by Cas Lester
‘Sorry, Captain,’ laughed Scrummage, ‘I should have warned you the Zinians are a bit fussy about hygiene!’
SupaCosmic clean
Before Harvey could reply, the white doors of the shower unit slid back to reveal a brilliantly lit corridor with shiny white walls and floor, and a remote voice said:
‘The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company welcomes you aboard this SupaCosmicCargo ship. Please make your way to the bridge by following the blue direction arrows on the floor. The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company accepts no responsibility for you during your visit. Thank you.’
Stepping out of the cubicle they followed the line of arrows along the squeaky-clean walkway. Harvey doing his best to smarm his hair down as they went. Peering through a spotlessly clean plasti-glass door on the right, Harvey saw an astonishingly clean galley lined with galaxy-class computerised cooking equipment. The only thing he recognised was a stack of white poly cups and some plastic-looking cutlery (all white, obviously). There was something that looked a bit like a microwave but with computerised controls and a joystick! Blimey! thought Harvey, that takes playing with your food to a whole new level!
A bit further along he glanced through another plasti-glass door at the sleeping quarters. They were utterly spotless with pure white walls and floors and white bunks with white covers. It was hard to make out where the walls started and the floors finished. Harvey was beginning to think the Zinians were overdoing the white theme a bit.
SupaCosmic cool
The last door on the left was labelled: Playroom. Playroom?! thought Harvey. He looked in. It was completely empty, except for a small white remote control device and a visor on the floor.
(Sorry to break into the tour of the Zinian ship – but you have absolutely no idea what Harvey’s looking at, do you?
Actually I’ve just realised, those of you who were concentrating at the beginning of Chapter Six, might just guess.
It’s a VidiScapeRoom – only one of the coolest things in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond!
Now, I know you do have some (actually pretty primitive) virtual reality games on your little planet – but believe me this is AWESOME.
You can invent and play out any scenario you want – anything and anywhere – just by using your imagination!
Cool or what!? I bet you can’t wait for gaming on your world to catch up.)
Harvey moved on. He suddenly realised he couldn’t smell anything – except improbably fresh air. The ‘air’ on the Toxic Spew is disgustingly smelly and stale. It tastes like it’s been breathed in and out thousands of times already. Which … er … it has of course. But the air on this ship smelled as fresh as the kind you get on a cold, crisp snowy day. And the ship was almost totally silent, except for a gentle busy humming sound and the clunking of their feet on the metallic floor.
Harvey was impressed.
SupaCosmic class
The SupaCosmicCargo ship is tiny, so it only took a few moments to reach the bridge. The doors slid open silently to reveal two Zinians seated at the flight desk.
Harvey was gobsmacked.
(Since you’re from Earth I’m guessing you’ve never met Zinians from the planet X-Zin cum Delta.
So to help you picture the scene, Zinians are basically humanoid, basically blue and basically … um, and I’m trying to find a polite way of saying this … pointy with rather sharp edges.
Their smart blue SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company uniforms have sharp shoulder pads, which make their entire upper bodies er … triangular.)
To be fair to Harvey, he was less gobsmacked by the sight of two bright blue triangular aliens than he was by the sight of the command bridge itself.
Banks of monitors and switches, buttons and levers covered every wall. And everything was sleek, shiny and squeaky clean. Oh, and, you’ve guessed it: white!
It was impressive.
It was classy.
It was everything the Toxic Spew wasn’t.
One of the Zinians stood up smartly. ‘The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company is happy to hand over responsibility for the cargo instantly,’ he said.
‘Thank you!’ said Scrummage. ‘Um, do you happen to know how much Techno-tium there is?’ he asked casually.
‘Negative,’ replied the Zinian. ‘The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company is not responsible for:
the quantity,
the colour,
the existence of the cargo.
Or feeding, watering or exercising the cargo.’
Briskly he handed Harvey a smart white digipad and a cool white metal stylo. ‘The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company requests you sign here to take responsibility for the cargo.’
‘Glittering upchuck!’
Harvey signed.
A new page instantly scrolled up.
‘Sign here to take responsibility of the freight container.’ Harvey did so … and then carried on signing for what seemed to be about ten minutes …
‘Sign here to say you are not insane.
‘Here to enter the prize drawer to win a holiday on X-Zin cum Delta (off-peak season only).
‘Here to say you’ve read our terms and conditions.’
‘Er … should I just read them?’ asked Harvey.
The Zinian gave him a sharp look. ‘Nobody ever reads them – they only sign to say that they have. They’re 148 pages long and no pictures.’
Harvey signed and the Zinian carried on.
‘Sign here to say you are happy to get our advertising SpaceMails.
‘Here to say you are over 18.’
‘But I’m not,’ said Harvey.
‘You don’t have to be,’ said the Zinian. ‘You only have to say that you are.’
‘Er … OK,’ said Harvey, signing.
‘And finally sign here and select your home planet from the drop-down menu.’
Harvey signed and then scrolled down the list of planets. ‘Ah,’ he said.
The Zinian raised a sharp angled eyebrow. ‘Problem?’
‘My planet isn’t on the list.’
The Zinians gasped.
‘Glittering upchuck!’ Scrummage nearly exploded with frustration.
Chapter Eight
Bad news
The Zinian turned to his crewmate. ‘Can we hand over the cargo to an alien from a non-listed planet?’
‘Negative.’
‘Ah,’ said the Zinian and put his hand out for the digipad.
Scrummage was desperate. ‘Can’t he just leave that bit?’ he begged.
‘Negative. The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company demands forms are completed in full.’
‘Can’t we put my planet?’ said Scrummage.
For a few agonising seconds the Zinian considered this bold suggestion and Scrummage literally held his breath.
Eventually the Zinian said: ‘Fine.’
Scrummage breathed out, selected ‘Zeryx Minor’ and the Zinian took the digipad back.
‘The SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company thanks you for your business. Terms and conditions apply. Always read the small print. Goodbye,’ he said and turned back to the flight desk.
Scrummage hitched his filthy overalls up excitedly. ‘Captain, we are now the proud, and very wealthy owners of a cargo of Techno-tium!’ he said. ‘Let’s go!’
More bad news
Seconds later Harvey and Scrummage were safely back on the command bridge of the Toxic Spew. They were just in time to watch the Zinian tug ship unclip its tow bar from the container. Then there was a small flare as it powered its subatomic reactor launchers and very slowly drifted off into the blackness of deep space, leaving the flying saucer, sorry, cargo container, just hanging there.
‘Hang on,’ said Harvey. ‘What about the crew?’
‘Who cares?’ said Scrummage.
‘I do!’
‘That’s very noble of you, Captain,’ said Officer Gizmo. ‘But the SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company will send a ship to recover the space-tug and crew.’
‘So
why didn’t they just wait? Why did they put out a distress signal and hand the cargo over to us?’
‘Because it’s dangerous to be hanging around with a cargo container full of Techno-tium,’ said Scrummage.
‘I thought you said the cargo wasn’t dangerous?’ cried Harvey, horrified.
‘It isn’t. It’s valuable,’ explained Gizmo. ‘It’s having a valuable cargo that’s dangerous.’
‘How dangerous?’
Scrummage shrugged.
‘Very,’ grinned Maxie.
(You don’t get a lot of space pirates, in your quiet little corner of the universe, do you?
Lucky, lucky you.
Ruthless and rich with the fastest ships in the universe, they’re a complete menace.
Technically they’re banned under the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations regarding behaving nicely.
But outer space is so massive it’s almost lawless in some places.
There’s the Intergalactic Traffic Police of course. But there are only six ships for about a gazillion square light years of open space so … you do the sums.)
Even more bad news
Maxie tucked her hair behind her ears, leant her elbows on the flight desk and said casually, ‘Oh yes, in this part of Galaxy 43b there’s stacks of murderous space pirates and cosmic corsairs. And they’d stop at nothing to get their hands on some Techno-tium.
‘And I mean literally nothing – they’ll tear us limb from limb, gouge out our eyes, slit our throats, rip out our gizzards and poison our pizza.
‘And if that doesn’t work, they’ll just kill us and take it anyway,’ she finished helpfully.
Chapter Nine
A magnet for danger
Seeing the horrified look on Harvey’s face, Maxie burst out laughing. ‘Relax! Who’s going to think a grotty little intergalactic garbage ship like the Toxic Spew has anything worth taking?’
(For the record, I should probably point out, that Maxie is probably right.
Everyone in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond knows the Toxic Spew is a disgustingly filthy, tatty pile of old junk whose cargo is most likely to be … er, a disgustingly filthy, tatty old pile of old junk.
Even if it is being carted around in a Day-Glo yellow flying saucer.
But on the other hand, and I don’t want to alarm you, but there is a chance, just a small chance, she might be wrong.)
Harvey was worried. Very worried. It didn’t matter how much the Techno-tium was worth, he’d put the crew at risk, and that was wrong. He kicked himself. Why hadn’t he realised that a valuable cargo would make them a target? It was like being the best striker on your team. You were always a magnet for the most, the hardest and the dirtiest tackles.
He sighed. There was no way he could order the crew to leave the Techno-tium now. They’d mutiny.
Pilot Officer Maxie pushed her sleeves up her arms, sat forward at the flight desk and confidently grasped the controls. Using the manifold uplift shunting boosters she nudged the Toxic Spew around so the back of the ship faced the giant freight container.
Slow but steady …
Then she slowly hauled the flight control joysticks into reverse and the Toxic Spew began to move backwards, closing in on the container. As they got closer she activated the rear subatomic tow bar and the reversing bleepers went off.
BEEP … BEEP … BEEP …
Harvey suddenly realised that he couldn’t actually see what was happening. The three vast vision screens were at the front and sides of the bridge – but there were none at the back.
Hang on, he thought, if I can’t see what’s happening, then how can Maxie?
(Since you’ve never reversed a spaceship it might be helpful if I point out that it’s quite tricky because you can’t look over your shoulder through the rear windscreen, or open a window and look round. So spaceships have all sorts of state-of-the art reversing kit.
Well, some of them do.)
‘Er, is there a reversing camera, or something?’ asked Harvey.
‘Yes,’ said Gizmo. ‘But it’s broken.’
‘We used to have wing mirrors, but they’re broken too,’ added Scrummage.
‘But how can Maxie see what she’s doing?’ said Harvey.
‘I can’t! So shut up! I’m trying to listen to the bleeps.’
BEEP … BEEP … BEEP …
‘Shhh,’ said Gizmo.
‘Yes, shhhhh,’ added Scrummage, not wanting to be outdone by Gizmo.
The beeps got faster and faster
BEEP – BEEP – BEEP
And then faster still:
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
Until there were one single long
B-B-B-B-B-B-BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Harvey held his breath. There was a slight
BUMP
and a soft
CLUNK
as the rear subatomic tow bar of the Toxic Spew caught onto the tow hook of the freight container and then Maxie yanked on the supersonic handbrake. Harvey breathed out.
As tough as Yargal’s pizza bases
Harvey had seen Maxie fly the Toxic Spew in some very tricky situations (actually he’d seen her fly the Toxic Spew in some terrifying situations) and knew she was a brilliant pilot. But he was blown away by the fact that she’d just reversed the Toxic Spew, with pinpoint accuracy, when she couldn’t even see where she was going!
‘Pilot Officer Maxie, that was fantastic!’ he said.
She turned round and gave him a huge grin. Her bright turquoise eyes shone under her straight multicoloured fringe. ‘Thank you, Captain! But that was the easy bit. The hard bit is pulling away.’
Scrummage came over and slapped Harvey on the back. ‘Don’t worry, Captain. We do this all the time. It’s what this little ship is built for! She may look tatty but she’s as tough as … as one of Yargal’s pizza bases!’
Chewing her lip and frowning slightly, Maxie eased the flight control joysticks forward and released the supersonic handbrake. Slowly and surely the Toxic Spew moved forward, hauling the massive freight container behind her.
‘Well done, Pilot Officer Maxie,’ cried Gizmo!
‘Yahoo!’ cried Scrummage! ‘We’re rich!’
(I bet you’ve probably guessed he spoke too soon, haven’t you.)
Splattering vomit!
GGRRRRRCHHH
There was a horrible grating noise and the ship juddered worryingly. Maxie froze with her hands on the controls.
The grating noise continued.
GGRRRRRCHHH …
Gizmo and Harvey leapt to their feet.
‘Splattering vomit!’ cried Scrummage. ‘What’s happening?’
‘Computer?’ said Harvey. ‘Give me a damage report.’
‘Is that: Give me a damage report, please?’ snipped the computer.
‘No, it’s: Give me a damage report immediately,’ cried Harvey anxiously.
GGRRRRRCHHH …
‘All right, calm down! No need to get snippy. Well, today’s damage report is not encouraging. As well as the usual bumps and scratches and dents, and the general tattiness of the entire ship … it appears the rear subatomic tow bar is about to rip off.’
KERRRR-UNCH!!!!
‘Correction. The rear subatomic tow bar has ripped off!’
It took a nanosecond for this to sink in.
Then the entire crew shared a rare moment of team togetherness and cried:
‘NOOOOOOO!’
Chapter Ten
Horrible silence and ominous noises
There was a horrible silence on the bridge of the Toxic Spew.
It was broken by some truly loud and ominous noises coming from the back of the ship. But without a reversing camera, or any wing mirrors, it was impossible for the crew to see what was happening.
Fortunately, the computer was able to give them a running commentary.
Unfortunately, it was gobthumpingly tactless.
‘Oh, whoops!’ it said brightly. �
�The rear subatomic tow bar has torn clean off its base!’
RIIIIP!
‘Oh! And there goes the rubber counter gravity bumper as well.’
GRAAUUNCH!
‘And the reactor-driven heat shield.’
KERRRANNNNNG!
‘And the back booster ramscoop plate! Oh, what a shame, it was all going so well. You must be gutted.’ It bleeped off smugly.
Three horrified purple faces turned slowly to look at Harvey.
‘Fluttering chunder!’ spluttered Scrummage.
‘Oh dear,’ said Gizmo.
‘Well, Captain,’ said Maxie. ‘What are we going to do now?’
‘We’re all going to die!’
But before Harvey had time to even think up a plan of action,
SCHWOOOOOOSH!
the doors to the bridge slid open and Yargal wobbled onto the bridge, with Snuffles faithfully following her. Her slug-like body shook violently and her six blue tentacles and yellow eye-stalks flailed about wildly in panic. Flecks of grey snot speckled the deck as she sobbed in fear.
‘Captain, CAPTAIN!’ she cried, flinging herself at him. ‘Save us. Save us! There was a horrible grating noise and the whole ship started juddering and then there was this huge KERRRR-UNCH! And then a RIIIIP! and a GRAAUUNCH! And then a massive KERRRANNNNNG! And I don’t like to panic you, but I think we’re all going to die!’
At this, Snuffles promptly plonked himself down the deck and howled.
AROOOO, AROUOUOU, AROOO, AROUOUOU!
went Snuffles loudly.
WAIL, SOB, SOB SNOT, SOB, SNOT, WAIL!
wept Yargal, even more loudly.
It was chaos. Harvey couldn’t hear himself think.
‘Quiet, Snuffles, QUIET! Down boy, DOWN!’ ordered Harvey, gently patting him on the head, and eventually the huge Hazard Hunting Hound sank to the deck at Harvey’s feet whimpering softly.