by Nia Anderson
Chapter seventeen
Ryan tip-toed through the house making his best attempt not to disturb Sophia. To say that things had been strained between them since he’d returned from California was an understatement. Sophia questioned him constantly regarding his time spent with Grace. Each time, Ryan got more and more vague in his answers.
In addition to their constant bickering, Ryan and Sophia had not been intimate with one another since he’d returned. Ryan pretended that it was because he was upset with Sophia because of her accusations, but really, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep with Sophia until he was sure that there was nothing going on between himself and Grace.
All of the dishonesty and secretiveness was taking its toll on Ryan. He wasn’t sleeping well, and as a result, he was argumentative and cranky. He knew it was best if he avoided Sophia as much as possible, which led to early mornings and even less sleep.
This morning, however, Ryan wasn’t as fortunate. He accidentally dropped his coffee cup in the sink, which immediately woke Sophia up. He heard her get out of bed and walk down the hall towards the kitchen.
"How come you’re up so early?" she asked him.
"Can’t sleep,” Ryan said without looking at her.
"How come?" Sophia thought she had a good idea.
"Just can’t,” Ryan said in irritation.
Sophia noticed that Ryan was fully dressed. The only thing that was open at that early hour was the grocery store, and Sophia was sure Ryan wasn’t going grocery shopping.
"Are you going somewhere?" she asked.
"To work. Going to California set me back. I’m way behind."
"You can’t go to work now. There’s nobody there. Who’s going to let you in?"
"The janitors are there."
"They aren’t going to let you in." Sophia heard her voice rising and she stopped to calm herself down. "Ryan," she touched him softly on his arm. "We need to talk."
"No. No more talking. I’m sick of arguing with you." Ryan shook her off. "This is exactly why I didn’t want to move in together. I knew things would turn out this way."
"Everything was fine until you went to California. It’s only been since you’ve been back that we haven’t gotten along."
"Oh here we go again." Ryan rolled his eyes.
"No, I’m not going to fight with you, Ryan. But really, is this the way you want to have things between us? We haven’t had a civil conversation…we haven’t laughed or anything since you’ve been back."
Ryan was silent. He knew Sophia was right, but what was he supposed to say? He never thought he’d be the type of guy who would cheat on his girlfriend, but he had. And he knew there was no justification for it, but one thing had become very clear to him. He was not in love with Sophia. He didn’t know if he ever had been.
Those few days with Grace reminded Ryan of what love was supposed to look like – how you were supposed to feel when you were around someone you cared about. That wasn’t what he had with Sophia.
"Ryan? I asked you a question,” Sophia reminded him.
"I don’t know." Ryan stalled. How was he going to tell Sophia how he felt? She was more than just his girlfriend. She was also his co-worker. Even if he did end things with her and move back into his apartment, he’d still have to see her at work.
"Do you still love me?" Sophia asked Ryan.
Ryan heaved an audible sigh. Sophia was certainly asking all of the right questions. But Ryan knew he didn’t have the right answers. He finally looked up at Sophia. The look on her face made him realize that he was hurting her. He knew he needed to be a man and face his actions.
"Sophia, I have some things I need to do, but as soon as I get home I want to have a serious talk." He relented.
At his words, Sophia’s eyes welled up with tears. "You slept with her, didn’t you?"
"Sophia, I promise, when I get home—"
"Didn’t you?" Sophia screamed.
Against his better judgement, Ryan stood motionless in front of Sophia. He wanted to lie, it was the easiest thing to do, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie anymore.
"Yes,” he said quietly.
"I knew it!" Sophia flew into a rage. She came at Ryan, fists flying. With open palms she slapped and scratched his face. Her legs kicked at him as she cried and wailed. "Get your shit and get out!"
Ryan moved away from Sophia as best he could, but she followed him. Any neighbors looking out their windows that morning got quite a show as Sophia jumped on Ryan’s back and pummeled him with her fists.
"I know where you’re going!" she yelled. "You’re not going to work! You’re going to be with that whore!"
Ryan was silent throughout Sophia’s tirade. He considered going in the house to get his clothes and a few valuables, but the look on Sophia’s face changed his mind. There was no way he was going behind closed doors with her again.
Contrary to what Sophia thought, Ryan did go into work. Just as he’d planned, the janitor let him in once he showed his employment badge.
"What the heck happened to you?" Ralph, the janitor, asked when he saw the scratches on Ryan’s face.
"Nothing,” Ryan said quietly as he made his way past him and towards the small office in which he worked. He was happy to find solitude there. While he powered up his computer he realized how much his life would change in a matter of moments.
Sophia was probably pouring bleach on everything Ryan owned at that very minute. Luckily, he still had the lease on his apartment so he didn’t have to worry about finding a place to live. All he had to worry about was whether or not he’d still have belongings to put inside of it.
It came as no surprise to Ryan that Sophia didn’t show up for work that day, and by lunchtime everyone knew why. She wasted no time calling all of Ryan’s co-workers and telling them what he’d done in California while she played the naïve girlfriend back home.
A few people were brave enough to confront Ryan and ask if the rumors were true. Ryan politely told them that he wished to keep his personal life private. Of course this confirmed, in the minds of others, that what Sophia had accused him of was true.
Not wanting to be a glutton for punishment, Ryan neglected the company lunchroom and jumped in his car in preparation of dining away. He went through a drive-thru a few miles up the road and pulled over in their parking lot to eat. The food was devoid of any nourishment and flavor, but Ryan ate it anyway.
As he sat thinking about work and all the stares and whispers awaiting him when he returned, Ryan began to feel sick to his stomach. He decided he’d call out for the rest of the day. When he grabbed his phone to turn it on, he realized the battery was dead. When he plugged it into his car charger, his phone quickly alerted him to a number of messages. Reluctantly he listened to them. He figured the majority of them were from Sophia.
Ryan was surprised to find that most of the messages were old. There were a few from Sophia asking if he wanted her to pick up dinner or if he had any dry-cleaning she needed to get. There was also one asking if they were out of condoms. Ryan deleted them all. The last message was from the previous day. It was from Grace. She was asking him to meet her today for lunch.
By the time Ryan made it to the location he and Grace had agreed upon, his lunch break had long since ended. He saw her immediately as he walked towards the restaurant. She was sitting on the outside terrace. Her curly hair flowed in the wind. She pushed her glasses up higher on her nose as she watched his approach.
"Sorry I’m late,” Ryan apologized as he pulled out a chair.
"Oh my gosh! What happened to your face?" Grace looked horrified by all the blood-streaked lacerations on Ryan’s cheeks and neck.
"Long story,” Ryan said.
"Would that story have anything to do with the barrage of angry messages I got today?" Grace asked.
"Sophia?"
Grace nodded. "You told her about what happened?"
Ryan shrugged. "Sort of. She figured it out, then I told her."
Gra
ce sighed. She considered telling Ryan she was sorry, but she wasn’t the one who’d slept with someone while being in a relationship with someone else. Still, she had known that Ryan had a girlfriend.
"Sorry,” she mumbled.
"For what? It’s not your fault." Ryan absolved her of any guilt.
"Yeah, but still. I should have known better. I knew you had a girlfriend, Ryan."
"Yeah, well I don’t anymore."
"I’m sorry. Do you want me to talk to her for you, or something?"
Ryan looked at Grace in disbelief. "I think you’re the last person she wants to hear from. Besides, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere anyway. Not that I’m making excuses, but…"
Grace watched Ryan closely as he spoke. His laid-back demeanor made her a bit nervous. He’d gotten caught cheating on his girlfriend and he seemed so nonchalant about it.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Ryan asked.
"Nothing…I just…nothing." Grace decided not to say anything. "So, I talked to Steve and Monica today. They said Matthew’s doing great. They’re going in at the end of the week to see if the marrow is generating blood cells."
"That’s great." Ryan ripped up his napkin and balled the pieces up on the table.
"Yeah." Grace looked around.
"So how’ve you been?" Ryan asked. He was aware the question seemed out of place in the middle of their conversation, but he wanted Grace to know that he’d been thinking about her since they’d returned home.
"Good. You?"
"As well as can be expected. ‘Course I am the one with the scratches." Ryan smiled.
Grace did not find it funny. "What’s that supposed to mean?" she asked with a frown.
Ryan was unprepared for her reaction. "It means I’m the one with scratches all over my face," Ryan restated.
"Are you saying that I should have scratches? Are you saying that I should share in the blame for what happened to you?"
Ryan looked around to see if people were staring at them. "Grace, I was just making a joke."
"Well maybe you shouldn’t make a joke. You did a horrible thing. We both did and now we have to deal with the consequences."
After Grace stopped talking, Ryan wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or to herself. "What’s going on, Grace?"
Grace rubbed her temples. A headache was on the horizon. "I don’t know. I just…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. I just feel so guilty. Don’t you?"
Ryan shrugged. "I do feel guilty, but probably not about the same thing you feel guilty about. What do you feel guilty about?"
"I feel guilty about ruining your relationship and hurting another woman,” Grace answered. If she said it enough times, out loud, she might begin to believe it herself. It gave her hope, that if she were repentant, maybe the repercussions wouldn’t be quite so stiff.
To Ryan, Grace’s answer was very telling. Ryan had come to the lunch wondering if he and Grace would revive their relationship. He thought they’d had a connection in San Francisco, more than just a physical one. But now, as Grace sat before him saying she was sad over the demise of his relationship with another woman, Ryan wondered if he and Grace had had two different reactions to what had occurred.
"What do you feel guilty about?" Grace asked.
"I feel guilty about not feeling guilty." Ryan nodded to affirm his statement.
Grace sat back in her chair. "You don’t feel guilty? At all?"
"Grace, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve never cheated before and I never thought I would, but it happened. I’m not going to sit here and apologize to you for it."
"I’m not asking you to."
"Well, good. Because I thought…I mean, it only happened because it was you."
Grace wrung her hands in her lap. She had wanted to ask Ryan so badly where she stood with him, but she didn’t know in which order to state things. Should she tell him about the possible pregnancy and then ask how he felt, or should she ask first and then tell him?
When Grace remained silent, Ryan continued. "Sophia and I…we were so far from right we were left. I think we both knew it. We just had different ways of dealing with it. She was trying to change me into what she wanted me to be and I was trying to ignore who I was to make it work. Even if we’d never gone to California, the relationship would have ended,” Ryan concluded.
Grace decided to level with Ryan about how she felt. "I never thought we’d talk again. And then when we started talking, I kept telling myself that I couldn’t possibly still have feelings for you, but then, being around you and talking to you…it was like…"
"Coming home?"
Grace nodded. Ryan knew exactly how she felt. He placed his hand atop hers. "I don’t want what happened that night to be the end of things with us."
"I don’t want that either."
Ryan’s facial features relaxed. "Things might be rocky for a little while. I think we should just try to take things one day at a time."
Grace nodded. She looked down at her lap and then back at Ryan. "Ryan, I think I might be pregnant."
Everyone turned to look as Ryan’s water glass made a loud crash as it hit the pavement and splintered into thousands of pieces.
Chapter eighteen
"Do you have anything to tell me?" Ryan had phoned Grace for the fourth straight day in a row. He was sitting at his desk at work so it was important to be vague.
"No." Grace sighed. "I told you, I’m not late. Not until tomorrow. If I don’t get my period by tomorrow then you can officially start to worry."
"Ha! You think I’m going to wait until then? I’ve already started worrying. Haven’t you?"
"A little." Grace downplayed her emotions. "But worrying could also make me late."
"Oh. Okay, so don’t worry." Ryan shuffled through some paperwork on his desk in an attempt to look busy. "Um, I’m unpacking tomorrow but if you want to stop by…maybe take the test at my place? If you need to. You may not need to, right?"
Grace could hear the false hope in Ryan’s voice. "Right,” she agreed anyway.
Grace fought the urge to acknowledge the headache that was making it’s way from her temples to her forehead. She remembered how bad her headaches were in high school when she’d gotten pregnant. She hoped and prayed that this wasn’t an early indication of what was to come.
Grace put all of her mental anguish aside and made her way to the art museum. She was applying for a summer job as an art docent. She didn’t want to appear frazzled as she handed in her application and made an appointment for an interview.
After her application was turned in, Grace set off to meet Morgan across town at a discount warehouse Morgan had found. Apparently they had wonderful "apartment" items that were really inexpensive.
Morgan had gone on with her plan of business as usual until she was alerted of otherwise. Both girls had filled out their applications and had their parents co-sign for their apartment. They were holding on to them with plans of turning them in on Monday if things went well over the weekend. Morgan encouraged Grace not to even think about the possible pregnancy, but to focus on the here and now instead.
By the time Grace made it to the warehouse, Morgan had already been shopping for over an hour.
"Look at all this cool stuff I found." Morgan held up a set of Chinese lanterns and a door curtain made of beads.
"Nice,” Grace said unconvincingly. "I hope those are for your room."
"Of course." Morgan smiled. "But they have some really cool kitchen stuff. We should decide on a theme for the kitchen. I was thinking cows."
"Yeah, because that’s exactly the animal I want to be reminded of every time I open the fridge,” Grace stated sarcastically.
"Okay, well how about roosters?"
"How about no animals? I’d feel guilty every time I ate a ham or chicken sandwich."
"Okay, Ryan is really rubbing off on you,” Morgan pointed out as she walked away from Grace.
"What are you talking about?" Gra
ce followed after her.
"Jokes. You never used to tell jokes. Now you’re full of them."
"It’s not jokes. It’s sarcasm. There’s a difference."
Morgan rolled her eyes. She knew Grace didn’t want to admit to the constant presence Ryan suddenly held in her life. Every time Morgan turned around, Grace was on the phone with him.
"It’s kind of extenuating circumstances." Grace defended herself. "He’s as anxious to know about…you know…as I am."