She stopped in the doorway and gazed at the three figures around the table. Concern and worry etched deep lines in each of their faces and guilt tugged at her heart. This wasn’t their fight, but she knew they’d never let her continue the battle alone any more.
Nathan was the first to look up and meet her stare. Several emotions flickered over his features before he managed a small smile. “Hey.”
His single word brought Adam and Willow’s attention to her. She saw the concern in their gazes and tried hard to ignore the churning in the pit of her stomach.
“Hey,” she finally managed to reply when she realized neither of them was going to speak.
Nathan pushed away from the table and walked toward her.
Instead of recoiling from his touch like she would have before the trip, she embraced it, giving over to her overwhelming need to lean on someone. Nathan guided her to the table, where she sank into the chair and waited while he poured her a cup of coffee.
She lifted the mug to her lips and savored the flavor as she gathered the rest of her courage. After taking a long sip, she returned the mug to the table and drew in a deep breath. “So,” she said looking from one to the other, “what do you want to know?”
* * *
Several hours later, Brooke walked into Nathan’s condo with one thought on her mind—sleep. After years of living with constant nightmares and sleepless nights, she’d have thought she’d be used to working on less sleep. Sadly, that wasn’t the case and Brooke swore she could hear every weary muscle in her body crying for rest.
She bypassed the couch and headed down the hall to the guest room. Before she managed to close the door and lock the world out, Nathan appeared in the doorway. “You okay?”
The concern in his voice matched the worried look on his face and she couldn’t help but reach out to touch his cheek. She could tell him yes, but he’d know it was a lie. For reasons she couldn’t quite comprehend, he always seemed to know when she was lying. “No, but I will be once I’ve had a good night’s sleep.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to maybe stay up and watch a movie with me to get your mind off of things?”
She’d spent the better part of the afternoon and evening talking first to Nathan, Willow and Adam, then to Detective Morrison and his crew. They were no closer to finding Wayne. The fact was she didn’t feel any better and wasn’t interested in watching some movie. Still, Nathan had been so kind, she hated to turn him down. “Tell you what”—she raised her other hand to his cheek—“I’ll watch a movie with you tomorrow night. Right now, I just want to get some sleep.”
He eyed her warily, but nodded. “I understand. I have some business to work on anyway. If you need anything, come get me, okay?”
She smiled. “Okay.”
He started to turn away, then paused and pulled her into a hug. “I wish I could make everything better for you.”
So did she.
* * *
She lost track of time. That was how long Brooke sat on the edge of the bed, thinking about her decision. Going on with the way things were wasn’t an option because she knew her stepfather would continue to haunt her. Her only choice was to end the cycle and begain again, hopefully forging new and wonderful memories with the man she cared very much for.
Nothing worth having came without risk, so it would be natural for her to feel some hesitation, right? She looked down at her hands and drew in a deep breath. After what happened today, she knew there wasn’t any way Nathan would initiate anything on his own. If she wanted this night, she’d go to him.
It was time. She rose and crossed to the small dresser where she pulled out a soft yellow silk chemise. It had been an impulse purchase she’d made years earlier while shopping with Willow. She’d justified her purchase by saying she didn’t need a man around to wear something sexy, but by the time she’d arrived home with her lingerie she’d had second thoughts. Instead of taking the garment back, though, she’d tucked it away in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Why she’d shoved it in the bottom of her bag she’d never know, but now as she stood looking at herself in the mirror, she was glad she had.
She stripped out of everything except her panties, then slid the soft satin over her head.
Chiffon ruffles circled the bottom and brushed against her mid-thigh, while the satin hugged and clung in all the right places. She adjusted the ruffled straps, then pulled at her hair. No. She always wore it up. This time she would leave it down.
Inhaling deeply, she turned and walked to the door. She could do this. She would do this. Without giving herself time to rethink the moment, Brooke opened the door and turned down the hall toward the sound of the television.
Nathan lay propped against the headboard of his bed, watching the small television atop his dresser. His eyes widened when he caught sight of her.
“Hi.” She gave him a tiny wave.
“Hi.” He swung his legs over the side of the mattress, concern etched deep into his features. “Is everything okay?”
She smiled at him, lacing her fingers together. “Everything’s fine. I… Well, I was wondering if you might be willing to help me with something.”
“If I can I will. What do you need?”
“You.”
The look of shock on his face had Brooke wanting to forget her entire plan. Why had she thought she could do this?
Intent on making some excuse and a quick exit, she opened her mouth, only to close it again when he rose from the bed. He slowly crossed the room, his gaze traveling over her as he did, as if she were the only thing in the world that existed. She let her hands fall apart, then clasped together a second time. She didn’t want to be nervous, but her mind wasn’t cooperating.
He paused mere millimeters from where she stood, his look never wavering. “Why now?”
A valid question and one Brooke had no idea how to answer. Would he possibly understand the battle going on inside her head? Could he know how desperately she wanted to be rid of those haunting images or how much she wanted to love and be loved in the truest sense of the word?
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, but it occurred to me this afternoon that I’ve allowed Wayne to hold me hostage for too long and not just with the threat of physical retribution. I want to be rid of that night.”
He started to speak, but she shook her head and held up a hand stopping him. “I know I can’t erase the images, but I can bury them beneath new ones.”
“If it’s that simple, why haven’t you done so before now?”
“Because it’s not that simple. I didn’t want to have sex for the sake of it. I’m smart enough to know it’s not so much the act that matters, but what it represents. It’s supposed to mean something to those involved.” She cast her gaze away, then, drawing on her courage once again, met his stare. “Trust is a big issue for me. I’ve never known a man I could trust completely, until you. Even more than that, I care about you, Nathan, and for the first time in my life I’m willing to risk heartbreak to feel love.”
She reached out, taking his large hands in her trembling ones. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you take me there, Nathan? You’ve said you love me. Will you give me that love? Will you show me what I’ve been missing?”
“Of course I will, but are you sure this is what you want?”
“I can’t remember the last time I was so sure about something. Make love to me, Nathan?”
Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms loosely around her waist and lowered his head.
She raised her face to meet him, her lips parting in invitation as he kissed her.
A potato chip commercial played on television in the background as they stood bathed in the flickering light, giving and taking in a kiss that would lead to so much more. Her breath came and went in short bursts, while her body trembled beneath his touch.
Cupping her face in his hands, he urged the kiss forward, nibbling first her bottom lip, then her top, then brushing his tongue lightly along the sof
t flesh. Brooke’s fingers clung to his forearms before sliding up his arms around to his back. Desire tumbled its way into her heart and she let out a sigh, allowing his tongue on a journey of discovery.
He trailed hands along her sides, his thumbs brushing against her breasts. She shuddered and worked to suppress the need to pull away. He won’t hurt me. The words became her chant, her mantra, and would, hopefully, help her overcome any moments of trepidation. Fear couldn’t cloud her thinking. She wouldn’t let it get in the way.
Striking a slow and deliberate path, Nathan worked his way down the nape of her neck to the swell of her breast exposed above the silk and chiffon. “Slow and gentle, baby,” he whispered as he softly mouthed her skin. She whimpered a reply and slipped her fingers through his hair.
When he palmed her breast through the fabric, rubbing his thumb across her nipple, she started to jerk away, but before she could break free, a new and wonderful sensation descended on her, causing Brooke to gasp.
Reaching up with his pinky finger, Nathan pulled the strap off her shoulder, allowing the fabric to fall away from her skin. He paused and Brooke could feel his gaze roaming over her. Instinctively, she covered her breast with her arm. His eyes drifted to hers. “If you don’t want to do this, I’ll understand.” He guided a knuckle along her cheek.
The adoration in his eyes touched her at her core. Love filled her heart and she moved her arm letting it drop to her side. “I want to.”
He smiled and began again, drugging her with kisses. This time she closed her eyes and opened herself to the sensations rippling through her body. Her skin tingled at his touch and warmed beneath his lips. He closed his mouth over her nipple, and Brooke held her breath as he gently sucked.
White, hot pleasure stole the remainder of her rational thoughts. Glorious, wonderful sensations descended on her. She relaxed, grabbing his shoulders for support.
“That’s it, baby, just let go,” he murmured, as he moved from one breast to the other. “I have so much more to show you.”
More? She could do little more than breathe while currents of pleasure electrified her body. She knew there was more, but that thought didn’t seem possible. Could it actually get better than this?
She shrugged from beneath the other strap, letting the silk gown drop and puddle to the floor. No more barriers.
Nathan paused, then lifted his mouth back to her lips. “You humble me,” he whispered against her ear as he his fingers continued to knead her breast. She grabbed his hand, stilling him beneath her touch. “Show me how to love you the way I want to in my heart.”
He scooped her into his arms, turned, and gently placed her on the bed. Beginning again, he took his time as if they had forever. Minutes ticked by while he worked his way down her body. Every touch was purposeful. Every stroke gentle. When his fingers grazed the thicket of curls nestled between her legs, she couldn’t stop from tensing.
He gazed lifted to hers, revealing the desire flooding through him. It wasn’t violence, but a cloaked need just below the surface. No matter how aroused he was, how much he wanted to take her, she knew he wouldn’t continue without her permission. “Relax, baby.”
“I’m…”
“I know you are.” Nathan moved, adjusting himself so he again lay behind her. Pulling Brooke into his arms, he spooned against her, holding her close. “He hurt you,” he whispered against her ear.
Brooke gulped and nodded her affirmation, thankful he didn’t make her say the words.
“It won’t hurt this time. I promise,” he said, running his fingers lightly along her arm before trailing across her belly and brushing against her.
Fear and desire waged a full-out war inside Brooke’s head. Pain dominated her thoughts, making her common sense fight for every inch of space. Still, she knew she’d been missing something wonderful, and it was time she discovered what it was.
She parted her legs slightly, allowing him access.
“I promise,” he whispered as his fingers began to work a magic Brooke had only dreamed of experiencing.
He was right, she managed to think though the haze of desire and sensation flooding her mind and body. Pressure built, growing stronger, driving deeper into her and for a moment she couldn’t decide if it was pain or pleasure. Then the first wave crashed into her, sending Brooke tumbling right off the reef of sanity.
Crying out, she fisted the pillow, as sensation after sensation raced through her, spreading itself through every cell of her body.
When the aftershocks began to subside, Brooke opened her glassy eyes. There was nothing, nothing but him, and the incredible feelings he’d stirred in her.
Driven only by instinct, she rose from the sheets and reached for him. Kissing him hungrily, feasting on his mouth.
He lowered himself to her and rested his forehead against hers. The warmth of his skin seduced her. “I need you, honey,” he professed even as her own desire gradually burned away her fear.
Several seconds passed while she lay still, contemplating his words. Then she pushed past the tattered remnants of fear that had held her hostage for way too long and nodded, giving him permission to take her where she’d never been.
Easing himself between her legs, he tried to offer words of comfort. “Tell me if you have any pain at all and I’ll stop.”
“Okay,” she managed to squeak though a tight, dry throat. She felt him push against her and held her breath. There was pressure as he made them one, but no pain.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded.
“Then breathe, baby.”
She released the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding and drew in another.
Nathan moved slowly, trying to give her a chance to adjust. “You’re sure I’m not hurting you?”
She wondered how it could possibly be any better than this as she smiled up at him. Wrapping legs around his hips, she stomped on the grave of terror and pain and gave herself, mind, body and soul to him. “I’m sure.”
His mouth tilted in the corners, lifting into a smile. “You’re amazing,” he replied as he rested his elbows on each side of her head. His mouth consumed hers as he filled her. “Follow my lead and do what comes naturally, okay?”
Emotions welled inside her, filling her heart and flooding her thoughts. Finally, after ten long, painful years, she was free of the dread the idea of sex conjured. No longer would she need to fret over the concern of pain.
She nodded and blinked hard to keep her tears at bay. She’d done enough crying. Now was a time to celebrate.
As they rocked together, she watched his eyes go dark with passion and wondered if it reflected her own. Slowly she learned his rhythm and followed her instincts. Before long, her hips rose to meet his thrusts and her nails clawed into his back.
His breathing grew shallow against her ear. “Sweetheart, I’m getting—” A groan replaced his last word as he reached his peak.
Hers quickly followed and she cried out, her body pulsing with life.
CHAPTER 16
Brooke glanced down the steps at the private security guard Nathan had hired for the day. “I can’t believe I need to have security outside my apartment while I try to piece my life back together.”
“You heard the police, honey. They didn’t want you back here at all. The only way I could get away with bringing you back to clean up was to make sure you were protected.
She picked up the torn lampshade from the floor and sighed. Security guards and police protection. Had her life really been reduced to this? “I wish you’d at least let me pay for the guard.”
Nathan took the broken shade from her hand and tossed it into a trash pile they’d made near the kitchen, then he wrapped her in a warm embrace and kissed her on the forehead. “You’re going to need your money to replace things, since I’m betting you probably didn’t have renters’ insurance.”
How in the hell did he know these things? She shook her head against his chest. “You know, sometimes it really p
isses me off that you can figure me out so well. Am I really so transparent?”
He pulled her back and planted a kiss square on her forehead. “Of course not. I just happen to be an excellent observer. It’s another one of those special traits that makes me different from most men.”
She wanted to smack him for the grin he wore, but instead shot him a return smile. He was trying to make light in a very difficult situation. There wasn’t any need for her to make it harder than need be. “Ah…still trying to protect your ship’s captain image.”
“Ah.” He tugged her to him again. “Not really since only you have to know the truth.”
“I suppose I can keep that secret. It’s the least I could do since you’re keeping mine.” In a split second, the air surrounding her grew heavy and the mood turned dark. She immediately bit down on her lip and wished the words back inside her head. Why did she always have to go and ruin things? “Um.” She turned out of Nathan’s arms and took several small steps away from him. “We’d better get started. I don’t want you having to pay that guard for any more hours than what’s absolutely necessary.”
He snagged her wrist, his eyes questioning. “Don’t, baby. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I know.”
“Then why do you look as if you are?”
“I’m just sorry I ruined the moment by bringing it up. This is hard enough without making it worse.”
“Tell you what?” Nathan’s lips twitched, eventually twisting into a quirky smile. “After we’re through here, we’ll stop and pick up some dinner somewhere, then I’ll take you home and make love to you until morning.”
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