couldn’t quite get into the moment. “Please, Katie?” Chuck dipped toward me, his mouth curled in his trademark, sultry grin.
It was his secret weapon. That look and his husky voice. They had never, ever failed to work on me.
Until now. Looking at him, I felt stiff and embarrassed and even a little disgusted with myself—like when you hear a song on the radio that you used to be crazy about and realize it’s kind of cheesy and lame.
Chuck had lost all his luster. He had no power over me anymore. I no longer loved or hated him.
“Chuck,” I said, scooting closer. I wanted to let him down easy. After all, in a completely warped way, I was sort of grateful to him for breaking up with me. If he hadn’t let me go, I might not have realized that I didn’t really want him. Or I would have realized it too late.
But Chuck misinterpreted my forward movement. He reached out with his arms and started pulling me toward him, his face dipping toward mine in pre-make-out formation.
I was just about to pull away when Seamus came out of nowhere. He dove between us, barking at Chuck while pushing back against me, trying to wedge us apart with his little body.
“Stupid dog!” Chuck shouted, pushing Seamus with his right hand and slamming him onto his side.
Something popped inside me—like a grenade being unpinned—and everything went hot and loud.
“Don’t you dare hurt him!” I screamed, picking up Seamus and holding him against my chest.
“I—I’m sorry.” Chuck’s eyes were as wide as compact discs, and it occurred to me that he’d never seen me really mad before. “I thought he was going to bite me.”
“If you touch my dog again I’ll bite you myself!” I raged.
“Okay, okay. I’m really sorry,” he said again. He ducked his head and smiled sheepishly, trying to turn on the charm again.
But I was waaaaay past letting that work. “I can’t believe you,” I said angrily. “I can’t believe you would come down here and act like everything’s all better, just because you say so! After what you did!”
I must have been making a pretty sizable racket because people all around us were craning their heads and staring. Soon Christine, Robot, Lyle and Kinky ran over.
“What’s going on?” Christine asked, breathless from running.
“He—he pushed—” My anger was finally starting to subside, leaving me shaky and stammering.
“Did you hurt her?” Robot asked, getting right up in his face.
“Aw, dude. That’s uncool,” Lyle said in a menacing voice, stepping up beside Robot.
Kinky made fists and lined up beside his band-mates.
“No way!” Chuck shouted, staring at each of them. “I’d never hurt her. I just sort of pushed her dog!”
“Aw, dude. That’s uncool,” Lyle said again.
“You lousy liar!” Christine said, shoving her way through the line. “What do you mean you’d never hurt her? What do you call that asshole stunt you pulled on her birthday?”
Chuck opened his mouth as if to protest, then quickly shut it and stared down at his Nikes.
“Know what, lad?” Robot laid a heavy hand on Chuck’s shoulder. “I think you need to find a new ride home.”
Chuck stared into each of their set faces before slumping in defeat. He then turned and fixed me with an expression both hurt and wrathful. I met his eyes full on, still clutching Seamus against me and stroking his shaggy backside. Eventually Chuck broke off his gaze and walked away.
I watched as he slowly ambled off toward the parking lot. Most of his swagger was gone, and he looked kind of reedy and slight. Once again I was struck by the nothing I felt for him. Just a little pity, some residual, stinging anger, and a tiny pocket of warmth.
Chuck was leaving the park, but I knew he was also leaving my life. And that was okay.
Everything was going to be okay.
13
“He’s not coming, is he?”
“You never know,” Christine said as she tied back her raven tresses with a red scarf.
We were stretched out on the blanket with Seamus, listening to a pretty blonde play guitar and sing densely poetic songs in a birdlike voice. The guys were standing nearby, trying to get a better view.
After we chased off Chuck, I was in a whole new mental state. I felt lighter somehow. Unshackled. And with it came a new clarity of thought.
Unfortunately, the main thing I was able to deduce was that Matt was still not there and probably wouldn’t show at all.
“It’s not that late yet,” Christine went on.
“Yeah, right,” I mumbled. It was almost dusk. The sun was dipping behind the trees, and the sky had taken on a faint lilac
hue.
Yep. He wasn’t coming. Finding me tongue-tied with Chuck probably reeked something awful. And it was too much to ask that he would give me another chance. The guy had already forgiven countless temper tantrums and freak-outs; I couldn’t expect him to let anything else slide.
And then, just as the blond girl finished her set and was bowing to the crowd, I noticed someone pushing through the audience. Sleepy eyes . . . a wide, curvy mouth . . . wavy forelock tumbling across the brow—It was him!
I jumped to my feet. “Oh my God, Christine! He’s right over there!” I cried, keeping my eyes on him. Now that blondie was leaving the stage, people were scurrying everywhere, and I was afraid I might lose him in the crowd.
“Don’t just stand there! Go!” she said, giving me a little push on my leg.
“But Seamus—”
“I’ll watch him. Just go!”
“Thanks!” I bent over Seamus and gave him a little pat on the head. “Stay!” I ordered. “Be good!” Then I took off into the throng.
I veered through the tide of strolling, chatting people, keeping my eye on the top of Matt’s head. Eventually the masses parted enough to provide a full view.
“Matt! Over here!” I shouted, waving my arms.
He halted and turned slowly in place, glancing at the faces passing by. Finally he saw me. “Hey!” he said, his lips parting in a wide, moon-slice grin.
We walked toward each other, meeting in the middle.
“I’m so glad you came,” I said. I grabbed his arm and gave it a tiny squeeze.
His smile cocked sideways and he shook his head. “Man, the traffic was horrible. And when I got here, I couldn’t find a place to park.” He put his hand on my shoulder and slid it down my bare arm. “Sorry I’m late.”
“That’s okay,” I murmured, suddenly feeling short of breath.
“So, where’re the others?” he asked. His eyes darted around, scanning the field behind me.
“Over here. I’ll show you.” I grabbed his elbow and pulled him toward our blanket, trying not to skip with glee.
Suddenly a series of loud pops sounded nearby, startling me. I looked past Christine and saw Robot and the guys standing a few feet away, setting off firecrackers. A few more loud bangs went off, and the next thing I knew, Christine was yelling and waving her arms. Following her gaze, I could see Seamus racing away, with the leash trailing behind him.
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