by Cas Lester
WHOOSH!
They zoomed between an enormous rusting stargate cruiser on the left, and the smashed-up remains of a triple-decker interworld space plane on the right.
But Maxie couldn’t shake off the pirate ship. Frankly it was a miracle she didn’t kill them all before the Bling Bots got a chance to.
‘Harvey, I can’t keep this up much longer!’ she wailed, her hands whizzing round the controls and her eyes glued to the vision screen. ‘Seriously, what are we going to do?’
‘Hide,’ said Harvey simply.
‘What?’ cried the crew.
‘Hide. They’ll think we’ve got away and they’ll give up. Then we’ll wait a while, and slip out when they’re not looking.’
Hide-and-seek
If you’d slapped the crew round the face with a soggy brown banana skin they wouldn’t have been more stunned. In all their multiple intergalactic missions no one had ever suggested something so surprising and simple, so clever and cunning, so inspired and imaginative, as hiding.
(But then, the previous captains of the Toxic Spew had been a pretty dire bunch. And if any of them had suggested hiding, it wouldn’t have been part of a cunning, brave master plan. It would have just been basic cowardice.)
‘Captain, that’s brilliant!’ exclaimed Gizmo. Frantically the crew peered through the vision screens looking for a good hiding place among the abandoned spaceships.
‘Maxie!’ yelled Scrummage, pointing excitedly to a huge ancient space ark up ahead. ‘There … look, pull in under there.’
So Maxie yanked on the controls, performed a perfect figure-of-eight supersonic handbrake turn and expertly tucked the little garbage ship inside the huge landing cradle of the ancient space ark.
‘Computer, cut all power so they can’t pick us up on their scanners,’ ordered Harvey.
‘All power?’ questioned the computer bleeping into life.
‘Yes,’ barked Harvey.
‘What even the galley fridge and the toilet flushers?’
‘Yes,’ snapped Harvey. ‘And hurry.’
‘Well, all right, but don’t blame me if the mozzarella goes mouldy and the loos get blocked.’
The computer cut power and the Toxic Spew was instantly plunged into gloom. The entire bridge was only lit by the tiny little green battery-warning lights on the computer console.
It was dead eerie.
It was dead quiet.
It was dead scary.
It was dead dangerous.
You could have heard a pin drop.
(Well, if Yargal and Snuffles had stopped whimpering you could, and if anyone had dropped a pin.)
I don’t think I can describe the terrified tension on the bridge as the enormous Bling Bot ship swept past them, silent and deadly. Its trashy fake diamonds glittering like fish scales on a killer shark. The crew sat frozen with terror, hardly daring to breathe.
And I definitely can’t describe the dreadful horror of the moment when, a few seconds later, the pirate ship reversed slowly back, silent and deadly, completely trapping the Toxic Spew inside the landing cradle of the ancient space ark.
There was literally no escape.
Uh, oh! thought Harvey. That wasn’t supposed to happen. I think we’re all going to die.
Chapter Twenty-one
A horrible, horrible blunder
‘We’re all going to die!’ screamed Yargal, who was pretty sure about the fact.
‘We’re trapped!’ cried Gizmo.
‘Flickering chunder!’ spluttered Scrummage.
‘Fine captain you’re turning out to be!’ exclaimed Maxie.
Yargal burst into tears. Strings of snotty grey slime snorted out of her like grubby molten mozzarella.
Harvey slumped in the captain’s chair on the dimly lit command bridge in utter despair. He’d made a real blunder. A horrible, horrible blunder.
And now his entire crew were going to die.
And so was he.
Gutted
Up until now he’d always thought that one day, the crew would be able to get him home. And to the exact moment in time that he’d left, so his mum and dad wouldn’t even know he’d been away. But now he wasn’t going to get home – at all. Ever. His mum and dad would be gutted.
And then he realised the crew probably all had family too. And friends. And they’d all be gutted too if any, or more probably, all of the crew died. He put his head in his hands, horrified at the full impact of what he’d done.
Just in case he hadn’t got his head around who was to blame, the crew instantly launched into a quick-fire game of ‘It’s all your fault!’.
(I’m not sure if you play this on Earth, so I’ll explain the rules.
It’s a ruthless, no-holds-barred shouting game and the aim is to find as many different ways as possible to tell someone: ‘It’s all your fault’.
The winner is the one who finally makes the victim either storm off in a huff or break down and cry.
It’s also known as ‘Kick ’em when they’re down.’)
It doesn’t really matter who said what but the first round went something like this:
‘You sent us into a trap, why? WHY?’
‘What were you thinking?’
‘I’m too young to die!’
‘Just how stupid are you?’
‘How were we supposed to get out?’
‘You’re the worst captain we’ve ever had!’
‘We’re all going to die, and it’s all your fault!’
The painful and continual barrage only stopped when the ship-to-ship SpaceTime icon on the engineering desk blipped insistently.
Defeated and doomed
Without waiting for Harvey’s command, Gizmo ordered the computer to restore power. Then he clicked to accept the connection. And the image of the horribly ugly and now horribly smug Bling Bot filled the vision screen again.
Snuffles’ hackles rose and his slathering lips twitched into a silent snarl showing his shark-like teeth.
‘Captain,’ growled the Bling Bot. ‘You’re pinned down and you’ve got no options. So hand over the Techno-tium like a good boy, and we’ll kill you quickly and painlessly … rather than slowly and agonisingly.’ His thin mouth twisted into a grimace that was meant to be a smile.
A low growl rumbled up from deep inside the belly of the huge Hazard Hunting Hound.
‘Quiet, Snuffles,’ said Harvey softly and sighed. He didn’t seem to have any options. He could feel three pairs of bright turquoise eyes, and three yellow googly ones, staring at him in despair. They’d lost. The Toxic Spew and her plucky little Bin Men were defeated. Defeated and doomed.
They think it’s all over, he thought miserably, and it probably is. But then suddenly, in the back of his mind he heard the All Stars coach saying what he always said when the match was going badly: ‘It’s not over, ’til it’s over.’
(I hope this means more to you than it does to me.
Frankly, I’m hoping it means more to Harvey too.)
Harvey pulled himself together. This is a classic coaching moment, he told himself. If you’re outclassed by the other team, you don’t panic. You tighten your defence, look for every chance, and make your opponents work for every ball.
So Harvey looked the Bling Bot square in the eye (he only had the one, of course) and said boldly: ‘If you want it, come and get it.’
Fluttering upchuck!
GASP, GASP, GASP!
A wave of loud panic-stricken gasps echoed round the command bridge, but Harvey ignored them. He’d had an inspired idea.
‘We will lower our shields and you can transport directly into the cargo hold,’ he said. ‘Shields down, Officer Gizmo, and cut the ship-to-ship SpaceTime link.’
‘What?’ Cried Gizmo.
‘Shields down! And that’s an order,’ barked Harvey, and Gizmo obeyed.
(I hate to interrupt at this thrilling moment, but is it me, or is he utterly bonkers?
I mean, I know he’s from Earth and doe
sn’t have that much experience of ruthless space pirates. But surely even he can grasp that there is nothing worse than a cargo hold full of brutally vicious Bling Bots.)
There was a horrified silence on the bridge of the Toxic Spew as the brave Bin Men realised that there was now absolutely nothing standing between them and a bunch of brutally vicious Bling Bots.
The silence was broken by Scrummage. ‘Fluttering upchuck, Captain,’ he said quietly. ‘What have you done?’
Chapter Twenty-two
Bling Bots in the cargo hold
Harvey and the crew watched through the cargo webcam as the Bling Bots appeared in the hold. Harvey counted about eight or nine of them. Before their wobbly forms had even finished transporting, their claws clacked excitedly at each other as they fought to get to the valuable cargo first.
‘My Techno-tium!’ groaned Scrummage with his balding head in his hands.
‘Don’t worry, Scrummage,’ said Harvey, slapping him on the back. ‘I have a plan.’ And grinning broadly he turned to Gizmo and said: ‘Shields up and lock cargo doors!’
And he trapped the Bling Bots in the cargo hold!
(Um … actually, can I just ask you something?
If the Bling Bots have got the Toxic Spew trapped inside the landing cradle of an ancient space ark, and Harvey’s got the Bling Bots trapped in the cargo hold of the Toxic Spew …
Then … er … who’s winning?)
‘Captain, that was brilliant!’ exclaimed Gizmo.
‘Awesome,’ said Scrummage.
‘Actually, you’re turning out to be quite a good captain after all,’ grinned Maxie. Harvey grinned back.
Garbage men, not pirates
‘May I suggest we simply open the cargo hold hatch and let the Bling Bots tumble out and drift off harmlessly into outer space!’ said Gizmo, going over to the garbage control desk and reaching for the hatch lever.
‘NOOOOO!’ cried Scrummage, shoving him away. ‘We’ll loose all the Techno-tium too.’
‘Who cares?’ cried Gizmo, shoving him back and making a grab for the lever again.
‘I do!’ yelled Scrummage, shoving Gizmo sharply in the chest and snatching hold of the lever.
Gizmo was just about to launch himself full whack at Scrummage when Harvey cut in.
‘Gentlemen,’ he said firmly. ‘Leave the lever alone and stand down.’
‘But, Harvey,’ cried Maxie. ‘It’s us or the Bling Bots!’
‘If we pull that lever, the Bling Bots will die,’ said Harvey.
‘Exactly! cried Maxie.
‘Again, who cares?’ said Gizmo.
‘I do,’ said Harvey. ‘Officer Gizmo, may I remind you we’re garbage men not ruthless pirates? I say we hand them over to the Intergalactic Traffic Police and let them deal with them. We’ll just keep them in the cargo hold until they arrive.’
Which seemed like a good idea.
But then he’s new to the job. So hey, what does he know?
Panic on the command bridge
So Gizmo sat at the engineering desk sending an urgent message to the Intergalactic Traffic Police but before he could even hit ‘send’ …
GASP, GASP, GASP!
A wave of panic-stricken gasps echoed round the command bridge, again.
‘Er, Gizmo, you might want to mark that message: “Super Urgent, Read Immediately, Do Not Delay, Top Priority, Deadly Important, Matter of Life and Death”!’ cried Maxie, looking at the cargo cam monitor in horror.
Because as soon as the Bling Bots realised they were trapped in the hold, they turned their multiple deadly weapons on the cargo doors and let rip.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
(You might be wondering how come the Bling Bots had so many guns with them when, technically, they weren’t expecting a fight.
It’s because Bling Bots always expect a fight.
Because they’re always starting them.)
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
ZAP! ZAP-A-ZAP!
GASP, GASP, GASP!
A third wave of panic-stricken gasps echoed around the bridge as they watched the all-out assault on the doors via the webcam.
‘Computer,’ barked Harvey. ‘How much of that can the cargo doors take?’
‘I have absolutely no idea,’ it said, bleeping cheerfully. ‘Hang on, I’ll do the sums … ’
BLEEP, BLIBBLE, BLEEP!
A series of incredibly long numbers, symbols and 3D shapes flashed onto the monitor and scrolled up at incredible speed. Actually, it had nothing to do with the sums. It was just the computer pretending to be clever.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
ZAP! ZAP-A-ZAP!
BLIBBLE … BLEEP …
‘Hurry up!’ said Harvey.
‘Don’t rush me, do you want me to make a mistake? Sometimes I don’t think you realise how tricky these sums are,’ snapped the computer.
‘Now, where was I? Take away six, er … or should that be add six … never mind, I’ll just carry it over … ’ it muttered.
Then finally it said, ‘Well, I still have absolutely no idea.
‘But I’d guess: there’s not much time before those ruthless bloodthirsty pirates blast their way through the cargo hold doors, hunt you down mercilessly and slaughter you all.
‘You might want to pick up a few things from the weapons store and get down there. Just a thought,’ it said casually and bleeped off.
To the galley!
‘Scrummage and Gizmo, come with me,’ ordered Harvey. ‘Maxie and Yargal, barricade yourselves in the galley and take Snuffles to protect you.’
‘But I want to fight,’ said Maxie.
‘But I want you to go to the galley,’ said Harvey.
‘What, because I’m a girl?’
Harvey thought for a moment. No, he thought, because I actually like you and I don’t want you to die. But he couldn’t say that out loud so he said:
‘No, because you’re the pilot. If anything happens to you, there’s no one to fly the ship. So I need you to go to the galley.’
‘No, you need all the firepower we’ve got. Yargal should go to the galley with Snuffles, because she’s no good in a fight. But I am and I’m coming with you.’ And she pushed her sleeves up her arms and gave him her most challenging stare.
Harvey recognised that look. It was the one the girls in his class used when they weren’t going to be pushed around by any of the boys. And he knew better than to ignore it.
‘OK,’ he said. ‘Let’s go.’
The crew lost no time in grabbing all the ship’s weapons and racing down to the cargo hold. By the time they arrived the giant doors were shuddering violently and rattling in their slots.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!
P’TOING, P’TOING!
(Actually, I’ve just realised it might help you picture the scene if I tell you what the cargo hold doors look like.
They’re huge yellow metal ones that look like they have a massive clunky zip down the middle. They’re normally flat and a bit scratched here and there.
But just right now they’re full of huge dents and bulges, jagged-edged rips and laser slashes from the Bling Bots’ weapons.)
Bazukas, bombs and blasters
‘They’re not going to hold much longer, sir,’ cried Gizmo, loading his NovaBazuka Mark 3.
‘We’ll have to go in,’ yelled Scrummage, shouldering the ship’s huge Jellyfier bomb launcher. Maxie had already loaded her Meteor-Storm pellet gun and was cranking it up to FULL PELT and MAXIMUM STING.
‘Stand by to open the doors,’ cried Harvey, priming his AstroForce blaster crossbow. ‘Now!’ he yelled.
Gizmo punched the entry control panel and the huge solid metal doors to the cargo hold of the Toxic Spew slid back.
They were met by a hail of fire.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
ZAP-A-ZAP ZAP!
P’TOING, P’TOING!
Chapter Twenty-three
All guns
blazing
‘ATTAAAAAAACK !’ yelled Harvey.
Fearlessly, the Bin Men of the Toxic Spew charged into the cargo hold with all guns blazing.
ZING, ZING, ZING, ZING!
SPLAT!
PING, PING, PING, PING!
SQUIIIIIIIIRT!
The Bling Bots just laughed and shot back.
P’TOING, P’TOING!
Harvey threw himself to the deck to escape a pounding from a Heavi-Metal rivet and ray gun. He lay on his belly and fired straight back with his AstroForce blaster crossbow.
SQUIIIIIIIIRT!
ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!
A Sting-Stun zapper smacked Maxie on the elbow and gave her a dead arm, but she just grabbed her Meteor-Storm pellet gun with her other hand and kept on firing:
PING, PING, PING, PING!
ZIP, ZIP, ZIP, ZIP, ZIP!
A direct hit from a shoulder-mounted NuroBlaster knocked Scrummage’s legs from under him and he crashed to the ground.
OOOMPH!
Ouch, thought Harvey, that’s got to hurt. But Scrummage scrambled to his feet and launched a Jellyfier bomb back at his attacker.
SPLAT!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
The supercharged beam from a Disintegrator Ray walloped Gizmo full in the chest and winded him. But he bravely kept firing his NovaBazuka Mark 3.
ZING, ZING, ZING, ZING!
Outgunned and outnumbered
Harvey was astounded by the bravery of his crew. They gave it their best, and more. But they were outgunned and their weapons were useless.
The Jellyfier bombs just slid off the Bling Bots’ plasti-glass helmets. Gizmo’s NovaBazuka Mark 3 couldn’t break through their metal exoskeletons, and the pellets from Maxie’s Meteor-Storm pellet gun just boinged back and hit the crew.
‘RETREAT!’ yelled Harvey, and throwing himself between his crew and the Bling Bots he let rip with his AstroForce blaster crossbow, desperately trying to give them enough cover to get back through the doors.