by BA Tortuga
“Then when you get your unlimited data, you’ll be looking shit up day and night. How far is it to Corpus? What kind of radiator cap does an F150 take?”
“We’ll see. I bet I use it a lot, though. Sage does. I’ve been visiting him quite a bit, working with some of the horses.”
“Yeah?” Jayden turned off on 35. “You learning to ride?”
“I have a little, but mostly I’m helping take care of things. There’s this horse, she’s been hurt bad, abused, you know? I named her Montana.” Dakota felt damn proud that Sage had let him name her, like he was a part of this.
“Wow. My mom has a friend who volunteers with rescue horses. She’s like Sage. She has a plot of land with some barns. That’s a great thing.”
“It feels good. It feels damn good.”
“That rocks.”
Dakota found himself stealing glances at Jayden, who needed to shave maybe, the beard a few shades darker than his gold hair. He sort of wanted to know what it felt like, if it was soft or poky, slick or rough.
“Did I get something on my shirt? I meant to take a shower, but I got absorbed.”
“No. No, I was…. I’m sorry. You’re nice to look at.” Oh God. God. Had he just said that? To Jayden? Out loud? He had. And he meant it, and he wasn’t a kid anymore and could tell another man who was all out and rainbow flaggy that he thought he was hot, dammit.
“Yeah?” Pink flooded Jayden’s cheeks. “Thank you. I’m glad you think so.”
“I do.” Jayden made him want things that he had tried hard to ignore. “Are you still wanting to go camping next weekend? I mean, not this Friday, but the one after?”
“I totally am. I rented the cabin today. I also amazed my dad with tales of pre-adventure. Or whatever.” Jayden let out a wry chuckle. “I’m ridiculously excited.”
“You just tell me what I need to bring.” A cabin? That was pretty cool, right? A place to keep the mosquitos out?
“Win says he has sleeping bags for all, in case the beds are sketchy. I guess the best thing is see what all everyone wants to eat and then either see what we can all bring or just pool funds.”
Jayden treated him as if he was just one of the guys, like he didn’t have to scrimp and save to afford hot dogs and mac and cheese.
“Sounds good. I’m totally in.” He had two birthdays next week. Two parties.
“Cool.” The off-ramp loomed, and Jayden had to concentrate on traffic. “If you need me to get it, you can always pay me back. Just sayin’.”
“I’m good. I don’t like owing people.” He’d lost his first forty pounds learning about owing people food in the pen.
“No worries. As long as you know I’m buying supper tonight, because I want to and you can’t argue.”
“I can’t? Why not?” He snorted, because really, that was sweet as fuck.
“Because I asked you out.” That flush lit Jayden’s cheeks again, which, oh my God, so cute.
“Okay, that’s fair. I, uh, I’m probably fixin’ to ask you out again, just so you know.” Because he wanted to see the rodeo, and he wanted to see it with Jayden.
“Are you? Where are we going?”
That sounded like Jayden was already saying yes, bolstering Dakota’s confidence.
“There’s a rodeo in Wimberley on the Fourth of July. I’d like to take you. There will be corny dogs and funnel cake and bronc riders.”
Jayden pulled into a parking space at the shopping center and turned off the engine before turning to stare at him. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No….” Oh, what if Jayden was an antirodeo guy. There were lots of them, apparently, especially in Austin, and Jayden was a lawyer and liberal, and what if Jayden thought he was an animal abuser or something?
“Oh God, I always wanted to go to a school that had a rodeo team. I mean, my pop took me to Mesquite a few times, and I went to the bull riding at Billy Bob’s, which is ridiculous, but that sounds amazing.”
“Yeah?” The relief hit him so hard he felt a little cold for a second, the tension leaving him in a rush. “Cool. It’s a date.”
“It is. I love corny dogs. We used to go to the State Fair every year and get them. It’s been years.”
“Me too. I used to go every year, but not for a long time. Maybe some time, huh? Something to dream about.” Like that was what he was dreaming about. He wanted things that were way more scary than a Ferris wheel and Big Tex.
“I don’t see why not? I keep thinking I’ll go to the stock shows some year. Like all of them in a row, boom, boom, boom.” The heat when Jayden opened the door felt like a blast furnace from hell after the AC.
Dakota hopped out of the truck, the sound of his boots hitting the pavement solid, a real sound, a man’s sound. Walking into the restaurant with Jayden puffed his chest up a little, a sense of pride filling him. Look at this man. This was his date.
“You can tell that the work you’re doing is making you a little muscle man. I approve.”
Jayden’s words made him blush, but he flexed instinctively, so proud.
“Two?” the hostess asked, which saved him from having to answer. She seated them in the back room, and Jayden sat right across from him, smiling into his eyes.
He forgot every word he’d ever learned just then.
Dear Dakota, You are on a date with a beautiful lawyer. There will be chips and salsa. You will remember how to speak and make weird small talk, and you won’t die from it, okay? Okay. No love, Me.
He chuckled, shaking off the paralysis.
“Want guac?” Jayden asked.
“Sounds great.” He was pleased that sound did indeed come out when he opened his mouth.
“There’s nothing that avocado doesn’t make better, right?”
“I guess? I mean, my folks thought they were slimy and gross.” Dakota shrugged. “Adam makes great avocado toast. How weird does that sound, but it’s really good. Troy taught him, so I guess it’s Troy’s recipe.”
“Troy seems like the avocado toast type, actually. He’s built like a Greek god, huh?”
“Yes. Kind of like a broken statue.” Was that freakish to say? He remembered that from some elective art history thing he’d taken online. All of these Greek statues missing limbs.
“Oh man. I hadn’t thought of that.” Jayden blinked at him, then grinned. “That’s crazy cool.”
“I should tell him.” He would see Troy pretty soon, he would bet. Sage would want to do a cookout the Sunday of the Fourth, even if he wanted to do the rodeo on the day.
“He’d probably be tickled. He’s a weird bird, that one.”
“I like him.” Troy took joy in everything and never once took offense if someone was curious.
“I do too.” Jayden looked at the menu. “So do I want enchiladas or tacos?”
“Enchiladas. This is an enchilada date, man.”
Jayden glanced up at him over the menu, that slow smile threatening to burn him to the ground. “Okay, then. Suisas it is.”
“I want beef, I think. I love the chili gravy here.” Dakota put his menu down and grabbed his ice water, sucking another glass down.
“Yeah. I like that too. Maybe I’ll make my own combo.”
“You can share some of mine,” he offered, feeling daring as hell.
“That works for me.”
They were doing it. Dating. Having a thing. At least he thought so. Jayden was looking at him as if he was dessert.
He didn’t know what to do next, so he took a deep breath and went with small talk. “You had a good day?”
“Yeah. I worked on a lot of little things I’ve let slide. Got to talk to Pop. Did I mention I got our cabin?”
“Yeah. You said. What are they like? Do you know?”
“I know they have two beds, air-conditioning, and fans. Not sure what they really look like.”
“Air-conditioning? It’ll be like a hotel!” He had to laugh, had to, because that sounded exactly like Jayden, somehow, and so much better than sleep
ing outside on the ground.
“I know. I could have reserved a campsite, and Win will give me no end of shit, but I liked the sound of it.”
“If Adam wants to sleep outside, he still can, right?”
“Exactly! See? You get it. There’s a porch. Heck. We can put up one of those bug net things and leave the door open.” Jayden actually bounced, clearly excited.
“I’m into it. I’ve never camped for real. I went to computer camp and fat camp as a kid. I know, lame.” But that was what pimply fat rich boys did in his world.
“I went to a talent identification thing at SMU and stayed in the dorms and all. That was about it.”
“Oh yeah? My best friend in middle school did that. He left for the summer, and when he came back, he was six inches taller and twenty pounds lighter and learned how to drink beer.”
“Wow.” Jayden tilted his head as if considering. “I think I learned how to get a wedgie.”
“I learned that in second grade, I think. I’m an overachiever.”
“Ouch.” Jayden chuckled. “I was lucky, I think. I was kinda nerdy, but I flew under the radar.”
“I was fat. The fat kids are always fucked.”
“That sucks.” Pausing, Jayden studied him. “Is it freaky to ask what was up with you as a kid?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… I don’t know. I mean, obviously you were an unhappy kid. You never say anything good about it.”
“I don’t?” He thought for a second, and he knew that he hadn’t been abused or anything—he’d had a couple of friends, had birthday parties and all the food and things he’d asked for. Still, he was happier now working picking up trash and living in a tiny apartment than he ever had been. “I mean, I guess I’m pissed, huh? They left me. They never came, not once. Not to court to say that I didn’t do it, not to jail. The police said they came when I got arrested, but I didn’t get to talk to them but the once. They just walked away, and it sort of colored all the good memories with the scent of shit.”
“I can see that.” Jayden put a hand over his on the table.
Dakota’s heart fluttered a little, and he swallowed hard, but he didn’t pull away. “I just don’t understand. I wasn’t a bad kid. I never got into trouble. I was just… a dork. Just undesirable, you know? Not a golden child.”
Not worthless. Not nasty.
“I was so frickin’ spoiled.” Jayden said it matter-of-factly, a little grin playing on his lips. “I mean, my mom took me everywhere, and Pop thought I was kind of a sissy boy, but he dotes on me.”
“That’s cool. I’m jealous.” And he could admit to himself that it hurt, to not be able to say that someone doted on him. Right now, he couldn’t even say anyone loved him.
“I was real lucky, because I came out to my father in sort of a spectacular way, and Pop could easily have kicked my ass out.”
“Yeah? What happened?” It had to be better than I got accused of rape and assault and told the police I was gay.
“Well, it was me and Kenny Beckford in the family room. Naked as jaybirds and attempting a sixty-nine while a bad gay porn video played on the big screen that was Pop’s sacred football TV.”
Dakota’s eyes went so wide they felt like they were going to bug right out of his head. “You’re serious? Oh my God.”
“Yep. I thought the ’rents were in Dallas for a two-day law enforcement conference. They hated the hotel and decided to commute. I was so fucked.”
“Wow. I… I got nothing. Nothing at all.” He’d never even had another man’s lips on his dick, for chrissake and…. Wow. “And after you died of embarrassment?”
“Well. Kenny and I never spoke again.” That wry face Jayden pulled cracked him up. “My mom sat me down and discussed all the legal and moral repercussions of condom usage, even during oral sex.”
“And your dad?” He couldn’t help but wince as he asked.
“He was real quiet for a week or so. Then we went for a drive. I thought he was going to kill me and hide the body.”
“You said he was a policeman?” His heart shouldn’t be racing, it shouldn’t. After all, obviously Jayden wasn’t dead.
“Indeed. Stetson-wearing, get your ass in the car, Son, cop. We drove out to the lake, and he threw in a line. Pop likes to fish and think. About the time I got all ready to pee myself, he asked me if I was really gay or just sowing wild oats.”
Dakota tried to imagine his father, who honestly he couldn’t quite visualize really, beyond a memory of tall and blond and perfect, just like Momma, with blue eyes like lasers, talking to him, asking him that.
Dakota thought the last thing his dad had ever said to him was “Don’t disappoint me” as they’d left him at the dorm.
It probably wasn’t, honestly, but it was the last thing he remembered hearing.
“So, anyway, I told him I thought I was really gay, and he nodded and chewed his lips for a while. Then he said, ‘Well, okay, but be careful. A man could get in trouble over that here. I love you.’ That was that.”
“That’s pretty cool, man. Seriously.” He told himself that he needed to learn to be pleased for other people instead of bitter about his own situation, and Jayden was a good person to start working on that.
“He asks me about once a year if I’m still gay.” Jayden let go of his hand when the chips and salsa came.
“He does know that it doesn’t just turn off, right?”
“Shit, I don’t think he thinks on it.” Jayden munched a chip. “I think it’s more like asking when a straight kid is going to have babies. He wants me to settle down and be happy.”
“Ah. I get that. He sounds like a good guy.”
“He is. A grumpy old fart, but basically good.”
Jayden kept sneaking glances at him, maybe checking in to see how he was doing with the subject of family, maybe checking him out. It was hard to tell.
He didn’t know what to say, so he went for the smile and let Jayden talk. “What’s your mom like? You said she was a lawyer too?”
“She is. I never won a single argument when I was a kid, and neither did Pop. She teaches law now. She’s amazing.”
He could tell from the words and tone that while Jayden adored his dad, he was totally a momma’s boy.
Jayden kept telling him about Dallas, about growing up and school things and colleges, and he ate and listened, nodding when it was the right thing to do and asking a new question when Jayden wound down.
Finally Jayden groaned and patted his belly. “I’ve become one of those guys who only talks about himself.”
“No, it’s totally cool. You tell good stories.” And no one on earth wanted to hear his.
“Thanks. I feel strange not asking you more, but—”
“But you don’t want to say, ‘So how was prison?’” Dakota asked, grinning huge.
Jayden snort laughed but nodded. “I guess, yeah. Awkward.”
“Just a little.” Story of his life. Awkward and a little lost but surviving.
“I love that you’re not afraid to just say it, though.” Jayden leaned over the table. “And I love your laugh.”
“Flirt.” Oh God, his cheeks were going to set on fire. “Thank you. You’ve said that before, and it’s still really cool.”
“It’s the truth.” Planting his chin on his hand, Jayden studied him. “What’s your favorite book?”
“In the Name of the Rose. I wrote my final senior paper on it. It was like learning another language, to read it. I liked Foucault’s Pendulum too, and I’m a big fan of the whole Pendergast series, and I love Dan Brown.”
“Like Angels and Demons, right? I like him too.”
“Yeah. I like mysteries, word game books, you know?” He liked to get lost in a book enough that everything else went away.
“I like crazy serial killer books. I also love medieval mysteries. Like Cadfael.”
“I’ve read a lot of those. They were available from the online library. Serial killer books were l
ess available.”
“Did you ever meet one?”
“A serial killer book?” he teased, then sobered. “There was a point where they had to move us—the cell blocks. And that was a little scary because we had a week with maximum security, and yeah. I met a couple guys that had killed people on the inside. That was their job. Like a cleanup crew, I guess.”
“Oh, man. That is scary.” Grimacing, Jayden shook his head. “Sounds a little like my stalker.”
“Yeah. That sucks. He’s back inside, though, right? So you’re safe.” He couldn’t imagine that someone like Jayden, someone good and unmarred, would have someone hunting him.
“Win saw to that. I had no idea how much that would chafe, having to worry about going outside.”
He nodded, not sure exactly what he was supposed to say, because he understood being caged, but everything he could imagine to respond with sounded sort of… mean and dismissive.
“Was that stupid? Do you want dessert?” Those blue eyes searched his face. Someone was worried he’d crossed a line.
“Why would it be stupid? I just…. It’s hard. You’re not supposed to talk about being in, and that’s all I got. I mean, I was in college for a semester and a half. I hadn’t even declared a major. I’ve never had a beer or a boyfriend. I went from undeclared sophomore to… well… convict. I mean, it’s just weird. So don’t worry. No story you have is stupid.”
A part of a life that he’d never get to live, maybe, but not stupid. Seriously, what if he’d just been able to be a normal guy? He’d probably be an IT guy who played Warcraft on the weekends and jacked off during chats with guys he never intended to meet.
Jayden was warm and real and right here. A man Dakota would never, ever have thought to approach.
“You can talk about it. You can tell me your stories, Dakota. Seriously. I’m going to listen. I want to hear you.”
“Why? There’s nothing cool. There’s no redemption or rehabilitation. It’s hell, and you hold on until they tell you you can go, and then, for the first long while, you sort of want back in because it’s so awful out here.”
“It gets better, though, right?” Jayden grabbed his hand again, so earnest.