Heart of Gold

by Fiona Palmer

  ‘Cheers. Bye.’

  CJ hung up, put her head in her hands and cursed.

  The moment CJ got out of the ute on Monday morning Irene knew something was up. Lindsay had grabbed his stuff and walked off, leaving CJ behind.

  ‘Morning, Lindsay.’

  ‘G’day, Irene. How ya going?’ he said on his way past.

  ‘Hey, Irene. How was your weekend?’ CJ asked a moment later.

  ‘Yeah, good. Got a heap of gardening done. How about you? How are the lessons going?’ Irene studied her carefully.

  ‘Um… they were fine, except for the rain stopping us Saturday arvo,’ CJ said dully. She could see the unanswered questions in Irene’s eyes but now was not the time. Lucky for her, Irene decided to let it slide.

  It wasn’t until lunchtime that CJ finally explained her problem. They sat against the shed, under the shade of a small tree with a pile of sandwiches on their laps. CJ was staring straight ahead, looking at the farmer’s dogs playing. One a kelpie and the other a corgi. Not what you’d expect to see on a farm but they were getting on playfully.

  ‘So how come there is tension between you two?’

  CJ could feel Irene’s gaze, watching and waiting. She turned to Irene and blurted out her torment.

  ‘I… um… slept with Lindsay on Saturday.’

  Irene tried not to let her jaw drop and kept the excitement from her voice. ‘Wow. So what’s the problem? Is he regretting it?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘No, I am. I don’t think he knows how to read me at the moment. I don’t know how to read myself.’

  Irene chuckled. ‘I’m not surprised. Maybe he really thought you’d be together now.’

  ‘Maybe, but what would he want with someone like me? I’m just a shedhand with a bucketload of problems.’

  Irene smiled. ‘You’ll never find out if you don’t give it a go. You might be just what he’s after. CJ, you have to ask yourself what it is you’re afraid of.’

  CJ turned towards her. ‘Afraid of?’

  ‘Are you afraid things are going to end like your other relationships? Are you scared he’s going to hurt you like your dad? I know trust is hard for you.’

  CJ squirmed and kicked her foot in the dirt. ‘What if… what if I like him and he doesn’t feel the same way? Irene, what if I’m just another girl for him? I’ll be left in a mess on the floor as usual.’ The hurt in her voice was raw.

  ‘Sweetheart, I don’t think Lindsay is one who will hurt you. Sure, he looked like the player type, but from what we’ve actually seen he seems to be a really genuine guy. Why don’t you give it a go?’

  ‘I don’t know. I can’t explain it.’ CJ sighed and stuffed the last bit of sandwich in her mouth.

  ‘Well, let’s look at it another way. Do you like him?’

  CJ nodded. ‘A lot.’

  ‘Was the sex great?’

  ‘Yeah, it was amazing… Look, I know what you’re getting at but still I’m scared of getting hurt.’

  ‘Have you told Lindsay?’

  CJ shook her head again and looked over towards Lindsay, who sat with Dave near the food table.

  ‘Take a leap of faith, CJ. Let him in. You could be missing out on something truly wonderful if you don’t. It can’t be much worse than it is now.’

  ‘But what if it all goes wrong? How could I survive?’

  Irene put her hand over CJ’s and gave it a squeeze. ‘You are stronger than you think. You should tell him how you feel.’

  CJ knew what Irene had said was the truth. On the ride home she decided to try to explain it to Lindsay. She owed him that much.

  ‘Hey, Linds, about Saturday…’ Now she had his attention. It was the most he’d given her all day. ‘I just got a little freaked out. I mean… gosh, this is hard.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘I know I’ve been a bit… off, but…’ CJ tapped her fingers on her leg as she thought of how to say it. ‘I do like you… a lot. I’m scared of where this is leading and what it means.’ She saw the confusion on his face.

  ‘I thought it was obvious that I want to be with you.’

  Oh God, it was harder than she thought. How could she tell him that she didn’t want to be traded in after a month? ‘I’m just not sure what I want. I’m so used to trying to protect my feelings because I’ve already got so much to deal with. You have to understand how much I don’t want to be hurt.’

  Lindsay put his hand on hers and she felt the warmth spread through her body.

  ‘I would never hurt you, CJ.’

  ‘I just need some time. Is that okay?’

  Lindsay smiled at her for the first time that day. ‘I’m not going anywhere. You’re worth waiting for,’ he said, giving her a wink.

  CJ breathed deeply, reassured by his words and glad that the discussion was over – and twice as happy that Lindsay appeared as his old self again.

  Moments later, he pulled into her drive.

  ‘See you tomorrow, Calamity,’ he said.

  Her body tingled and she returned a smile. ‘Will do, Slick.’

  She stood in the driveway and watched until he was out of sight before heading inside. Now she just had to sort out the billion thoughts in her head.

  20

  THE jukebox was pumping out INXS’s ‘Original Sin’ to a packed pub, and a few girls were dancing nearby. Lindsay, CJ, Irene and Paul sat at a corner table, their empty plates confirming the great pub meal they’d just enjoyed. They all leaned back in their chairs, stretching their bellies.

  ‘Do you think anyone would notice if I undid the button on my jeans?’ said CJ with a chuckle.

  Lindsay raised his eyebrows. ‘No complaints from me.’

  ‘Hmm, maybe another beer to wash it all down would help,’ sighed Paul.

  ‘I’ll second that,’ said Lindsay. ‘Who’s for another?’

  ‘Can I have a bourbon and Coke this time?’ asked Irene.

  ‘Me too,’ asked CJ.

  CJ watched the boys walk towards the bar. Lindsay’s denim shorts hugged his butt and his grey Rusty surf shirt wrapped around his wide shoulders perfectly. His blond hair looked like it had just been trimmed. She sighed, as if trying to abate her infatuation.

  ‘So, have you two got it together yet?’ asked Irene. She’d had her hair redone recently and no greys were noticeable in the blonde that was pinned up in a grab clip.

  CJ rolled her eyes. ‘He’s just giving me some space at the moment.’

  ‘So he hasn’t made a move?’

  ‘Nup. I think he’s waiting for me to decide.’

  ‘Better do it quick before someone else snaps him up,’ said Irene as she nodded her head towards the bar. CJ’s stomach turned when she noticed the pretty girl next to him. She was wearing a short, low-cut silvery dress. Her black high heels made her nearly the same height as Lindsay. She was every bit the girl CJ wasn’t. CJ could see her long, painted nails as she held her drink and sucked provocatively at the straw with her red lips. CJ glanced at her own short, chipped nails. She had on her favourite jeans and R M Williams boots with a simple black singlet that had a little diamante pattern on one side. Her hair, as usual, was up in a high ponytail. The other girl wore her silky, long hair loose with a bit pinned back by a sparkly clip. She was at the other end of the food chain, that was for sure.

  CJ saw Lindsay actually talking to her, and jealousy struck. Smack in the chest. Was he interested in her? She was undeniably gorgeous, and flirting with him like there was no tomorrow. CJ found she was actually holding her breath. The girl put her hand on his shoulder and said something into his ear but he gestured towards CJ. The girl shrugged her shoulders and walked back to her friends on the dance floor.

  CJ turned to Irene. ‘Hey, I’m just gonna get some fresh air.’

  ‘Okay, but if you’re not back in five, I’ll drink your bourbon!’ Irene said, laughing.

  CJ jumped up and headed out the back door. What was wrong with her? She slouched back against the brick wall, h
er chest heaving as she sucked in the cold night air. She’d been insanely jealous, that much was true. So much that she realised just how badly she wanted Lindsay. Right that minute she couldn’t think of anything else but him. What could hurt more than seeing him with someone else? Right there and then she knew she was prepared to risk her heart again.

  ‘Hey, are you okay?’ She heard Lindsay’s voice and opened her eyes.

  ‘Yeah.’ He stood in front of her, barely half a metre away, and gazed into her eyes.

  ‘I wasn’t interested in that girl, you know.’

  CJ’s heart fluttered in her chest and she could smell Lindsay’s alluring aftershave.

  ‘I told her I only had eyes for you.’ He swept a finger across her cheek.

  It was time. She couldn’t resist him any more. The heat from his eyes taunted her. Releasing her own restraint, she slipped her hand up to his chest and neck. She leaned forward and kissed him, pulling him closer. He groaned his pleasure. Their kisses were filled with the heat of two people who’d been denied the one thing they wanted most.

  Eventually he pulled back. ‘CJ?’

  ‘I’m all yours, if you still want me.’

  A smile spread across his face. His lips found hers again in a slower, more tender kiss.

  Reluctantly they let go of each other and walked back into the pub to join Irene and Paul.

  ‘So is it back to shearing tomorrow, CJ?’ asked Paul.

  ‘Sure is. I can’t wait. We have a break between sheds so Linds and I have a whole week of shearing practice. It’ll be great to spend a solid week on it, just like a real shearing school,’ she said, grinning.

  Paul looked horrified. ‘You’re a strange breed, CJ. I’d rather sit on my arse in the office all day.’

  ‘There’s just something about it, Paul,’ said CJ. ‘I’m so lucky to have Linds teaching me. He should start up a shearing school. We need one around here. Doug’s always complaining about not having enough good shearers about.’

  ‘It’s a great idea. Why don’t you?’ Paul asked Lindsay.

  ‘Well, I just might, after I win lotto,’ he said, laughing. ‘But I reckon CJ’ll be bunging out a full fleece perfectly by next week. Soon she’ll be shearing in the team full-time,’ he added.

  Irene coughed. ‘Ha, the team would be great with CJ, minus Marty.’

  Paul shifted in his chair. ‘Well, who’s for dessert?’ he said, rubbing his belly.

  ‘Pass,’ said CJ and Lindsay together. As they looked at each other slyly, CJ figured they’d just had dessert and she couldn’t wait to try it again.

  CJ’s heartbeat quickened the moment she saw Lindsay’s house in the distance. She hoped it would settle down. She didn’t want to be nervous, scatty, and giggling like a schoolgirl, the way she’d been when he’d kissed her goodbye the night before. She needed to make the most of this week. She was here to learn.

  He was waiting for her on his back step wearing black track pants and a grey T-shirt, holding a coffee.

  ‘So are we having a slack day today? No one sent me the memo,’ she teased.

  Lindsay grinned. ‘What? I’m not allowed to take my time getting up on a Saturday?’

  ‘Not when I’ve been up for an hour and a half already.’

  Lindsay took a step closer to her. ‘Well, seeing as it’s your fault I tossed and turned all night, I think I should be let off, don’t you?’

  He stepped forward and kissed her, then pulled away. CJ sighed.

  ‘Can we do that again?’ Lindsay asked softly.

  ‘My pleasure,’ she said, before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him with more warmth.

  ‘That’s it. You’re coming with me.’ He grabbed her hand and dragged her inside the house.

  CJ gladly followed him through the house to his room at the end of the passageway. He pushed open the solid wood door. A few clothes were scattered on the floor and the doona cover on his double bed was still thrown back. She felt herself burn with desire just standing close to him in his room. He took off her shirt, pulled her up against his chest and began to kiss the smooth skin on her shoulder. Slowly they undressed each other and fell to his bed. CJ lay back on his pillow while he trailed kisses over her breasts. Her desires raced along till she forgot everything except Lindsay and how he made her feel.

  ‘So do all your students get this kind of dedication and attention?’ she teased him afterwards. They lay curled together, CJ snuggled in his arms.

  ‘I don’t know, you’re the first student I’ve had.’ Lindsay began to play with her hair. ‘I’ve always wanted to start up a shearing school, where anyone could come and learn how to shear the way I learned.’ Lindsay spoke softly and his breath felt tantalising against her ear.

  ‘I think you’re an amazing teacher.’ CJ lifted her head further up the pillow so she could study his eyes. ‘You should really start a school.’

  ‘It would take a fair bit to get it off the ground. You need land and sheep. I was hoping Dad would let me run one on our farm but he shot me down when I mentioned it. But one day, maybe when shearing gets too hard and it’s time for me to step back, then I can teach. Set up something to fall back on…’ Lindsay’s voice trailed away softly.

  CJ ran her fingers along his thigh. ‘Well, I hope you do it one day. I would love to be a part of that.’ She raised her eyebrows at him. ‘So how long before you kick me back out to the shed?’

  Lindsay rolled his eyes and sighed. ‘Maybe another ten minutes and then it’s onto the neck and first shoulder for you. But till then… Come here.’ He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer.

  A week later, CJ and Lindsay pulled up outside the Morrisons’ shed. It was a big one; they’d be here for two weeks. The shearing team bus arrived and CJ went over to Irene. They walked in together.

  ‘Gorgeous morning, CJ.’ Irene’s green eyes danced while she puffed on a cancer stick.

  ‘It sure is,’ said CJ, glancing up at the bright blue sky with only the sun and half-moon in it.

  ‘There is something especially strange today, though.’ Irene said, squinting at CJ. ‘Yep, something’s definitely up. Darn, girl. You are glowing.’ Irene followed her gaze towards Lindsay and laughed. ‘Oh, I’m so pleased. Lindsay’s one of the good ones, I’m sure of it. You deserve it. I’m tickled pink to see you so happy.’

  CJ plucked Irene’s cigarette from her mouth and put it out under her boot, ignoring the funny look Irene gave her when she put the butt in her shirt pocket.

  ‘You two all right over here, gossiping in the corner?’ said Lindsay as he approached.

  ‘I told you she’d know,’ CJ replied.

  He gave her a wink, making her wish they were back at his place in his bed. Yes, she’d shorn plenty of sheep this past week but she’d also learned the contours of Lindsay’s body and the location of the three scars he got as a kid. It had been much more fun learning where Lindsay liked to be kissed than how to execute a blow down the back of a ewe.

  ‘Dave’s outside. What did you have planned?’ he said.

  ‘Oh yeah, that’s right.’ CJ took off over to the shearing stand and checked the door for signs of Dave. She couldn’t see him so she quickly slipped Irene’s smoke butt where she wanted it then ran back to join the others.

  ‘That oughta sort him out,’ she said, giving Lindsay a high five.

  ‘I should have thought of that old trick myself. Well, I’m off to get ready. Talk to yas later,’ said Lindsay.

  CJ watched Lindsay swagger to the raised stand.

  ‘I’d change that look on your face or you’re gonna make the rest of them fellas sick. It’s got lovesick puppy written all over it,’ Irene joked.

  She gave Irene a gentle push. ‘Catch up with you later. Don’t forget to watch Dave!’

  The clock was just about to click over to seven and everyone was nearly ready. Dave waltzed in, oiled up his handpiece and began to slot it on the down tube. He tried a few times, looking confused.

>   ‘Bloody C of a thing.’

  CJ glanced at Lindsay, who was doing his best not to break out in a full-blown laugh. The rest of the shed stopped to watch the Dave show.

  He dropped his handpiece in disgust and just as it hit the floor, out popped the smoke butt.

  Dave then turned to Lindsay. ‘You bloody mongrel!’ he said, and started to laugh. He kicked the butt into the down shoot and reconnected the handpiece with ease. Everyone in the shed had a smile on their faces as the music was turned on and the first sheep of the day were dragged out.

  On Friday night Tess had invited CJ and Lindsay over for a barbecue, seeing as though CJ had missed their last celebration. They stood outside chatting, feeling the heat from the gas flame and smelling the steaks. The patio lights shone just brightly enough for Doug to see he was burning the meat.

  ‘I think these steaks are pretty much dead, Doug,’ CJ laughed.

  ‘It’s the burnt bits that have the most flavour,’ replied Doug, but he yanked them off the barbie and rolled the browning sausages with the tongs.

  CJ fetched another beer, and passed Lindsay a fresh stubbie. He let her hand connect with his for that extra moment.

  ‘Hey, what was that!’ Tess’s dark eyes were wide. Her black hair hung silkily over her shoulders and, like CJ, she was wearing jeans and a jumper to keep out the night cold. ‘What was that?’ she asked them again, waving her finger from one to the other. Lindsay smiled, put his arm around CJ and kissed her on her forehead.

  ‘I knew it! I just knew something was up when you two came in this afternoon.’ Tess almost screamed with joy, clapping her hands. ‘I could feel it in my waters.’

  Doug swung around, tongs in the air. ‘What’s wrong?’ He didn’t notice Lindsay’s arm around CJ’s shoulder. ‘What’s up with your water? Last time you said that, you were pregnant!’ Doug looked scared, like he’d just been told to go and get the snip.

  ‘Are you blind? These two have finally hooked up!’ She turned to CJ and Lindsay. ‘Oh, and I’m delighted, by the way.’

  Doug looked them up and down and just said, ‘Oh. Good on yas.’ Then as an afterthought, he pointed the tongs at them and said, ‘You two won’t bust up later and leave me trying to find more workers, will ya?’