by Brandon Witt
Some of Casper’s anger left at the sight of him. He couldn’t believe that it was even possible for Kevin to look so bad. Most of the time, he looked younger than Casper did, but the man walking toward him looked closer to fifty than forty. The light of energy that was usually so palpable around Kevin was nowhere to be seen. As Kevin sat on the swing, it took all Casper’s force of will to keep from taking Kevin in his arms and comforting him.
A little voice from past days with Josh’s alcoholism began whispering warnings.
Casper kept his voice low enough that if the moms were listening inside, they wouldn’t get much of a show.
“Kev, I know something is up, obviously, but I don’t care what it is. We are not in middle school. I am not running away from your moms while you hide in your room.”
Kevin winced at the words, the deepening shame aging him further.
Casper should probably stop, but he hadn’t been very good at that lately. “And the silent treatment over the phone? Not returning calls, not texting back? You will never do that to me again.”
Kevin glanced up, some anger of his own flashing toward Casper. “I said I couldn’t do this. That’s pretty obvious. There was nothing more to say.” There was also a hint in his voice that he’d had at least one drink.
Josh’s whispers echoed once more.
Casper wanted to scream. He was angrier at that moment than at any point with the fucking idiot roommates. He managed to keep silent. Forced himself to look at Kevin. See the man he loved behind the mask of pain and stress. Behind the childish behavior.
For the first time, a bit of doubt crept in beside his mantra of fate.
Meant to be? Meant to be with a man who ran home to his moms and cried in his bed?
He’d given Kevin his heart. He’d signed on for a business that could cost him everything.
He’d jumped in and given every bit of himself to this man. He’d held nothing back.
Kevin hadn’t asked him to, though, had he? Not for any of it. Not the cash. Not the love.
Not his heart.
But he had it. Kevin had it all.
Maybe Casper was stupid. Maybe fate was stupid.
Maybe both of those things were true.
Maybe nothing he believed and trusted about fate was real.
He took Kevin’s hand, a gesture he’d made so many times that it already felt natural and automatic. Kevin looked up, his bloodshot eyes both wary and hurting.
“I wanted you to be honest last night, babe, so I’ll give the same courtesy.” Kevin’s gaze had darted away, and Casper waited until it returned. “I want to run away from this right now. From you, from everything. I’m angry and mad. And scared.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand. When the fuck did I become such a crybaby? “But I love you. And I’m going to choose to believe that I was right. That fate was right. And, to be even more honest, I don’t know if any of that was real either. Maybe I just made up all the fate shit to make myself brave. Or stupid. But I don’t care. I love you. I am choosing to love you. Fate or not. We’ll hug it out, right? That’s what we agreed.”
Kevin stared at him, expressionless, only shaking his head slightly.
Casper wasn’t sure if Kevin had understood him at all. “What happened today?”
Again Kevin just stared, for so long that Casper decided he wasn’t going to reply. He wasn’t sure what he could do if Kevin wasn’t willing to even speak or do anything.
“I had an attack at the gym.” Kevin’s voice was strained, distant. “Worst I’ve had in a long time. Couldn’t get to my pills.” He raised his free arm, displaying scrapes over his elbow and forearm. “Ended up partially under my car in the gym parking garage.” He snorted derisively. “Good partner you chose, huh?”
All of Casper’s anger vanished. From the power of some of the attacks he’d helped Kevin through, he couldn’t imagine much worse. And without his pills. And, while he was less of a psychologist than Oprah, he knew enough to be certain that their conversation the night before had been the cause.
And he had no fucking clue what he was supposed to do, or what to say. How to fix it.
Kevin pulled his hand free and shrugged. When he spoke, his voice was louder. Angrier. “So, that’s what happened. I broke. And, yeah, I came here and hid behind my moms like a little bitch. And I didn’t want to fucking talk on the phone or see what I can’t have.”
“Me? You couldn’t have me? Kev, baby, you have me. I love you.” He reached for Kevin’s hand again.
Kevin jerked his hand away. “Quit fucking saying that. You loved that other Kevin. This isn’t him. Not anymore.”
There was a detached look in Kevin’s eyes that made it hard for Casper to disagree.
“Listen, Kev. We opened… I opened a bucket of worms last night. I’m sure that’s what caused this. We could see about getting you a therapist. Maybe we could—”
“A therapist? Really?” Kevin stood up from the swing. “Yeah, maybe I need a fucking therapist. I bet I do. Obviously crazy enough for one.” He motioned at his cut arm. “And this is who you want? This is who you want to hug it out with? Maybe I’m not the only one who needs a therapist.”
Casper felt near to a panic himself. He stood, starting to move closer.
Kevin held out a hand. “No. Stop. I don’t want to do this.”
And Casper stood there, having no idea what to do or say as Kevin crossed over the porch, walked back into the house, and shut the door.
KEVIN
WITH THE amount of Xanax Kevin had taken over the past two and a half days, he worried that his doctor wouldn’t renew his prescription when he ran out way ahead of schedule. It was going to be even more obvious than usual that he wasn’t exactly following the dosage on the label. However, as a result, he’d only had one more panic attack. At least, one full-blown panic attack. He didn’t want to count the others. And while the amount of chemical assistance coursing through his blood was keeping him from staying in a fetal position on the floor of his bathroom, his brain was foggy, he was moving slowly, and he didn’t feel like himself in the slightest.
Which, he supposed, was the point. So, well done.
Returning to the brownstone the day after ending things with Casper, after Casper had arrived on his moms’ porch, had been the most terrifying thing he’d ever done.
Ever.
Regardless of how scary it was, how much it hurt, how much the idea of seeing Casper made Kevin want to take three bottles of pills alongside a bottle of vodka, there was business to be done. And, through it all, he’d never not been able to work and get goals accomplished.
However, he’d never had to work in the same building with someone he was in love with and couldn’t have.
Kevin had to turn on music to avoid the slight noises Casper made as he baked. He had never even noticed the noise before. But now it was like each sound was a taunt of everything he couldn’t have.
On Casper’s part, Kevin was rather impressed. He left Kevin alone.
Kevin had expected Casper to have a speech prepared. To try to convince him that he wasn’t really that broken, that they could still have what they’d had before their little bedtime chat the other night.
Instead, whenever Casper saw him for the first time over the past three mornings, he would simply smile at him before returning to the bakery.
A smile that screamed I love you.
And Kevin believed Casper did. It was easy to see.
Casper looked horrible and exhausted. He appeared as if he’d taken a lesson from Kevin’s playbook and stopped eating. Or sleeping.
There was no doubt that Casper James loved him. More than anyone before, besides his mothers. And now Casper knew more about him than Kevin’s mothers. But that was the point. Casper had heard the words, but he hadn’t been able to really see. When he proclaimed love, he saw the image Kevin had spent a lifetime creating. Even hearing the truth hadn’t shattered the illusion.
And, honestly, how could Kevin expect otherwi
se? Even he had believed his creation to be who he really was. He’d been a fool. The truth had been in front of him all along; he’d only been playing pretend. But now that he’d seen the truth, he couldn’t unsee it.
Every time he looked in the mirror, there she was.
Casper couldn’t love that. He wouldn’t. Not if he saw, really saw. And, at some point, he would. It might be in a few weeks. Even worse, it might be in a few years, just out of the blue. Casper would be making love to him, the veil would drop, and he would see, just as Kevin had seen.
Then Casper would run.
Then Kevin would fully crumble.
And then, everyone would see.
That could not happen. He wouldn’t let it.
Maybe in time—once he’d regained his control, once the stress stopped, once the burning eased, once Casper was nothing more than his business partner—Kevin wouldn’t see her in the mirror anymore either. He’d find who he’d made himself to be once again.
AFTER AN hour of searching printing sites online, Kevin found the perfect design for invitations to Bella Dolce’s open house. They didn’t have a date yet, but they were closer. He’d just finished setting up an account when a knock sounded on the front door. Glancing over, he couldn’t quite tell who it was, the form silhouetted through the glass by the noon sunlight.
Halfway to the door, he recognized the build, so much like his own. Kevin quickened his pace and unlocked the dead bolt.
The warm summer breeze rushed in as the door opened. It felt wonderful. He needed to get outside. Maybe he’d run around Jamaica Pond several times instead of the gym that evening. No chance she’d be there.
“Hey, what brings you here?” Kevin didn’t step back from the doorway.
“Well, good to see you too, Kev. Geesh, I’m gonna have to tell Renata she raised a boy without any manners.” Tony stepped past Kevin, clutching two paper bags. “And as for what brings me? That would be Noelle. She sent me on one of her missions.”
Oh shit. This was going to suck.
Without waiting, Tony crossed the room and plopped the bags on the antique desk that was going to be used as the appointment center, then walked to the base of the steps, raising his voice. “Hey! Casper the ghost! You up there?”
The muffled sound of the mixer silenced, followed by a few seconds pause. “Yeah. I’m here. Be right down.”
Casper looked wary as he walked down to the first floor. “Hey, Tony. Good to see you.” His brown eyes flitted to Kevin, a question in them.
Kevin shrugged and looked away. Even that, that small gesture of familiarity, hurt.
At the bottom of the steps, Casper paused expectantly.
Kevin took a similar position, still close to the front door. He felt that the need to run might arise, and he wasn’t going to hesitate.
For his part, Tony just stood there, arms crossed, gaze darting back and forth between Kevin and Casper.
Just when Kevin thought running before things got started would be a good idea, Tony spoke.
“Huh.” Tony nodded, as if a decision had been made. “I knew Noelle was sending me off on one of her schemes, but she wouldn’t tell me what. She just said my nephew needed me to bring our entrepreneur boys some lunch. I tried to find out more, and she said it would be obvious. And, boooooy, is it.”
He returned to the antique desk and began pulling out food. “So, ghost boy, I got you and myself gyros from over in my neck of the woods. You’re gonna thank me.” He looked over at Kevin, the concern in his eyes conflicting with his teasing tone. He held out a small prepackaged cup with a plastic spoon. “Noelle said all your stomach is able to handle is applesauce, so here’s that. Although I got you a gyro too. Just in case.”
Kevin glanced at Casper, who hesitated as well.
Tony smacked his hands together. “Hurry up boys, the Greek’s getting cold, and the applesauce, well, good luck with that.”
Casper was the first to break the statue routine by walking over to Tony. Kevin followed suit. He wasn’t sure his stomach could handle applesauce right now. But he’d try. Even if it made him hurt worse.
Tony waited until each of them had taken a bite. He gestured toward Casper’s gyro. “Good, huh?”
Casper murmured his agreement around a mouthful of food. He was just being polite. He couldn’t taste it any more than Kevin could taste the applesauce.
The fact that Kevin could tell brought another shot of regret. He might not be who Casper thought he saw, but he did love Casper. Completely.
It sucked.
Apparently, one bite was all they were going to get.
“So, it would take a moron not to be able to see that you two are having love troubles, which I guess is why the girls trusted me to figure it out on my own.”
Girls? Both of his moms were in on this?
Tony clapped his hands once more. “So, let’s get it all out and be done with it.”
Kevin’s heart decided it was going to attempt to explode.
Casper looked dumbfounded. “Tony, I’m not trying to be rude, but this is between Kevin and me. I don’t think it’s appropriate to go through this with you.”
Tony looked anything but offended. “Granted, I don’t know you much yet, but I trust my sister’s judgment, and trust me, she’s full of judgments. If you’ve managed to convince her, that’s good enough for me. You’re part of the family, so let’s just get it out.”
Casper laughed, actually laughed, though it was a kind Kevin had never heard from him, and the darkness of it hurt to hear.
“I highly doubt Renata thinks of me as part of the family. She almost—”
Tony waved him off. “She does, Casper.” He motioned between them. “So, what, exactly? You two break up for the moment or something?”
Kevin wasn’t surprised that Renata approved of Casper. She’d been nearly as torn up as Kevin the past three days. That Tony was here instead of Renata was the shocker. He’d be willing to bet Noelle was the reason for that. Thank God for that woman.
“Tony, even if I was part of the family, this is highly inappropriate. Kevin and I aren’t going to talk about our issues with you when we haven’t even figured them out yet.”
Tony gave one of his cocky grins. “Really? Like I said, I don’t know you well, but I thought you were a tad smarter than that. Here I am, an older”—he cringed—“older than the two of you pups, at any rate, gay man who’s been in a relationship for the past century. At least it’s felt like that lately. You don’t think bringing in someone wiser would be a good idea?”
Instead of responding, Casper looked over at Kevin again, that silent communication so easy, deepening the ache in Kevin’s chest.
And even in this, even with Kevin’s uncle, Casper protected him. Casper would never say a word without Kevin’s permission.
A burning built behind Kevin’s eyes, but he stayed firm. He was glad he’d taken half a pill before starting the invitation search.
Tony’s voice, more tender this time, cut through their unspoken communication. “Well, goddamn. The girls were right.” He packed the condiments and a side of fries back into one of the paper bags and then handed it to Casper. “Would you mind eating on your own? My nephew and I are going for a walk. I always feel better talking if I’m on a walk.”
Again Casper looked at Kevin, questioning.
Kevin nodded that it was fine.
Tony chuckled, his gaze traveling knowingly between the two of them. “And there it is again. It’s rough starting out. Unfortunately I can promise the two of you have even bigger hurts in store.” He smacked Casper lightly on the shoulder. “Ain’t love grand? Welcome to the family, Casper. Kevin picked well.”
With that, Tony turned and walked over to Kevin, Casper staring after him, a look of bewilderment over his face. Tony started to link his arm with Kevin’s, then paused. He took the applesauce out of Kevin’s hand. “I love you, but I’m not walking about Boston with my grown nephew as he sips applesauce. Not gonna happen
.” He placed the plastic container on the desk, and then he did link his arm with Kevin’s. “Let’s go.”
THEY ONLY walked about a block arm in arm before Tony released him. Kevin wasn’t sure if Tony had read his mind earlier and was afraid he was going to make a run for it or what, but he seemed to be convinced Kevin was trustworthy.
For about ten minutes, they just walked. That in and of itself was healing. To be outside in the gorgeous Boston summer around the trees, flowers, endless brownstones, and the overabundance of tourists. He could breathe a little. Just a little. But it felt like years since he’d been able to catch his breath.
Kevin had already decided that he was going to do this. It was the last thing he wanted, but he couldn’t take much more. Though he hated Casper knowing, and though he knew that Casper would one day see him as he truly was, Kevin had to admit that it had made him realize how alone he’d always felt. Always surrounded by family, and always alone.
He didn’t want the others to know, but he didn’t want to be separated from them any longer either.
That, and the certainty he’d heard in Tony’s voice as he spoke to Casper, gave Kevin the smallest sliver of hope. It was the first bit he’d seen in days, so he was going to latch on. Trust fate, as Casper would say.
“Uncle Tony, there’s something I need to tell you. I don’t want you to know, but maybe you should.” He felt like he was five. He paused in their walking, Tony stopping with him, twisting his shoulders so an older man could get past.
Kevin hesitated, not sure where to begin. Already regretting what he was going to say.
“Kev, what are you worried about? That I won’t love you? That it’s somehow too much?”
Was he? Was he afraid that his family wouldn’t love him? That they’d turn tail and run?
Kevin searched Tony’s handsome face. He saw himself there. At least, who he’d wanted to be.
His family wouldn’t leave. Never. He’d never really been worried about that. But he didn’t want them to see this. He didn’t want them to see him like this.